


The Selfish Dreamer

by ThisisVenereVeritas



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 22:44:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 117,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/590476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisisVenereVeritas/pseuds/ThisisVenereVeritas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanji's being tortured in his sleep, and he's become quite tired of it. Zoro's willing to help fix up the blonde's deteriorating lifestyle, but Sanji's pride won't let him. Strangely enough, Zoro's pride won't let Sanji give up, no matter what.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

-Intro-

The Dreamer

_He looked up and saw many clouds floating blissfully in the sky, and he could hear the sound of laughter as children played in the sand, as everyone around him gathered in their specified groups and made merry with one another. The cool breeze tickled his bare skin as his daze continued on, his eye seemingly locked onto the bright sky. He could hear the sounds of his friends calling him, beckoning him to join them in their attempt to create a somewhat decent sandcastle._

_Sanji curled up, bringing his legs up to his chest as he finally lowered his head away from the sky. His eyes closed as he then began to drive away all the noise that surrounded him. As one arm wrapped around his legs, another found itself leaning towards the warm sand. He let his hand sink into a small pile, trying to make out every small grain his fingers passed by. His face eased the tension that it had been holding for so long since he had found himself on this beach, and he felt himself calm down a bit as he realized how real everything felt around him. Ever so slowly he let the sounds of the laughter and conversations enter his mind once more, as well as the lovely scenery that he had been so afraid to take notice in. He opened his eyes and saw the beach again, though this time he realized it was more than just an illusion. The water seemed to glow with small sparkles, created by the sun's light. And the sun itself seemed to beam down on him, producing what had to be real warmth._

_It couldn't possibly be-_

" _Sanji!"_

_The blonde turned his head and stared at the young man that was running towards him. In his hand was a shovel and on his face was a cheery smile. His other hand was grabbing at his dark green swim trunks, which barely seemed to fit his slim figure. His hair was a huge floppy mess from the seawater, but he didn't seem to mind it in the least._

" _U-Usopp," Sanji stuttered a bit. He hurried himself up into a standing position, his feet immediately taking notice of the soft heat beneath him. He gave a subconscious sigh of relief as he felt a tingle of pain as the heat grew and irritated his soles._

" _Come on, Sanji," the younger male said in a whiny tone. He crossed his arms impatiently and frowned at the older. "You can't just sit around all day…have some fun!" The tanned boy placed a hand on the other's shoulder and gave it a small tug, pleading Sanji to hurry over where the unfinished castle was. "Or are you too old for this stuff?" Usopp joked, chuckling a bit as Sanji better situated himself._

_Well of course he was too old, but Sanji knew better than to say such a thing. He was feeling quite pleased at the moment, all sensations of fear and worry now behind him. He looked around the colorful atmosphere and couldn't help but produce a small smile._

" _I'm taking that as a 'no'?" Usopp asked with a smirk._

_Sanji chuckled, pushing his friend away from him._

" _Don't be a smart aleck, long-nose," Sanji said in an almost playful tone. "I'll help you with your stupid sandcastle." He tilted himself a bit and looked over Usopp's shoulder. "Pretty shitty…it could use the help."_

_Rather than remark on Sanji's language or comment, the boy merely jumped with joy._

" _Great," Usopp said. He took a few steps over to where the castle was, his head turned to Sanji as the blonde slowly began to follow him. "You know, Sanji," Usopp began. His smile shrank a bit as he looked away for a second or two._

" _Yeah," Sanji asked._

" _It's great to see you smiling," Usopp said. He turned away from the blonde, his arms crossed and his voice just a bit tense. "You've been acting strange for quite some time now…"_

_Sanji's eyes met the sandy floor as he continued to follow the younger man, his smile a bit strained and his hands clenched to his sides, wishing there were pockets in his swim trunks to hide them in. He felt tense as he clenched his teeth together, and suddenly the heat produced by the hot sand was the least of his worries._

" _I know," he muttered._

_Sanji pulled his head up and looked around his surroundings one last time. Everyone around him had stopped with what they were doing, and they all seemed entranced by what was now falling from the sky. Of course Sanji himself couldn't help but look up as well, his visible eye locking on the cylinder shaped object that seemed to be heading his way. And suddenly, without much warning, the sounds of screaming and chaos soon filled his ears. He made a small glance, giving a weak smile as he saw that everyone he knew had long disappeared. Good, he didn't want to have to see Usopp or Kaya suffer._

" _These dreams," Sanji said in frustration. "They're becoming too real…"_

_Sanji looked up once more, not out of curiosity, but because the sounds of ringing and roaring had overcome every other sound around him. He could still make out the unnamed figures running about, their faces twisted with fear and panic as they scurried in circles. Sanji really didn't want to have to see them burn to a crisp. He placed his hands on his face; the last image in his head being that of a rather close bomb headed this direction. His mind was becoming more imaginative. He held a deep breath as he tried to think of a new way to escape, not wanting to experience what his mind thought to be a reasonable reaction to being eradicating from existence._

" _It's not real…" Sanji told himself, despite not being able to hear a single word from it. The sound of the dangerous weapon had overcome every other sound, even his own thought._

_The blonde gasped in pain as he felt his skin burn red, his right shoulder bubbling and melting as the heat around him intensified._

_Not real…not real at all. You created it yourself._

_Sanji fell to the floor as he felt his legs give in, his feet having begun melting to the sand. The pain was unbearable, and it would only grow as every second passed by. He felt his hands stick to his face, his finger burning up and going numb from the intensity._

_Get out…!_

_Sanji tore his eyes open, staring up at the now burning sky. He could make out what would be destroying him this night, but for only a brief moment, soon after everything went white._

_Fuck, this better not hurt…_

_Sanji held his breath and-_

X

His room.

Sanji stared up at the dark ceiling, breathing hard as he let his fingers and toes curl and relax. They ached, but that was no surprise by now. He let himself look around the familiar surroundings, playing over the same routine he had done the night before. Only when he was sure that he was actually awake, and that it was safe for him to get up, did he situate himself on top of the sheets.

Sanji took a deep breath, a hand reaching to the top drawer next to his bed in an attempt to get himself a cigarette. His arms trembled all the way over there, and all the way back and they even trembled as he grabbed the lighter and lit the damn thing.

Sanji took another deep breath, this time filling his lungs with tasty addictive smoke, and he finally was able to settle down a bit. His whole body was in pain, covered in sweat and spasms from what he had just experienced. Although this had been happening for quite some time now, he still wasn't used to the after effects one bit.

He let himself fall on to the bed, a hand raised up high as he tried to recall every small detail of that nightmare.

…people he knew were in the dream.

"Why?" he asked himself, taking another drag from the cigarette. He looked over to the door, making out a bit of the hallway. Why on earth was he dragging in people he knew, cared for? That was never supposed to happen! They were never supposed to know, and they could never be a part of it. He couldn't handle it on his own, god forbid he have to watch such horrific things happen to those he cared for.

Sanji let his hand down and let it rest on his chest. He could very much feel his heart beat, its pace still rather hasty from the dream. Hopefully the shock would pass by, seeing that he was able to figure that nothing was real before he had died. Thank god he did.

It was so real. Too real.

He had felt it all, even though it happened all to fast. Within milliseconds he had died, yet he was still able to make out the very experience of being burned alive, to the point where nothing was left of him. It fucking sucked, being cooked alive and experiencing every moment of it. He thought hypothermia sucked, but after awhile he always went numb and would shut down before the death hit him, you never just passed out when you were burning, unless he was in an actual fire. He was never lucky enough to have a dream about being caught in a fire and suffocating, nope; he was too busy dreaming about frostbite, poison, and now, bombs. And even though by then he knew it wasn't real, his mind still played the same questions over and over;

_What now?_

_What will happen to me?_

_What will death be like?_

_Is this death now?_

_When will this….end?_

Sanji sat up, his arm out, and pushed the nub of his cigarette into the ashtray. He turned his head over to the calendar, making out the markings that he had made some time ago.

Nami would be coming over on Tuesday.

Sanji frowned as he sank a bit, his legs dangling on the edge of his bed. It was so quiet right now, so very quiet. He couldn't make out the sounds of Usopp snoring, or the goddamn leaky faucet, even the annoying tick sound of that clock that was in the kitchen. The horrid sensation of loneliness enveloped the blonde as he wondered what he should do. He was so tired and a good night's sleep was becoming something so very unattainable.

_When…will this end?_

Sanji looked over to the calendar again, wondering how displeased Nami would be if he wasn't here to help her with her classes. Or maybe she would be sad, seeing that…that…

He shook his head, trying desperately to get rid of the painful thought. Even more painful that the ones produced by the dream? Maybe. Perhaps. Not really.

No…he was too tired, and he was only getting weaker. He hated to admit it, he was too proud to admit it, but he was really nearly the end of his ability to endure.

… _end?_

"Soon," he murmured to himself. He felt a pang of regret as he uttered the word. But it wasn't nearly as bad as what he had already felt before. And it bothered him. It bothered him so much that the very thought of ending said pain barely made a dent to his morale. He was numbing up to these depressing thoughts, and Sanji was quite sure of himself that he was past any point of returning to normal when it came to such thoughts. Maybe he really was that far gone. Maybe he had reason, or perhaps this was some sort of sign. Why else would he dream about dying over and over again, and in such clever ways? Was slitting his wrists not good enough, did he really have to die such unusual deaths, over and over again? Maybe he was on to something, his subconscious.

And maybe he wouldn't have to worry about feeling that again.


	2. Before Noon

-Chapter 1-

Before noon

The small, dank two bedrooms, one bath apartment Sanji roosted in was more than a thousand a month. Sometime around three in the morning, Sanji realized that he couldn't merely leave his roommate without at least making an attempt to help him out. True, one could say his supposed selfless act was just as selfish, being the motives behind it. But then it turned six and Sanji, without having fallen asleep since waking up around one, got up and got dressed. As soon as he finished with all his usual morning duties he grabbed his hardly used checkbook and scribbled the amount of his months share. He was sure he had enough in his checking's at moment, even with him having spent a bit more than usual with shopping last week.

"Here," Sanji muttered as he walked into the poorly lit kitchen. He didn't bothering giving a 'good morning', nor bother asking his roommate how he was or what would be a good idea for breakfast. He just pulled out the check and threw it on the table, right in front of Usopp. "My half of the rent."

Usopp stared blankly at the small piece of paper before giving a small yawn. He tiredly looked up at Sanji and then peered over to the clock that hung on the wall next to the fridge.

"Too early," he muttered. "Don't talk about rent this early in the morning."

"Rent's important," Sanji replied. He crossed his arms and waited for Usopp to just take the check. He needed to make sure the boy took the check, not so much because he had little faith in Usopp's responsibility, but more because he wasn't sure of himself.

"Isn't rent due in two weeks?" Usopp asked. He picked up the check and stared at it, then looked back up to Sanji with a rather peculiar expression. "Why now?"

Sanji merely shrugged, pretending as though his action had no real testimony behind it.

"I had the money," he said, finally, after viewing Usopp's confused expression for a few meager seconds. What else could he say? He had decided long ago to not bring anyone into what he was currently going through, way back when it wasn't so much a problem. He was proud, and had been proud back then, he didn't want to come crawling to those who saw him as calm and confident. Even now, during this horrendously strained moment, he couldn't begin to explain why he was handing the money in so early.

_Just in case_ , he thought to himself, secretly answering Usopp's question truthfully. I don't want you to not be able to pay for rent next month, and it'll give you the time you need to move to a smaller place or back to your parents, whatever you choose. Hell, keep the money if you want. If it makes things easier on you. I don't know…not really.

Usopp scratched his head, his fingers buried underneath his thick black hair as he placed the check back on the table. He gave a quick looked behind him, not seeming to really make eye contact with anything of value, furniture aside. Sanji just stood patiently, a hand now leaning on one of the chairs as he watched Usopp's movements, praying to not see anything queer.

"You sure you have enough," Usopp then asked. "This isn't spare aid, is it?"

"I spent the remains a while ago," Sanji said reassuringly. "This is my own hard work, and don't worry." He then pulled out a chair and sat himself down, his hand digging through his pockets as he tried to retrieve himself a cigarette. "Speaking of which, I won't be at work today."

"Midterms?" Usopp asked.

Sanji closed his eyes as he wondered how well it would be to trick the younger. Surely the best thing he could do was assure Usopp a good day without worry.

"Tomorrow morning," he lied, his face straight as ever. Surprisingly, it wasn't as hard as he first thought it to be. The words literally flew right out of his mouth without the slightest bit of struggle.

"Right," Usopp said. "I guess I'm going to have to brave…," Usopp faked a weak cry, "Zeff."

"Screw the old man, he can live without my help for one night," Sanji said. He placed the cigarette in his mouth and playfully sucked on it. Usopp was as chipper as ever, and he didn't suspect a thing. The blonde looked over to the clock and frowned. "It's almost half past six," he muttered. "What's for breakfast?"

"Letting me decide today?" Usopp asked.

"You deserve a chance once in a while," Sanji said, a small smile spreading on his face. "And you make it sound like I never let you decide a meal!"

"You wouldn't let me pick anything out for, like, a month," Usopp said in a whine. "Remember? It was during summer right before you signed up for classes."

"You mean when you wanted to try out being a vegan to impress Kaya? " Sanji asked. He crossed his arms and smirked at Usopp, "I had reason behind that." He got up from his seat and walked over to the stove. "Hot or cold?" he asked. "Hurry up and decide, I need to drop you off soon before heading over to class."

Of course, this was a lie. Sanji had made no plans to go to any of his classes today. It was all well laid out, well, as well laid out as he could make it within such a short time and with so much going on in his head already, but he had a plan.

"Do we still have chocolate chips," Usopp asked eagerly. He hurriedly opened the fridge door and rummaged around it.

"Pancakes?"

"You know it," Usopp said excitedly, pulling out a small bag. He opened the small bag and gave a happy yell. "Sweet! We totally have enough!"

"Hand it over," Sanji said, extending his arm out to Usopp. "Get the whole milk while you're at it."

* * *

It was snowing.

Sanji huffed a bit as he got out of his car and stared up at the gray, clouded sky. It wasn't snowing too hard, which meant he wouldn't have to worry about taking the car with him, though it did worry him a bit that Usopp would have to deal with this later on his own when he took the bus, seeing that traffic always went to hell on these sorts of days. If he was lucky, his roommate would call his mother or ask a friend to drop him back off at the apartment. He hoped Usopp wouldn't call him, not after giving his excuse.

He closed the door and locked the car, looking around the unfamiliar back parking lot before deciding to continue on. He knew parking in the front wasn't a real option, and rather than cause any alarm, since the library was several blocks away and too far of a walk in regular weather, keeping it in the back seemed like a decent option. It could be found and moved without being too costly, unless Usopp could keep it, which was a bit doubtful. It would be nice if he could though; he and Kaya really needed to spend more time together.

The blonde hurried through the back door, and soon walked up the stairs to his apartment and quickly unlocked the door, his mind going into some sort of strange daze as he took his first step into the warmth.

His visible eye looked around the entrance, darting about the small hallway as he continued to walk in deeper. He stared at the small living room, at the worn out furniture and the neglected, dead laptop resting on the black coffee table.

Usopp better do something with that goddamn thing…

Sanji walked over to the kitchen table, his hands fishing through the few sheets of paper that had been pushed aside during breakfast. He picked up a blank sheet and quickly checked for any marks on it. It was clean. Sanji proceeded to look around for a pen, frowning when all he could find was a sharpie, but decided to use it anyway. He pulled the cap off, wincing a bit from the strong smell the sharpie produced, and went on to writing the small note. He pushed the cap on and stared at the note, nodding his head in approval before shoving it deep in his pockets.

Without a sound he walked over to his room and opened the door, giving what he figured to be his final last look on it. God…it was messy. Sanji sighed as he walked in and placed his hands deep into his coat pockets, grabbing on to his cellphone and wallet, and then pulling the items out. He immediately tossed his wallet to the floor, giving it a light kick for it to hide underneath his bed. All he would need were a couple of quarters to get to where he needed. Sanji then focused on his phone.

Already that feeling of doubt was filling his chest. It almost overpowered that exhaustion that already had hold of him.

He stared at it for a moment, ignoring the fact that his hand was trembling as he pressed on the power button and watched as it gave a small chime before turning off. Even after the small screen went black, he kept staring at it. He wanted to take it with him.

_Not possible,_ he thought as he clenched tightly to the phone. He knew he couldn't take it with him, because if he did he'd somehow just back out of it. Sanji bit his lower lip, staring hard at the phone as he looked over to the calendar again.

What about Nami? Tomorrow-

Sanji shook his head, hard, and forced his hand to let the phone go. He listened to it drop as he continued to disapprove of his thoughts.

This was why the act of suicide was so serious. People thought the very act was bad itself, but when you add in the fact that the person had to deal with going with it, that long period where they had to prepare for it and plan for the day, it became something along the lines of frightening. Sanji only had a few hours to really think about it, to come to this decision, and even though he was so sure of himself while he laid in his bed and stared up at the ceiling, now he was wondering what exactly he had been thinking during this time.

Was this really worth it?

Dying over and over again, but at least he woke up; when you do it in real life you never wake up.

But…but when you have a harder time figuring out what was real and what was not, and you risk watching those you love suffer along with you, and then have to wonder whether or not that was real; is that worth it? And what it worth having to undergo the same process over and over again, waking up covered in sweat and wondering if it was blood, or creeping up to your friends room to see if he heard you, or staring at your cell phone and wishing you could call someone just to hear their voice? Was not sleeping at all worth it?

Sanji took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down from bouncing around on his choices. He looked down and stared at the dead phone, though this time without going into any sort of a panic. He let his sneakers touch the tips of the phone and gently moved it to underneath his bed, away from his sight.

He needed to not think about it.

It was so lonely though. Sanji stared around his room once more before realizing that there was only one more thing to do. He pulled out his keys and grabbed hold of his car key and alarm, fiddling with them and freeing them. He tossed the key and alarm on his bed, not worrying so much that they be spotted. Usopp, Kaya, not even Luffy would spot it from the door. Sure, the latter would probably bust through the door and raid his room, but he doubted the energetic boy would think a thing about it. Luffy wasn't ignorant, nor was he innocent, but he wouldn't dare think about the worst case scenario.

Sanji swallowed hard, his through dry as he walked over to the entrance. His hand clutched tightly to the doorknob as he eyed his room for the last time.

_Maybe he should clean it before leaving?_

Sanji sighed as he closed the door.

Everything had been planned out. He would leave the car in the back, close so it cold still be used in case it wasn't considered evidence, or so it wouldn't be too expensive to remove it from the property. But it was hidden; anyone that knew him wouldn't just go back there for no reason. Sanji knew after so long people would look around the area, and then it would be found, though by then he wouldn't be around. His phone was turned off, so there would be no point trying to call him after a failed attempt. Even if there was a way to locate his phone, it would lead to his room, underneath the bed, next to his identification.

He had told Usopp he had a midterm tomorrow morning, which meant he had up until three before anyone had a reason to worry about him. The natural assumption would be that he would spend most of his time at the library, since anywhere else was too loud. Usopp would tell Zeff that he wouldn't show up to work on his way to the bookstore, which meant the worst that would happen would be the old man trying to reach him by phone. But even he knew Zeff to know he probably wouldn't be bothered, since the man, despite hardly ever showing it, cared about his grades more than his hours. And he could be sure than no one would suspect a thing when waking up in the morning and not seeing him there. Parking was a bitch, even at a community college, especially in the snow, and on a test day you just don't want to be late.

Considering it was all thought up within such a small amount of time, Sanji was almost proud of himself. It caused a feeling of pure languish to think how easy it would be to remove himself from existence, as well as how quick he had thought it up, but there was still a bit of pride in the fact that he came up with it, so short and all no his own too.

All that was left was the aftermath. The most important part and the one thing he couldn't control, no matter how much he wanted to.

He gave Usopp a nice morning; hopefully he would be forgiven for the upcoming shitty future. Nami, he could only pray that she wouldn't come over on Tuesday, or that she would find out that he was missing by then and not have to find out the other way. Either way, he didn't want her looking for him. He didn't want Luffy looking for him either, but he knew the boy would probably be the first one out the door with a flashlight, even in this weather.

Sanji's hands balled up into fists as he made his way past the dark hallway, passing through posters and pictures. He didn't look at them, but he was very aware of their presence. He was very aware of the presence of all the small things in the house. Anything that reminded him that he was going to cause some major suffering became more aware and present than before. On any given day he would have never taken notice of those stupid pictures.

Of course he knew he probably wouldn't be remembered as the calm, smooth, proud man that he was usually seen as. He knew there would be questions. Everybody would wonder why he never said a thing about being depressed, and some would go and blame him and maybe even hate him. And as ironic as it sounded; he wasn't sure if he could live with that.

Sanji opened the front door, one hand in his pocket as he felt the small note as well as a packet of cigarettes. He pulled out the pack and pulled two out, placing one in his mouth, the other in the pocket of his dark blue coat. He stared outside, spotting a few birds flying by, and continued to stare out to space as he lit his cigarette.

He inhaled deeply.

He closed the door behind him.

* * *

"You're failing chemistry," Robin said with a small smile as she viewed the few sheets of paper that had been handed to her. She flipped over a page and continued to look over the marked questions. "I don't think your parents are going to be pleased about this, Zoro."

"Idiot," Zoro hissed between his teeth. One of his hands covered his face as he stared down at the floor.

"I mentioned that geology was easier, didn't I," Robin asked as she placed the test on the coffee table. She looked over to the young man, watching him quietly writhe about. It was quite amusing to see him in this state, especially when she considered how it could have been easily prevented.

"I took it in high school," he muttered to himself, not really paying attention to the older woman. "How come I'm failing it now…?" He removed his hand from his face and sank into the couch as he grumbled quietly to himself.

"High school isn't the same as a university," Robin answered. "I'm pretty sure that was mentioned to you some time ago as well?" She chuckled to herself as she wondered how many of her failing students took this very approach.

"Don't act like that," Zoro said, crossing his arms. "I didn't come here to have to listen to you mighty words of wisdom…" He pouted, his face heating with anger and embarrassment. "I need help, advice."

The raven haired women sighed, though her smile still remained on her face. Aside from his statement conflicting within itself, she found herself with hardly any options for the boy. After all, what could she say aside from the very obvious? And she knew well enough to know that he wouldn't be pleased with his answers either.

"Withdraw from the class," she said.

Zoro paled.

"I can't do that," he said, looking away from Robin.

"Pride won't help you," Robin said, getting up from her seat and making her way to the kitchen. "You pass, fail, or withdraw from a class, there are no other options."

Zoro inched his way over to the edge of the couch, watching Robin place a kettle on the stove. His eye twitched a bit as he impatiently waited for her.

He wasn't quite sure how he found himself in this cruel and unusual situation, other than life pulling a fast one at him. He got a good "C" back when he took the class his junior year, so he figured he would get the same, if not better grade when he decided to take the class for his first semester. He had to meet certain requirements as a student, two of them being taking a life and physical science.

He had a low "D" in chemistry…a very low "D".

So low, that it wasn't even considered a "D" in any other type of class, but since science classes were weighed differently, he had a "D".

It was rather pathetic when one thought about it.

"Fuuuck," Zoro said in a whine. He had thought about it.

"Try to refrain from swearing while in my house," Robin said from in the kitchen. The tone of her voice was not very inviting. "I invited you in; the least you could do is attempt to be a polite."

"Don't you know any of the science professors?" Zoro asked, getting up from his seat. He walked over to Robin and leaned on the table, watching her go through one of her cabinets. "Couldn't you ask them for tutoring?"

Robin didn't even give a glance to the younger male as she produced a small chuckle of delight.

"And you can't your professor for help," she said, pulling out a small box from the cabinet. "Is it that hard to ask yourself?" She watched Zoro give a hurtful look. What was it about the male specie that made asking for help so difficult?

Zoro grumbled to himself, closing his eyes as he tried to hide the growing humiliation begin produced by the conversation. He should have known better than to attempt to ask Robin for help. Just because his mother said they were friends, and that she would be there if anything went wrong, did not mean that she would be willing to actually produce something along the lines of help. No, Robin was far too cold and heartless to do that, being helpful was beyond her capability.

"I'm a History professor," Robin added. "My classes, as well as my offices, are located far from the Science department."

"So there's nothing you can do?" Zoro asked.

"You'll need to come up with a solution on your own," she answered.

Zoro grimaced, despising every option that had been given to him. Of course, it was his own fault for waiting this long to turn to someone, and even more his stupidity for thinking that Robin would do a thing about it.

Why was it so hard to ask his professors for help? Maybe because he wasn't used to it?

Why on earth did he think Robin would be of any help either?

"Tea is done," he heard Robin say as she passed by him. "Drink some, it'll keep you warn in this weather."

"Says the one in a skirt," Zoro commented. He looked over and watched the raven haired women grab he bag and head for the door. Zoro frowned at this. Robin didn't have to teach for another two hours…

"You're just going to leave me?" Zoro asked angrily.

"I trust you'll keep away from the alcohol," Robin answered. She opened the door and gave a small wave to Zoro. "I expect no one to be here when I get back," she then added as she closed the door behind her.

"Hey, wait a sec-"

Robin closed the door shut, turning her key and locking it behind her.

Zoro was like a brother to her, which was a big deal to her considering that she tried her best to naturally push people away, not wanting to get too close to anyone, but he could be such a pain to deal with. He hardly ever approached her with a problem, but when he did it was always something that he, as an adult, should have been able to foresee and fix on his own. When he came to her with problems that she simply could not work with, then things were assure to become nasty.

But he was still a child.

Robin smiled as she walked down the porch, thinking of nothing more about what had occurred in her house. She wasn't the least bit worried about what would happen to Zoro, it just wasn't her problem to bear. And he was growing up, he needed to learn to act early on when a problem arose, not wait till the last minute to try to hastily solve it.

Live and learn, and the other way around.

Robin stared up at the sky, enjoying the wonderfully cold weather. Even dressed like this, she found the cold winter to be rather enjoyable. How Zoro could think otherwise really did boggle her mind.

…

…

Within fifteen minutes Robin was well on her way to the university where she worked. And within these now sixteen minutes, she, as strange as it was, did think of Zoro, but only for a brief second. It was right when she was entering the long, surprisingly empty bridge did she realize why Zoro would have been so foolish to come to her, out of all people, this late in the semester;

He needed to be at least a two-point-zero student in order to continue in extracurricular actives.

"He wanted to go abroad," she muttered to herself as she turned on the windshield wipers.

Robin paused for a second.

"Better luck next time."

Robin kept both hands tight on the steering wheel, carefully navigating her way through the cold weather. It had stared snowing a few hours ago, and the weather had turned for the worse since then. It wasn't enough to close the bridge, but it was enough to assure that she was only one in a few who would dare brave it today. Even with her high beams on, it was something of a chore to drive through the growing amount of white. But she had dealt with worse before…

She continued to press onward, her speed slowing just a bit as she hit the center of the bridge. Even with the heater on, she shivered just a bit as she kept on moving forward.

It seemed like it would be a long winter this year.

But as Robin was just hitting past the halfway mark, something caught her attention, though just barely. She figured it to be an illusion of some sorts, seeing that the visibility was declining, but as she continued to press on the brakes, she came to the conclusion that what she saw was real.

There was a person leaning on the ledge of the bridge.

"In this weather?" Robin asked herself as she squinted her eyes, catching a small light from the unknown body.

It had to be at least forty degrees outside…at the warmest! Why would someone walk around here in this weather? Even as a shortcut, Robin couldn't come up with a logical explanation as to why someone go to the extreme of walking. A bus…maybe even a bike, but walking wasn't very smart.

"He'll catch himself a cold," she said, looking out to the side as she slowly rolled on by.

From what she could see, which wasn't much; he had hardly anything to protect him from the weather; no scarf, mittens, or hat. Not even a jacket of coat He had pants, and long sleeves, but Robin was pretty sure of herself that it wasn't nearly enough to keep him from freezing. There was something at his feet, something that had been thrown down without much care. Robin wanted to guess a jacket, but all things considered, she hadn't the slightest idea as to what it could be.

Robin quickly turned on her emergency signals and stopped her car as she pulled down the window and tried to get a better glimpse. A rush of cold air flew in her heated vehicle, and now she couldn't help but shiver from the cold. It didn't stop her from watching though. She was determined to figure out what was going on.

His back was facing her, and his arms rested on the ledge as he-or perhaps she-stared out into the sky. Robin's eyes then went back down to see what he had cast down next to him.

It was definitely clothing.

Robin's head rose back up as she silently stared at the silent figure. He didn't seem to notice her, or if he did, then he didn't really much care. This wasn't the case though; what got Robin was the fact that he was alone. It bothered her.

She jumped a bit when she saw the figure finally move. His hand went over to his face, grabbing the small light, and flicked it away.

…

_Do something_.

Robin held her breath as she watched the frozen figure continue to stare out into the bay, anticipating the worst. She grabbed her belt and clicked it, freeing herself from her seat. A hand was at the door as she kept on watching him. Thank god the wind was blowing; hopefully he didn't hear her car. Hopefully he was too much in a daze to have noticed her.

And then it happened.

Robin's eyes widened as she watched the figure kneel over, hands grabbing at the shoe and untying it loose.

She had a jumper.

She acted then. She swung her door open, not the least bit affected by the cold, icy wind, ran over to the clouded figure. She saw the bare foot touch the gray pavement and jump a bit from the cold, but then soon after the same process was being repeated.

Robin wasn't sure if there were other cars on the road, or how she managed to jump over the railing with a skirt and high heels, but somehow she managed to get to the other side, and soon after this she grabbed hold of the unknown figure. Her fingers wrapped into the thin clothing, her other hand grabbing hold of the shoulder as she forced the body to face her and away from the water. It was a bit of a struggle, but she had the upper advantage.

He was still in shock when she successfully forced him away from the ledge, still looking off into space as his chest heaved up and down in a rapid motion. Robin grabbed hold of his face-he was definitely male- and made him face her.

Her jaw dropped a bit.

"You're…"

* * *

It was getting colder by the minute, and Sanji was having a hard time going without the coat to keep him at a reasonable body temperature. Every breath he took stung from the cold, and his whole body wouldn't stop shivering.

Sanji lit the last cigarette and deeply inhaled, hoping it would warm him up just a bit. Soothing sensation aside, it hardly did anything.

Sanji blinked as he looked down into the huge bay, the water swaying along in a somewhat rapid motion. By the looks of it, he would be killed by drowning, not hypothermia, which wasn't what he wanted. Drowning was painful. Sanji could recall the horrible times where he had drowned in his sleep. His lungs burned, his body ached and his muscles would spasm and contract as he would try to free himself from the watery grave. Death by freezing wasn't nearly as bad. You lose consciousness before death. Sanji was hoping for the latter in this case.

But beggars obvious couldn't choose here. And fate sure did enjoy messing with him.

Even with his coat off, Sanji doubted his temperature would drop low enough for him to go comatose.

And it worried him.

"Well shit," he muttered.

Sanji really didn't want to drown. He didn't want to have to actually feel pain in dying.

How stupid of him to demand a peaceful death. He made a mental note to purchase a gun in his next life, should he be unlucky enough to have to end it there too.

Sanji leaned on the cold concrete ledge, taking in the god awful view as he contemplated his next course of action. No, he was sure he was going to stick with the plan. He couldn't just back down now, not after experiencing such euphoric sensations during his way down here.

Oh yes, those feelings.

Sanji was beginning to think he may have been sick in the head now, because although there was a part of him that just wanted to break down and burst into tears and beg for another chance, there was also a part of him than wanted this to finish. Half of him was literally thanking him for doing this. The whole bus ride had been one where all his thoughts seemed to tell him that everything would e ok now and that things would work out better next time, and he was brave for going along this.

He could literally say that he wanted to die.

A normal person should want to live. If he were normal, wouldn't he be crying right now? He could feel a part of the languish, the bitter hearted part of him that wanted to back out and forget about this. And as he stared out there was a part that wanted to cry, if only a little. It was against human nature to want to end your own life.

But only a portion of him felt this way. The other wanted to see the end of the show.

How fucked up was that?

A huge gust of wind blew past Sanji, causing him to grab hold of himself. He shivered, cold as hell, but forced his arms away from his chest. He really didn't want to drown…and the only way to assure that was to keep his body temperature down.

Sanji moved his head up a bit, his eyes lingering on the small bits of snow that were making their way down to earth. Hopefully the temperature of the water would fit into the equation.

He took another deep inhale, his lungs thanking him for the warm smoke.

Would he still dream after this?

Sanji frowned.

What would real death be like? Surely not the way he perceived it when he slept?

He closed his eyes, his ace stinging a bit as a few tears broke free from his tightened morale. He didn't wipe them away, nor did he give himself a moment's doubt that this was a sign to turn back.

He was tired, emotional….these things happen.

_What about everyone else?_

He'll become a thing of the past, and maybe even become nothing more than a bad memory, buried and forgotten. Sanji opened his eyes as he looked down and sighed.

Normal people don't dream about dying…not all the time. They dream about the things they love, about the stresses of everyday life, about their dreams…they _dream._

When was the last time you had these types of dreams?

"I don't remember," he answered himself. "Not even nightmares…"

Sanji flicked his cigarette away, no longer feeling an urge to satisfy his addiction. He stared at his hand, more importantly, his fingers.

He couldn't feel them.

Sanji gave a sad smile, a mixture or relief and exhaustion now filling him.

His body hitting that point of no return,

Sanji glanced down and tried to wriggle his toes in his soaked sneakers.

Numb.

Well, this was finally it. This is it. Here it is.

Sanji felt his chest ring with a strange mixture of satisfaction and remorse. He did his best to ignore both feelings as he kneeled down and began to undo his shoe laces. He had to go without them if he wanted his body temperature to drop fast enough. Almost immediately after removing the shoe he felt his foot sting in pain, and only from the wind. He hurriedly took off the sock and hissed as the air caused his limb to ache and sting. He grit his teeth as he forced his foot down on the ice cold pavement. He almost let out a scream as he felt his flesh burn from the sheer cold. He jumped a bit, his foot aching as it was practically ripped from the icy ground. This didn't stop Sanji though; he forced his foot back down, keeping himself from wanting to cry out from the agonizing pain.

Familiar pain, no less.

Sanji then moved to his other sneaker, fighting through the pain as he began to untie the lace. He closed his eyes shut as he felt the pain in his other foot grow, more and more, until it reached something along the lines of indescribable. He let his hands away from his sneaker as he clenched his hands into fists. He held his breath, waiting for the numbness to completely take over his right foot.

Just a second…it'll be ok….

And it was. Sanji went back to his other sneaker and practically tore it off, along with the sock. He bit his lower lip as he stood himself up, his left foot now suffering the pain that had just passed in his right.

It hurt so much.

But it was almost over.

Sanji looked to the edge. All he had to do was grab it-

!

The blonde halted, feeling something grab hold of his back. His eyes widened in horror as his whole body stiffened up, whatever holding him now pulling him away from the edge. A hand grabbed hold of his shoulder, finger gripping on to him tightly as he suddenly realized that there was someone else here, and that he was being attacked.

He struggled, trying to shoo the other away, but his sore muscles made his movements rigid, and he couldn't see if his attacks were even landing on whoever had him. His mind rushed around in circles. His heart raced several paces as he wondered what he was to do. He felt his foot, as numb as they were; tear away from the concrete as he was turned around to face his unknown enforcer. Sanji couldn't help but make a quick glance to the ground. Fear filled him as he stared at red stains were his feet once stood.

Oh, god…

Oh, dear god….

Many voices, thoughts, filled his head at this moment. Upon realizing that he had been caught, that he was now captured, that he couldn't possibly run since his feet now lacked a epidermis, and possibly dermis, to walk on, as well as the fact that he was just about to jump off a bridge, that he was about to die, that he had cries, that he had felt good-Sanji could hear a great deal of remarks going on in his head right now. However, only one of them really got to him, and made him realize just how fucked he truly was;

_You're in trouble._

Sanji felt more tears run down his face.

He wasn't sad. Well, he actually was sad, but not for the reason one may think.

He got caught.

He was guilty.

A hand roughly grabbed on to his face, forcing Sanji to look right into the other's eyes. He didn't want to; he didn't want anyone to see him.

He stared at two pale eyes, that fear reaching a level he didn't think was possible to achieve.

It was a woman.

"You're….," she muttered, her jaw dropping just a bit. Her expression added more to that guilt, as well as reason for him to just jump.

Now he really wanted to jump.

"You're just a boy," she said.

Sanji clenched his teeth and looked away.


	3. Afternoon

-Chapter 2-

After noon

At first Zoro wondered whether or not he should bother showing up to his Political Science lecture, being that it was a lecture class and everything he would learn could b accessed via power point through the universities site. He wasn't really in the mood to go to any of his classes, not even Kendo, since he was in a rather foul mood from having that talk with Robin. He didn't want to go to his dorm room and have to sit around all day either, considering that his current daily schedule consisted of him going to his Monday classes, eating, studying, and then, finally, sleeping (though he did rest throughout the small breaks). So he basically had the choice between doing absolutely nothing, or being constantly reminded that he was going to fail a certain class, since he did have chemistry at four.

Today was not his day.

Zoro let one of his fingers poke at the small floating teabag, watching it release a dark puff into the colored water. Well, he couldn't stay here all day; Robin had made that known before leaving. And aside from a television, there wasn't much else he could do.

And Zoro wasn't a real fan of today's entertainment.

"Stupid tea," he murmured distastefully. He rose from the couch and headed over to the window, moving the curtains aside and looking out.

It was barely noon now; he would have about an hour to himself before he needed to head out, assuming he wanted to make it to his Political Science class, or any class for that manner. Zoro stared at the remote and wondered whether he should waste the remainder of his free time wasting away in front of a television screen, since sitting around and drinking tea wasn't exactly his top priority.

Actually, watching TV would do him little good either. It wouldn't hide the fact that he needed to pull his grade up to at least a "C". It wouldn't hide the fact that he needed to be a good standing student in order to go abroad next semester.

"Maybe if I raise my other grades," Zoro muttered hopefully. It was a plausible idea. He had two "Bs" and a "C"; if he could get himself an "A" he would have a two point five GPA average, which would be high enough for him to qualify for abroad.

Didn't hide the fact that he had a "D" though. He was sure his parents would be upset over this, and even with a good grade average, unless he could get the funds to help pay for the trip, he would still be in the same hole he was in now.

_There's always hiring a tutor_ , the little voice in Zoro's head suggested. 

Zoro frowned, "with what money?" Chemistry majors were always willing to make a quick buck, but the cost per hour, per lesson, would burn a financial hole in his pocket. Being that Zoro did live in a dorm and traveling home would require two hours of his time; money was a wonderful privilege that he cared so deeply for. Sure, money was sent over to him, but he still had to pay for the common luxuries such as clean clothes and gas.

And tutors could be expensive. Maybe if he was friends with some who was a science major it wouldn't be so bad, but he wasn't and he was sure he would have to pay full price.

A friend of a friend?

He tried to think of a few names, but none of them really made much of a difference. He had a small group of friends, and not a very close knit mind you, so it didn't take very long to conclude that he was back at square one.

Study the hell out of your other classes, or get yourself a tutor.

_Or you can spend more time just studying on that class_ , the voice suggested once again. Zoro actually recognized this little voice and thought about it for a moment, wondering whether or not that would give him positive feedback. Surely another hour would show in his work. Just a bit more into his work ought to help him, and pull his grade up a teeny weenie bit.

But what about his other classes?

_You'll have to give up your free time_ , he thought to himself. If he wanted to keep the same study time for everything, but take more time in for just chemistry, then he would have to give up his fun free time.

This meant less time for him. Which meant less time training or exercising, or figuring out ways to purchase alcohol without an ID, or sleeping, or watching reviews on that guy with the…

"Jesus," Zoro whined. He made a face of disgust as he realized, for the first time in his life, what it meant to have to "sacrifice". And as he sank deeper into the soft furniture, grabbing hold of one of the white throw pillows, his mind focused more and more on the "sacrifices" he would need to make if he wanted to pass the next test and then the final exam. The past two tests were a low "C" and a "D"; his labs were a mixture of "Bs", "Cs", and a few "Ds". In order to get a good grade, he needed more "Bs" and less of the other two. He needed to get good grades on the tests if he wanted to actually place a dent on the grade. Quizzes made the least amount of the grade….so even if he got "As", it wouldn't make a huge difference. Oh yes, definitely the test…then the labs, and finally the quizzes.

How much time would he have to give up now? More than an hour, that was for sure.

_Buzz!_

Zoro jumped a bit, feeling his phone vibrate , and hurriedly pulled his cell out of his jacket. He mde a note to make sure to place it on sound more often, especially today since he still doubted that he would show up for classes later on. He stared at the small phone and frowned a bit.

There was a sad face on his screen.

Mom?

He leaned in and stared at the area code.

Nope, just Robin. Zoro gave a sigh as he tossed the phone back on the table. He did not want to hear her give him "a talk" about his situation. The conversation had ended on a sour note, and he figured that his new plan would be enough to help his grade. She said he only had so many options, well, he knew that!

Ignore.

Zoro stared at the ceiling, thinking of hardly a thing now. Now he couldn't think of school without thinking of Robin. And he didn't want to think about Robin.

_Whatever you do, don't answer your phone!_

Zoro glanced back down when he heard his phone, being that it made a weak sound as it moved about the table, give another call. He leaned forward and picked it up.

It was Robin, again.

Was it something else? Zoro stared at the phone and wondered whether he ought to pick up. Robin wasn't one to call over and over again for something menial. It could be something very important. She may have forgotten something.

Zoro smirked at himself. He would love to think of Robin in a situation where she wasn't totally prepared. He would also love to be in a position where she was dependent on him, and he was in command of being in control, for once.

Now, Zoro was not usually sadistic, nor did he take pride in having power over others, but ever since his senior year in high school, the year he was introduced to Robin, he found himself in these situations where he would think outside his usual small box. He was told that he would come to rely on her and that if he ever had a problem, to flock to her and ask for her advice. But Robin wasn't like that. He knew, from the very beginning, that she was something hard to read, something difficult to understand. Zoro always felt that there was more to Robin, that behind her words was another kind. Everything about her seemed a bit off, and every action she performed made him wonder what the true meaning behind it was. Could he take everything she said to heart? Yes. But did he comprehend all of it? No. Could he trust her? Hopefully. What if he knew exactly what she was asking? …

But then there were those times where Robin was blunt with him. Like today. And when she was honest she was cold and distasteful. She never bothered trying to sound nice or motherly. She didn't think of the consequences he might have to feel when she said her honest opinion.

But Robin wasn't his mother, so yeah, his argument did fall a bit flat there…but still; she could try to be a bit more sincere.

Zoro decided to answer, being that he was so gracious and that Robin would have to owe him one. Oh, how he would bask in the moment.

"Hello," Zoro said. He'd like to think he had a rather pretentious smile on his face. Zoro didn't even know the meaning of the word.

"Zoro?" Robin's voice answered. There was something off about it. Something strange. "Are you still at my place?"

"Well, yes," Zoro said, leaning on the sofa. He chuckled a bit. "Did you forget something?"

"Zoro! Please listen," Robin's said. Her voice sounded very flustered. Was she nervous? What was wrong? Zoro's smile weakened a bit as the worst case scenario popped in his head.

"You're not hurt, are you," Zoro asked, both hands on the phone. His eyes darted outside. It was snowing, accidents could happen, "where are you? Do you need me to come and get you?"

"Listen, Zoro," Robin's voice said. She seemed a bit calmer, but still shaky. "I need you to go to the bathroom. Fill the tub with warm water."

What did she just ask?

"What?" Zoro asked.

"Go fill the tub now!" Robin yelled through the other line.

Robin never yelled.

Zoro immediately ran over to the bathroom. He hadn't the slightest idea what was going on, but he was panicking like he did. He didn't even take the time to respond to Robin, he was already pulling up his sleeves and turning the knob. Not even the bathroom light was on. He grabbed the plug and pushed it in the drain, huffing a bit as he did as he wondered what in heavens name happened to evoke such a reaction.

He stood himself up as he stared at the tub. He then turned to the cell phone and eyed it, bringing it back to his ear.

"It's filling," he said in a rather unsure tone. He took another breath. "Robin, what's going on?"

"Warm water," Robin asked. "It's not hot, is it?"

"It's warm," Zoro said. He got down on his knees and let his hand soak in the water. "It's…warm."

"Good, now get some tea bags and throw them in the tub," Robin demanded.

"…you want me to what?" Zoro asked.

"Zoro, just do it," Robin said. "This is serious."

Zoro stared at the filling tub and groaned. He was going to use tea bags…in a tub?

"Ok then," Zoro said, his expression ever so slowly twisting into something strange. "Is there anything else you need me to do?"

He was still nervous. He hadn't forgotten about Robin yelling or sounding nervous. But he was curious, and he was distraught, and he was wondering why he was getting tea and throwing it into the tub.

"I need you to hurry outside as soon as you can," Robin answered. "I need you to be out there in less than five minutes." There was a small pause, and for a second Zoro was sure he heard something else aside from Robin on the other line. "Can you do that, Zoro?"

Zoro had been rummaging through Robin's cabinet, trying to figure out whether green, herbal, or earl grey tea should be used for the tub, when he suddenly began to put the pieces together.

Robin wasn't in trouble.

Someone else was.

"Robin," Zoro said in a very stressed tone. He placed his hand, which had the box of herbal tea in its grasp, on his head, as he stomped over to the bathroom. He stared at the almost overflowing tub, then to the box of tea, then back at the tub. "What the fuck is going on?"

And shortly after asking this, Zoro went back down on his knees and turned off the water, then made his way to the box.

"Two and a half minutes, Zoro," Robin replied. He heard her mutter something, but he wasn't sure whether it was aimed at him or whoever she was with. "You need to be out there."

And then she hung up.

Zoro ripped several containers and hastily threw the bags into the tub. He let his fingers press the bags into the warm water, and even took the liberty of swirling them around to get the tea going. Zoro pulled himself up and walked over to the door, leaning on the wall as he leered over past the hallway into the living room. He bent over and grabbed the box of tea and let it sit by the sink, after doing so he walked over past the hallways, then the living room, then the front door.

He leered at it annoyingly.

What on earth was going on? And why couldn't Robin just tell him? Why make him go through all of this stuff and not tell him?

"Somebody better be fucking dead," Zoro hissed as he opened the door and braved the cold weather.

* * *

That voice that had reassured Sanji over and over again that jumping was the best option, and that everything was only going to get better afterwards, was long gone. And replacing it was the sound of his inner voice screaming at him. He was an idiot. What was he thinking? How could he do this to himself?

And it wasn't so much him regretting that he was about to jump as much as it was him regretting getting caught. Because only when he looked into the eyes of this woman did all that support dwindle down to nothing. And being the young, still maturing human that he was, he put himself in the corner and shut himself up, unwilling to say a thing as he was grabbed and forced into a car, but still showing, through his faint and weak expressions, that he regretted and understood what he was about to do.

But as mentioned above, it was more regret of getting caught in the act. And even his expressions were not always linked to his obvious self remorse.

By god he was so deep in shock.

His mind only seemed to lag, even as he was driven to…wherever she was taking him, his mind still seemed glued to the last event. All he could think about was being stopped. He almost jumped…but she stopped him.

Why?

And Sanji thought this was a stupid question to ask himself, especially considering that no good human would let another die in front of them, but the word kept on ringing over and over again.

Why?

He almost did it. He almost did it, until she came along.

Sanji sighed, a small amount of air escaping him as his eyes glanced out the window. It was still snowing. How much of the day had passed? He couldn't bear to lift his head up and risk looking her in the face. He didn't know how much time had passed since he woke up, since he had planned this out, since he lied to his friends' face, since he went out and took off his coat…his shoes…

Who was she?

Where was she taking him?

Sanji didn't want to know. Morbid curiosity drove him to want to know, but fear and knowledge prevented him from wanting to know the truth. The ideal answer would be the hospital, and awaiting him would be loads of trouble. He couldn't even begin to comprehend what would become of him once she explained what she had seen.

And it only got worse from there.

There was no way out of it. He couldn't keep his mouth shut forever. Eventually they would figure out who he was, even without his identification. It was technically a crime to kill yourself; they could press charges if he didn't give the doctors, the police, the _psychiatrist_ any information. And then what? They'd make calls. Everyone would know. His family, his friends, anyone with any relation to him would eventually figure out what he had planned to do.

Nobody would forgive him.

And how could they? He was this stupid, selfish human being who decided to go and kill himself without giving any signs. He never told anyone he as upset. He never asked for help. All in all, he betrayed everyone. They would have no reason to trust him, to take his side when the option of therapy was arisen, or when needles and pills got involved. No one would forgive him for taking the easy way out. They'd never look at him the same way again.

They'd hate him…

Why? Why? Why? !

"You have ten seconds to tell me why I shouldn't go to the hospital and tell them why you're bleeding."

Sanji didn't lift his head as he heard the dreadfully serious words. His heart raced as he felt his body tremble with fear. Both his eyes went wide as his mind raced around even faster. It was getting painful to think.

The car is too hot. Your lips are chapped. Your fingers and toes are still numb. She's driving too fast. It hurts. Your skin's getting sticky. Times running out. Still numb.

Sanji merely shook his head. What else could he do?

"I thought so," he heard her say. Her voice was cold.

Sanji bit his lip, lurching a bit as he tried to restrain himself from crying. He was not going to cry in front of her. Bad enough she had to see him attempt to kill himself, he wasn't going to make things worse by crying. Sanji grabbed on to his stomach as he felt himself get sicker, his stomach twisting about and his body shivering and his head spinning.

"Are you alright," he heard. He didn't respond as he looked down to where his bloodied feet were.

_God, this sucks_ , Sanji thought as he forced a weak smile on his face. He blinked several times as he tried to make out whether or not the car's furnishing was getting stained by his own blood.

Maybe that's why he felt so shitty.

"Zoro…he's not answering…"

_Why are you doing this to me_ , he thought again. _What kind of satisfaction are you gaining by torturing me? I can't live, I can't die; why the fuck won't you let me have neither? How long do I have to keep on suffering before you grow weary and let me finally kill myself? Or is that not satisfying enough for you? Just let me die…I'm already dying right now…_

"I got no skin," Sanji weakly muttered as he lifted his foot up.

"What," he heard that voice say. It didn't seem as close as it was before.

His soles were a bloody mess. He was missing skin alright. Blood seemed to be clotting from most areas, but there were, in fact, areas that seemed to be oozing the bright red liquid. The areas that lacked the skin were shiny, with red and pink exposed tissue, and small areas that were lighter than the others. It looked nasty. Sanji expression was stoic as he stared at the awful sight. He could see, at the edge of the bottom, still hanging skin.

So…this was frostbite. In real life.

Why did it hurt less than in his dreams?

"Why would you…" Sanji bit his upper lip.

"…"

He was sure that she was staring at him. What expression was on her face, Sanji couldn't begin to guess. He lifted his gaze from his gored feet as he finally decided to face her. She wanted a reason? Fine; he would give her a reason.

"Why would you…waste their time with me," he said. His voice was shaky and weak. He didn't sound the least bit confident.

"Their…," she shook her head. "I don't understand."

"What would be the point in taking me to a hospital," Sanji questioned. "You saw what I was about to do." His hands clenched into tight fists as he angrily eyes her. "You think pulling me away magically made things better?"

He would usually never use a harsh tone when speaking to a member of the opposite sex. Hell, he would never even be sarcastic around a woman.

But now…

She glared heavily at him.

"I'm not the one who'll cure you," she said in a flat tone. "They will. They have programs for people like you."

"What makes you think I'll let myself be around to endure that?" Sanji questioned. He let a hand cover his face as he faced himself against to swallow that urge to break into tears. "I'm in a worse state than before now…"

"You only have yourself to blame," was her reply.

Sanji held his breath as he let the painful words sink deep into him.

"I know…" he whispered.

She was…right. Why was it so hard for him to ask for help? To ask for advice? When the nightmares became frequent, why didn't he go to someone? Because he was too proud and he didn't want to appear weak in anyone's eyes. He didn't want to be anything less than what he was known for. When you die, you don't have to worry about keeping the same name for yourself.

Sanji's stomach twisted a bit, his innards contracting as the stress continued to rise. That urge to vomit was growing more and more.

"I need you to go to the bathroom, fill the tub with warm water…"

Sanji turned and looked over to the older woman. He hadn't noticed till now, but she had a cell phone in her hand, and she was bloody using it! Sanji felt himself go pale, more than what he already was, as he realized she was talking to someone about him right now.

"Go fill the tub now," she continued, her gaze meeting Sanji's as she desperately pleased with whomever she was talking with on the other line.

"What…are you," Sanji asked. He felt his heart skip a beat as he turned away from him, now looking back to the front as she maneuvered her way through the traffic. He stared back down at his feet, watching them dangle, since he was asked to not let them rest against anything, above the flooring and watching as small drops of blood dripped from them. Most of them landed on his shoes and socks, which was alright, but a few drops still found their way to the flooring. He was going to ruin her car.

"You know what you did was wrong," she said suddenly.

Sanji turned and stared at her. She wasn't looking at him; she was still facing forward, one hand on the wheel, the other to her phone.

"I didn't do anything yet," Sanji said.

"Yet," she muttered, "but you said you will."

"I doubt today will change anything," Sanji said. "I'm sorry…but…"

"I have a boy about your age at home," she said, smiling just a bit. "He's got some problems too. I'd hate to think he'd resort to something so drastic." She then lifted the phone a bit and went on to speaking into it.

Sanji frowned. The woman…a mother? She didn't look very old, and to have "a boy about his age" would mean she would have to be well into her thirties. She didn't look old at all. No, she was far too young.

"You're staring," she said.

Sanji pulled away from her.

"I need you to hurry outside as soon as you can," she went on to the phone.

"Are you taking me to the hospital," Sanji asked. The words kind of just escaped him. He didn't want to go to the hospital. She was asking someone to get things ready for when he got home. And Sanji so desperately wanted to believe that things were not going to go further downhill than what they appeared to be.

God, he was really feeling sick.

"Frostbite can be cured without professional aide," she said. "Of course, after forty eight hours, if there is not improvement, you can assume that something will have to be amputated."

A bit of color rushed to Sanji's face. It was a real bittersweet moment. Of course he didn't want to go to the hospital, and he was glade that it seemed she was going to let him slide, but then she went on and mentioned that last part.

"Look at me," she then asked.

Sanji lifted his head up and stared at two lovely brown eyes. Although she had sounded angry, cold, frustrated, even cruel whilst speaking with him, he could see the worry, pain, and sadness in her eyes. Sanji felt his heart sink as he continued to stared deep, staring at his own messed up reflection.

"Why?" she asked.

He never told anyone. He couldn't bring himself to do so. But right now…it was strange. No relative, friend, but a complete stranger!

"…dreams," he answered.

* * *

When he had said that "someone better be fucking dying", Zoro had only been acting out of annoyance and spite. He wasn't serious. Not in the slightest.

Zoro went absolutely white as he then saw the reason behind the tub and tea bags. Robin had parked the car right in front of her house, the passenger side facing it, and Zoro managed to get a wonderful glimpse of the crimson and white stained together in the car. He almost backed away when he saw the pale body, refusing to believe what he was seeing.

Robin hit someone with her car…?

She killed someone?

Drugs?

Robin opened her door and walked over to the other side of the car, carefully eyeing Zoro's stiff and trembling body. She stopped in front of him, her hand raising his head up as she proudly smiled at him.

"You got everything done," she said in an every cheery tone. "I'm so proud of you."

Of course Robin would say something like that during a time like this.

"What the fuck," Zoro said, wiping her hand away from his face as he continued to stare at the blonde in the car. He gritted his teeth together as he stared at the lowered face, the drooping body, and then finally faced the older woman. "What's going on?"

Robin sighed, "It's a rather complicated story." she closed her eyes as she opened the front door. "Of course, he's only so wiling to tell me…"

Zoro just stared as robin bent over, whispering to the pale blonde. He took the liberty of getting a better look as she scooped half of him up, getting his arm around her shoulder and dragging him up. Half of his face was covered by hair, the other hidden as he did everything in his power to look away and not face Zoro. His whole body was covered in goose bumps, and was so….white. It wasn't healthy at all. He wore no shoes. His feet were bloody. Zoro did everything in his power to look away from there and not think anything more about it.

"Help me lift him," Robin asked. Zoro hesitantly walked over and scooped the other half of the blonde, his eyes wandering low as he and robin worked together to make it to the front door.

He didn't say a thing, and neither did the stranger, but Zoro was sure something was going on. He was sure the blonde was awake and conscious. What was going on here? Zoro continued to me his way through the door, not having the least bit problem carrying the blonde over to the bathroom. He was sure he could do this on his own, bridal style of course, but he wanted Robin right next to him. He wanted her right there, next to him, so he could swear up a storm and demand to know what was going on. There should be no reason for him to be carrying an almost passed out person to a tub.

"Sit him down here," Robin finally said as both she and Zoro made it into the small bathroom. He shifted himself a bit to make sure the blonde was carefully placed on the toilet seat, giving him enough time to retract his feet up so they wouldn't touch the floor.

Zoro let go of his arm, letting the other pull away from him. And as he stretched his arm out, Zoro and the other finally got their first face to face meeting, though only for a second or so. Zoro got to see his pale and messy face; he got to see those eyes that seemed to be surrounded by small dark bags. He saw drastically pale lips. Pale skin. Pale face. Tired face. Sad face. And then the stranger looked away, his face quickly falling to the fall and breaking away any contact.

"Zoro…"

The young man turned to Robin, his expression grim and overly serious as he tried to peace out what was going on.

"Robin," he said, grabbing her hand. "Who is he?"

Robin stared worryingly at Zoro and then to the blonde.

"I can't tell you," she confessed. "He'd have to be the one to tell you himself." Her gaze kept to the blondes. "And I don't think he'd be willing to say much right now."

Zoro glared down to the blonde.

He was staring right back at him, and with a threatening glare.

Zoro turned back to Robin.

"Why is he here?" Zoro asked. "Shouldn't he be in a hospital? I mean, he's a mess." Zoro crossed his arms and groaned. "Honestly, how stupid can you be?" Zoro sighed, shaking his head. "I mean-"

"Don't."

Zoro stopped midway and turned around, his gaze meeting right back with the blonde. He had lifted his face, enough for Zoro to see that the sad, poor-me expression had disappeared, and was now replaced with a very angered one.

"Excuse me," he asked.

"Don't talk to her like that," the blonde replied. His hands were balled into fists and his body stiffened up in a desperate attempt to look more threatening.

Zoro chuckled.

"So you can talk,' he said, smiling just a bit.

The blonde didn't seem to find Zoro's reaction funny. His expression only grew a bit darker. Zoro let his smile run off as he then saw that the blonde was actually serious about his comment. He was actually pissed.

"What's your problem?" Zoro asked, leering at the blonde. "Seriously…"

"You," the blonde hissed.

Zoro was taken aback.

" _Excuse me_?"

"Boys," Robin said, placing a hand on Zoro's shoulder. "Let's calm down. Now's not the time to fight and argue." she looked at Zoro and smiled. "Zoro, could you please grab Sanji's personals? They're in the car."

Zoro's eyes widened a bit. He looked over to the blonde and saw his angered expression dwindle into horror right after she had said the name.

"Zoro?"

Zoro nodded his head, his eyes still locked on to the blonde as he made his way out of the bathroom. He slowly walked down the hall, hearing Robin close the door behind him as he made his way into the living room.

Sanji, hmm?

How on earth do you go from mysterious, to helpless, to asshole in such a short time, Sanji?

Zoro hurried out the opened door, running over to the small car and sighing to himself as he saw that it had been left open. He knelt over and stared at the small red mess that had welcomed him when the car had parked. He picked up the bloodied sneakers, his face growing more sickened as he saw that the car itself was stained with blood.

"What the fuck did you do," he muttered as he closed the passenger door and walked over to the door behind it. He opened the door and grabbed the unfamiliar coat, relieved to see that no blood was covering it.

It didn't look like he would be going to class today. He simply couldn't now, not with this mysterious man now rudely interrupting his life.

Where did he come from?

Zoro closed the door, making sure the door was locked as he made his way back into the warm house. He closed the door behind him, throwing the coat on the armchair and walking over to the kitchen. He stared at the sink and looked around helplessly before tossing the bloodied articles of clothing in them.

He was sure Robin would think of something better to do with them later.

Zoro was just bout to sit himself back on the sofa when he heard a loud cry come from the bathroom. He jumped a bit, startled from the sound.

Guess hot tea and raw skin don't go hand in hand with one another.

Zoro smirked a bit as he settled himself down again, his hand far from the remote as he decided to just listen to the sounds being produced from down the hallway.

Once again, he was not sadistic. Sanji had left a wonderfully poor first impression on him, and he couldn't help but want to imagine the blonde suffering just a bit.

Zoro's smirk faded.

Wow. That actually sounded pretty bad when he though about it.

…

…

Zoro leaned over and looked down the hallways, listening carefully to the whimpering being produced. He couldn't help but wonder why this was happening in the first place. What did Sanji do to get himself in this situation? Why did robin go and help him, unless she somehow got herself involved?

Zoro scratched at his short, green hair, thinking to himself. He spotted the coat in the corner of his eye and figured he'd start there. He got up and walked over to the armchair, picking the coat up. He let his hand travel around, trying to find the pockets. Once he finally found out their locations, he let both his hands go deep and try to fish any sort of clues. He was hoping for something, mainly blame, to help explain what was going on.

All he got were keys.

He checked the pockets again, and even went as far as to recheck the coat again in case there were more, but came to see that the keys were the only things Sanji had on him.

A car, house, and some small key…that was all.

Zoro closed his eyes as he tried to remember the blonde's clothes.

He was pretty sure he wasn't wearing any baggy clothes. And he was also pretty sure he didn't have anything sticking out of his pockets.

Zoro dangled the keys in front of him, no longer listening to the sounds coming from the bathroom.

No cell phone, no wallet, no money; nothing.

That was weird. Who didn't carry any of their personals with them? Wouldn't you need your ID, your credit cards, money? Sanji certainly wasn't homeless, and even if he was, he would still have more on him than what he did now. Another glance at the hallway. It was silent. Back to the keys.

No, it was frightening. Zoro clasped the keys tight in his hands as he remembered the how worried Robin sounded when she had called him. It was unlike her to sound so scared and worried.

"What did you do, Sanji?"

He wasn't wearing his coat when he came in. Zoro stared at it for a few seconds and tried to imagine the thing on the blonde. It certainly wouldn't have gotten blood on it, since it didn't meet the ground. And why take it off in the car? Sanji was pale when he first saw him. If anything, he would have needed the coat to keep him warm enough and to keep his blood flowing. So he had the coat off in the beginning? But then, why would he go around walking without a coat in this weather? He had the coat with him so he wore it for certain amount of time, then took it off. Along with his sneakers. His sneakers were on for a while before being taken off. But would he take those off?

Perhaps he was mugged? It made sense.

But then why didn't Robin call the police? Why didn't she take him to the hospital? She could have dropped him off and gave her side of the story and left for work. But she didn't. Why?

Things simply were not adding up.

Zoro threw the keys on the table and hurried over to the bathroom. He didn't bother to check to see whether it was locked or closed, his hand was around the knob and turning it before he could think about it.

Luckily it was open, and luckily Robin hadn't prepared for if Zoro decided to take a peak inside.

He regretted doing this soon after.

So, there was Sanji. Sitting on the ledge of the tub, his legs soaking in the pink watery tub, his back facing Zoro. And there was Robin, sitting on the side of the ledge, her face to Zoro. But she wasn't looking at him.

No she was far too busy to be looking at him.

Her eyes were closed, and from what Zoro could guess, Sanji's were too. And his arms were all over…her. No, no, no. And she had a hand on him…no, no, no….

Zoro took a step back, his face reddening a bit.

They were…kissing?

Zoro took another look.

Yeah, they were kissing.

"Uhm…" Zoro said, breaking his glance away from the two. _Please, of merciful lord_ , Zoro prayed, _tell me that Robin knows this guy, or that this is some strange dream…hell, I'd even go for an early April fools joke._

Robin's eyes opened. She broke away from the blonde and stood up, her arms crossed as she smiled casually at Zoro. Zoro couldn't help but spot Sanji looking up at her. He didn't have a victorious, cocky, over confident look on his face, like he figured there would be. In fact, his expression seemed more bland and emotionless than before.

Zoro still made a note to kick him out of the house as soon as possible.

"Zoro," Robin said her hand on her somewhat flustered face. "You're going to be late to class."

"You're going to be late to work," Zoro pointed out.

Robin frowned. "It appears I will be," she muttered.

"I take it you're not going to class," Zoro said, his eyes making quick glances over to the blonde. Sanji wasn't looking over. He was back into what Zoro figured to be his sulking mode.

Robin chuckled.

"I'll go, though, I'm not sure who will be willing to watch over-"

"I can watch over him," Zoro said, offering himself for the cause before Robin even had time to finish. Yeah, he couldn't stand Robin at times, but he was not going to let some guy make a move on her while he was around, even if he was suffering from frostbite.

"I don't think…"

"I'll make sure he takes his bath," Zoro said confidently. "And anything else…"

Robin sighed.

"You'll miss your classes," she said.

"I'll take one for the team," Zoro replied.

"It's not what you think," she said, smiling at Zoro. "There's no need to get jealous."

"I'm not jealous," Zoro said reassuringly, "I'm just making sure you won't get in trouble for work. I can take care of him."

Robin shook her head. But she gave in to the other's demands and took a step over to the door. She turned her head around and stared down at Sanji, her smile growing just a bit.

"I trust you won't do anything to worry Zoro, will you?" she asked.

Zoro turned to Sanji, watching as the blondes face lit up just a bit. Zoro rolled his eyes as he saw a very, very, small smile grow on Sanji's face.

"Of course not," Sanji answered.

"Be good, you two," Robin said, making her way out the door. "Oh, and Zoro?"

"What?" Zoro asked in a whine.

Robin leaned forward, whispering to Zoro; "keep your phone at you at all times…especially when he's asleep." she quickly wrapped her arms around Zoro, confusing the green haired man, and said in a strange, out of character tone, "take good care of yourself!"

"What?" Zoro was baffled.

What did she mean by that?

"Make him feel welcome," Robin said. "And if you smell something weird in several hours, call nine-one-one."

Zoro forced a smile upon his face, pretending the hug he had received from Robin was something usual and even waved as Robin walked down the hallway. He kept the smile on his face as he listened to the sounds of her opening the door, shutting it, and locking it behind her.

And then he stopped smiling.

"You…," he said, facing Sanji.

Sanji looked up, his expression back to empty. Zoro really needed to figure out what was going in that guy's mind. How was he always changing expressions?

"…are you bipolar," Zoro asked unintentionally.

Sanji closed his eyes.

"Maybe," he muttered.

"Oh," Zoro said, looking away again. He wished he hadn't asked that. Shit, the blonde really was depressed then.

He made out with Robin.

"Look," Zoro said suddenly, breaking out of his temporary state of guilt, "I haven't the slightest idea what's going on, but you can't just go and start making out with whoever you please." Zoro blushed a bit. "And you can't act like nothing happened either. You're bleeding, and you're acting strange….and bounce from one emotion to the next."

"I said I might be bipolar," Sanji said weakly.

"No excuses," Zoro yelled. He grumbled a bit to himself as he realized that yelling with a disturbed person may not be a good approach. Zoro made a small glace over at Sanji and was surprised to see a rather solemn look on his face.

"Sorry," Sanji muttered.

Zoro felt guilty again.

"I should have thought about it before kissing your sister," Sanji added.

"She's not my sister," Zoro said.

"Mother?" Sanji asked in a surprised tone.

"No, she's a friend," Zoro said, his face heating up from shock. _As if_ Robin could be anything more than a horrid friend of a friend.

"Oh," Sanji said, "so you like her?" He nodded his head. "Then I'm really sorry."

"Whatever," Zoro said. He wasn't going to bother anymore. Sanji said he was sorry. That was enough. As long as his reign of masculinity did not falter, Zoro was pleased.

…

It was quiet.

Aside from the subtle sounds of water swishing about, Zoro felt as though the whole room was being absorbed into some sort of death trap of awkwardness. Sanji wasn't gong to say a damn thing now that his precious Robin decided to go out, and Zoro had just finished making an ass out of himself by playing protective brother to someone who he hardly could stand.

"Zoro?"

"Hmm," Zoro looked down at Sanji.

"That's your name, right," Sanji asked.

"Yes," Zoro said, giving a small nod. "Roronoa is…actually, just Zoro."

"Alright then," Sanji said.

"You're Sanji, right?" Zoro asked. "I know Robin said it, but I just wanted to be sure."

"It's my name," Sanji said in a mutter.

"Ok," Zoro said. He was feeling a bit calmer now. He and Sanji were on a talking level, and that was always a good start. If the man was open enough to talk with him, perhaps he could learn a bit more about him then. There was a lot about Sanji that Zoro was eager to know about. He had so little on him, and it was strange and made Zoro so curious to know more. And Sanji did seem somewhat reasonable. He defended Robin, and he apologized as well. He obvious wasn't on the deep end.

He seemed like a perfectly normal person. Maybe he was mugged. Maybe he knew Robin from somewhere. Perhaps he had simply overreacted.

"Sanji," Zoro said.

Sanji looked up and faced Zoro, "yeah?" He sounded slightly more chipper than before. That was a good sign too.

"What happened?" Zoro asked. He pointed down to the tub, which was pinker now than ever. "How did you end up with that?"

Sanji turned his head and stared meaninglessly into space. He took a deep breath and sighed, his hands covering his face as he let his head sink a bit.

"Zoro," Sanji said.

"Mhmm?" Zoro replied.

"You can leave now."

He sounded sick.


	4. Night

Robin had texted Zoro a series of rules and instructions to follow. And although Zoro had said he would take each order to heart and without question, lo and behold; he asked question.

"I'm to give him an extra two if he complains about the pain?" Zoro had asked via a text. Of course, it wasn't written exactly that way. "Isn't that a bit too much?" mind you, Robin had said to give him two immediately following the soak, and then have some bandages wrapped around the soles of his feet. Two and two made four, which was quite a bit considering the dosage of the medication.

"He'll hopefully be asleep, and won't have to take extras," Robin texted back. The words were all spelled correctly and were not abbreviated into regular text slang, whatsoever.

"Didn't you say to keep an eye on him while he slept," Zoro continued to question. "And why would I have to keep an eye on someone who's asleep? I doubt he's lost that much blood."

"It's not him falling asleep that I'm worried about," Robin replied back.

"What is it then?"

Instead of an answer, he received, "have him sleep in the guest room."

"That's my room," Zoro had text angrily as he waited outside the bathroom. And he made sure Robin knew he was angry too; he made a frowny face using the keypad.

"No, your dorm-room is your room," Robin had replied. "Only during weekends and holidays is the guest room your room."

"My stuff is in there," Zoro hastily text back.

"I doubt material goods matter much to him at the moment," was what he read soon after.

"How can you be so sure?"

Thievery was not uncommon. How was he supposed to trust someone he hardly knew? Robin wasn't telling him enough, and there were some pretty personal items in that room. Whatever he couldn't take to his dorm was kept in that room, and he would hate to discover those precious goods of his gone.

He really would.

But Robin never text him back on the answer. Not after ten minutes, or eleven minutes, or after that; and it brought Zoro to the conclusion that she either really enjoyed to watch him writhe in frustration, or she couldn't come to an answer herself. And as much as Zoro wanted to believe the second, he knew it was more likely toward the first.

That, or she was busy teaching class.

And so, about twenty minutes of silence between both men, Zoro pulled the drain and let the dirtied water sink through. He washed his hands thoroughly as he let Sanji place a few soft sheets on his raw soles, making the occasional glace at the reddened flesh as fingers delicately tried to wrap a layer of medical bandages around it.

Zoro wanted to say something, especially since he could tell Sanji was stressed over the possibility of having to deal with losing a limb, seeing that he was stumbling with wrapping his feet up, as well as having a very strained expression on his face. He refrained, telling himself that Sanji must have done something to get himself in that situation. Only an idiot would walk around barefoot in this weather. Zoro had gone out shirtless, in those attempts to better his inner strength, but even he knew that there were limits to the human body.

After washing his hands for several minutes, thank god Sanji was to busy to have noticed this, he came to see that the silence between the two of them was not working out.

He wasn't sure what had bothered Sanji so much about his question, other than Sanji doing something really stupid to get himself in this position, but watching him trying to wrap his bloody feet made Zoro feel a tad… _emotional_.

It was a pathetic sight to behold.

"You're leaving it too loose," Zoro muttered nonchalantly. He made sure he was looking away from the blonde direction when saying this. "You don't want bacteria grouping up…you need it nice and tight."

He heard Sanji move around a bit on the seat. Zoro continued to look off and pretend he really didn't care about Sanji's sad attempt to bandage himself.

"It needs air, doesn't it?"

Zoro glanced over at the blonde.

"Not when there's a chance of skin rot," he replied.

Sanji's face paled as he looked down to his feet. Zoro watched the blonde move his toes, tightening and releasing his muscles over and over again.

"I can move them," Sanji retorted dryly.

"It's not that simple," Zoro said, frowning at the blonde.

"They can feel," Sanji said. His tone was a bit more desperate.

"Still, it's not that simple," Zoro said again. He removed himself from the wall that he had been leaning on and leaned over down to Sanji. He faced the nervous blonde, and then brought his gaze down to the blondes poorly covered feet. "You can feel because of muscle pressure…but there may be nerves that are beyond repair."

"It might be a small amount," he heard the blonde mutter. Zoro looked up at Sanji and smirked.

"Or it could be a lot," he replied in a cocky tone. "That's why you have to wait several hours before coming to any sort of conclusion…unless you were to go to the hospital."

Zoro watched the thing body move in a strange matter, as though the very thought made the blonde sick. He felt his smirk dwindle as he though about Sanji's current position. The blonde may very well be scared. Nobody wants to lose a limb, especially one you use to walk on. When he got down to it, he was being a real dick to Sanji. He barely knew the guy, and even though Sanji had appeared out of nowhere, made out with Robin, and refused to tell Zoro where the hell he came from and why his feet were so screwed up, he still didn't have a right to scare the fuck out of him.

"Hey…" Zoro said in a soft tone.

Sanji moved a bit, though he still seemed glued to the seat and his face to his bandaged appendages.

"I…I shouldn't have said that," Zoro said. He felt his face prickle with heat as he felt himself sink from embarrassment. "Sorry…"

Sanji looked over and stared at him, though he didn't respond to Zoro's apology. He soon turned his attention back to his damaged soles and bean unwrapping them.

"Do….you need help?" Zoro asked.

"No."

Zoro looked up and stared at the ceiling of the bathroom before letting his jaw clamp tight.

The man was difficult! There was absolutely nothing he could say to Sanji that would relieve any tension that had been created between the two of them since meeting. And it wasn't so much that Zoro wanted their meager excuse of a relationship to get better, because he figured he'd never see the blonde after today-tomorrow's tops-and therefore had no reason to be kind in the first place, as much as t was him wanting to just not have to deal with the poor attitude.

Obviously Sanji didn't want to make friends with him. Ok, he could live with that. And it was also obvious that the blonde didn't want to talk about his current situation, and Zoro understood that as well. If the blonde didn't want to talk about how he fucked up his feet, then fine by him.

But the awkwardness! The god awful silence that pushed Zoro down and made him grit his teeth in agony!

No human could naturally handle such a feeling. If this was taking place out in public, Zoro would have just left the blonde where he was, and would figure that another good soul out there would come to the blonde's aid. But this was not the case. He was stuck with this…person! He couldn't leave Sanji, not after promising Robin that he would watch over him, and he couldn't call anyone to help ease the tension either. Sanji was this responsibility that didn't want anything to do with him.

And then there was this obvious, blatant stupidity.

Why didn't Sanji want to go to the damn hospital? What reasonable human risked losing a limb when there was wonderful medicine and twenty first century technology? Yeah, it was frostbite, but any good doctor in the city could probably save the foot.

It wasn't so much that Zoro was frustrated with Sanji's unwillingness to not give an explanation to why his feet were such a mess. He just wanted to know why he wasn't being driven to the hospital right now. Why didn't Robin take him to the emergency room? She, of all people, should have known better.

"Are you legal," Zoro asked suddenly.

Subtleness had never been Zoro's forte.

This actually got the blondes attention, which was no real surprise. Zoro had an eye glaring at him with a mixture of repulse and confusion within a matter or seconds after asking that question.

" _What_ ," Sanji asked. Zoro couldn't find a word to describe the tone in Sanji's voice, and it made him surprisingly nervous.

Yes, that was a stupid question. A very stupid question and Zoro would admit that asking it was probably a bad idea and that he should have left it as a thought rather than just blurt it out like he did. But it sorta made since. What kind of guy walked around with an ID? And he was afraid to go to the hospital…right? He didn't want to go, that was for sure. Yeah, sure, there were people with actual phobias that feared hospitals for a various amount of reasons, but it really didn't add up well. Of course, Zoro didn't think about any of this when he had asked, all of this had just sprung up in his head now, but it did add to his defense.

Not that he would try to defend himself in this case.

"That…was a stupid question," Zoro said.

"Yes, it was," Sanji said, that offended look on his face still very apparent.

"Sorry." Zoro said, trying his best to redeem what little dignity he had left.

Sanji didn't say a thing. He continued to stare hard at the young man, his facial expression easing a bit as time moved on.

"Whatever," he finally muttered. He looked down at his feet and bunched himself up into a tight ball. He looked away from Zoro, keeping himself quiet as he silently thought to himself.

"So…Robin asked me to give you some medicine," Zoro said awkwardly. "You know, to help ease some of the pain you're probably in…?"

He watched the blonde continue to stare out into space. Zoro had a feeling much of what he was saying wasn't really reaching Sanji. Maybe drugs were involved. That could be another reason why Sanji didn't want to go to the hospital.

"I don't need any," Sanji said, getting up from the toilet seat. He flinched a bit, his face twisting in pain as he let his weight rest on his poorly bandaged feet. Even Zoro couldn't help but wince a bit as he watched the blonde stumble a bit from the shocking sensation.

"You look like you do," Zoro muttered, his eyes lowering down to the bathroom floor. "If you're not careful you'll bleed." He took a step closer to the blonde. "At least let me help you over to the bedroom…"

"I don't need the rest," Sanji said hastily. He lifted his hand made for the doorknob, his back to Zoro. "Just tell me where my stuff is…"

Zoro frowned. "You're not really just going to leave, are you?" He shook his head and made a nervous smile. "It's snowing; you have no money on you."

Sanji faced Zoro and produced a rather strained expression.

"I…can walk."

"Barely," Zoro said, his face showing more worry by the second. It wasn't that he was afraid of getting Robin upset by letting Sanji leave. No, Zoro had the ability to show human compassion as well. And the image of a pale, limping blonde in the increasingly bad weather made Zoro feel uncomfortable.

Nobody deserved to be in that weather in that condition….even if they came off as an asshole.

"Don't worry about it," Sanji said as he made his way out of the bathroom. Zoro stood there for a few seconds, letting the sight of the obvious limp settle in him before realizing that he might need to persuade the blonde to stay a bit longer.

"You'll ruin your feet," Zoro said as he hurried down the hall.

"I'm not too worried about that right now."

"It's fucking snowing," Zoro said, stopping at the entrance to the living room. He watched the blonde hurriedly put his coat on, his hands burying deep in his pockets as he huffed a bit and looked around frantically.

"Where are my shoes," Sanji asked, turning to Zoro.

"Your keys are on the table," Zoro pointed.

Sanji looked down at the coffee table and stared blankly at the keys lying on it. His visible eye then locked on back to Zoro, his expression turning dark as he lowered himself and grabbed the leys from the table.

"Shoes," Sanji hissed through his teeth.

"…they might have been left in Robin's car," Zoro lied. He made it his duty to keep his eyes away from the kitchen.

Sanji's jaw dropped, his chest heaving up and down at a faster pace.

"You should wait till she gets back," Zoro said, forcing himself o talk in a calm and slow tone. "I mean…you need to thank her…she did her best to fix up your frostbite. Just relax for now."

"I really need to go," Sanji said again. He stomped over to Zoro, his facial expression not changing despite the fact that he feet were red raw.

"I understand, but you can't just go out in your bare feet," Zoro said, crossing his arms, thinking of ways to make himself seem larger compared to the blonde. "Do you have somewhere you need to be?"

Sanji went silent again, lowering his head and, looking away from Zoro. He even went as far as taking a step back from Zoro.

Ok, now Zoro was getting desperate. Robin wouldn't tell him anything, and Sanji wouldn't tell him a damn thing either, and it was becoming more and more apparent that what he wasn't being told was something he ought to know.

Something that they didn't want him to know.

"What happened," Zoro asked.

"…"

"You're going to have to tell me something," Zoro said in an almost threatening tone. "That is…if you want to get whoever you want to go."

Sanji seemed a bit taken aback by this. But within moments of Zoro's remark, his expression eased a bit and Sanji went back to the same angered look it had been since realizing Zoro went through his belongings.

"And why should I tell you anything," he asked Zoro.

And Zoro felt pretty confident of himself once Sanji had asked this. In fact, a small part of him had hoped for Sanji to not cooperate just so he could answer the question. Because, being that Zoro was desperate for some light on the matter at hand, he figured complying with Sanji would get him the answers he wanted. And even though curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction supposedly brought it back to life, so Zoro figured that getting the answer he wanted, while offering up an ultimatum that may have unsettled Robin, he was sure things would work out to his advantage.

"I have a car," Zoro answered.

And like magic, Sanji's expression lifted quite a bit. He still has that exhausted, strained expression, but he no longer looked like he would strangle Zoro at any given moment. Still, the blonde was quiet, and he contemplated over whether or not to go ahead and explain to Zoro what was going on.

But Zoro wasn't afraid. He had a feeling Sanji wouldn't back away from tell him what was going on.

"…there…was an accident," Sanji said finally.

"Hmm?" Zoro asked. He stared carefully at Sanji, trying to get a better look at the blonde face. Aside from the half that was hidden behind blonde hair, the young man made it difficult to stare at him. Sanji kept his face away from Zoro's eyes, making it harder for him to figure if he was about to receive truth or lies.

"I had an accident…you saw," Sanji said, a finger pointing down to his bandaged feet. "And I need to hurry home," he then added.

"But how'd your feet get that way," Zoro continued to press on.

"Does that matter?" Sanji asked.

Zoro pointed at the blonde, arching forward a bit as he raised hi tone at Sanji.

"Yes, it does," he answered in a very rough tone, "I kind of need to know why you're so goddamn reluctant to go to a hospital…seeing that you are at serious risk of lowing your feet and all." He continued to stare hard at Sanji, watching as the blonde's expression become more and more worried by the second. "And why don't you have a phone on you? Or money? You expect me to believe that you decided to just take a stroll around in this winter? And when you arrived you didn't have your coat or shoes on…which means you took them off while you were outside at some point! Who the hell does that?"

Zoro took a deep breath after letting all his frustration out.

"…you can answer," he said finally, still trying to relax his breathing.

"You put a lot of thought into this," Sanji muttered in a hurt tone. His head was still lowered, and Zoro couldn't make out his hidden expression. "Didn't you?"

"I try to question the unusual," Zoro answered smartly. "And a guy with bloodied up feet, doing whatever he can to avoid help, isn't exactly normal."

"Right," Sanji said. "And going through someone's stuff is?"

Zoro didn't bother trying to defend himself. As far as he was concerned, he had every right to go through Sanji's belongings. He didn't know who the blonde was, didn't know why he was here, and not being told why gave him all the incentive he needed to check through.

"You're not going anywhere until you explain what's going on," Zoro said in a demanding tone. "And don't even bother trying to leave without your shoes…"

Sanji glared back.

"You'll attract attention from the cops just wandering around," Zoro said. He sat himself down on the couch, his eyes on the remote as he relaxed into the seat. "Of course, I'd call them myself…seeing that you're acting rather suspicious as it is." He rested his head on his arms as he congratulated himself on a job well done. He didn't have to look at Sanji to see that he was pissed and trapped in a corner. "So, either you stay and wait for Robin, who'll probably end up taking you to the hospital anyways, or you tell me what's going on, and I take you home or wherever you have to be-no questions asked from then on."

Zoro turned his head slightly and watched the blonde stare disdainfully at him.

He looked defeated.

Zoro looked over and stared at the blank television screen, pretending to not care that he was being a real asshole. He let his hand out and pointed over to the armchair, his eyes still locked on to the screen.

"Sit," Zoro said.

He heard Sanji slowly make a move, glimpsing, from the edge of his eyes, the blonde resting himself on the furniture. He could make out the sounds of the blonde's incoherent muttering, possible swears and comments about him and his attitude towards the situation.

Zoro continued to tell himself he didn't care. He probably wouldn't see Sanji again after today. Whatever impression he made wouldn't really affect him in the long run.

"So…" Zoro muttered.

"…yeah?"

"That accident," Zoro asked.

"What about it," Sanji asked defensively.

"Are you going to tell me what happened or not?" Zoro asked Sanji.

Sanji cupped his face as he lowered his head again.

"What happened," Zoro asked. He watched as Sanji's physical demeanor shrank, his body lurched over as he kept himself hidden from Zoro. It was just like before, when he had first set his eyes on the blonde.

"…I was drinking," Sanji said finally.

Zoro crept over a bit. He could hear Sanji just fine. However, he didn't believe it.

" _Just_ drinking?"

Sanji tilted his hidden face, making a small portion of it now visible.

"You expect me to believe everything that happened was a product of you getting drunk," Zoro said in an offended tone. "That doesn't explain anything."

"I wasn't just drinking," Sanji said.

Zoro's eyebrow lifted a bit.

"What else were you doing," he asked curiously. "Does it have to do with you not wanting to go to the hospital?"

"Yes," Sanji answered quickly.

"So…were you high or something, "Zoro asked.

"I didn't have anything on me," Sanji said. He lifted his right foot up and stared at it for a few moments. Zoro watched as a smile appeared on his face. "And why else would I just take off my shoes?"

Zoro's eyes widened in disbelief.

"I was drinking, I decided to take a little something more, since I didn't have much else to do," Sanji added. "I'm sure I must have had some good reason to take them off, along with my coat…I don't remember them now, but I'm sure it made some sort of sense then."

"And Robin found you?"

Sanji nodded his head.

"She knew there was something wrong," Sanji said. "She must have been watching me." His smile softened a bit. "It's nice to know that she was worried."

"You know," Zoro said, "I'm pretty sure the doctors would have been soft on you, if it was your first time getting caught." He sank in his seat, wondering whether it would be appropriate or not to ask what Sanji had taken.

It did make some sense. Aside from the cold, Sanji's pale skin may have had to do with whatever he took. And Robin had asked to watch over him if he fell asleep. She didn't know how much he had taken, be it drugs or alcohol, and it would be safe to make sure nothing happened while he was out. And even Sanji noted himself that everything about his current state-not having anything on him except for his keys-was a bit odd.

That, and Zoro was still having problems getting over the kiss. The idea of Sanji being buzzed helped ease the horror of it.

"Taking illegal drugs will get you into trouble," Sanji said. "No matter if it's your first or second. They'll make you go to rehab, or call the police…"

"So that's why you asked to not be taken there," Zoro muttered. "Even though your feet are freezing?"

"I'll deal with it," Sanji answered halfheartedly.

"Not sure if that's worth it or not," Zoro replied. "But, I guess I'm not the one who has to live with it."

"I need to go," Sanji then said, ignoring the latter part of Zoro's comment.

"What?"

"Home," Sanji said. He stood up from the armchair and folded his arms. "I need t pick up my roommate. He has work after school -"

"School? You're in high school," Zoro asked.

"No," Sanji answered. "The guy I live with, he's a friend, and he still goes to high school. I drop him off and pick him up after he's done with work." Sanji's face weakened a bit. "He'd…be worried if I wasn't there…"

Zoro could see the anguish in the blonde's eye. He looked sad.

He looked _really_ sad.

It was odd. Ok, there might have been guilt about what he had done, and the worry over his friend, but it seemed as though there were something more to it.

But Zoro could conclude that Sanji was serious about something; the blonde definitely wasn't faking this story. Or, at least, he wasn't lying about this part of the story.

"Ok," Zoro finally said.

Zoro got up from his seat and stretched himself out. He looked over to the kitchen, wondering whether he ought to give Sanji his shoes. They were still most likely wet, and the blood made them bad enough to where wearing them would definitely risk infection.

"What size shoe do you wear," he asked, still making his way to the kitchen. He walked over to the round kitchen table and grabbed hi neglected keys.

"You're taking me, right?" Sanji asked.

Wow. His tone was so much softer now.

Zoro resisted the urge to smile, merely nodded his head as he turned around and faced the blonde.

"Yeah," he said rather plainly.

* * *

For once, Zoro was glad that he had been given a GPS system for his birthday. At first he wanted to smash the thing into a billion little pieces, when he had unwrapped the present and stared at the picture on the box he almost went berserk. Yeah, he knew he wasn't the _best_ when it came to directions, but he certainly wasn't the _worst_ either, right?

That, and he knew Vivi had bought it with only the best intentions. He could never be mad at her, even if the gift was a mockery to his pride.

But today he was very grateful that he had the little device, so much that he didn't even have to force a smile on his face when he plugged it in to his car. And there were several reasons for this, since any other day, Zoro would have kept the thing hidden within the mess in his trunk.

One; Sanji lived a little more than an hour away, which meant it would be a long drive in this weather.

Two; it was snowing, and in the case that the traffic called for a change of route, he could rely on the device to pick the next quickest route.

Zoro looked over, giving a quick glance to the silent blonde that sat in the passenger seat. They had been on the road for less than twenty minutes, with Sanji pointing and remarking which way was quicker, when he suddenly went silent. Now, Zoro hadn't been relying on the GPS up until this moment. In fact, it had been in the trunk up until found himself forced to pull over and go through his trunk, pulling out the device and placing it within the confines of his car.

Which brought Zoro to three; Sanji had passed out due to exhaustion, making him unreliable.

Yeah, he had noticed that Sanji was going in and out of consciousness as he continued to drive on, and he had done nothing about it, seeing that Sanji appeared sober enough where sleeping wouldn't put him in any danger. Plus, the man looked tired as hell, and Zoro figured sleep would only help him.

So Vivi had done right…at least in this one and only situation. And Zoro would never tell her about it either, because he still didn't think it was that necessary. He knew his way home, even if it did take him three hours longer and a couple more galleons of gas.

Zoro sighed as he leaned in closer and squinted through the front window. The weather was getting pretty crappy. He couldn't see a damn thing in front of him, white snow aside. He had been driving on the surface streets the whole way, figuring it to be the safer option, and soon found that traffic was just as bad. He had no idea how close he was to the car in front of him, and he had no idea how close the car behind him was either. He could barely make out the red, green, and yellow behind the gray and white.

Zoro looked over to the clock and groaned.

Three thirty.

"Fuck it," he hissed through his teeth. Traffic wouldn't really settle now, being that everyone was going home, and it wasn't like Sanji had any right to complain.

Not that he could at the moment.

Zoro turned on his blinker and pulled himself out of the traffic. He'd park and wait it out a bit. Sanji had said his friend had a job after school. People get out school around three, so he had a few hours to kill before having to worry about it. He parked himself in front of a drug store, turned the heater on full blast, and took off his seat belt.

…

Zoro looked over and stared at the sleeping passenger next to him. Once again, Zoro couldn't help but notice how different Sanji's appearance was compared to what it had been when he had first seen him. Being asleep, the blonde appeared much softer, his face no longer showing off the tension it held while he was awake. It was nice.

So what had he seen, in the few hours he had known the guy? Sad, angry, pissed, desperate, frustrated, _almost_ happy…

Maybe he was bi-polar.

Back to staring.

By now, Zoro had come to terms with the fact that Sanji had most likely lied to him about the reason why he had been taken to Robin's house. Zoro knew better. Although certain points did add up, the fact was was that Zoro had to help create the story. He had asked questions that tied into the reasons why Sanji avoided the hospital, or why he didn't have anything on him, or whether it was risking having his feet lose all sensation. Zoro was sure that, if he hadn't asked Sanji a damn thing, the blonde would have stuttered throughout telling the story.

But why did Sanji have to lie? Even Sanji must have understood that they would never see each other after today. Sanji could have said anything, and Zoro was quite sure it wouldn't have affected him. He knew Robin, and if Robin had considered the ultimatums and come to the decision that brining him to her home was an option, then Zoro figured the same. He'd hate to admit that she may be right, but…well, yeah, she was probably right. And if Sanji could tell her a few secrets, then why not him? Was it because Robin was a woman, and therefore better capable of compassionate understanding?

But these questions did no good for Zoro. In the end, he came full circle, then asking himself this question; why does it matter? He's not your friend, he's barely an acquaintance, so why bother trying to get into his head and figure out more about him?

Zoro gave another glance at the clock, surprised to see that twenty minutes had quickly gone by since asking himself all those pointless questions.

He gave another glance to Sanji.

He seemed at peace. Yes, he definitely looked a lot nicer when he was asleep. If it weren't for the fact that Sanji had left such a "wonderful" first impression, that being making out with Robin, Zoro say that Sanji almost looked cute. Almost.

Zoro grit his teeth at the god awful thought.

Zoro leered into the window and groaned. He pressed the lock on the key and went outside, braving the harsh cold winds as he made an attempt to take in a breath of fresh air. He stared into the car and closed it, making sure the door was still unlocked.

He'd go inside and get some food, or look around…or just not be near Sanji until the thought died out.

Then again, maybe he really did despise the blonde that much.

Zoro looked inside the car, making sure the sleeping figure was still asleep, and then proceeded to walk into the store.

He cared about his friends though, that much Zoro did know. That look of guilt Sanji had produced was real.

Why was he still thinking about this?

Zoro blushed and hurried over to the aisles.

And it wasn't like he wanted to be friends with Sanji either.

No, no he didn't.

* * *

_He was in his room._

_Sanji rubbed his eyes, his body sitting upon his messy, disheveled bed, having just woken up. He looked around the room once more. He recognized the posters, the clothes, the shelves full of familiar, personal items, as his own. This was definitely his room._

_A dream?_

_Sanji lifted the blanket that had been covering his lower half, tossing it aside as he stood up, looking around the messy room. His bare feet could feel the carpet flooring, tingling a bit from the sudden sensation. But it didn't hurt. Sanji looked down, lifting a foot up and staring at the sole._

_There were no freezer burns on his sole. He wiggled his toes, staring at the pink being produced by his muscles and blood._

_Was it a dream, everything that he had happened?_

_Sanji sat himself on the bed, staring down at the floor. He could hear the sounds of the cars passing by from his window. He looked over and stared at the closed blinds, noticing that light cracked in between each and every one._

_How long had he been asleep?_

_Sanji jumped from the bed and walked over to the window, his fingers going in between two blinds as he checked to see what was going on outside._

_It could have been a dream. He could have fallen asleep right after the debating what he would do. Thoughts of suicide often lead to dreams about suicide, right? Did it work that way? Or was it all just one continuous dream?_

_He squinted his eyes as light beamed down on him, causing him to let the blinds go._

_It had to be at least noon._

_Sanji pulled away from the window, walking over to the drawer._

_If it was just a dream after the other, then what did that mean? It certainly wasn't a horrible dream. It was emotional, it was emotionally painful, but it was physically painful. He didn't end up with broken bones, burning; fall apart, or, most importantly, dead._

_He lived._

_Sanji pulled out a plain shirt as he continued to try to remember everything._

_The death…_

_He was going to kill himself. He was going to numb himself up, and have himself drown. He was going to sink and disappear and cause so much pain._

_What about Usopp? You had mentioned it yourself to that one guy…Zoro?_

_Even Sanji had thought about it. He knew that killing himself was going to bring such misery to his friends, once they realized he was gone and never coming back._

_But at the same time, there was that consoling feeling that he remembered, that sensation that killing himself was going to make thing better. He really had thought that. He remembered feeling so good about it too, once he came to that conclusion._

_It was all so confusing, so complex and conflicting. All of those different thoughts and emotions, mixing around him…and then he was trying to keep silent about what he had tried to do._

_Scared…that was another one. He was so afraid of being caught. He was so afraid of them knowing._

_It was more than just guilt…he knew what he was doing was messed up from the beginning. That's why Robin had kept him in the house under Zoro's supervision._

_She was so kind…she had to be a figment of his imagination._

_And Zoro…he was fake too._

_They both were._

_Sanji frowned as he fished for a clean pair jeans. Really, this was the first time he had dreamt up new beings. Before, when he had regular dreams full of the usual strange and unexplainable, he would come up with characters, usually with no names or with generic personalities…but these two were different. The people in his current dreams were part of the scenery, never paying attention to him, even when the most horrible acts were committed. Robin and Zoro had names, had their personalities, performed actions, and interacted with him._

_They…couldn't be simple constructions of his imagination. Right after dreaming up his friends, he goes and creates people? That didn't make any sense._

_Sanji stopped what he was doing, dropping the clothes and standing up, his arms crossing and his expression darkening._

_Fuck, he was dreaming._

_And just as he thought this, the energetic sound of pop music filled the room. Sanji turned himself around, looking over to where the bed was, and where the source of music was coming from._

_He walked over, getting down on his knees once he meet with the side of the bed. He didn't need to think twice about what he would discover as he stretched his arm out and began to feel around the bed. He let his hand trace the floor, and soon his fingers met with the smooth plastic covering. Sanji bit his lip as he felt his hand wrap around it and began pulling it closer to him. He moved a bit as he pulled his arm out, the music soon ending as his eyes met with his cell phone._

_He had one missed call._

_It was real. It was all real. Everything he had done. Everything he attempted to do. He had really almost jumped off a bridge. He had really almost killed himself._

_"What kind of dream is this," Sanji asked, placing his free hand on his chest. He held in the urge to break into a sob, to fall apart. He knew better._

_But this wasn't the usually pattern._

_Sanji looked around his room, expecting something to happen. He knew he was dreaming now, which meant the dream had to end soon. He was still completely intact. Sanji knew it wouldn't end like this; he never let himself end like this._

_"A nightmare," he yelled. He forced himself up and stared angrily at the ceiling. "Or am I just gonna die? Make up my fucking mind already!" He stomped on the floor, his teeth clenched together as he griped tightly to his phone._

_"Or does it not matter anymore," he asked himself. "I'm dying inside…right now. And I'm pretty sure, once I wake up; I'm going to finish what I started." He looked down at his hands. "No point in telling myself what to do anymore." His voice was dark, too full of anger and spite to be full of sobs and pain._

_Sanji threw the phone against the wall, watching the bright screen snap and go dark._

_"It's not fair…"_

_Sanji's eyes widened in surprise. He turned himself around, hearing the sounds of whispers and weak cries, and stared shockingly at the figures that had appeared out of nowhere, standing before him in his room._

_"Luffy…" Sanji watched as he stared at the tall, slim figure standing in the middle of the room. The boy was dressed rather plainly, his face up as he stared out into space, while his arms held on to the frail figure that was crying into his chest. Her long hair was a bit messy as she clung on to her friend with one hand, the other covering her chest, sobbing uncontrollably into his chest, while her boyfriend leaned against the wall, his face stained with tears as he tried to keep himself from falling._

_"Usopp…Kaya," Sanji muttered._

_"What did I do," Kaya wept, her face hidden from Sanji's. "Why couldn't he tell me anything? Was it something I said to him? I thought we were ok…" Kaya hiccupped into Luffy's chest, burying her face even deeper. "I would've listened to him."_

_"Kaya," Sanji said, in a slightly louder tone. He reached out for her, forgetting for those few seconds that this was all a dream. She looked so real. He wanted to console her. He couldn't stand seeing her cry, especially with him being the cause._

_"H-he…he just can't be gone!" Sanji heard Usopp say from the side. He closed his eyes, trying his best to funnel out the sounds of Usopp's loud sobs. "Sanji…Sanji…you can't be gone!" Sanji held on to himself as he heard the body fall to the ground with a thud, followed by the sound of fists hitting the ground._

_"It's not fair," Usopp cried. Sanji kept his eyes closed tight. "Why would he…it's…it's not fair!"_

_Sanji held his breath as he began to leave his room. He still kept his eyes closed, knowing his way out of his room._

_"Sanji…"_

_He let his hand out as he felt for the door knob._

_"Sanji…why?"_

_Shut up. Just shut up. You're not real._

_"Sanji!"_

_Sanji opened the door, making a mad dash out of his room. He felt his eyes burn, his chest fill up with weight, causing him to stop at the very end of the hall and lean pathetically against the wall. He took a small breath, keeping himself from crying._

_This wasn't real. You don't know what would have happened._

_Sanji let a hand cover his face as he tried to calm himself down. He knew the dream couldn't last much longer. He knew it wasn't real now…he'd end it sooner or later._

_"…I'm so sorry…"_

_Sanji lifted his head, hearing a familiar soft tone in front of him. He opened his eyes, staring at the two new figures in front of him. Two women…both dressed in dark clothing._

_Sanji grimaced as his eyes laid on the first._

_Nami._

_"I…I can't imagine how you must be feeling," Nami said, her hand caressing the shoulder of the other. "Losing your brother…it must be really hard." She bit her upper lip as she let a few tears run down her face. "I'm really s-sorry for your loss."_

_Sanji turned over and stated at the older blonde, her face covered with one of her hands, the other holding her stained glasses. He could make out a bit of her face. He wished he couldn't._

_What makes you think Kalifa would fly all the way here? She can't stand you!_

_"Kalifa," Sanji said weakly._

_Don't cry._

_Please don't cry._

_"Nami…"_

_Please, no more…_

_Why couldn't he ever get the peace that he wanted? Why did he always have to suffer?_

_Why is it that, even when he isn't dying, he has to watch his own friends die a little in front of him?_

_Why can't he just get what he wanted, for once?_

_"Just fucking end," Sanji cried. "I don't care! I don't care about how they feel, or what they'll do! I don't! I don't! Just end already. End! End! End-"_

_Wake up._

_"…wake up…"_

* * *

"Wake up!"

Sanji's eyes burst open. He frantically looked up; staring at Zoro's panicked expression. Sanji breathed hard, his chest heaving up and down, his body shaking and soaked in sweat. Everything looked blurry, and everything literally felt like shit. It really did. Sanji felt his stomach violently twist in him, causing his mouth to dry up and go sour on him. Without much thought, he pushed Zoro away from him, his hand grabbing at the door handle as he felt his stomach lurch and perform flips. Luckily the car was parked, and the door was open, giving Sanji the capability of" letting it all out".

His hand clung on to the edge of the car seat as he kept his head lowered. He huffed a bit, spitting out the remains of his "duty" in a poor attempt to rid of the taste. Unfortunately for him, the one expulsion was not enough. His eyes widened for a moment as he felt more rise up, and he closed his eyes tight as he continued to relieve himself on the pavement. A hand rested on him, lightly rubbing his back. No, awkwardly was better fitted for it. He was sure Zoro was panicking right now.

He did feel better after this one. He was sure nothing would follow now, seeing that everything was literally now on the cement pavement. Sanji blinked a few times, his eyes watery from the experience, and slowly lifted his head. Everything still spun around in circles, and now it smelled like bile.

"Are you ok! ?"

Sanji looked over and stared blankly at Zoro.

"Holy shit…" Zoro shook his head in disbelief. "You look like crap…"

Sanji closed his eyes.

Everything was real. You really did attempt a suicide today. You really did make out with the woman who stopped you from doing so. You really might lose your feet. And you really did throw up all over the sidewalk…and a bit of the bottom flooring of this guy's car. Cheers Monday, cheers.

Sanji would have laughed at the very end of the thought were it not for the fact that he felt like he had been hit by a car.

He sank into the car seat, his hand covering his mouth as he stared into the darkness.

"What time is it," Sanji muttered through his hand.

"Six," Zoro answered.

"Six?" Sanji looked at Zoro with an estranged expression. "Why six?"

"Bad traffic," Zoro responded. "I had to pull out and wait till about four-something, and then I made my way to hear…even then, everything was so jammed up." Zoro leaned to the side to get a glimpse pf the mess Sanji had made. "…bad weather…are you going to be ok?"

Sanji weakly gave a nod as he continued to stare out.

"Where are we?"

"Hopefully, across the street from your place," Zoro answered. "You live in an apartment complex, right?"

Sanji nodded his head.

"Good, then we're here," Zoro said, opening the door and getting out from the car.

Sanji sat in the car seat, still in a semi daze. He closed his mouth, despite the taste, and looked around the car, out the windows, all over. His body was still shaky. He couldn't feel a damn thing right now. He heard the sound of Zoro's footsteps to his side and looked up to see the man offering a hand.

"Come on," Zoro said in an annoyed tone.

Sanji leered down at the sidewalk. He looked back up, a hand unbuckling the seat belt, his other hand outstretched to Zoro's, and grabbing hold of it. He felt himself being pulled up, and Sanji let one of his long legs reach out as far as possible as to avoid the mess. Zoro pulled him in closer, and Sanji soon found himself, though just barely, standing up. He breathed hard-his other hand still covering his mouth-and inhaled the ice cold air. He could see a few mounds of snow surrounding the area; the whole rooftop of his apartment was covered in snow. There were no more harsh winds. Everything was rather peaceful.

Sanji glanced at his side, nearly jumping back a bit when he realized how close Zoro and him were. He wasn't in the mood for surprises. Not now. Not anymore. He took a few steps toward the complex, stopping as his feet meet with the dark, wet asphalt.

"Thanks," Sanji finally said as he looked up at the huge building.

His eyes landed on the second floor, seeing the dark windows that told him he was still safe. Kaya's parents would most likely drive him home in this weather. He knew he didn't have much to himself now.

"Do you need help getting over there," he heard Zoro ask.

Sanji shook his head.

"I can get there myself," Sanji replied. "You want me to return your shoes, right?"

There was a modest pause before Zoro finally answered, "I really don't care…you can keep them. It's not like you'll be getting your old shoes back."

"Right," Sanji said with a weak chuckle.

He looked over and stared at Zoro, trying to make out the other's expression in the dark.

Zoro looked so worried. It was strange. He was sure Zoro hated him. He was sure the guy couldn't stand him. He had made him wriggle underneath him when he forced him to confess what had happened, and although Sanji had lied though his teeth, had thought bitter thoughts about him, he felt a bit guilty. Sanji really hoped Zoro was only upset because of the whole vomiting thing. He didn't want to think that Zoro might have actually cared.

And then there was Robin too.

Robin had tried to save his life. Even though it made no real difference, her act made him feel really happy. She didn't know him, and she had no real obligation to help him out and risk getting herself late to work, just as Zoro had no real obligation to miss his classes just to watch over him. Why did she have to care so much? Why did she have to be so kind? Why did they have to care at all about him, even if it was only a little?

"Sanji?"

"Yeah, Zoro?" Sanji asked.

Zoro sighed, his face heavy with doubt.

"Take care of yourself, ok?" Zoro said to the blonde. He closed the door and walked over to the driver's side, his eyes still leering at Sanji. "Don't…just be careful."

Sanji didn't reply, only staring as the young man got into the car, closed the door, and turned the engine back on. He made sure to not move, not until he saw Zoro change gears and begin to drive off. Only then did Sanji begin to cross the empty street and make his way to the huge building. By the time he was on the other side of the street Zoro had driven off, making a turn and disappearing from sight. Sanji stopped where he was then, his head lowered and staring down.

He wiggled his toes.

Nothing.

He stomped down on the floor with his right foot.

Nothing.

The left.

Nothing.

He scrunched his feet together, tightening the muscles for a few seconds before giving up and releasing them.

Nothing, he had absolutely no sensation. He could still move his toes, and work his feet, but his nerves were damaged.

And Sanji felt nothing. He knew he was supposed to be upset. But he couldn't.

He just…couldn't.

For all he knew, this could be a dream as well.

* * *

Zoro decided to drive straight to the dorms, rather than risk meeting up with Robin. He knew she would be upset. She had asked him to watch over Sanji and make sure he was properly healing, and instead he drove the guy home.

He would have to avoid the west campus with all his might for the next month or so.

In the end, Zoro had no real idea what he had just done. And perhaps that was for the best. Sanji didn't want help, nor did he ask for it. Sanji didn't want to talk about where he came from, and he didn't want to create bonds by talking about it either.

The man was an anomaly. Simple as that and very complicated. Zoro couldn't expect anything from the man, and now he would never have to. He was gone from his life, and Zoro could continue on without ever thinking about him again.

That being said, Zoro was already making plans for what he would have to do once he got back in his room. He had missed all his Monday classes, all three in total, and one of them being the class he was very close to having to repeat. He would have to study his ass off tomorrow. Thank goodness he only had Japanese to worry about, and that was early in the morning. He'd hurry and do his work, and then read through everything in hopes of catching up.

If he crammed for the next week, hopefully he'd get a decent enough grade on his next test.

Zoro smiled, finding his rather poorly constructed plan a shoo-in for at least a "C" in Chemistry. He continued to drive on, making the ever occasional glances as he tried to maneuver his way through the dark streets.

Winter, how it made things to difficult for him. Zoro looked over to his side mirror to check to see if there was anything behind him, hoping he could slow his speed down a bit considering he could barely see a thing in front of him.

And then he noticed the small, folded paper on the edge of the seat.

Zoro stared down, which probably wasn't the safest thing to do while driving, and stared at the small folded paper. He hadn't really noticed it before, not all this time.

Right from the bat though, Zoro knew it wasn't his. He would never use a thick sharpie marker to write down notes.

The paper was just…stained. Most of the black ink had soaked thought the folded sheets, and the wet weather caused it to smudge a bit from the looks of it. Of course Zoro didn't care. All he cared about was the fact that he had gone through Sanji's coat and had only come across the man's keys.

And now he had a little note.

Even though the chances of it explaining to Zoro were horrendously thing, he wanted to know what the note contained. He figured anything would satisfy.

Keeping his eyes on the road, Zoro leaned over and made a quick grab for the note. It took a few attempts, but he had it in his grasp.

Zoro kept on driving, once in a while making a glance as he tried to unfold the paper with his right hand. He managed to bring it to where it was only folded in half, but was having a rather difficult time getting it open all the way.

He ended up parking.

Zoro unfolded it, staring at the messy, smudged writing on the sheet of paper. From what he cold see, there were a few readable lines; everything else was beyond the point of literacy. He let the paper closer to his face, squinting as he tried to make out each sentence.

…

H…a…te…m…e…if…y…o…u…w…ill…

"Hate me if you will," Zoro muttered. He reread the few words over and over again, a daunting feeling creeping over him as he realized those were the words that had been written down. He tried to make out the words following it, but found it too difficult to do. He groaned and skidded through the letter, hoping to find another par that he could make out.

Y…o…u…don't….h…a…v…e…t…o…f…o…r…give….

What exactly was being written down?

Zoro had a feeling, but he refused to believe it.

_I know this makes little sense. I've never mentioned ever having a problem, never in front of you._

Shit! Why didn't he listen to Robin? Why'd he have to go and drive Sanji back?

_Hate me if you will, as you have more than any right to._

And he left Sanji alone! Dear God, he left the guy alone!

_You don't have to forgive me, and I understand if you never do._

He left him alone to die!

_Just promise me…_

"Damn it!" Zoro hit the steering wheel, his body arching as he tossed the note away from him with his right hand. He didn't want to look at it.

…

Zoro lifted his head as he heard his phone call out to him. He felt guilt build up in his chest as he recognized the soft tone. Robin was calling him. Of course she was. Zoro hesitantly grabbed his phone from the drink holder and stared at the screen. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. What could he say? That he was being an idiot and decided to take Sanji home because he felt bad for him? That he didn't know that watching over him could be the difference between life and death? How was he supposed t know that? She never told him!

He felt awful. No, that wasn't even a faction of how bad Zoro felt.

He couldn't go back…chances were Sanji was long gone. Even if he was still _alive,_ he doubted he would find the blonde sitting in his apartment…he didn't even know which one Sanji lived in!

Nevertheless, Zoro pressed the call button and placed the phone up to his ears.

"Robin," he murmured weakly.


	5. The Day

Zoro was an atheist.

Now, it wasn't some sort of revelation that had brought Zoro to the conclusion that he was merely a product of simple biology, and that his purpose in life was just to live and ensure the survival oh his species. No, Zoro had always questioned the existence of the supernatural, and as he got older, and as the internet improved in speed and information, he was able to come to the decision, over a steady period of time, that there was no God, heaven, hell, or devil.

That being said, there was no such thing as sin. There were no real acts of good, only acts with good intention.

And since there was no sin, and there was no heaven or hell, that only meant that once life was over, it was over. There was no life after death, and living a good life didn't mean you would be rewarded, nor did being an asshole your whole life mean you would be eternally punished.

So what was suicide to Zoro?

Well, for the most part, it was the end. It was the end to everything. But unlike death, it was and end that was preventable, and end that shouldn't have had to come. It was something that needed to be stopped, simply because of what it was. No human should want to die. Life was something to strive for, and in the case where death seemed inevitable, it was within the human nature to want to stop it. Suicide meant killing yourself, which meant a hastened end of consciousness. And although Zoro didn't believe in the life after death factor, he did believe that ending your life was something that should never be performed. He didn't think that there would be someone waiting for you on the other side to punish you, because there wasn't, but he did believe that suicide was a horrendous act. No, not completely horrendous; more like an act of selfishness. Zoro had heard stories of survivors, and most of them had said that they all regretted what they had done.

So….when it got down to it, Suicide was bad because it was the biggest waste of time. A little effort could bring a huge change in one's life. If you shoot yourself in the head you basically told everyone you were too lazy to rely to fix yourself up, too weak and uncertain to ask for help, and so selfish that you decided to go and end it all without thinking about the pain it would bring upon later.

Like now.

He was in class. Zoro was seated near the end of the lecture hall, his hands cupped together with his index finger tapping against the side of his nose. He was just waiting, waiting for the class to end as he pondered over the events that had taken place last night.

All Zoro could think about was how bad he had screwed up last night. His mind lingered on the image of Robin's disappointed face as he walked into the living room, his face lowered and solemn in defeat from having learned why he should have just listened to her. And what made it worse was that he never said a damn thing. He couldn't. He just sat himself down on the couch and stared out into space as vivid images of death rolled around in his head. All he could think about was how he let Sanji go out into the darkness. He had heard words come from Robin, though it was discombobulated and vague, and he could remember how upset she was, moving around the room in a frantic pace.

_"Couldn't we call the police?" Zoro had asked Robin after everything had finally sunk in._

_"And tell them what," Robin answered. "We know nothing about him, Zoro. We have no leads as to where he might be, or where he came from."_

_Zoro bit his lip as he let his hands rub against the small note he had brought with him. As painful as it was to have it with him, Zoro found himself incapable of tossing it away. The idea that Sanji could be dead, and that his last words were, despite being smudged, in his hands, made it difficult to simply throw it away. After all, what about his relatives? His friends? Surely this note would mean something to them?_

_"I brought him to his apartment complex," Zoro said weakly. "We could always start there…"_

_"And how do you know that is his real address," Robin asked._

_"It exists, doesn't it?" Zoro remarked angrily._

_"And what will we do once we get there," Robin then asked Zoro. "You can't get in without keys, and even if we managed to get in the complex, what will we do? Go door to door?"_

_"He mentioned having a friend," Zoro muttered. "I mean, it's a long shot-"_

_"A very long shot," Robin said. She closed her eyes, a hand covering them as she gave a long frustrated sigh. "Look, Zoro, I understand that you want to find him and make things all better, especially for your own conscious."_

_Zoro grumbled miserably to himself at the last comment._

_"But we don't even know if that was his real address," Robin continued. "It could be a friend's or a relatives' address. And if it was his actual address, do you think he would answer? Do you think he's even…?"_

_"Alive?" Zoro spat. He stared bitterly at Robin. "No…I'm not sure…I want him to be." He cupped his hand together as he desperately tried to remain calm. "He needs to be…he just can't go and kill himself…"_

_"Zoro," Robin said. Her voice was a bit softer than usual. Zoro felt her sit beside him as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "This is why you ought not to have gotten involved. It hurts knowing you may be responsible for something you had no control over…"_

_"Why didn't you take him to the hospital?" Zoro asked. "Why? We wouldn't have had to deal with this…"_

_Robin sighed._

_"But you had tome to make out with him," Zoro hissed between his teeth._

_"Zoro…"_

"Things are never that simple," Zoro remarked as he stared blankly into space. He could hear the sounds of his professor talking, the sounds of Tashigi and Vivi talking to one another as they took their notes, but nothing really sank in.

He had to think of something. A plan. He needed to go back to the complex and find out where Sanji was.

Sanji had to be alive. He couldn't have just gone on and killed himself, not after all of that. Zoro wished he had a valid reason behind this thought; anything to give him the security he needed in order to rightfully say that the drive back over wouldn't be a waste of time. He wanted to believe that after failing the first time, you would at least wait a bit before attempting the second try. Right?

Zoro looked over and stared nervously at Vivi and Tashigi. Neither of them noticed his staring, and they went on taking notes.

It would be wrong to ask them, Zoro thought to himself as he lowered his gaze. The worst thing he could do was bring them into this situation. It was better they didn't know. Even asking advice from them right now, no matter how hypothetical he made it sound, would raise suspicion.

This meant he would literally have to go door to door and pray he found some sort of clue.

Of course this was a stupid plan, if you could even call it a plan. Unless Zoro could locate the property manager right off the bat, he would end up wasting precious time knocking on every stinking door in the areas until he came up with a lead. And what was he supposed to ask? He only knew Sanji's first name, as well as a physical description. No last name meant there would be questions asked. Zoro was sure there would be a listing of everyone's names…hopefully he would find Sanji's full name on there.

"Zoro…"

Zoro felt a finger tap on his shoulder. He looked up and stared directly into Vivi's concerned look. Tashigi was standing right next to her.

Zoro made a small frown and awkwardly looked around the lecture hall. He could see a few students leaving the room, and a few still seated, but for the most part the class was empty.

"…"

"Zoro," Vivi said in a somewhat concerned tone, "were you paying attention to anything that happened in class today?"

"…"

"This is why you're failing," Tashigi said with a slight roll of the eyes.

* * *

He never fell asleep.

Sanji stared at the clock from his bed, his body curled up and his arms wrapped around him as he slowly breathed in and out. He dared not close his eyes as he watched time roll on by, as he had been since walking into his room.

This is it, Sanji thought bitterly to himself as he coughed. He could feel his heart beat rapidly, despite the exhaustion, and his body shiver and twitch as he did everything in his power to stay awake. Every part of him ached and begged for him to close his eyes and rest, even for just a little. Sanji refused to give in to demand, forcing himself to stay awake by breathing hard or inflicting a bit of pain to himself.

He didn't want to fall asleep. He was too sick and tired, and just didn't want to deal with anymore of it. Last night had been the last straw, with him dreaming of his friends suffering.

Sanji didn't want to have to deal with re-envisioning it all over again.

And for a good reason too.

He still wanted it, more than ever now.

All hoped and dreams of things getting better were gone. Dead. There was absolutely no urge for him to try to better himself. Not even after witnessing his friends crying and mourning his death did Sanji feel responsible for trying to approach them and ask for their support.

He was miserable.

Sanji lowered his gaze and stared at the sharp kitchen knife that lay on the floor. It was normally used to cut meat. Conis had bought him a small collection of new utensils, a gift he had received right after moving in to this apartment. She figured it would help him be one step closer toward his goal.

_His goal_.

And now it was lying on the floor, having almost being used to do something absolutely terrifying.

What was wrong with him? Why on earth had he almost..? With one of his knifes?

Of course, he might as well just have asked himself why he would jump off a bridge. There was no real difference between the two actions. He only considered slitting his wrists worse because he saw the knife as a gift, as well as a reminder that he once had morals and dreams. And almost pressing it against his skin, running down is arms and slashing open his wrists just offended him beyond all recognition. Jumping off a bridge wasn't something he could possibly familiarize with; it made the deed easier to commit to. He had stopped himself from slitting his wrists, but he wouldn't have stopped himself from jumping, no, he would have let himself jump and fade away.

Not that it mattered at this point. He was still alive.

_Alive_.

And why wasn't he happy?

People wanted him to live, that was obvious, wasn't it? Robin had saved his life, hadn't she? She wanted him to live, that's why she stopped him and pulled him away from the edge.

Zoro seemed to have been afraid as well.

But what did he know?

No, he wasn't the same as Robin. There was hardly any emotional attachment to the younger man. He wasn't like Robin at all. She knew, she cared, and she wanted him to be ok…all Zoro wanted was some answers. But Sanji couldn't blame him. He kept quiet and lied his way through the day just so he could get out of the house. And he had begged Robin to not say a word about what she had seen, so he couldn't blame Zoro for wanting to know what was going on.

Sanji went back to staring at the alarm clock.

What was he going to do now?

Sanji could come to the conclusion that lying in his bed would get him nowhere. Eventually he would have to deal with the real world sooner or later. He was lucky enough to not have been bothered by Usopp. The boy had even took the liberty of quietly entering, and in the morning, leaving the apartment without making much of a racket. Sanji would have thanked him for his concern, were it not for the fact that Sanji didn't actually have a midterm today, and the fact that he had no will to even face Usopp.

Sanji blinked, his eyes watery from staring out so long, as well as the emotional stress building inside of him.

He needed to think of something, he couldn't just lie in bed all day. Nami would be coming over soon, and he couldn't bear the thought of her witnessing him in this sorry state. No, he needed to get up now, and figure out what he would do the rest of the day. If he was going to wait till tomorrow, then he would force a smile on his face and go about as if nothing happened. Nami could only visit once a week, so he might as well make her last visit with him worthwhile and lovely as ever.

With that, Sanji pulled himself up from the bed, his hand covering his face as he wiped away the tears that had clung on to his face. He took a deep breath, choking a bit through the small sobs as he held in the pain that was burning inside of him.

Today would be a nice day…he would smile and greet Nami and treat her to some fresh snacks, and he'd listen to her and give her all the attention she could possibly ask for. He'd make sure this day stood out, but not too much; just enough to make her feel more welcome, to make this day stand out a bit more than the rest. He didn't want her to worry about him.

Sanji bit his lip as he put a smile on his face. He exhaled deeply, letting the remaining tears run down his face before walking over to his drawers.

He had a lot to do today…good thing he didn't bother going to his classes…

Normally he'd ready for Nami's arrival the night before. Sanji couldn't help but want to impress her. Today he'd have to hurry and go the extra step to show her a good time. He was so far behind. There was so much he needed to do…

Sanji pulled out some clean clothed and made his way to the door, still thinking to himself as he tried to distract himself from the misery that he had previously enveloped himself in. He knew he could do this. He could burry everything he had felt and make it seem as though nothing were wrong. Sanji made his way into the restroom, flicking the light on and closing the door behind him. He walked over to the tub and turned on the shower, pulling the curtains over and then began undressing himself.

He was thinning out. Sanji let his fingers go down the row of visible ribs, feeling each and every prominent bone. He knew it was all the stress. He was too depressed to feel hunger. He was too sick to want to eat. And what little he did eat was hurriedly burned off in his overreacting stomach, thrown up, or just didn't do enough.

He was becoming malnourished…

…

Sanji closed his eyes as hot water ran down his face and body. He lifted his left foot and waited for a small puddle to form before setting it back down.

Some sensation…

He did the same with his right, lifting a bit longer in anticipation.

Nothing.

Sanji grit his teeth together and leaned against the bathroom wall.

It was all coming back to him. He could remember the icy-hotness that his wet, cold skin had felt when pressed against the frozen pavement. It had stuck to the floor. It was glued. And then it was ripped off. His skin was torn and ripped and red raw flesh had been exposed to the frosty air. It had hurt. It had hurt like hell. And then to have the warm air from Robin's car hit his bleeding skin, it was like torture. His nerves burned in agony and the pain drove up his spine and spread all over. And it just got worse.

And now he couldn't feel anything. He could feel the hot water hitting him, run down his body, but it all ended past his ankles. It wasn't as though he was walking on air, or that he didn't even feel the presence of walking at all, but it was a strange sensation. He felt some pressure, mainly his left side, and somehow he knew when his feet were on something, though Sanji wasn't sure if it was his mind creating this or not.

Sanji wasn't sure of a lot of things.

* * *

It was eleven.

Sanji played with his keys, wondering whether he should go outside. It wasn't snowing, thank goodness, though the sounds of raindrops were not much promising.

It was just as cloudy as before. Sanji couldn't see the sun behind the huge cloud formations in the sky, and it bothered him. It made him depressed. Why in the hell couldn't it be sunny? Why couldn't today look perfect and beautiful? Nami was coming over, and it would be their last time together, and he really wished the weather would be better than this.

Sanji sighed as he grabbed the small box of cigarettes, yanking a stick out and throwing the box down on the drawer.

* * *

It's going to be noon soon.

Sanji stared pathetically at his bed as he pondered over his room.

Everything was so clean and nice looking. Anything that had been out of order, anything that stood out in the slightest, had been put in its proper place. All his clothes were either put away or placed in the hamper, his books and any other school things were stashed in his closet, and all his trinkets were organized.

It looked so damn suspicious.

Aside from his suits, which always hung in the closet, his room was never perfect. He couldn't help it. Sanji had school, a job, things to do, and it was only natural his room would get a little messy as he dropped things off or had to hurry and change into something nicer or get ready for work. Things would collect, but Sanji would usually do his part and make sure things never got too messy. He liked to keep things nice, and even though his current lifestyle tried to make it impossible, Sanji cleaned his room, as well as the whole apartment, and made sure it was more than just livable.

But this was unusual. Everything was in order. His room hadn't looked this good since he had first moved in and had Conis help organize everything.

…don't let Nami into your room.

* * *

Zoro let his fingers tap on the call box as he stared at the long list of _last names_.

Really, what the fuck?

Zoro really had been hoping for full names. Instead, all he got was the number to the apartment and the last name, the only exception being the property manager. A few of the apartments had more than one name attached, but it wasn't enough for Zoro to decide that he would start his search on those first.

First of all, he needed a way to just get in.

Aside from the front doors, which needed a key, there was the front gate, and that opened through, based upon it's appearance, a device of some sorts. He could either wait for a person to walk through the front doors, wait for a car to use the gate, or just jump the gate and hope no one would see him.

Zoro pulled out his cell and gave a bleak stare at the time.

It was almost one in the afternoon.

How long had he stood in front of the call box? Better yet, how much time was he going to waste before getting a move on?

Sadly, there was an answer to the first question. It was one hour and twelve minutes.

"This is stupid," Zoro said as he shoved his cell deep into his jacket. And it was. He was standing outside, barely covered from the rain, and it was getting colder by the minute. And, for all he knew, he was wasting his time. Maybe Sanji decided to go into his apartment and rest. Maybe he told his friends about the attempted suicide and maybe he was getting the help he needed right now. Even better, maybe Sanji was at the hospital getting his feet checked, and he was getting help from the doctors and other professionals there.

Zoro let his head hit the wall as he muttered a few swears to himself. Yes, this was most definitely stupid. All of it, including the pretty thoughts running about in his head.

Maybe Sanji was just _fine_ …

Zoro lifted his hand, his fingers brushing against the worn out note that had also been crammed in his pocket. The vivid image of those hurtful words filled his mind as he realized he still had the note with him. That very, very serious note.

And maybe Zoro needed to get out of denial!

Sanji was probably dead. He was dead and it was Zoro's fault for being an idiot and not listening to what he was told to do. Fuck, even if he did find his apartment, chances were he'd only be welcomed by upset friends or police. And what would he do then?

"This was a bad idea," Zoro said as he backed away from the call box. He looked over across the street and stared at his car, wondering perhaps if he just ought to go back to his dorm room and pretend none of this ever happened. Robin had told him he was better of forgetting them man, since thinking more and more about it would only make him feel guilty for something he couldn't possible prevent.

And he felt so very guilty right now.

It was just so damn strange. Zoro sighed as he walked into the rain, making his way back into the car. Why on earth did he care so much for something so unusual? He closed his eyes. He felt sorry for him, angry, that's for sure.

No, it was more than that.

Zoro lifted his hand, which help on to his car keys, and pressed the button a few times, earning a click and a flash from his car. He took several more steps, pausing in between to avoid the traffic, and finally stopped in front of the door. Zoro gave one final look at the two story building before bitterly opening the door to his car.

Pissed. He was so damn pissed because a part of him did fucking care for the guy. And it upset him that he couldn't get a straight answer from Sanji in the first place? And why bother hiding it, right? Sanji might as well have told him…if he was going to kill himself anyways, then there was no point in trying to hide it. Or why not tell a complete stranger because you have nothing to worry about? Zoro didn't know why Sanji was fucking depressed in the head, or just emo, or whatever it was, but he would have listened. Was it because Robin was pretty or a woman that Sanji went on and emoted to her, and kept everything away from him?

Fuck.

Fuck Sanji, he can go rot in hell or where ever the hell people went where they died. Nowhere.

And as Zoro was about to turn away and get into his car, his future destination being the warmth of his small, shared room, he lowered his gaze and met with pale, startled eyes.

Far, far away eyes…that were located across the street.

Zoro froze in place as he stared over at Sanji, who was just outside the property. The blonde was wearing the same coat, though this time he was dressed a bit more heavy, making him better suited for the weather. The umbrella in his hand was drooping a bit, probably from shock, and the cigarette lying on the wet floor was barely emitting any smoke.

And Sanji…

The blonde looked as though he had just seen, as horrible as it may have sounded; death. He looked like he had just seen death. His face was pale and his eyes were wide and his jaw was agape as he stared back at Zoro.

"Sanji," Zoro said, though not loud enough for the other to hear.

He was relieved. The blonde was still alive. Zoro didn't fuck up.

Yet.

Where was Sanji off to? Zoro could see that Sanji was better dressed for the harsh weather, but it wasn't enough for him to cease worrying. The man still looked quite pale. And Zoro didn't forget about what Robin had told him, and what he had read yesterday in that little note.

"H-hey," Zoro yelled across the street.

The blonde jumped a little, his facial expression twisting a bit in horror.

"Don't move," Zoro said, closing the door behind him and hurriedly making his way across the street. He could see Sanji immediately back away from him, his eyes still locked on to Zoro's and his face still disdain from discovering him. But Zoro wasn't going to let the blonde get away. Yes, he was happy to see Sanji was alive and well, but he wasn't going to simply leave the blonde with only that knowledge. And so, without really bothering to check whether a car was rolling by, Zoro made a dash through the street, risking getting hit or slipping (with it raining and all), in order to grab hold of the blonde. Luckily Sanji needed to use his keys in order to get back in to the property, so Zoro was able to quickly catch up.

Sadly this wasn't enough, as Sanji did end up opening the door, and passing through it, just as Zoro was about to reach out and take him. Zoro grimaced as he watched the blonde disappear, barely stopping himself in time as he slowed himself to a halt before making contact with the door.

"Shit!"

He glared at the door for a few moments, his anger growing by the millisecond, and began banging on it-hard.

"Open the door," Zoro yelled.

"What the fuck?" Zoro paused as he heard Sanji yell from the other side. "Why the hell are you here? You stalking me or something?"

"Sanji, open this door," Zoro demanded.

"Are you sick or something?" Sanji responded. "Why the fuck are you here? !"

Zoro grit his teeth together in frustration as he let his fist hit the door again.

"Why are you being so damn defensive," Zoro questioned. He pulled a weak smile as he tried to think of a clever way to get Sanji to listen to him. He was not going to tell Sanji that he read the note; he knew that would only make things messier. And he was sure as hell not going to tell Sanji that he was worried for him or that he was afraid or felt guilty about yesterday. "You think I'm here to take you to the hospital or something? Are you still afraid of that?"

"Screw you," Sanji yelled back.

Zoro rolled his eyes.

"Idiot," Sanji hissed through his teeth. "I know that's not why you're here. Like you really care."

Zoro chuckled. Well, although it was a lie, he felt a bit accomplished.

"You know," Zoro said, "Robin was _really_ upset last night."

"…"

The lack of response made Zoro feel a bit more confident.

"Very upset," Zoro said again. "I never saw her look so worried, never." He removed his hand from the door as he felt himself feel that confidence wade a bit as he remembered the woman's anxious expression. It was his own fault that she was so upset. "She's…normally so calm…I'm not sure what happened between you two, but she was really torn when she found out I…when I took you here."

"Heh…like I care," Sanji murmured weakly through the door.

"…"

"…just leave," Sanji finally said.

"Why?" Zoro asked.

"Because," Sanji replied.

"Because what," Zoro demanded. "Do you have any idea how bad I felt when I finished talking to Robin?" He winced in pain as he let his head rest on the door. "That's why I'm here, you know."

"...and what's your plan exactly," Sanji asked.

"…"

"You think you can just come over and drag me back?" Sanji asked Zoro. "Did you ever think I might not even be home?"

"Of course," Zoro answered. "In fact, that's what I was worried about the most."

"…"

"Look, Sanji," Zoro said, talking a huge deep breath, "I think…we should have a little talk." Zoro did his best to make it sound like he wasn't affected by this it at all. He didn't want Sanji to know that he knew.

"…"

"You have no idea who the hell I am," Zoro said. "I don't know a thing about you. I don't know your friends, your family, nothing." He lifted his head up and took a step back fro the door. "I've already proved to you that I'm not the smartest…I took you home without considering the fact that you might be sick or needed medical help."

"…your point?"

"What do you have to lose?" Zoro asked.

…

…

Zoro smirked as the door finally creaked open.

* * *

_"Hello? Sanji? It's me, Nami. Why isn't your phone on? Ugh…look, in case you haven't looked outside today, the weather's really bad. Nojiko and I are staying in today. Sorry. I'll see if I can visit you and Usopp on Friday, ok? Call me back-and turn on your phone! Bye."_

Zoro kept his head lowered as he listened carefully to what was going on around him. He knew Sanji was upset. He hadn't said a word after the small 'beep' had initiated, telling them both that the message was over. Zoro didn't say a thing though; he just waited patiently on the worn couch as the blonde continued to stare out. His eyes darted over at the telephone that was charging, wondering if he should convince Sanji to call the girl. Zoro didn't know who she was, but from what he heard, and by Sanji's reaction, he figured she was someone important to him. And maybe talking to her would help him.

"Uhm…"

"No," Sanji said in a dark tone, getting up from his seat.

"You didn't even know what I was about to say," Zoro said in a stiff voice.

"I don't need to know," Sanji went on, walking over to what looked like the kitchen.

Zoro lifted his gaze and continued to look around. Everything had a real nice feel to it. It wasn't super neat and clean, nor was it sophisticated or bland, and despite having that "bachelor" feel to it, the place was pretty well kept. The furniture was worn, and the throw pillows were mismatched, one of them looked handmade, and the latest piece of technology in the whole room was probably the Playstation…two. Posters covered the wall, one of them covering a very large crack by the looks of it, and only two pictures were framed. There was a dissected laptop on the coffee table. From what Zoro could see, everything in the living room was a hand-me-down.

And for some odd reason, he liked it.

Zoro peered over to take a better look into the kitchen, trying to spot Sanji. Aside from the fridge, which had a bunch of notes and pictures all over it, he couldn't see a thing.

"…Sanji?" Zoro called out.

"…what?"

Zoro paused and wondered whether he ought to ask. In the end, he figured he couldn't get Sanji to hate him or dislike him even more.

"Is Nami your girlfriend?" Zoro asked.

"No."

"Oh," Zoro said, settling back down into his seat. "You seemed upset."

"She's just a friend," Sanji said from the kitchen. Zoro could hear Sanji move about, and he could hear something else going on as well from the kitchen.

God this was becoming awkward really fast.

"So…you're walking," Zoro commented. "I take it everything went well?"

"What?"

"Your feet," Zoro then added. "They were really messed up…but you seem to have no problem walking on them now."

"Yeah," Sanji said.

"That's good."

"Can't really feel much of anything though," Sanji said as he made his way out of the kitchen, holding a small tray. Zoro could see a cup laying on it, as well as a few other things, but that wasn't really important to him at the moment.

"What?" Zoro asked. "What do you mean by can't feel?"

Sanji lowered himself and placed the small cup and tray in front of Zoro.

"Exactly that," he said, lifting himself back up. "The nerves…they got really fucked up." Sanji walked over to the sofa and sat himself down. "I can't feel anything on the bottom…"

"Shit Sanji," Zoro said. "You need to see a doctor…"

"Doctor's can't bring back the dead," Sanji said, his hand extended out as he grabbed the small pack of cigarettes. "Nerves are long gone…they've been since late last night."

Sanji pulled out a stick and offered it to Zoro.

"No thanks," Zoro said, waving his hand away from it. "I don't smoke."

Sanji nodded his head.

"Do you mind then-?"

"Go ahead," Zoro said, "it's your place…" He stared down at the cup, "Coffee?"

"There's sugar and cream on the tray," Sanji muttered as he lit his cigarette.

Zoro eyed the small tray and then went back to Sanji.

"None for you," he asked.

"I don't really need any," Sanji said.

Zoro stared at the blonde; easily spotting the dark bag underneath the blonde's worn out eye. And it wasn't just his eyes that told him Sanji was exhausted. His mannerisms, the way his body was slouched a bit, the way his jaw was relaxed…everything seemed a bit loose. Really loose.

"You look tired," Zoro finally said, lifting his cup up. He grabbed the spoon and began scooping up sugar. "Didn't get any sleep last night?"

"No," Sanji said, giving Zoro a suspicious glance.

"Stress?" Zoro asked. He added another scoop.

"…no," Sanji said again.

"Not even a little, like, from last night," Zoro added. He added one more scoop to his coffee and finally began stirring his concoction.

"There's no real need for concern," Sanji said, crossing his arms.

"Robin acted like there was," Zoro muttered, placing his cup down. He stared hard at Sanji and sighed.

"…is she alright?"

Zoro's gaze lifted a bit as he slowly nodded his head.

"I know she'll be better, knowing you're alright," Zoro said. He frowned. "But…why on earth was she like that in the first place?"

He really wanted Sanji to confess. It would make things so much easier.

Zoro didn't have a plan. In fact, there was really nothing much after "finding Sanji". He hadn't come up with a real plan in the first place. Everything that was happening right now was based on his ability to quickly adapt. He was hoping Sanji would confess so he could have a reason to worry and take the blonde to get some help. Robin hadn't done it in the first place, which meant everything was sorta left to him.

Well…not really.

Zoro knew he wasn't obliged to help Sanji. And even after discovering that Sanji was possibly suicidal, there was no law that stated he had to keep the blonde settled. Sure, it would be morally right for him to help the blonde, but it would still be permissible to leave Sanji to his own. He didn't know Sanji. There was nothing tying him down or keeping him here in this apartment. Not even the guilt or worry was a good enough reason, when one thought hard about it.

But it was that worry, and it was that guilt, as well as everything else, that made Zoro want to help Sanji. Death wasn't something Zoro understood, and for Sanji to willingly accept it confused him and made him so god damn angry. And remembering how painfully depressed Sanji was, how defeated and torn he looked while in the bathroom, and how desperate he was to leave that he went as far as lying and creating a poor alibi just to get back home…and for what? The final memory of Sanji resting and him staring sadly into the dark sky really got to him as well.

"I guess it was an overreaction," Sanji said, looking off.

"To…alcohol, or drugs?" Zoro asked.

Sanji continued to stare off, his eyes glued to the window.

"…I don't know," he finally answered.

"You don't know which one…or you just don't know why," Zoro asked, leaning in a bit.

Sanji turned his gaze to Zoro.

"I can probably guess why," Sanji answered dryly. "And I could give a guess as to which one as well." He let a hand rest on his leg. "As to why she would worry about me in the first place though…"

Sanji gave a long sigh, releasing a long stream of smoke.

"She should have just went to work," Sanji said, once again looking out the window. "It would have been better that way."

"I don't see how," muttered Zoro. "You would have freeze to death."

"I would have learned a valuable lesson," Sanji said. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "And you would have gone to your classes." Sanji exhaled. "None of that pointless drama would have taken place, and this conversation we're having right now wouldn't be taking place." He opened his eyes and stared at Zoro. "I think we can both agree the healthier, more productive choice would have been her just driving by…"

Zoro felt a dizzy sensation sweep over him. Really? Was that what Sanji thought? Him being saved only put a damper on everyone else's lives? What kind of attitude was that?

"And what about you?" Zoro asked.

Sanji just stared.

Zoro clenched his teeth.

"Why don't you fucking answer," he hissed.

Sanji lifted his legs up and changed his sitting position. He lay on the couch, looking up at the ceiling, taking another drag as he closed his eyes again.

"…Sanji," Zoro said in a threatening tone.

Why wasn't he answering?

Zoro stood up and stomped over to the blonde. He glared down, his shadow casting over Sanji's frame.

He looked thin. And he looked pale. No, he remembered now. Sanji had looked this way before; he was just finally taking notice of it now. It was all in front of him, and he didn't really notice it until now.

"Sanji," Zoro yelled.

Sanji sighed and opened his eyes, looking up at Zoro.

"Zoro?" Sanji finally said, letting his arm out and rubbing the cigarette into the ashtray. His eyes continued to look into Zoro's, his expression stoic and serious. "Do you know _why_ I let you in here?"

Zoro wavered a bit. Did he? To talk to Sanji right? Right? But was that the reason Sanji let him in, or was it the reason Zoro was relying on?

Anticipation filled Zoro's chest. His heart sped up a bit as he felt fear spread throughout him.

He shook his head.

"I invited you in," Sanji started; "to let you know, in private, face to face; that anything you say will not change a damn thing."

Zoro choked a bit.

Oh shit. He somehow knew Sanji was going to say that. He knew. He just knew.

"You think I'm stupid or something," Sanji said with a weak laugh. A bitter smile grew on his face. "I knew, right from the moment you looked at me with that face, that you knew. And no, I don't care if Robin told you…and I don't hate her for telling you." A hand covered his face as he took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "And now you're here to try to make it right…well, tough shit. It isn't going to happen. Sanji removed his hand and stared up at Zoro's now tortured expression. "It's not your fault…now get the hell out."

* * *

A fist came crashing down, nicking the side of Sanji's face. Sanji's eyes went wide as he felt the sharp face hit him, his eyes glaring up at Zoro.

The younger man's expression had weakened quite a bit, which surprised Sanji.

No…he was supposed to be angry.

Sanji frowned, his teeth barred a bit as he let his hand cover the side of his face. He waited for Zoro to lift his hand back up, hopefully to cover up all those tears.

It didn't happen. Instead, Sanji got something quite different, and quite off guard as well.

"You were whimpering," Zoro said, breathing hard.

"What?" Sanji asked. His eyes wouldn't escape those saddened gaze.

No, Zoro wasn't supposed to be sad. Why was he so sad? And what was he talking about?

"In your sleep," Zoro answered. "You were practically crying…"

Sanji went cold, his whole body stiffening up as he came into sudden realization that Zoro probably knew more than what he gave for granted.

"I waited until I knew for sure you were having a nightmare," Zoro said, shaking his head. He pulled himself away from Sanji, lifting himself up and looking away from the blonde.

Sanji felt his heart sink as the room began to spin around him.

He was getting sick all over again.

"I was just so freaked out," Zoro continued. "I thought you might have been having an attack or something. And then you woke up and the first think you did was upchuck." Sanji bit his kip as he tried to refrain from yelling. He wanted Zoro out. He didn't want something crying in front of him. He didn't want someone telling him how afraid they were. He didn't want that; he couldn't handle that.

"…and the note…"

Oh…god…

Sanji leered over to the hallway.

"I found the note in my car," Zoro said, turning and facing Sanji. "It might have fallen out while you were throwing everything up…you were writhing about, you know."

No, no, no!

Sanji felt his heart beat rapidly as he continued to look around the room.

He still had the note, didn't he? It was in his pants, right? Right? !

And then, as though to answer his question, Zoro reached into his jacket and pulled out the damp, worn out paper. Sanji could see the ink had soaked through the paper, making it anything but readable. But he knew, just by staring at it, that it was his.

"…it's a suicide note," Zoro said. "You were going to kill yourself yesterday." Zoro held his breath. "That's when I found out…"

Sanji sank into his seat, his eyes watering up and his mouth dry.

Zoro was the one doing the glaring now.

"How weak you were," Zoro said, drawing his conclusion. "Robin never told me. I had to find out for myself, right after I let you go!"

Sanji shook his head, hiding his face from Zoro.

Really? Was this really happening to him? Sanji thought the dream was bad, he thought that was painful. But this was something else! He didn't even know Zoro and he felt like shit. Sanji couldn't even imagine what it must feel like to have to hear it from a friend.

"Do you have any idea how fucking stupid I felt when I went back to Robin?"

Sanji merely shook his head.

"You know how upset she was…how freaking disappointed she was," Zoro asked rhetorically. "She trusted me…"

"…you made the mistake of trusting me," Sanji muttered.

"Huh?"

"You heard me," Sanji said. He got up from the couch and stared right at Zoro. "You should have known better…"

Zoro leered angrily at Sanji.

"Even better," Sanji said. "You should have just kept to your own business."

"Fuck you," Zoro hissed, lifting his hand up and flipping Sanji off.

Sanji smiled.

That's it; forget why you were upset in the first place.

"You should have torn up the note," Sanji went on. "What good does showing it to me do? I already knew what's in it…"

"You need help, Sanji," Zoro said. He slammed the note down on the coffee table, letting his hand rest on it before letting it go and facing Sanji.

"Nice to know," Sanji said in a bitter, hurt tone.

"I'm serious," Zoro stressed. "People can help you…"

Sanji shook his head.

He did not want to hear this speech. Why, of all people, was Zoro telling him this?

"You're friends have got to be worried," Zoro said. "I mean…with you being all upset. I know they've probably mentioned it to you already." He sighed. "But what would they do if they knew you actually tried to kill yourself?"

Sanji chuckled.

"They don't know a thing," Sanji said, wiping a few tears from his face. "I'd never tell them something so fucked up."

"…they don't know?"

"No," Sanji said, "not a thing."

Zoro's jaw dropped.

"And you were just going to leave them in the dark," Zoro yelled.

"Screw off," Sanji said. "You have no idea…I couldn't put them through that!"

"So what?" Zoro said. "They just come home and see that you're dead? Or they wait for days and wonder where you've gone? They call the police and worry about you for days, weeks, perhaps months? And then they find out you killed yourself?"

"…"

"You think that's better?" Zoro asked desperately.

Sanji didn't think about that. He didn't bother thinking about how long it would be till his body was found. How long would they have gone before getting some sort of clue as to what happened to him? He figured disappearing was better than actually leaving a body for everyone to see, but from what Zoro had said…it was even worse.

"And they'll never know why you did it either," Zoro added.

"…oh," Sanji practically whimpered.

"What a horrible thing to do…"

Sanji wasn't too sure who had been the one to say that.

"Sanji?"

"Yeah," Sanji said in his still weakened tone.

"What now?"

Sanji looked at Zoro and shook his head. The man looked so eager to hear good news. After lashing out all his anger and frustration, Sanji knew Zoro wanted nothing more than to hear that something good would come of this. Especially after mentioning that last bit, Sanji was sure Zoro was expecting some sort of positive character development.

…but there wasn't.

He was upset. Sanji was only a few words away from breaking down in sobs…but he wasn't upset for the right reasons. Once again, it was guilt and pride that were making him so sad. It was Zoro knowing and Zoro getting angry and upset that made Sanji tear up and want forgiveness. Not because he was doing something wrong, but because he was caught.

"…you've said everything you wanted to say, right?" Sanji asked.

Zoro gave him a confused look.

"Because, if you did, then you can leave," Sanji said.

"…what about you?" Zoro asked, taking a step closer to the blonde.

"I already said that nothing you could say would change a damn thing," Sanji said. He shook his head and continued; "there's nothing you can do…I'm done with this. Simple as that." It didn't sound sad at all. The words came off as a statement. "I'm…tired, Zoro, really tired."

"Of course you are," Zoro said in a rushed tone. "All this stress…"

"That's not what I mean," Sanji said.

"You need rest?" Zoro asked. Sanji could see the desperation grow by the second. God, hoe he was growing to hate Zoro.

"Rest is the last thing I need," Sanji said. "Rest…it'll only make things worse."

Sanji could see Zoro had no idea what he was talking about. He was only confusing the man even more.

"I can't rest Zoro," Sanji said. "I can't do anything." Sanji felt his chest tighten a bit as he recalled the last dream he had. "I can't do anything at this point…sleep's killing me….over and over again. I can't think straight, I can't feel anything, I can't cook or eat…"

"I don't get it?"

"Of course you don't," Sanji said, getting more upset. "How could you. You want me to get better, but you can't even begin to comprehend what I've been going through."

"…"

"Think about it, Zoro," Sanji said. "Why would anyone want to kill themselves? Surely they've got to be in some sort of pain, right?"

Zoro didn't answer. Sanji could see that he was feeling more torn about the conflict.

"You gave me your opinion," Sanji continued. "There's nothing wrong about that. But do you think it's going to make me better? Do you think it's going to want me to get better?" He shook his head. "I've been dealing with this for a long time now…a very long time. And I don't want to deal with it anymore."

"So, you're giving up," Zoro asked. He sneered. "Strange, you don't look like a quitter."

"Say what you want," Sanji said.

"What if there is a way to fix you up," Zoro added.

"There's no cure," Sanji said, shaking his head. "There are ways to help prevent it, maybe temporarily stop it from progressing…I doubt there's an actual cure for it though…"

Zoro nodded his head. Sanji watched as the younger man thought quietly to himself. What was he thinking this time? He could see the desperation still on Zoro's face, though the tension had eased up a bit. He looked hopeful…

"But if it could be stopped," Zoro then said.

"Good for me," Sanji replied. He sighed; "but I know you're not going to waste money looking for it."

"But if it was free?"

"Nothing's ever free," Sanji answered.

"And it didn't require you talking to professionals," Zoro still went on. "You'd do it right?" He paused for a moment and went on. "I mean…it's not going to be quick, but after a while I'm sure I could think up something…"

Sanji couldn't help but laugh.

"You want to help me," Sanji said. "And all on your own?"

"All I have to do is find out what's wrong," Zoro said, crossing his arms together and stand up as straight as he could. "Then from there, I find the solution…its simple enough."

Talk about high self esteem. People go on and talk about how much trouble and stressful it is trying to find a good doctor or physiatrist, or how they're worrying over funds and costs for all the procedures, but not him. Sanji was being offered everything for free. He just had to put his faith in a guy he barely knew; a green haired weirdo who's already proved to him many times that he wasn't the brightest of people. Everything Zoro had said made Sanji want to kick him in the face.

"And nobody has to know," Zoro said.

"Uh-huh," Sanji said in a sarcastic tone. "And what if I say no to your little operation?"

Zoro pulled a dark grin, "I star sixty nine and call Nami."

Sanji's jaw dropped a little.

"I know where you live," Zoro said, pointing at Sanji, "I can call them and tell them about your little suicide attempt."

"You don't even know…"

"Doesn't matter," Zoro said. "Nobody takes that lightly. I'll risk the ambulance charge just to get my point across."

"And if I go along with this and let you…" Sanji trailed off for a bit. "Help me," he almost spat the words out.

"I do everything in my power to find out what's going on," Zoro answered. "And it'll be through your guidelines…"

Sanji nodded his head.

"…and if you can't do a goddamn thing about it," Sanji then asked.

Zoro sighed.

"There's got to be a resolution," Sanji said.

"…if that's the case, then I'll let you do as you please," Zoro said. "I'll even help you, if you need me to. Or I'll just disappear from your life, whatever makes things easier on you."

Did Zoro just offer to assist in suicide?

Sanji just did not want to believe what he had just heard. Once again, the man had trapped him into a corner, only this time Sanji was stuck. He couldn't just refuse and wait for time to slip by…now he had no choice but to comply with Zoro, unless he wanted everyone else to know what was going on.

So, what would it be?

Sanji could easily say that he didn't like Zoro. He wished he could hate Zoro for finding him out, and he wanted to kill the guy for trying to fix things up on his own. It pissed him off that Zoro wanted to make things better. He was worse than Robin…Robin knew when to back off. Why didn't he?

But if he told Zoro to just fuck off now, he would risk getting himself into bigger trouble. Sanji was having a hard enough time dealing with two people knowing what had gone on yesterday… if he could keep it to the amount it was right now, then he'd be better off.

"You know…I was going to jump off a bridge," Sanji said. He didn't bother to see whether or not Zoro was listening or staring at him. "I had planned it all out…I was going to get myself at a low enough temperature, wanted to make sure it wouldn't hurt so bad."

"You would have drowned before then," Zoro replied.

"Maybe, who knows?" Sanji shrugged. "I was stopped before I could let it happen."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Empty," Sanji answered. "I feel so void and hollow right now, just thinking about it." He looked down and stared at his shoes. "Saving my life…and I can't feel my feet."

"Better than being dead," Zoro muttered.

"What makes you think that?" Sanji asked.

"Death's the end," Zoro replied back. "Nothing happens after that." Sanji looked up and saw Zoro sitting down, his finger tracing around the cup's edges. "You just die…"

"Wonderful," Sanji said. "No wonder you're so afraid of it…"

"I'm not afraid of death," Zoro responded. "I know it can happen at any moment, but I'm not afraid of it. You though…I'd be afraid of it if I were you…"

Sanji rolled his eyes as he made his way over to Zoro. Sanji sat himself next to the younger man and rested his arms on his long legs. Sanji stared down at the floor and listened to the sound of his heart, which was still beating rapidly.

What hurt him the most….getting caught…or getting the help?

"Do you really think you can help," Sanji asked.

Zoro turned and stared; "do you want help?"

Well, if things could be sparkles and sunshine, then yes. Sanji would give up quite a bit to have things back to the way they were. Of course, he knew by now that was impossible. He could never have the life he had lived. Whatever was eating away at him had made him forget what it was like to have a normal sense of life. He had gone so long without dreaming, without having a good night's rest, Sanji was unsure if he could ever experience it again. Sanji was so used to lying in front of his friends, so used to holding a mask in front of his face; was he able to be who he once was?

"I don't know…" Sanji said. He looked up and rested his head on the soft furniture. "But you're not exactly giving me much of an ultimatum."

"Nope," Zoro said. Sanji watched as Zoro sat himself upright and looked over to Sanji. "You're going to need to keep your phone on if this is going to work."

"Yeah, I normally don't leave it off for extended periods," Sanji said. "I just…yesterday."

"Mhmm," Zoro said.

"…do you know what you're doing?" Sanji then asked.

"It's like what I learned from my Chemistry class," Zoro said, staring up at the ceiling and trying to recall what he had "learned". "I got to find the problem, form a hypothesis, and then work till I get a solution."

"And if the solution is wrong?"

"I try again," Zoro answered.

"And what if that doesn't work," Sanji asked Zoro.

"Then I'm seriously fucked," Zoro said in a solemn tone. "I mean… _we're_ seriously fucked."

For some reason, this made Sanji really nervous.

Sanji looked around the messy room and sighed. He could hear the soft sounds of rain hitting the windows, as well as the occasional car passing by. He wished he could hear everyone. Sanji wanted Nami to be here. He wished she had come today, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. No…it would have happened either way. Zoro wouldn't have backed down just because she was present. Zoro was rather blunt and didn't take those little things, like a sensitive woman, into consideration. As long as he got things done; Sanji was pretty sure that was how Zoro operated. But was it going to work?

Sanji looked down at the coffee table. There was the note.

How much of it did Zoro read? And how bad did it make him feel, knowing that he let Sanji go?

"Zoro?"

"What?"

"What do we call _this_?" Sanji asked.

Zoro looked over to Sanji and asked; "what do we call 'what' now?"

"This relationship of ours," Sanji pointed out. "Us being in this estranged situation."

"Oh," Zoro said, "well, I guess it would be "two people who really hate each other" sort of relationship."

Sanji stared at Zoro and frowned.

"Zoro, I don't hate you," he said. He leaned over and grabbed his pack of cigarettes. "Indifferent, perhaps…but I don't hate you."

Sanji pulled out a cigarette and put it to his lips. He looked at Zoro and saw the relived expression on his face.

Wonderful.

"I don't hate you either," Zoro said bluntly.

"Good to know," Sanji said, lighting up and taking a deep breath.

"I'm serious," Zoro said.

"I can tell," Sanji replied back.

He was going to hate this so much


	6. Planning

_You're drowning._

_Of course, Sanji wanted nothing more than to reply to the thought with an obvious "No shit", but found himself incapable as he desperately covered his mouth and frantically made for what he assumed to be the surface. His free arm kept paddling through the icy cold water as his other kept his mouth and nose covered, trying with all his might not to breath in the water. He knew better, Sanji hadn't suffered from drowning before._

_It was a painful experience, and Sanji knew he only had a limited amount of time before his body's reflex took in and forced him to inhale, be it water or air._

_And inhaling water was painful; it burned his trachea, and made his lungs feel heavy and hot. From there his body would just shut tight, and then he couldn't take in anything at all. As strange as it may have sounded, Sanji had more occasions of dry drowning than wet, though it was just as agonizing as the other._

_Sanji looked up, frowning as he saw no light above him._

_Fuck, where was the surface?_

_Carbon was building up in him, as small bubbles began to escape through his tight grasp as he frantically searched his surroundings. Everything was dark, and so very cold, and Sanji couldn't seem to figure out where up was. He was beginning to doubt such a thing was going to pop up either._

_And at that very moment Sanji coughed, all the air in his lungs fleeing from him as he accidentally engulfed an impressive amount of icy cold water. As though his skin and muscles weren't in enough pain as it was, Sanji felt his insides burn in indescribable pain. His felt began to spin and heat up as pressure build up inside his skull. His felt like it was about to burst. Sanji's felt his throat tighten up; stopping him from breathing as he felt himself slowly began to sink._

_Fuck…_

_"…Sanji."_

_…_

_"Sanji."_

_Someone's calling you…_

_Sanji felt his vision give way as every muscle in his body stopped functioning. He no longer made his way to the surface as his consciousness began to slip from his grasp._

_Now his dream was being merciful…only when he was about to be forced awake…_

_"Sanji!"_

…

"Sanji, wake up," a worried voice yelled in Sanji's ears. A hand was grabbing his shoulder, giving him a rather violent shake. There was a bright light above him, causing Sanji to squint and look away as he felt reality take over.

He was awake.

"Sanji," Usopp's voice said in an extremely nervous tone.

Sanji pushed Usopp away as he looked around his room, immediately taking note of the small cracks of light permeating from the blinds. The second thing he noticed was himself, his body was pale and moist and oh so very unappealing to look at.

Which made Sanji dread the third; Usopp was in his room.

"Usopp," Sanji said in a weakened tone, his eyes still locked on his hands as he refrained from facing the younger boy. "I had…"

"We're going to be late!" Usopp yelled frantically, grabbing hold of Sanji's arm. "I can't believe you overslept! School's gonna start soon, and I can't afford to get detention again!" It was after the fifth or sixth shake did Usopp actually notice the disgruntled look on Sanji's face and stop. "Hey…you ok?" Usopp finally came to ask.

Sanji continued to keep his gaze away from Usopp as best as he could. He was still trying to settle his breathing as his heart continued to race and the rest of his body continue to shake and jitter from ther aftermath of his nightmare. But even in this state, Sanji was very aware of what was going on, and he knew he needed to come up with some sort of explanation for his rather disturbing state. Unfortunately, he couldn't think of anything aside from the obvious.

"Bad dream," he murmured uninvitingly. It was enough to give Usopp everything he needed to know, and he knew Usopp wouldn't dare ask him anything more, given his tone of voice.

And what did he need to know? People had bad dreams once in a while! Usopp shouldn't act at all like it was out of the ordinary…

"Are you ok?" Usopp asked.

Why ask? What a stupid question.

"Yeah," Sanji lied. "I don't even remember all of it."

Sanji got up from his bed and without looking Usopp in the eye, made his way to his drawer and began fishing for an outfit.

"Go get ready," Sanji said nonchalantly, his eyes on the various shirts and belongings. "I'll be ready in a few."

"You sure?" Usopp asked in a concerned tone.

"Yes," Sanji answered as he pulled some fresh, clean garments and made his way to the bathroom.

"Do you need me to drive?" Usopp continued to ask, pestering Sanji.

Sanji grit his teeth together as he forced the word "No" through his lips. He closed the door behind him and removed his damp belongings from his body. There would be no time to shower, not if Usopp was to be at school on time. Sanji paused for a moment as he wondered whether he ought to go to classes today. He hadn't gone on Monday…and Tuesday was filled with him arguing and feeling sorry for himself. What would he do today?

Sanji sighed as he pulled his pants up. He was behind, and he was in no mood to even try to catch up. There was no will to attempt to figure out what he had missed no urge to call anyone and ask what had happened in class, no real thought of going on his college's site and looking up any assignments he missed.

Nothing.

Then why bother going, Sanji asked himself. He closed his eyes and began to wonder about it. There was no reason for him to go to his lectures…he couldn't find any at the moment.

But as Sanji was about to make his decision, a familiar voice filled his mind. Taunting him with those hurtful words;

"So, you're giving up?"

Sanji glared at the mirror, staring hatefully at his own reflection.

And how was it that he had almost forgotten about Zoro? Sanji felt a smirk grow on his face as he recalled the man, the stupid deal he had made in order to stop himself from taking his own life. What an idiot. Zoro knew nothing of what he was going through, and yet those words stung so bad, it pissed Sanji off so much.

And yet…

"Strange, you don't look like a quitter."

And yet it felt so god damn good to know that he existed right now. It was so relieving to know that there was something Sanji could push all his hate and anger on to, without having to worry about any repercussions. True, Sanji had not done so with Zoro yet, and he doubted he would anytime soon, but it was the knowledge that he could that made him feel so good.

Zoro was like this little… _thing_. He was the _thing_ that would keep his mouth shut…and Sanji would never have to worry about his friends knowing about all his problems because he had his _thing_ to talk to. Oh yeah, Sanji was pissed that he had been threatened, and he planned to make life hell for Zoro later on, but he knew better than to drive away a convenience. And Zoro was definitely a convenience.

Ok, he would go to his classes. Not because he wanted to, but because he wasn't going to let Zoro rub it in tomorrow, or whenever they were supposed to meet.

Fully clothed, Sanji hurried out the door and went back into his room. Usopp was no longer standing there, so Sanji figured he was either in the car, or the living room. He rushed over and grabbed his books, being reminded of how he had done his room over the other day, and sprinted over to the living room.

"You feeling better?" Sanji heard as he passed the younger man. He gave a quick glance and saw that Usopp was still worried.

"Much," Sanji said. And it was true, he was feeling a lot better, however, Usopp didn't seem to notice this.

"Ok then," he heard the boy mutter. Sanji lowered his gaze as he grabbed his keys and made his way out the door, Usopp slowly following him.

He couldn't blame Usopp for being upset. It wasn't usually in his nature to get snappy. Sanji was usually calm and collected, becoming annoyed was supposed to be beyond him. He really wished Usopp hadn't seen him like that. Sanji really wished that he hadn't fallen asleep.

"Wait a second," Sanji said suddenly, stopping.

"What is it?"

"I forgot my phone," Sanji said.

"You'll be done with your classes before noon," Usopp said with a pout.

"It's serious," Sanji said, walking back to the door. He could sympathize with Usopp, being that missing class was a big deal when you were still in high school, but Sanji really needed his phone today.

"Expecting a call from Nami?" Usopp asked.

"No, someone else," Sanji said, unlocking the door to the apartment and rushing back in. He didn't give Usopp a chance at complaining.

Sanji ran back to his room, hurrying over to his charging phone and yanked it from the charger. He got back up, his finger pressing on the power button as he made his back to the front door. Zoro had said they probably couldn't meet on Mondays or Wednesdays, but Sanji figured the man would at least message him over the day. Although he couldn't stand the guy, he was looking to see just how committed he was, if only to figure out how to rid of him or get the green haired freak off his back.

Sanji looked down at the screen and sighed.

No messages, yet.

* * *

Zoro stared helplessly at the ceiling in his crowded dorm room, quietly going over what little information Sanji had provided him yesterday. Zoro turned over to his side, grabbing hold of the sheets as he curled himself into the fetal position, his eyes now looking over at the wall covered in pictures and posters. As moments passed on Zoro began to feel more lost and confused, and wondered just whether he should just give up and call the police about his predicament.

To put it simply, Zoro was lost.

From what he had been told, which wasn't much, Sanji was having some sort of mental issues. He was suffering from ongoing nightmares. And not just regular nightmares either, they were accurate, things that made sense-to an extent-and didn't defy the laws of physics. There were no monsters, no lightening and thunder, no random worlds full of misery or despair; everything took place within earth and within certain boundaries. All deaths were things that had been proven to work against the human body, and they had occurred throughout history at some point or another…so it wasn't as if Sanji was dreaming about scenes from Saw or anything. But what Zoro found interesting were the outcomes of the nightmares. Sanji had said he'd wake up just before experiencing death, or right as he was undergoing it, and would wake up completely aware of where he was and what was going on. Sanji even said he could recall most of them, and with great detail…not that he was willing to share them.

It seemed like quite a bit of information, but without being told some examples, or being given an exact date of when it started, other than being told "for a long time", or knowing Sanji's background, made Zoro feel very lost and unsure of himself. In reality, Zoro had very little to work with, and Zoro was quite sure Sanji would not provide him personal information without being given some sort results first. And Zoro couldn't provide results to Sanji without more knowledge.

It was a fucked up circle.

And it was only the tip of the iceberg.

Today was Wednesday. Zoro would have classes starting at two. Zoro glanced over at the alarm clock and groaned loudly.

Sanji took morning classes. He would be done with today's schedule by eleven.

It was ten-thirty right now, not that it really mattered at the moment. And it wouldn't matter later on either. Even if Zoro went well above the speed limit, he could only meet up with the blonde for about and hour, and then he would have all the way back to campus, collect his things, and make his way to class.

And waiting till nine-thirty at night, when he was done with his classes, wasn't much of an option either.

So, from what Zoro was able to deduct, he could only see Sanji on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when he only had one morning class, Friday, when both of them were free up until the after noon when Sanji had to go to work, and during parts of the weekend…if Sanji wasn't asked to do overtime.

It was Zoro's first day trying to help Sanji out with his emotional issues, and already he was stuck with trying to figure out what to do.

At first, the idea of calling the blonde came up, but his breaks in between classes wouldn't be enough to start a strong enough conversation and texting was out of the question. Although a text was quick and reliable, it made actual learning difficult, plus Zoro's auto correct sometimes made his sentences seem awkward or strange. Plus, it was hard to get the message of what was actually being said. Even if Sanji did agree to simple texting, Zoro would only be able to text when his professors weren't looking…and that also meant he couldn't text during Lab period or Kendo.

He had to do something! Zoro knew skipping out on just one day could be disastrous. Sanji looked smart, he was sure the guy would take notice in any weakness, and exploit it as soon as possible.

Zoro needed to find information about dreams. Yes, that was it.

Zoro went on and recalled what he had said yesterday, remembering the key to finding answers to most simple problems. First he had to state the problem, which Sanji had done so, then there was the hypothesis, which he was currently fiddling over, but that didn't mean he still couldn't collect data.

And there just so happened to be a library on the upper campus.

If the problems revolved around dreams, then he ought to get books about them. Dreams had to the mind, so Zoro figured he should start with…

There came a soft knock on the door, causing Zoro to immediately pull himself up from his rather pathetic position.

"What?" He said in a demanding tone while removing himself from the bed.

"You're going to show up for Chemistry today, right?" A high pitched voice asked through the door.

Zoro frowned as he walked over to the door, and opened it. He looked at the young, pink haired girl dressed heavily in a Lolita style dress, and raised a brow.

"Why wouldn't I," he said to her.

"You didn't show up," she said, smiling. "I figured you were going to withdraw while you still could."

"I had things to do that day, Perona," Zoro said, leaning against the door.

"Well, you do know this Friday is the last day you can withdraw without receiving a mark on your record," Perona said with a cruel smirk.

"Except a "W"," Zoro remarked.

"Better than failing," she commented back.

Zoro groaned. He brought his hand to his head and rubbed it, trying his best to keep himself from strangling the girl. He was really not in the mood to deal with her, not today!

"Anyways," Perona went on, "I figured I'd lend you my notes, since we do have lab, and you are my partner." She chuckled a bit, "I can't risk my grade now, so you better read up!" She offered up a few pages of notes up to Zoro. "I want them back as soon as possible…"

Zoro stared horrifically at the obnoxiously pink glittered notes. He could swear he saw a few doodles of animals around the corners of the page.

"You wouldn't have a typed version, would you," Zoro asked as he desperately tried to pull his eyes away from the sparkled notes.

"Oh, well excuse me," Perona said in an offended tone. "And here I go out of my way-"

"Forget it," Zoro said, snatching the notes from the girl. "Thanks Perona," Zoro said sarcastically, "you're a lifesaver."

Despite his very snaky tone, a genuine smile appeared on the girl's face. Zoro rolled his eyes and headed back into his room, tossing the notes on his bed.

"You're not going to read them now?" Perona asked, walking right after him. "And you just can't throw my notes around!"

"Don't worry," Zoro said. He grabbed his backpack and grabbed the books he needed for the day, and shoved them inside the pack. He then grabbed Perona's notes and placed them somewhat gently into his backpack. "I'll get through them later…I need to look something up at the library."

Perona laughed a little. "You do know there's internet here, right?"

"I know," Zoro muttered. "I need to find books…on psychology or something." Zoro paused and looked up to Perona. "Psychology is the one that has to do with the mind, right?"

"Yeah," Perona answered.

"Good," Zoro said, "I'll start from there and see if I find something…"

"Declaring your major?"

"No," Zoro said, "Just looking for some information."

"Information about what?" Perona continued to pester.

"None of your business," Zoro answered.

"I'm just trying to be helpful," Perona whined, "jeez, I always thought gay guys were supposed to be sweet or sassy." Perona crossed her arms and pouted. "You're just mean, ugly, and stupid!"

"Don't you have professors to be flirting with?" Zoro asked, looking up at the girl.

"You're no fun!" Perona muttered.

By this point Zoro was no longer paying attention to Perona. His mind was busy with trying to figure out what books he would need and how long it would take to find them. Zoro wanted progress as soon as possible, and that would mean finding the exact books he would need to determine what to do with helping Sanji. It would take a bit of time away from studying, but Zoro guessed he could stay up a bit longer to make up for the time.

As long as he didn't have to help Sanji kill himself.

God, he was an idiot for saying that. Zoro knew he had said some pretty stupid things in the past, but this easily topped them all. How in the hell did he let that promise slip through his lips? If that wasn't a drive to help someone out, then Zoro figured he must have been high on something. Or he was a real bastard.

"I'm leaving Perona," Zoro said as he crept over to the door. He lifted a hand and pointed out into the cold dorm hallway.

"Whatever," Perona said, passing by Zoro whilst making a face. "I give you notes and you ignore me and-"

"I'll see you later," Zoro said, giving the girl a small push out the door.

Zoro didn't even give Perona a second as he shut his door and made a dash over to the end of the hall. He could hear her yelling, though he did himself the favor of not listening as he pushed open the double doors and took his first steps outside the dorm.

As he made his way over to the parking lot, hoping to catch a shuttle over to the upper campus, Zoro did a quick estimate of how much time he had for searching. He would need time to make it to class, as well as study those notes Perona gave him. Not all the time he had could be dedicated to Sanji…even now.

Zoro sighed. He should have stopped and thought for a moment before making such promises, especially to someone who was suicidal. What if Sanji went along and killed himself anyways? What if he just stopped caring? Most importantly, what if he was just wasting his time?

The last question lingered for quite a bit in Zoro's head, even after entering the library.

* * *

Sanji stared desperately at his phone.

Normally he'd have been annoyed of someone had text or called him during his lectures, but today he was upset over the fact that he hadn't received some sort of contact from Zoro. He had expected a call or a text from the guy. Zoro had made an argument over them meeting up with one another, and lord knows he made a big deal over Sanji keeping his phone with him and keeping it on, just in case.

Well, fuck you Zoro.

Sanji let his finger slip over a few buttons, his screen turning white for a few seconds before showing off his contact list. He stared at the name and number that had been added to his phone last night, feeling an impulse to press the call button.

Zoro couldn't be asleep. Nobody slept this long…ok, maybe Luffy would, but no rational human would lie around in bed this late in the day.

But what exactly was he supposed to say? Sanji has been so pissed and angry over the whole ordeal. There was no way he was going come off as desperate and needy, not to that son of a bitch.

Sanji let his phone fall into his bag as he waited for his class to end. He really hadn't paid much attention to either of his classes. Too tired and too anxious, and still very depressed.

His mind wouldn't linger too far from what had happened. And now he was almost glorifying it. Sanji knew Zoro couldn't really fix things up. If anything, all Zoro was doing was prolonging the obvious end, and a part of Sanji knew that. There was that other half that was still clinging to life, but the other half was definitely winning him over at the moment. During the time Zoro was looking for answers, he'd still be dreaming up those god awful images. Sanji would still be suffering, and the worst thing for Zoro would be having to deal with it.

He'll give up, Sanji thought. He'll grow tired of the work and leave, and then you'll be all alone again and be able to finish what you had started. It was a strange, sick thing to think, but it made Sanji a bit calmer. Very sick thought.

Sanji took a breath and saw everyone around him beginning to put their notes and laptops away, telling him he ought to do the same. He looked down and stared at the few sentences of notes that he had written down before growing disinterested of the lecture.

Zoro wasn't going to text or call him. He was too busy with his own problems.


	7. Getting Along

Zoro did feel a tad guilty when he walked into the tidy living room, taking note that Sanji was busying himself with menial tasks that a person in his condition would do for the sake of merely getting it done. He was moving things around. Organizing. Sanji called it "tidying up a messy house", but Zoro was sure there was another reason behind it. Not that he say it aloud.

In the end, Thursday was too much of a hassle for Zoro, being that he had an exam and, once that was over, kendo practice. He regretted pushing the blonde away, but had text him throughout the day, telling Sanji whatever came into his mind. It was more to distract Sanji, if anything.

And it had worked.

Though, just barely.

But there was a bright side. Sanji was alive, and he had been waiting for Zoro to contact him. Thursday hadn't been a waste of time at all. Zoro had been worried that his messages wouldn't get through, or that Sanji simply would not reply back-but he had. They had managed to create a simple conversation between the two of them throughout the whole day. And Zoro was so proud of himself. What little information he had dubbed significant, he had mentioned to Sanji, trying his best to sound like he knew what he was doing. And Sanji, from what it appeared, ate it all up. And even when Zoro ran out of positive things to say, the conversation went on. In his feeble attempt to make sure Sanji would replying back to him (since the last thing Zoro wanted was to leave a depressed person alone) a whole lot was learned about one another. Little things, things that probably would not matter much in the end, but enough to make Zoro feel a little bit more hopeful about his current situation.

And he hardly studied for Chemistry that day.

And even brighter side; Sanji kept on texting back. Even with the loss of evidence and information, Sanji went on and responded to Zoro's texts. Texts about work and classes and other things that only a friend would find somewhat interesting, not an acquaintance. Whether it was out of hope or fear of being found out about his suicidal tendencies, Zoro wasn't all too sure. He was just he didn't walk into a crime scene today.

And yes, Zoro was very aware of how awful he was for thinking such a thing.

"Well, we do have the same books," Zoro said bitterly as he went through the pages of Sanji's Political Science book. He frowned and placed the book down. "And how much did you pay for this?"

"Thirty, used," Sanji said. The blonde reclined into the soft furniture as he went through the pages of Zoro's expensive, new Political Science book. "How much did you pay for yours?"

Zoro didn't want to answer. He stared hatefully at the thick college textbook.

And Zoro was also very aware that he was something of a douche for bringing his school stuff with him to Sanji's place. Zoro knew he could have left everything aside from the folder full of copied works that he had found at the library, but he took the whole bag with him. If it weren't for the fact that Sanji immediately took interest in Zoro's contents, he would have come off as a real asshole. Or maybe Sanji did…and he was just screwing with him right now.

"Hey, you listening?" Sanji asked, pestering Zoro.

"Seventy," he grumbled.

Sanji nearly dropped the book he was holding upon hearing those words. Zoro wanted to strangle the blonde for a brief second as he watched Sanji give him a look of horror.

"And how much were the used ones?" Sanji asked in an almost desperate tone.

"Fifty-five," Zoro hissed. "Didn't really matter though, since they were all out of them."

"That' still pretty expensive," Sanji said. He put the book on to the coffee table and got up from his seat. "And you're currently not majoring in anything?"

Zoro shook his head.

"You shouldn't have wasted the money," Sanji said as he passed by Zoro. "Better to take regular general education requirements at a community college."

"But I got into the university," Zoro said.

"Doesn't matter," he heard the blonde say from the kitchen. "You're going to end up with some serious debt."

"Debt?" Zoro asked.

"Are you on financial aid," Sanji asked, peeking over and staring curiously at Zoro.

"No," Zoro answered rather casually.

"Did you ever apply for financial aid?"

"No," Zoro answered. "My parents make too much. No point in trying."

"You didn't even bother filling it out just to see?" Sanji shook his head and disappeared once more. Zoro could hear the older man prepare something.

"That would have been pointless and a waste of my time," Zoro said. "I wouldn't have gotten anything."

"So…you paid for everything?" Sanji asked in an alarming tone. "The books, classes, your room and meal plan…along with gas and anything else?" The blonde once again exposed himself to Zoro, looking at him with an estranged look on his face.

Zoro just nod his head in reply.

"I take it you have financial aid," Zoro asked Sanji. He kept his voice calm and as polite as he could. He wasn't trying to sound rude, nor did he want to get Sanji upset.

He was just… curious.

"Yeah," Sanji said. He didn't sound upset by his question. That was a good sign.

"Are you majoring in anything?"

"Well…" Sanji's voice trailed a bit, his eyes looking off to the side. Zoro waited patiently for an answer, but it never came. It soon become apparent that Sanji felt uncomfortable talking about it. And it didn't take much thought for Zoro to figure out why.

Ok, he had pressed one of the blonde's buttons. Zoro lightly nipped as his upper lip as he tried to think of a proper change of subject. Right, you couldn't go talking about certain things with people like Sanji. Well, at least until they're better in the head. Not that Sanji was crazy or anything.

"Doesn't really matter though," Zoro said. "You're going to a community college." He looked down at the coffee table. "No point in mentioning it if you don't want to."

"Is there something wrong with a community college?"

Zoro's eyes widened a bit as he looked up at Sanji's somewhat offended look. A blue eye leered at him. Arms were impatiently crossed. And that frown that Zoro was really beginning to hate was on that face of his.

Correction, Sanji was most definitely offended.

"No," Zoro said. "I didn't say there was anything wrong with it." He kept his eyes glued to Sanji's, unwilling to cower or appear so in front of him.

Was it impossible to be polite? Or was Sanji just easily angered by these things? And what did it matter anyways? Sanji was supposed to be suicidal. People who want to kill themselves shouldn't worry about what people think about their education.

"…did you have a nightmare last night?" Zoro suddenly asked.

"Changing the subject, are we?" Sanji said.

Zoro almost got up from his seat. He kept himself silently restrained as he tried to think of a way of getting along with Sanji. Sadly, the only way Zoro could figure getting Sanji to work with him was if he bended over backwards and just kissed ass. And it wasn't because he couldn't think of anything else. Oh no, Zoro had an arsenal of ideas…but god help him if he didn't remember the promise he made about helping out Sanji.

And you can't help someone out if they're too busy fighting with you.

"I was just saying it didn't matter," Zoro said as calmly as he could, "because you'd eventually be moving on to a state college." Zoro sighed out any remaining air and took a deep breath soon after. "Sorry if it came out wrong."

Zoro looked at Sanji, seeing immediate changes in his expression.

"Look," Zoro said. "I don't want to fight." He paused and groaned a bit. "I really don't want to fight."

Zoro could see guilt on the blonde's face.

"The goal here is to try to figure out what's wrong with you, and get you better." Zoro felt his fingers entangle with one another as he tried to think of other supporting things to say. He needed to sound mature; he needed to sound like he knew what he was talking about. "So…can we start…and forget about the college thing?"

"Sure," Sanji said.

"Ok then," Zoro said, full of relief.

That was easy. Sure, Zoro's pride felt a tad hurt over it, but it didn't kill him.

But then Zoro realized something. Something very bothersome.

Sanji was not with him. As soon as Zoro admitted miniature defeat, the blonde went ahead and disappeared. The only sign of life was the sound of food being prepared. Chopping. Food being moved around. Dishware being placed. Sanji was in the kitchen.

"Uhm," Zoro said. He made sure he was loud enough for Sanji to hear.

"Yes?" he heard Sanji say.

"Well…we did agree that we would talk," Zoro said. He felt a nervous smile grow on his face. Working with Sanji was impossible. Texting on a phone was easy. Talking in person was not.

"And we are," he heard the blonde reply. "I'm just multitasking."

Doing two things at once...or avoiding eye contact during an uncomfortable conversation?

Probably both, but Zoro was only going to call Sanji out on the later.

"We both need to be in the same room," Zoro said. "Otherwise I might as well be talking to myself."

"Why?"

"I need to know you're listening," Zoro argued.

"I am listening."

"I want proof then."

"You've yet to deliver me mine, so I see no reason to give you any in return," Sanji barked back.

Zoro opened his mouth, trying to think of some sort of comeback. He stared at his backpack that lay on the floor by the coffee table and then back over to the kitchen. He had proof!

"I actually spent all Wednesday looking up information," Zoro said. He got up from the couch and grabbed his bag. "I told you on Thursday."

There was no reply.

"We're never going to get anywhere," Zoro yelled.

Still no reply.

Zoro was already loathing this. He couldn't go five minutes without Sanji getting on his nerves. Zoro didn't care that Sanji wanted to kill himself right now-he was going to kill the man himself.

"And what do you do when your friends ask how you're feeling?" Zoro yelled. He pulled out the folder full of papers and walked over to the kitchen. His hands gripped tightly on the folder and Zoro could hear the paper crumbling in his hard grasp.

Zoro walked into the kitchen. He saw Sanji slumped against the wall at the very end of the kitchen. His arms were crossed, but his face was solemn and soft. He was looking up and away from Zoro, from the chopped vegetables, from the sink full of dishes. Between his index and middle finger was an unlit cigarette, twirling from side to side as Sanji played with it.

"Does it bother you that you lie to them all the time?" Zoro asked.

"Of course it does," Sanji replied. He glimpsed over and frowned. "But it's better than having them worry about me all day long."

"You really think they can't tell?" Zoro asked.

Sanji shook his head.

"I think Usopp noticed, yesterday," he muttered.

"Usopp?"

"We share this apartment," Sanji answered. "He's a senior right now." Sanji smiled a bit and looked over at Zoro. "He's a really nice guy…he asked if I was feeling ok. I overslept. I guess I got sucked in…"

"What did you tell him?"

"That it was nothing worth worrying about," Sanji answered. "And it wasn't. I have them all the time. He didn't have to worry about something so menial."

"Menial, huh?" Zoro rolled his eyes. "What a stupid thing to say."

"How so?"

"You're killing yourself over this," Zoro said. "How is something like that considered menial?" Zoro sighed and walked over to the table, letting the folder full of information drop. "You're just being a selfish idiot."

"Right, so it was better for me to tell him that I have nightmares all the time, so no worries?" Sanji snapped back. "I'm not going to ruin his day over something not worth mentioning…besides, it's just not his problem."

"He's your friend, isn't he?" Zoro asked.

"Yeah."

Sanji lowered his head a bit.

"And once you go, don't you think he'll be stuck with a few loose ends?"

The blonde murmured a few words to himself. Sanji uncomfortably played with the small cigarette.

"This is why we need to work together," Zoro said. "That way I can figure something out, and we don't have to deal with your drama-because then there won't be any."

"Do you even know what you're doing?" Sanji asked. He sounded as though he was really curious about what little progress Zoro had made since going to the library.

"I told you everything yesterday," Zoro said. "I can only stick with the basics till I get your symptoms all figured out." He looked over to the table and then over at the kitchenware. "How long will it take you to prepare…dinner?"

Sanji stared at the food and then took a deep breath, releasing the air out and calming himself down. Zoro could see the angst and anxiety decrease as Sanji exhaled. And that face he couldn't stand to look at seemed so much more bearable.

"It can wait," Sanji said. "I was just cooking to avoid you."

Zoro smirked.

"A nervous habit?"

"A hobby," Sanji answered. He placed the cigarette in his pocket and then walked over to the table. "I enjoy cooking."

"You good at cooking?" Zoro asked. He sat himself down at the table and watched Sanji settle himself down.

"Of course," Sanji said casually. His expression held no pride.

"Is it hard?"

"No, it's quite fun," Sanji said, smiling a bit. "It helps relieve stress, helps me forget things."

"And your dreams?"

"Makes the food taste bland," Sanji said, looking down. "Or, at least it does for me. Hard to taste when your mouth and throat are dry from stress. Everything tastes the same."

"What did you dream about last night?" Zoro persisted on.

"Still on that?" Sanji asked.

"I need to start somewhere," Zoro answered. "And I doubt you'll want me around when your friends come over. Better get this over with as soon as you can."

Sanji lowered his gaze and stared at the folder.

Zoro watched as the folder was pulled away from his side of the table. He didn't say anything as Sanji opened it up and began to flip through the pages that Zoro had printed out. Sanji didn't stop to read anything. He skimmed through the pages, not paying too much attention to a particular page. Zoro leaned a bit into his seat as he continued to wait for some sort of response from Sanji.

It was quiet. The television wasn't on. The sounds of food being cut and prepared had stopped for quite some time now. All Zoro could hear was Sanji flipping through the sheets of paper. And it was getting to him.

"Do you want to write it down?" Zoro suggested.

"What?" Sanji asked, looking up. He stopped flipping through the pages. Thank god.

"If you don't feel comfortable saying it," Zoro said, "you could always write it down."

Sanji dropped the one sheet he had held on his hand. He looked down at the sheets and stared at them for a few moments, thinking to himself. Zoro wished he knew what was going on in his head right now. It would be so much easier to know, rather than helplessly wait for Sanji to actually say something. He couldn't stand the waiting. Especially without ever receiving the answer. Sanji hadn't told him a thing yet, aside from what he had mentioned on Wednesday.

Wednesday…

"Do you always wake up knowing whether or not you're still dreaming?" Zoro asked.

"I know I'm awake." Sanji said.

"And you know where you are?" Zoro then asked.

"Yeah," Sanji asked.

"Why is it you can tell me these things, but not the dream?" Zoro asked in an angered tone.

Sanji glared at Zoro.

"And what's with that face?" Zoro asked, smiling. "You think giving me a dirty look will scare me off?" He laughed a bit. "Pathetic."'

"Says the guy who was crying a few days ago," Sanji remarked.

"You did too," Zoro quickly pointed out. "And a lot more than I ever did."

"Whatever," Sanji said, waving his hand at Zoro.

"Why'd you make out with Robin?" Zoro asked.

Sanji stopped waving and stared hard at Zoro. Zoro stared back, confused over what he had just asked. That was a really stupid question. Didn't he and Sanji go over this a few days ago? Yes. So why was he asking again?

"I think you make her feel guilty," Zoro said.

Sanji despairingly looked at his hands, his fingers trailing across the papers that had spread themselves on the table.

"Did you tell her about me?" he asked.

"No," Zoro said. "Nobody knows about this."

"Thank you," Sanji said, smiling sadly at Zoro.

"Just, please, write something down," Zoro said. He sighed. "Anything…before your friends come."

"I really don't feel like it," Sanji said. He was being more honest than snide. Zoro could forgive him easily for that. He could, but he now was not the time to. Zoro needed something to work with. There was no way he could read through all the pages he had copied, and he knew not everything he had printed was full of valuable information. He had to know what was going on in Sanji's head. There was no way in hell he was going to help Sanji kill himself.

"Yeah, well, you're gonna have to do it," Zoro said.

"You said I had a say in what you are allowed to do," Sanji then said.

"I also said I'd tell everyone about your problem," Zoro replied without the slightest bit of emotion.

Sanji murmured to himself, looking quite uncomfortable in his situation.

"We're never going to get anywhere," Zoro complained.

"I know," Sanji said, sighing.

…

"Well," Sanji asked.

"Well what?" Zoro asked back.

"Give me a piece of paper," Sanji said. He looked away from Zoro, pissed and upset over the argument.

Zoro nod his head. He got up from the table and walked over to his bag, making a small glance at the clock that hung high on the wall.

It wasn't even noon yet.

* * *

It was so strange how well he could get along with Zoro. They could talk to one each other without struggle. The talk they had shared about college, though it ended quite badly, proved to Sanji how well they could get along with one another. If things were normal. If Zoro was just another person, met through normal circumstances, Sanji was sure there would be little conflict between the two. They could have probably been friends. If he never met him this way, they would have been friends. Sanji was becoming very sure of himself of this thought. There were a few things that did annoy him; his attitude, persistence, and dumb-ass comments…but nobody was perfect. Heck, it was these very same flaws that attracted him to Luffy in the first place. Sanji almost wished that he could introduce the two together. They'd make decent friends. Very good friends.

"Almost done," he heard Zoro ask from across the table.

Sanji stared at the few lines of work he had produced in the half hour he had been working. It was a pitiful amount of words.

"Go back to studying," Sanji answered, lowering his gaze back to the few sheets of lined paper he had been given. He wasn't sure how he would be able to fill out a page, let alone three.

His eyes lifted a bit, and he looked over and stared silently at the green haired man. Zoro was reading one of his textbooks. Sanji didn't mind so much. He had told Zoro it would take a while for him to write everything out. And Sanji knew Zoro didn't want to be here, having to deal with his bad behavior and constant bickering. That's why he had brought those books, wasn't it. Zoro must have suspected that the day would not go well, and that there was a great difference between texting on a phone and actually speaking one on one with another human. Zoro had no problem pulling out his Chemistry book, and Sanji had no problem with it either.

This was not looking all too hopeful.

Sanji looked at the few lines he had written.

Not hopeful at all.

Was it so hard to just write down what he had dreamt? He remembered every single moment. He could remember all the horrible sensations, the emotional and physical pain that it had produced while he dreamt. Every little detail about the world; he remembered everything that had happened, everything that occurred around him while it happened, and more. Yet he was having a tremendous difficulty writing it all down. He wrote such simple sentences, some incomplete, that barely went over anything. All he had written was a given. There was nothing really worth reading.

"Fuck," Sanji said aloud. He grabbed the sheet and began to crumble it up.

"What are you doing?" He heard Zoro ask.

Sanji grumbled a few curses as he tossed the crumbled ball into the trash bin. He was more than sure that nobody would go digging through it.

"Starting over," he answered angrily.

"You misspelled something?"

Sanji looked at the pen in his hand and groaned.

"No, I just need to start over," Sanji said. "Idiot."

"How am I an idiot?" Zoro asked.

"Because you are," Sanji said, rewriting on the new sheet of paper. "Now shut up. I can concentrate with your stupid voice clogging my thoughts."

Sanji knew he was testing Zoro's patience. He didn't care. If Zoro couldn't handle it then maybe he should just leave. In fact, Zoro shouldn't even be here. He needed to go. Sanji wasn't getting any better with him around. He would never get better, with or without help.

Sanji felt his throat dry up and tighten. It started to sting. It was getting harder to breath.

He hated this. He hated these feelings and he wished they'd go away. How on earth was he supposed to want to get up in the morning when he didn't feel like living? Sanji didn't think there was such a feeling as giving up on life until now. And it felt awful. He felt so full of negative emotions, his chest felt heavy and there was no where for him to vent it out. And he was also empty. Very empty. Nothing was pulling forward except his own weight. And he was being dragged. He couldn't go on with his sheer will, because there was hardly any will to take him anywhere. The only reason he bothered getting up from his bed was because he was afraid that he'd fall sleep and go through another death all over again.

He was living to die.

Sanji looked at the words he had written down and felt like tearing the paper into thousands of little pieces. He didn't want Zoro to read these words. He didn't want anybody to read these words. He lifted up the sheet and read what he had written over and over again. It was amazing what a little inspiration could produce. It made Sanji sick to his stomach that he had produced such a work of art.

"Here," Sanji said. He folded the paper in half and handed it over to Zoro. "Don't read it right now."

Zoro, who was just about to unfold the paper, looked to Sanji.

"Why not?" He asked.

Sanji rested his head on his arms, burying his face in between them. He stared at the table cloth and closed his eyes.

"We can talk about it later, ok," he said in a demanding tone.

Surprisingly, he didn't get an argument from the younger man.

"Alright then," he heard Zoro say.

Sanji bit his lip and kept himself from saying a word or sound.

"Does cooking make you feel better?" Zoro asked.

"Yeah," he answered.

"You really like cooking?" Zoro then asked.

"Mhmm," Sanji said loudly. His eyes burned a bit.

It's so scary. It feels so good to let everything out, but it was so scary. What would Zoro think when he read those words? And why did Sanji give him something that could be used against him?

Was he so stupid-?

Sanji's hand clenched tight at the thought.

Desperate?

"Do you want me to leave?"

Sanji looked up.

"No!" he yelled.

Zoro looked at him nervously.

"I'll make you something for lunch," Sanji said. He forced a smile on his face. "It's almost noon."

"You don't have to," Zoro said.

Sanji got up from his chair and hurriedly walked over to the kitchen. He'd make something nice for Zoro, the guy he could barely stand. He wanted to kill him.

Already he was so attached to him.

Sanji opened the door to the small fridge and surveyed through it. What would Zoro like? He didn't know. Did it matter? Hell yes.

"Are there times when you don't feel like cooking?"

Sanji went through the fridge and picked up a few ingredients. He'd make something light. It was Friday after all. Usopp would bring Luffy and perhaps Kaya as well. He'd have to cook up something for everyone to eat and share with, save Luffy. He didn't want Zoro to be left out.

Maybe things will get better. He promised he wouldn't tell a soul, and he's kept it so far. He may hate you, and you may not get along with him, but at least there's some respect. That's more than what you could ever ask for. He won't read it till he leaves. The two fo you can just talk now. You can tell him it'll make you feel better. Like friends. He might argue with you later, but it'll be better than anything else.

So much better.

"Sometimes," Sanji said, standing up. He looked at Zoro. "But I'm feeling alright now."

Zoro broke eye contact from him and looked around the kitchen that Sanji had hid himself in. Sanji knew it was small. Sanji knew that an apartment kitchen meant lacking the finer things. He knew being on financial aid, even with a job, meant ingredients that weren't superior. Sanji knew Zoro was staring at the bright bell peppers in his hand.

Zoro smiled.

"That's good."


	8. Friends

"Kaya!" Sanji said in what had to be the most obnoxious tone Zoro had ever heard. He looked up and saw the blonde emerge from the kitchen, holding a platter of snacks. Zoro couldn't help but notice the demented look on Sanji's face, as though he had bee possessed by something. He no longer looked solemn or emotionless; now he had a huge stupid grin on his face. His eyes were lit up and he practically glided over the young girl that sat on the sofa, lowering the platter full of colorful treats.

Zoro had never been predisposed to bland, vegan dishes, but had always figured them to be so. To replace red meat with off-white tofu, rice, or almonds seemed unnatural and strange to Zoro, not to mention gross. He had seen Sanji prepare half of this stuff, but he was still impressed by the quality and color, not to mention overall appeal, of the food he was serving Kaya. It actually looked good.

"Wow Sanji," Usopp said with a huge grin. "You really outdid yourself there."

"Nothing is too much for sweet Kaya," Sanji replied, stilling grinning stupidly at the girl. Zoro couldn't help but wonder if Sanji was flirting with her. He was told that Usopp and Kaya were together, but there was no way this was considered "normal" behavior.

"Thank you," Kaya said with a smile.

"Sanji," the boy next to him whined. His name was…Luffy? Yeah, it was Luffy. "Tell me you made something with meat in it?"

"What?" Sanji's wonderfully idiotic demeanor instantly vanished when he made eye contact with Luffy. "Really Luffy, I'm trying to serve Kaya here. Be patient!" Sanji then turned to the girl and put back on that stupid smile. "I'm so sorry, Kaya."

"That's alright," she replied.

"But Sanji," the boy whined.

"Be grateful I even decided to make something for you," Sanji said to the boy. He made his way over to the kitchen, but not before giving another swoon at Kaya. How on earth Usopp could ignore this was beyond Zoro's reasoning.

For friends, these two sure did act odd with one another.

Shortly after Zoro had eaten and continued his talk with Sanji, Zoro was greeted by these three. Usopp, Luffy and Kaya. Usopp was Sanji's roommate, Kaya was his saint of a girlfriend, and Luffy was the loud happy one. All of them welcomed Zoro without question. At first Zoro wondered whether it was out of ignorance, and even considered testing the three to see if they were the kind to notice suspicious behavior. But they were kind. And they trusted him. And he tossed the thought aside as they acted as though they had known him for ages, and that his presence wasn't anything unusual.

Suddenly, Zoro saw two brown eyes suddenly staring at him, causing him to back up just a bit from surprise.

"Zoro," Luffy whined, "You watched Sanji cook right? Tell me Sanji made something tasty?"

Zoro's jaw dropped. He barely knew this kid and already Luffy was addressing him as though he knew him for years. It was strange. Zoro didn't know anybody like that.

"I think you spooked him," he heard Usopp say with a laugh.

"Nuh-uh," Luffy said. He looked back to Zoro and smiled. "I didn't freak you out now, did I?" he asked with a small laugh.

"Uhm…"

"Luffy, stop harassing the guest," Sanji barked from within the kitchen.

"I'm not harassing him," Luffy replied ever so casually. "Me and Zoro were just talking!"

"Zoro and I, Luffy," Usopp said.

"So Zoro," Luffy said, ignoring the other boy's remark. "You and Sanji are friends at college? He never mentioned you before? Did you just meet?"

Zoro felt his face heat up as he desperately tried to think of an answer. Of course the kid had to ask _that_ question right off the bat. Luffy had spoken loud enough, he was sure Sanji had heard the question as well.

Hopefully…

"I'm tutoring him," he heard Sanji's voice say.

Zoro turned and eyed the blonde who had reappeared with a plate full of treats, hopefully for Luffy.

"What?"

"I'm helping him with his Chemistry," Sanji said with a smirk. "He's awful at it…might have to charge double."

"You need help with Chemistry?" He heard Usopp ask.

Zoro lowered his head, feeling his face turn a beat red. Well, yeah, he was pretty lousy at the subject, there was no denying that. But how dare Sanji come up with _that_ as their excuse for knowing each other.

"Does he," Sanji said with a laugh. He placed the small platter of rolls, quiches, and tarts on the table. Almost immediately Zoro watched them disappear as Luffy began to devour them. "You should see his worksheet; he can barely do simple equations."

Zoro glared up at Sanji.

"I saw them," Sanji said, his visible eye looking back at Zoro. "You really need to be careful…otherwise you'll blow up your lab."

Zoro forced a dry smile on his face.

"I'll try not to," he hissed between his teeth.

"Are you really that bad?" Usopp asked. "If you want, I could lend some help. I'm taking Chem now and have pretty decent grades."

"No, that's fine," Zoro muttered.

"Sure? I won't overcharge you like Sanji probably is," he heard Usopp say with a small laugh.

Zoro smirked, "nah, its ok. Sanji isn't asking for much, with me helping him with his Political Science work."

"Excuse me?" Sanji asked.

"Oh, you're helping Sanji too?" Kaya asked. She smiled kindly at Zoro. "That's so sweet of you."

"Yeah," Luffy added. "Especially since Sanji isn't so good at it either!"

"What?" Sanji said. "What do you mean I'm not good at it?" He folded his arms and leaned forward, glaring at Luffy. The boy still kept his welcoming smile, not seeming to take notice in the blonde's apparent anger. "I'm getting a "C" in that class, that's passing. It's not even a low one either!"

"Still could use improvement though," Zoro said. "Never settle for a "C", not when you can do better."

"It's great that you guys are helping each other out," Luffy exclaimed.

"Whatever, Luffy," Sanji said, his eye still locked on to Zoro. "Anyways, I'll be helping moss-head here a lot more than he'll be helping me. This guys practically hopele-"

"Moss-head?" Zoro asked angrily.

"I'm just calling it by the way I see it," Sanji said in a rather casual tone.

"You wanna know what I see?" Zoro asked.

"Tell me…"

Zoro eyed Sanji. Sanji was confident enough to know that he wouldn't blab about his emotional issues. Zoro was far too mature to do something so low and pathetic. And why play with another man's emotions like that? Zoro was better than that.

But he was surprised how well Sanji was playing here. He had a very difficult time believing that Sanji was just happy being with everyone. He had been so hard to work with before. Sanji was acting. All of this was him acting and playing a part that his friends expected him to play. He'd smile in front of that girl, and act like an ass to that Luffy boy, but in real life he was still torn and confused about his being. The only thing that came close to real was him and Sanji arguing with each other.

"H-hey guys," Usopp said in a nervous tone. "Let's not fight here. We have a whole night ahead of ourselves…why not spend it having fun?"

"Boys," Kaya said in a stern, yet soft tone. "Please…"

"I'm so sorry, Kaya," Sanji said, holding the girls hands. His voice had to be several pitches higher. "I promise it won't happen again!" It was like he was talking to a baby. Or a puppy.

"I'm sorry," Zoro said to the girl. He was a guest, and the last thing he wanted was to make a bad impression. After all, he was going to be working with Sanji; the last thing he wanted was for his friends to be questioning their relationship.

"That's alright, Zoro," Kaya said.

"Yeah," Usopp said with a laugh. "Sides, it was Sanji's fault to begin with."

"What was that?" Sanji asked.

"N-nothing!" Usopp quickly defended himself.

Sanji rolled his eye before sitting himself down. Neither he nor Zoro made eye contact with each other.

"So, Sanji," Luffy said, his mouth was stuffed to the brim with snacks. "Do you and Zoro go to the same college?"

"What? No," Sanji replied. He turned to Zoro, "you go to that…one university?"

"East," Zoro replied.

"That's a really good university," Kaya said, lifting her cup and taking a sip of her drink. "Was it hard to get in," she asked curiously.

"Hmm, well, not really," Zoro replied.

"That's so cool," Luffy said excitedly. "Is it really big?"

"Yeah," Zoro answered. He couldn't help but crack a smile at the boy's eagerness.

"What's it like?" Luffy continued to ask. His eyes glowed from excitement.

"Very different from high school," Zoro answered.

"Of course," Usopp said. "I bet you have to study a lot more, huh?" He folded his arms and turned to Sanji. "but then, Sanji doesn't' really study so much these days, except for French."

"It depends on the class," Sanji said, poking Usopp on the nose. "And your major. I already told you."

"Studying too much wears you down," Zoro answered.

Totally true. Zoro had tried to cram before, only exhausting himself and making exams even more difficult. It was just so much easier to take his times with things. For the most part, his grades were ok, not counting his one class-

"Yeah, but it keeps the grades up," Usopp said. "And both of you are helping each other right now."

"Guess that means you weren't studying when you should have been," Luffy laughed.

Wow, these guys could be real smartasses!

Zoro smirked at Luffy. The kid was really beginning to surprise him.

"Luffy," Sanji hissed. "Don't eat all the ham and cheese tarts!" He swiped his hand at Luffy, "Foods supposed to be for everyone!"

"But it tastes good," Luffy whined. "Plus I'm really hungry!"

"Didn't eat at school?" Zoro asked.

"Huh, no I ate," Luffy said, turning his attention back to Zoro.

"Luffy's stomach is a black hole," Usopp exclaimed. "You should see how much he can scarf down in just one sitting."

"But Luffy," Kaya said, "remember we're going out later. Try not to eat too much or you won't be hungry when we decide what to get."

"Don't worry Kaya," Luffy said, nabbing a few more treats, this time from Kaya's platter.

"Don't steal Kaya's food!" Sanji pushed Luffy away from the platter.

He acted so natural amongst them. Zoro took a sip of his coke and watched the blonde go at it with Luffy. He certainly didn't look like someone who had attempted suicide several days ago. It was an amazing rouse, no wonder his friends didn't notice anything was going on. They weren't bad people, they weren't stupid, ignorant or in denial; Sanji was just a great actor.

"Zoro, you like pizza, right?"

"Huh?" Zoro asked.

"Pizza," Usopp said.

"Yeah, of course," Zoro answered.

"Pizza?" Sanji questioned. "Why go out for pizza? I can just whip something up right now."

"It's Friday, Sanji! We need to go out," Luffy said, grabbing on to the blonde. "Sides, I haven't seen you all week long!"

Zoro noticed Sanji's face pale a bit upon hearing Luffy's words. Guilt. Good. Zoro needed to know just how much, or little, Sanji cared about his life. Seeing him worry over his friends was a great sign. A part of him was still clinging to life.

"Maybe we should let Zoro decide," Kaya said, looking over at Zoro.

"I'm cool with whatever," Zoro said, still watching Sanji and Luffy mess around with each other.

"I wanna get pizza," Luffy declared. He leaned in a bit and picked up the laptop that still lay on the table. "Usopp, did you fix this yet? We can watch Netflix movies again, right?"

"Nope," Sanji said.

"I have no idea what's wrong with it," Usopp said, producing a weak smile.

"Shouldn't have dropped it," Sanji said with a smirk.

"I don't see how you can smile," Usopp said, "I mean…it's your laptop."

Zoro nearly choked on the air he was breathing.

"I barely ever used it," Sanji said with a cocky smile. "And it's not like I have time to play with it; I got a job and class."

Sanji did sound just a little upset. Zoro couldn't just point it at the obvious though.

It seemed wrong. Everyone here was so nice and welcoming. He was being treated like a friend, but Zoro was lying to them all. No, it was Sanji that was lying to them, and Zoro was enabling it. Everyone here though he and Sanji were friends that were helping one another out; what would happen if they found out Zoro was trying to get Sanji out of his suicidal tendencies? What if they knew about his nightmares, about his eternal conflict over whether life was worth living? How would they feel if they knew as much as he did, as little as it was? That he promised t help Sanji, or let him kill himself…even help him get away with the act?

Zoro was horrible. He was a terrible person for not opening his mouth and telling them that everything going on right now was a sham. The games, food, movies; all of it was a lie that Sanji was playing to make everything seem normal.

The only bright side from this was that Sanji was still willing to play it though. He didn't want to see his friends hurt. That was something Zoro could use later. He was lucky Sanji let him stay and meet everyone. He could get to know them better tonight, and hopefully learn more about Sanji as well. He only had so much time before Sanji's wasted patience drew to an end.

* * *

"Wasn't it cold when you got here?" Zoro asked as he followed Luffy over to the Prius. The brand new Prius. It had been a few hours since Zoro had met Luffy, but already the boy seemed very familiar to Zoro. And Luffy seemed rather akin to the feeling. "Seriously, how could you forget something as important as your jacket? It's almost December."

Everyone was getting ready to go out; their destination was some arcade by the beach. Cheap food and expensive thrills; everyone thought it would be a great way to waste the rest of the day. Kaya even took the opportunity to call and invite that Nami girl that Zoro had heard a few days ago on Sanji's voicemail.

"I didn't notice till now," Luffy said, fiddling with the keys and opening the door.

"I don't see how…"

Sanji had decided that it would be better to use his car, since he still had more than half a tank to spare. Which brought Luffy and Zoro to where they were now. Kaya had parked her small car in front of the properly, right next to his. Somehow Luffy had managed to leave his jacket in the car. It was barely fifty, the wind was blowing, yet somehow the kid forgot to bring his jacket in. Never mind that he remembered his old, worn out straw hat, which would do nothing for him in the weather.

"I hope Camie and Conis come along!" Luffy hummed happily as he put on his jacket.

"More of your friends?" Zoro asked.

"Yeah! They're really nice," Luffy said. "I think you'll get along great with them."

"You don't say," Zoro muttered. He had a feeling Luffy would say something along those lines. The boy was extremely upbeat.

"Sure," Luffy went on. He closed the door and locked it, turning to Zoro. "The first time Usopp, Sanji and I went there we met them. It was Nami's birthday, and she brought along Kaya and everyone."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh," Luffy said. "They were all playing karaoke together, right by the bar."

Zoro immediately took interest upon hearing the very last word.

"There's a bar?"

"Yep, and Usopp and Sanji tried to get drinks, but almost got caught," Luffy said. "But Nami's older sister bailed them out-it was pretty funny." He and Zoro walked over to the gate, waiting for Sanji's car to pull up. "Nami said she'd get both of them drinks if they paid her, plus interest."

What a smart bitch. Zoro couldn't help but laugh at the very thought.

"And then Nojiko-that's Nami's sister-said they should do karaoke instead, and if they did a good enough job she'd buy them both a drink," Luffy continued.

"What a bitch," Zoro said with a smirk.

Luffy just stared.

"I meant the situation," Zoro said. He paused for a moment and then asked, "so, which one did they do?"

"Usopp sang," Luffy said, "and Sanji paid Nami for the drink, plus the extra." Luffy smiled. "Kaya was there too. She was really supportive for Usopp. He was pretty scared to sing in front of everyone, but I think she really helped him out."

That Kaya girl? So, Usopp met his girlfriend for the first time at that arcade? And they were still together now? Something about it, though it was sorta cheesy, was really nice.

"They make a cute couple," Zoro said.

"I'm glad Usopp and Kaya are together," Luffy said, "they're both good people."

"You got a girlfriend, Luffy?" Zoro asked.

The boy's smile remained as Luffy shook his head.

"Nope," he answered.

"Really?" Zoro asked.

"Nah, I'm not really looking for a girl right now," Luffy said. He crossed his arms. "I don't think I'm ready for one right now. So I'll wait. If I get a girlfriend now we wouldn't get along well."

"Huh," Zoro muttered. "That's…surprisingly mature of you."

Luffy chuckled.

"I can be when I need to," he said. "I like to have fun, but I know when I have to be serious."

Zoro smiled. He could see the car approaching and the gate opening up.

There was still a part of him that wasn't looking forward to the long night. So far everyone trusted him, but he was sure something stupid would happen. Nothing was ever that easy.

What would Sanji do tonight, Zoro thought to himself. He could play pretend for only so long before exhausting himself. And Zoro knew a lie would only work for so long until someone noticed a weakened link. Eventually something wouldn't add up. Would Sanji hide himself in a corner after an hour? Could he keep that smile on his face all night long? Even worse; what if he got drunk and said something bad?

"Hey Zoro, do you have a girlfriend?"

He hadn't expected that.

"What?"

"We can pick her up on the way to the arcade," Luffy said. "We'll just have to squeeze in-"

"I'm not really…" Zoro trailed off, almost forgetting what he was about to say. He stopped himself. He didn't really know Luffy all that well to just answer that question. Not without risking some sort of consequence. "I'm not dating right now," he said, looking away from the boy.

Honestly, he trusted Luffy; but he didn't see any reason to talk about his personal life to someone who he may not see again. He was in a hurry to learn about Sanji, not his friends. Zoro wasn't afraid to talk about, he had past that point a long time ago; but why talk about it to Luffy? In case it wasn't accepted in the group, he'd just play the role that they assumed him to be.

"Ok," he heard Luffy say. Zoro kept his eyes on the car. Away from Luffy, in case he may have given off any hints.

He almost felt hurt about lying to Luffy. But then, he'd have to keep lying, and it wasn't like he had been completely honest to begin with anyways.

* * *

The arcade was terribly loud. But Zoro didn't mind the sounds of games being played, be it first person shooter or god forsaken DDR, and he could even handle the karaoke, which was really saying something.

After two hours of being dragged around by someone, none of them being Sanji, Zoro had finally fond some time to relax.

Things were going rather well….not counting that he and Sanji had hardly spoken to each other since the drive over to the pier. Since their arrival, the two barely shared a few sentences with one another, and most of it was with the presence of another person; so it was usually off the main topic. Most of the time Zoro was with someone else, playing Co-op with them on some sort of arcade game.

The rest of the night Zoro was never asked about his relationship with Sanji. Nami and Conis, who had met up with them later on, were introduced to him as just a "friend" by Luffy. He didn't mention anything else. Zoro was just another friend, and both girls took it as it was without any question.

It was relieving…and, although Zoro would never say it, really heart warming. It only made him feel worse about not being more honest with Luffy. He was already a member of the group, even though he had said he was nothing more than a tutor who needed tutoring. Both Nami and Conis treated him the same as everyone else.

…?

What the hell was wrong with Sanji?

Zoro stared down at his drink, finding it difficult to finish the remaining half.

Sanji had great friends. Everyone here was understanding. Everyone. Even that Nami girl; who had to be one of the biggest cheapskates Zoro ever came across.

And yet he was unwilling to talk to anyone of them.

Zoro didn't understand why. Why couldn't he pull one of them into a private area and just tell them he wasn't feeling all too happy? Or just say that he's been depressed? It wasn't like he had to talk about those nightmares of his. Just mentioning that he wasn't feeling well would be enough. Zoro was sure they'd listen. These were good people.

"And where are you two going?" Nami asked with a large grin.

Zoro lifted his head up, turning to the girl sitting next to him. Her face was pink, probably from the amount of alcohol that she had purchased through her fake I.D. Zoro didn't care; it was alcohol. She pointed at Kaya and Usopp, both of which were walking over to the double doors.

"We're just going for a small walk," Kaya said, her face turning a bright pink. She looked up at Usopp and smiled. "We'll be back in a few."

"You better be," the girl said, raising a brow at the two.

"Oh, Nami," Conis said, shaking her head.

"Don't give me that look," Nami said with a loud laugh. She turned to Zoro and continued her laughing. "You know, right?"

Zoro didn't respond.

"They're totally….doing it," she giggled.

Ok…Zoro did smile; just a little. Not because Nami was funny or anything, but because she was so obviously wasted.

"Nami!" Conis said, crossing her arms.

"It's true," Nami said.

"Ugh," Conis sighed. She looked at Zoro and frowned. "I'm sorry; she's normally not like this."

"It's fine," Zoro said.

"She's been really busy with midterms," the girl shyly added on. "She just wanted to relax tonight. Trust me when I say she's usually more-"

"Really, its fine," Zoro said, chuckling just a bit.

He looked over and stared into the small crowds of people, wondering where the blonde was. He had pretty happy to see this Nami girl; the two pent the first hour with each other. Zoro was sure there was something going on, but now Sanji was nowhere to be seen.

Maybe he was finally tired of pretending?

Zoro needed to talk to Sanji. Perhaps he could get him to reconsider talking to one of his friends. Zoro had lied to his own friends before, but never over something so serious. Usually little things…but then sometimes he'd talk to them later about it. Sanji had to be used to lying to them constantly if this didn't bother him at all. He didn't even show any signs that there was anything wrong. Weren't people supposed to act depressed or treat occasions like this special, as if they were their last?

Zoro knelt back and stared outside the building. Sanji was nowhere inside…he had to be outside.

Hopefully he was alone.

Zoro stood up and carefully made his way out of the bar, trying not to catch too much attention. Drunken girls could get rather loud.

* * *

Sanji leaned against the railing, staring out to the distant Ferris-wheel, watching bright lights going on and off. He pulled a cigarette from the pack and proceeded to light it, his fingers trembling over the lighter before successfully lighting it up and inhaling the hot fumes.

Everybody was happy. They were all getting along with Zoro.

He let a stream of smoke trail out between his lips. Sanji watched the smoke disappear into the dark sky. He let his body slump, feeling his rushed heartbeat slow down after two hours of stress and an overheated building full of lively people.

For the first time ever Nami had been the one to run up and give him a hug. He was usually the one that was so happy to see her, who would practically skip over and drown her with attention, begging for some sort of physical contact; not her. She had missed him. And she felt bad for it too.

Although he didn't show it, Sanji was torn. He felt himself being ripped and shredded; he could hear his body break apart as his sides pulled in two different directions. The guilt made his chest feel heavy and sick, but at the same time he felt happy to see her. Half of him took her welcome as though it were a special act of kindness, while the other half crumpled to the floor.

She was so beautiful. But during the time they spent together all Sanji could think about, all he envisioned was her face drenched in tears. Her smooth and soft cheeks; raw and wet after hours of crying and being soaked in salty wet tears. Those small hands trembling in denial, those long perfect fingers clenched and hidden while she was tormented in frustration. It was like he was experiencing another nightmare. He'd watch her try to win a prize while seeing her collapsing upon hearing the news of his demise. Her beauty would wear out and her skin would be so pale from the stress and misery he would cause.

She would never forgive him for that...

"Hey, Sanji."

Sanji held his breath, a smile appearing on his face as he turned around and stared at a shivering Luffy. Despite the jacket, the boy was still very cold. It didn't help that he was wearing sandals…

"Luffy," Sanji said, "you done playing House of the Dead?" He walked over to Luffy, keeping his breathing and movement as smooth as ever. "Shouldn't you be eating shitty food right now?"

"I spent all my money," Luffy muttered disdainfully.

"Your Gramps will not be pleased," Sanji laughed.

Luffy's face paled just a little. Sanji smirked, placing a hand on the boy before messing with his raven colored hair.

"Sooo, what brings you out here?" Sanji asked. "It's freezing out here!"

"You were all alone," Luffy said.

"I needed a smoke," Sanji replied.

"And it's not that cold," Luffy said, removing his arms from his body and swatting away Sanji's free hand. His body rapidly shook and Sanji could see the boy's feet curl inwards from the prickled weather. "I-I mean, Kaya and Usopp are both walking around outside too…"

Sanji watched steam exit from the boy's mouth. His legs twitched and shook from the cold.

"You do crazy shit when you're in love," Sanji said. "You, on the other hand, will get pneumonia if you're not careful."

"Aww," Luffy whined. "You're no fun."

"I'm responsible," Sanji said.

"Stop smoking," Luffy complained. "You need to come back inside. After all, we haven't seen Conis in practically a month…"

"Yeah, I know," Sanji said. "I'm surprised she made it."

"I'm not," Luffy said.

"You're not?"

"Conis is our friend," Luffy said, grabbing on to the railing. "She cares about us. Even though she's busy, she'll try to make some time for us-because we're important to her…"

The words stung like ice. Sanji almost felt like he was being attacked, accused, and blamed for what had happened several days ago.

Suddenly, Sanji's vision blurred. The dark sky lightened up, and the starry night was replaced with the familiar clouds that had filled the sky on the day he had planned to die. He could hear sound of the current change to a more rapid one, with the cold wind blowing hard, pushing the water and forcing it in all directions. He could feel the snowflakes hitting his face as the wind changed directions.

His feet hurt. His body hurt. He felt his lungs heave with weight from the nonexistent water filling it. It stung and hurt, but he was more than used to it by now.

"Luffy," Sanji muttered.

"Yeah?" Luffy asked.

"That's a very childish thing to say," Sanji said. "You make Conis sound like a bad friend just because she can't always be there to entertain you." He dropped his cigarette and snuffed it out with his shoe. "People move on, she has a life. You have a life. One day she's going to disappear from your life, and you'll just have to get over it. Doesn't mean she's a bad person…"

"…I never said she was," Luffy hesitantly added.

"And Camie isn't here," Sanji added. "She couldn't make it."

"…Sanji?"

Sanji looked and saw Luffy's bothered expression. His usual smile was long gone, but there was still some confidence in his dark eyes.

"I'm sorry," Luffy said.

He was telling the truth. Sanji could hear the fault in his voice, even though there really wasn't any reason he should have been blamed.

"I should have thought about what I was saying."

It was strange to hear Luffy like this. It wasn't like him at all.

"…Luffy," Sanji said. He looked down and sighed, forcing himself to smile. "You…didn't have to take that seriously."

He was truly pathetic. He couldn't even think of anything better to say?

"Shit…"

Sanji grabbed at his hands, incapable of continuing the conversation. He let his fingers entangle, thinking nothing to himself as he felt his heart rush in a mixture of frustration and embarrassment.

"I shouldn't have said that," he muttered.

"It's ok," he heard Luffy reply.

Sanji looked up, frowning at the boy.

"You're stressed," Luffy said.

"I am," he answered. It was more than half the truth.

Luffy produced a small smile and approached him, "the semester's almost over. Everything will be back to normal, and you won't have to worry so much."

So Luffy didn't notice? Thank god. Sanji had worried for a moment whether his outbreak would cause some suspicion. He had forgotten that this was an outing; he had forgotten how to act in front of others. Luffy wasn't worried; so he managed to slip through this…just barely

"I can't wait," he said, his voice a little shaky.

"Don't worry," Luffy said, slapping a hand on Sanji's shoulder. "You'll do great this semester! And you have Zoro tutoring you too. You'll get good grades and then we can all hang out during break."

"Yeah," Sanji said. He sounded weak, pathetic. And unsure.

Depressed.

"Ok then," Luffy said. He skipped away from Sanji, his hand pointing over at the distant arcade building. "I'm going back inside? You finish smoking and then hurry back, and then you can buy me some nachos, ok?"

"Always thinking with your stomach?"

"Yep!"

Sanji smiled, giving the boy a nod before letting him go. He watched Luffy head toward the building, and then turned and stared out into the ocean.

Luffy would go back in and probably never mention this to anyone.

Thank god.

Thank god nobody noticed his peculiar outbreaks. No one saw his overly cleaned room as anything else but a need to keep things tidy. He was being extra nice because he simply missed everyone. He was just so happy to see everyone.

And he truly was. Sanji really didn't know where he would be next Monday. Not even with that little insurance Zoro provided for him.

And he personally wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

Zoro stood outside the building, helplessly looking around the surrounding area. There were closed stores and restaurants surrounding the area; Zoro knew he wouldn't stand a chance if he were to venture out. It was late at night, almost morning to be accurate; it would be too much of a hassle if he got lost now.

He took a few steps forward.

Where was Sanji? Had he decided to go to the town center? Or was he over at the beach….wherever that was? Or was it the docks? Zoro had no idea; he knew absolutely nothing about oceans.

He walked over to the side of the building, getting a batter look at the clear view ahead of him.

Even though it was dark Zoro could see the ocean. It was so close; all he had to do was cross the street and he'd be there. Zoro watched the lights of car pass by, illuminating the dark scenery for just a few brief seconds.

He couldn't see Sanji.

"Zoro!"

There was someone running up to him. Zoro squint his eyes, trying to get a better look at who it was.

"Luffy?" he muttered to himself.

The figure became more prominent, and Zoro could make out the messy raven hair and hear the sounds of sandals slipping through the pavement.

It was definitely Luffy. Who else worse sandals during a winter night?

"Hey Luffy," Zoro said. He watched the boy halt, stumbling a bit before standing up straight and smiling gleefully at him.

Zoro couldn't help but glance behind Luffy, checking-and hoping- that he wasn't alone. But he couldn't see anyone following him.

"So," he murmured, "what the hell were you doing, hmm? Taking an evening swim?"

"What? No," Luffy said, shaking his head, "it's freezing out here-"

"-says guy in shorts and sandals," Zoro commented.

"And I can't swim very well," Luffy frowned.

"You can't?" Zoro asked, surprised.

"No," Luffy replied. "I sink like a rock. Can't explain it…it's just always been that way." Luffy the crossed his arms and eagerly approached Zoro. "So, what are you doing outside? Smoking?"

"I don't smoke," Zoro said. He paused and recalled the very last word that boy had said; smoke. Did that mean Luffy was with Sanji?

"Come on, let's go inside," Luffy said, passing Zoro.

"Wait," Zoro said, walking past Luffy and making eye contact with him. "Do you know where Sanji is?"

"Hm?" Luffy asked. "Sanji?"

"Yeah," Zoro said, without thinking. He didn't bother to think of a reason. "I need to talk with him….about something." It was so obvious something was going on. So painfully obvious.

"Well, he's by the bike trail across the street," Luffy answered.

"Great," Zoro answered.

"But you should probably leave him alone right now," the boy quickly added.

Zoro was just about to leave when he felt his body shudder in horror at those words. His stiffly lowered his gaze and stared at Luffy.

The boy looked just a bit concerned.

"Why?" He asked.

"He's thinking," Luffy replied. He didn't sound confused or nervous. It was everything Zoro didn't expect. "I think he just needs to be alone right now, so wait till he gets back."

"You think he needs time alone?" Zoro felt his heat rate rush as he tried to imagine what went on while he was drinking and having fun.

"Yeah," Luffy said, his voice just a bit weaker. He was upset. That happy disposition was gone, and it was replaced with the tone of concern and worry. Worry for a friend.

"Luffy?"

"Hmm?" Luffy looked up.

Zoro knew what he was about to say might get him into trouble, but he was sure Luffy knew there was something going on. Perhaps Luffy didn't know what it was, but as long as one of the friends knew what was going on…then he could work with that.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

He watched the boy's expression struggle with his question. Luffy definitely knew there was something off, but he doubted that Luffy knew how to answer. Sanji was acting strange. He's not the same as he used to be. I'm not really sure…

"Sanji's just really stressed," Luffy finally replied. "He's been very busy, so he hasn't a lot of time to think and stuff."

"Think?" Zoro asked.

"Yeah," Luffy answered, this time his voice was steadier. "Give him more time to think, and he'll be fine again."

He didn't really know….but Luffy wasn't too far off. At least he recognized there was a problem. Zoro could use this later. Maybe Sanji would rethink things if someone else was willing to get involved in this mess of his.

"Ok," Zoro answered. He acted as though this were the usual occurrence, which it had to be. Luffy had to be somewhat used to this, depending on how long Sanji's been depressed. "I'll talk to him later. It can wait."

"Thanks," Luffy said. He sounded relieved to hear this.

"It's not a problem," Zoro answered. Well, it really was; but Zoro would have to deal with the cards he had. At least he learned something today.

Sanji had good friends…but wasn't using them.

"Hey Zoro?"

"Yeah?"

"You'll hang out more, right?"

Zoro turned and stared into hopeful eyes.

"Everyone really likes you," Luffy said, smiling at the older man.

"I'll think about it," Zoro answered sarcastically. He pointed at the building and began to walk over to it. "Come on…it's freezing out here."

"Alright," Luffy answered happily.

The two made their way to the building. Zoro wonder whether he would time to talk to Sanji tomorrow. Everyone was having fun; he wasn't going to bother Sanji if it meant putting everyone's night at risk. Did Sanji work tomorrow?

"Hey, Zoro," Luffy said in a hushed voice.

Zoro turned and raised a brow, "what?"

Luffy smirked.

"I think Nami likes you," he said with a light chuckle. "She's never offered a free drink to anyone before!" Luffy let a hand on Zoro's shoulder and grinned widely at him. "You should try asking her out."

Zoro stared at Luffy's hand.

The boy had wonderful intentions…

Zoro supposed he ought to know. Luffy was hoping to meet Zoro more in the future; it was better that something like this is absolved as soon as possible. Luffy seemed like an open enough guy, though Zoro could only hope he wouldn't freak out and consider him weird or a sort of threat.

"Luffy…" Zoro started. "…I don't like girls."

Luffy's eyes widened just a bit, and his happy expression shrank as it was replaced with that familiar awkward expression Zoro really hated.

"Oh…" he said.

"Yeah," Zoro trailed off.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Luffy suddenly asked. He didn't sound the least bit offended from Zoro's confession.

"What?" Zoro asked him.

"I feel bad," Luffy said, "we could have picked up your boyfriend."

This time Zoro was the one with wide eyes.

He was flattered that Luffy thought he was with someone, but he had figured that there would be some sort of questions or resentment. But he was relieved nonetheless. Very relieved.

He was pretty sure he was going to like Luffy.

Zoro sighed. "Luffy," he said, "I don't have a boyfriend…"

"You don't?" Luffy asked in a shocked tone. "But I though-"

"No, not _yet_ ," Zoro said. Great emphasis on "yet". It was definitely somewhere on his to-do list. Just under passing the Chemistry class of his, which was lowering every moment. "I'm...gay, but I'm not with anyone right now."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Huh," Luffy muttered. "Weird…"


	9. The Day

_The salty taste of sea air. A cold November night._

_Sanji stared down at the dark water, his hands tightly wrapped around the metal railing. He watched the tides pull the water back and forth, dragging foam and trash and other bits of unknown particles. The wind was full of salt water. His skin felt sticky and itched a little whenever the wind hit his sensitive flesh._

_Sanji leaned forward and stared deep into the dark water. His body wouldn't move, but he could feel something pulling him in._

_This wasn't another one of those dreams. This was all just him; dreaming about dreams. That's what it was. His mind was too weak and tired to torture him, but it was strong enough to remind him what a dark world he was buried in, and how he wanted to go even deeper. Intoxicated from the alcohol he drank; his mind was forced to only produce what he remembered, and what he remembered was wanting to jump. He remembered the rocks full of barnacles, and he remembered the cold wind, and he remembered ending it all several days ago. A week ago, and last night; all were huddled together in the form of a peaceful, yet dark dream._

_How long had it been since he awoke in a world that would purposely punish him?_

_Sanji felt strangely depressed._

_That familiar feeling of emptiness, that tired, questioning feeling that he usually had some control over in his dreams was in complete control of him at the moment._

_Why exactly did he get out of bed when he didn't see any purpose in doing so? Why not just sleep all day and continue in the fantasy that you almost succeeded in accomplishing? You barely eat, you barely go out, and you're falling behind in your classes; and it's only going to get worse._

_Sanji grit his teeth, pulling his hands from the railing and covering his face as he the temperature drop and snow beginning to fall from the sky._

_Nobody was around, but he felt so lonely._

_He felt the snowflakes his exposed parts of his body, causing his skin to tingle from the contact. Sanji began to shiver as he felt his body get colder by the second._

_His feet were as dead as ever. His soles were the only part of him that didn't feel the temperature around him. The nerves wouldn't respond, but he could still feel a strange pain._

_You want to jump, don't you, he asked himself._

_Sanji closed his eyes tight and held his breath._

_This was a different type of nightmare. Normally he wanted to run from death in his dreams, and would embrace it during the day. This was completely different. It was the opposite of such._

_Sanji carefully let his foot on the middle part of the railing, balancing himself with his hands while he lifted his other foot. He wasn't afraid of falling back and breaking something, for he was sure nothing would happen to him until he decided. Sanji erected himself into a standing position, his feet barely clinging to the metal bar, and his hands outstretched to keep him from falling to either side._

_He could see the rocks beneath him. If he jumped he would crash into them, breaking and bruising his body. It would be rather painful. He had felt his bones break, tearing through his muscles and skin, exposing sensitive tendons to the world. He had felt blood rush out of his body, warming the outer layer of his body while his insides cooled down without precious nutrients the red liquid provided._

_Sanji kneeled, his hands back on the top of the metal bar as he lifted his leg and carefully positioned on the top next to one of his hands. He struggled, feeling his body wobble as he tried to lift his other, but he was far from panicked. He managed to get both appendages on the top bar of the railing, and was soon back into the standing position he had been in. He felt a burst of pride grown within him as he stood, confident and excited, yet weak and depressed beyond description._

_Sanji waited for the water to rise, which only took a few moments. He knew he was dreaming; he had full control over the world he had created. He watched the dark water rise several feet, covering the jagged rocks and therefore ceasing them to be. Were this another sort of dream things would have been different. He would have been all over those boulders and rocks, his blood bathing them in a bright red. But not this time._

_What about everyone else?_

_He looked over behind him, expecting to see someone watching him; giving him a look of disapproval or begging him to stop. But there was no one there. There was nothing there. No buildings, no lights, no people; no one. None of his friends were present at his final moment. No one was there to stop him or tell him to not let go. Sanji felt his heart fill with regret. Wasn't there a time when he was thankful for this fact? Why did he want someone to be there, watching him?_

_Someone?_

_Sanji felt his legs tremble. Not because he was afraid, but because he could no longer feel the support underneath him. He was midair; he was in the air, briefly floating as though he were already in the watery grave. His eyes widened as he looked up into the sky, seeing no stars or any sign of life._

_He was alone. Just the way he had wanted it._

_His body hit the water with a crash. Or perhaps not. Could one really say that noise was produced, when there was not one soul to confirm it?_

_Who knew?_

_Sanji closed his eyes, his skin feeling the warm wetness surrounding him. His whole body submerged into the bath-like ocean, sinking gently into the lovely dark abyss._

_He opened his eyes, starting up at the unknown light above him. Where had the light come from when he had witnessed no stars before?_

_His mouth filled with water, and then his lungs, but Sanji acted as though nothing had changed. His body welcomed the warm water as though it were the same air had had breathed moments before. And that witnessed disappeared, his body no longer was sinking in the ocean, but flowing in a mass of nothingness. The ocean he saw was above him, the sight of distorted light being twisted by the water's random pull._

_What did this mean?_

_Why was he so very alive when he had decided to go ahead and accept death? He had done what he had wished for in his special little world; the world that had tried to kill him so many times before. Why was it now that it would not let him do what it had commanded so many times before?_

_Bubbles escaped from his lips as he tried to think of an answer. He watched the few balls of air race to the top, making their way to that mysterious light that he knew nothing of._

_Was he already dead?_

_No. Sanji knew he was still very much alive._

_There was no pain. No heated sting telling him that his lungs were failing him and drowning in that mixture of water and carbon. He felt no spasms, and he was sure if he commanded it his arms and legs would move freely in this dark mass._

_Sanji watched carefully and noticed the light dwindle. It was getting farther away from him. He really was sinking this time._

_His blue eyes widened, and a mixture of shock and sadness soon followed._

_Why was it leaving him?_

_Sanji extended his arm out, his hand open as he tried to desperately grab hold of that powerful light. He didn't want it to leave him, not yet. He didn't even know what it was. He wanted to have it, just till he knew what to do with it, or better understand it._

_Please don't leave…don't go, not yet._

_Sanji tried swimming, hoping to reach the surface and see what was on the other side, but it was no use. He wasn't sinking; the ocean was just rising. Or the light was leaving him. He wasn't sure._

_He didn't care. He wanted the light to stay._

_Please. Please come back._

_Sanji kept swimming, his body not one bit exhausted from his exertion. But the light continued to fade, and the space that showed its strong, powerful image was shrinking rapidly in size. He'd never reach it in time, and he'd never know what it was that had enticed him so._

_And soon the light was gone. Sanji wasn't even halfway to the surface when it happened. He floated, or was it sank, where he was; his eyes looking up where the light had once been. His body remained still and he silent as he felt himself fall into despair once more._

_And he was alone again…in the dark._

* * *

Zoro awoke to the sound of his cell going off, causing him to grab at his ears at the loud headache inducing sound it produced. He extended his arms out in the direction of the sound and grabbed at it, pulling it closely to him and viewing the name on his screen-which was way too bright for comfort.

It was Robin. Robin was calling him.

Zoro stared blankly at the screen for several seconds before hitting the ignore and tossing the phone back on the coffee table. He yawned, stretching his legs out as far as he could on the sofa and repositioned himself back into the comfy, though cramped, fetal position before covering himself with the thin blanket he had with him. He blinked a few times, staring at the front door and seeing the dim light of the morning through the bottom of the door. It had to be six in the morning; way too early for him to get up and start the day.

Zoro grabbed one of the pillows and closed his eyes. He could hear Luffy, who was sprawled all over the floor with a pile of blankets of his own, lightly snoring.

Somehow Zoro knew he was back at Sanji's place. He didn't remember how he got here, what time he got here, but he just knew. He couldn't remember much past one, after he decided he would go ahead and get drunk since Sanji decided to make himself scarce around the group. There were a few blurred images of him talking to a few people, but anything after that came as a messy blur or noise and music.

Hopefully neither of them said anything stupid. Hopefully nobody took advantage of him while he was drunk beyond belief.

Zoro wasn't given even a minute of peace when his cell rang again. He groaned, curling up and grumbling into the pillow before giving in to demands and taking the phone. He forced himself up into a sitting position and stared at the bright screen, seeing that Robin was making another attempt to reach him.

He ignored her…so she knows he's alive and well, right?

Zoro sighed as he took the call and brought up the phone up to his ears.

"What," he said tiredly.

"Zoro?" Her voice rang. Zoro had to pull the phone away. His brain simply couldn't handle the noise.

"What is it," he murmured.

"Are you still at the dorms?" she asked. "Your mother left you some things."

Zoro remained silent, trying to figure out what the hell Robin was talking about.

Right, he was usually with Robin during the weekends. For those few nights he'd get a better bed, better food, and no lines to use the washer and dryer.

His mom? She came over? Well, of course she did.

"I'm…not," he muttered. He stopped himself from simply answering her.

"What is it?" he heard her ask.

Robin didn't know about Sanji. Ever since he had talked to her about his fuck-up he kept himself away from her, trying to avoid any physical contact that might end up in her trying to talk to him about the incident. He never mentioned that Sanji was still alive, and that he was doing everything he could to make sure he stayed alive. This was a good thing too; Robin would have been all over him if she knew the promise he had made to Sanji. After all, what kind of idiot promised euthanasia to someone he didn't really get along with? He did.

"I'm sleeping over a friends," Zoro answered.

It was a reasonable answer. He was sleeping over, and Robin wouldn't find it strange that he was avoiding coming over to her place.

"Will you be coming over?"

Zoro thought for a moment before finally answering; "yes."

He needed to get things done over at Robin's; cleaning his clothes and training with his precious swords. Plus his mother left some stuff for him; he needed to know what it was and thank her for the wonderful deed. It wasn't a quick drive from where he lived to the university after all…

He couldn't tell Robin about Sanji though. Zoro knew involving her any deeper into the situation would make things worse. He didn't want her knowing what he was up to.

"Come over before noon, I'll be out after then."

"Ok," Zoro muttered.

"Zoro?"

"Yeah?" Zoro asked.

"…Be safe," he heard Robin say. Her voice was almost a whisper. It almost didn't sound like her. The confident, calm voice was now so soft and worried for him. She thought he was going through hell. Robin thought he had let a dead man go.

"I'm ok," he answered. He clicked end call and placed the phone back on the table. He didn't want Robin to pity him or tell him everything would be ok. Zoro already knew things would be ok. He was going to make sure of that.

Zoro grabbed the blanket and covered himself in it. He closed his eyes and lay in the couch, trying to fall back asleep.

He tried, but couldn't. Something was bothering him.

Sanji was asleep right now, right? Or was he in his room, awake and trying to stay awake?

Zoro stared out, looking over to the beginning of the hallway. He would have heard something, if Sanji was having a bad dream, right? Don't people cry out in their sleep? Zoro knew people didn't move around when they dreamed, but he was sure some were vocal depending on what was going on in their sleep.

Or was Sanji one of those deep sleepers?

What if he was having a bad dream right now, and couldn't wake up from it? Zoro felt a shiver run down his spine at the very thought. He had suffered from strange dreams before, but those were very rare occasions. But they were quite horrifying nonetheless. Zoro hated not being able to wake up when he knew he was dreaming. It's what caused panic. Not being able to get up. That's what could make a regular night seem like a dreadfully long one.

Somehow Zoro found standing, looking into the long hallway with great suspicion. He hadn't a clue how he snuck around Luffy's sprawled body without tripping over anything, but somehow he was here, wondering whether or not he was about to check up on his "heavy burden". He had no idea if Usopp or Sanji woke up early in the morning. He couldn't remember if anyone aside from him drank anything.

Should he check? The last thing Zoro wanted was to get caught and look like some sort of creep. It wouldn't help his case at all if Sanji woke up and found that he was being stared at like some experiment. And although it was pretty obvious, Zoro didn't want to admit, should he get caught, that he was worried for Sanji's sake. He was still pretty sore about the "tutoring" ordeal, and Sanji was still quite the asshole.

Really, _moss-head_? How old was Sanji supposed to be; five?

But Zoro could still recall the last time Sanji was asleep around his presence. He was so quiet and peaceful, hell the blond was almost appealing to him….and then he starting moaning in his sleep like he was being stabbed or something! Zoro had to practically shake him awake in order to pull him out of it, and even then Sanji went ahead and vomited…getting some of that mess in his car. He remembered the shaking, the disgusting act, but most of all he remembered that fear he had when Sanji just started groaning in his sleep.

Zoro carefully tiptoed through the hallways. He stopped at a half opened door, carefully opening it all the way and discovering that it was the bathroom. Actually, it wasn't really a discovery; Zoro had used it twice before. He left it after his third use and continued down the hall, turning around once he realized he was going back to the living room and then soon stopped when he met two doors; each on opposite sides.

Sadly, they were both closed. And it should also be known that these two doors were both only a few feet away from the bathroom.

Well, this sucks, Zoro thought. Both of the doors were shut. He'd have to open them and hope that whoever was on the other side was not a light sleeper. Plus there was always the chance Kaya might be in one of the rooms…Usopp may have gotten lucky.

Zoro turned the knob, trying to make as little noise as possible. He pushed the door forward, slowly opening it and taking a step into the room.

Once the door was completely open, Zoro let go of the doorknob and walked in, making sure his breathing wasn't too loud. He squint his eyes. There was a bit more light, since the shades weren't down all the way and a bit crooked, and Zoro could see the lonely sleeping figure on the bed across the room. Messy light hair told him right away that it was Sanji, and Zoro felt immediately relieved.

God forbid he walk on in Kaya and Usopp…or just Usopp. Zoro wouldn't have thought less of them either way.

Zoro walked over to the sleeping figure, watching as the body beneath him casually inhaled and exhaled. He had a sheet covering him, but half of it was skewed over the bed, and the other falling to the floor. His arms and one of his legs were exposed, and like Zoro; Sanji was still wearing the clothes from the day before. Sanji lied on his stomach, a position Zoro couldn't imagine comfortable. But Sanji looked peaceful, and his breathing seemed to show it. It was slow and rhythmic; not the breathing of someone who was having a really bad dream. It almost looked normal, were it not for certain indicators. Zoro could see a hand grabbing the pillow, holding on for dear life, and the other balled into a tight fist; like a baby.

But his face didn't look any different than it had when Zoro drove him home. It was blank of any negative expression, and looked as though he was calm and without any stress. It brought Zoro to wonder whether the man was dreaming at all. Perhaps he was stressed, hence the fist, but was not dreaming. It was possible that Sanji might have had something to drink. You can't dream when you're too drunk…

Zoro stared at Sanji's sleeping expression, remembering that long drive in the car. He really hadn't cared so much for the blonde back then. It was really amazing how much could change in just a few days; what fear and confidence could produce from the two of them. Zoro couldn't; say that he liked Sanji, but he wanted him to live. If only the two had met in a different situation; perhaps he would have been able to befriend Sanji. Zoro really meant it too; Sanji seemed like a really nice person. All his friends cared about him, and he got along well with everyone.

Because of everything they went through the two couldn't look at each other and smile. It wasn't like they could pretend that everything was nothing unusual. Sanji could scowl and hate him, respect and appreciate Zoro's offerings; but he probably would never look at him, smile, and say "thank you" or any of that. It was impossible. Sanji could pretend and produce a fake smile, but Zoro knew better. He had seen Sanji done so in front of everyone so many times now that he had the look memorized in his mind. And it was a real shame since Sanji looked so nice. When he was asleep he looked nice, when he looked at Nami or Robin or any other girl he looked happy, almost handsome (though he did also look pretty stupid). He'd never look at him that way though.

Zoro almost felt jealous about the entire situation.

He stared at the sleeping figure and looked past the hidden paleness, seeing still smooth skin and color behind it. Sanji had a long way to go till he recovered, but he still looked nice; better than what he did before. His hair was still soft and his body wasn't too lanky, but then; looks were only skin deep. Zoro knew nothing, and even though he could ask Sanji to change his diet and rest more often, unless he knew what was going on in that head of his then he'd only be wasting his time. Dolling up someone would help so much. And what did Zoro know about dreams or psychology?

That sense of realization hit him hard, and Zoro no longer wanted to be in the same room with Sanji. There was only so much stress he could handle, and right now he was slightly hung-over with only a few hours of sleep.

Zoro slowly moved away from the bed, reminding himself to close the door before making his way out. Just before leaving he did take one last look at the sleeping figure, his eyes on the face that he hated so much.

It looked like a different person. Not the same man that he hated, but someone that he could like.

Very handsome, very nice; but not Sanji.

Zoro closed the door behind him, his face feeling just a little flushed as he wiped away any more thoughts about the blond.

He continued to make his way down the hall, managing to not get himself turned around as he entered the living room. He saw the piece of furniture that he had called his bed and walked over to it; more than happy to finally get some rest. His legs felt so heavy, and Zoro couldn't wait to close his eyes and pass out once more.

Zoro maneuvered around Luffy and practically crashed into the sofa. His head spun around as he stared motionlessly into the ceiling. He didn't bother with grabbing the sheets and instead just held on to one of the small pillows before closing his eyes and relaxing.

It was six in the morning…he had about six hours till he had to get to Robin's. He'd rest for another two hours, leave for his dorm, grab his laundry, and be at Robin's before she left. It would all work out just swell, so long as Robin didn't mention that "Sanji ordeal".

Right…he still needed to talk to Sanji.

Zoro yawned, curling his body as much as he could without feeling too unbalanced on the sofa. He'd find time, even if it meant talking to him on the phone for the rest of the day.

"Zoro?"

It was Luffy. Zoro sighed, still keeping his eyes closed as he slowly answered;

"Did I wake you?"

"No," Luffy replied soon after.

Zoro didn't even try to think of why Luffy would be awake this early.

"Alright," He sluggish murmured into the pillow.

"…did you talk to Sanji?"

Zoro shook his head. Luffy of course did not see this.

"Zoro?"

"He's sleeping," Zoro answered without any sort of remorse.

"Oh," he heard Luffy say with some disdain.

It took about a minute for Zoro to realize that he had just admitted to Luffy that he had snuck into Sanji's room, and that Luffy had been aware of this and did not stop him.

"Zoro? Are you still awake?"

Zoro felt his eye twitch out of nerve and annoyance. He really hoped Luffy didn't get the wrong idea about him right now. But then he had told Luffy he personally needed to speak with Sanji, and Luffy had commented about it a few moments ago…

"Yeah," Zoro murmured tiredly.

"…don't ask Sanji out," Luffy said.

Zoro's eyes were wide open at this point.

"What?" He asked, raising his head up from the throw pillow.

He looked over to Luffy, who was curled up and staring up at him. He looked calm, but still very serious. It wasn't threatening at all; but it did pique Zoro's curiosity.

Sanji was into chicks. It was quite obvious with his flirting. Maybe Luffy thought he didn't know about Sanji's very easy to spot sexuality.

"He wouldn't make a very good boyfriend."

Zoro almost laughed at Luffy's answer.

"Well, obviously," he said. "I wasn't going to ask him out. Trust me."

Zoro lowered his head back on to the pillow. Luffy probably didn't understand that Sanji could only love people of the opposite sex. It was nice of him to think that anyone could just love each other, no matter what; but love was quite complicated. But then, the boy did mention that he wasn't ready for a real relationship.

"Ok," he heard Luffy say in a whisper.

"Don't' worry about it," Zoro responded. "No need to feel awkward or anything."

"I'm not," Luffy said. "I just don't want to you be disappointed in him."

Zoro was pretty sure he wouldn't be disappointed if a straight man wasn't into him.

"He's not ready to be with someone else," Luffy then added.

Zoro raised a brow.

"He needs more time for himself," the boy finished before giving another yawn.

Zoro didn't reply. He wasn't sure what he should say. What Luffy had said was too vague for his own good. It almost sounded as thought Sanji may have been with another….guy. And it was tossed around so casually as well. It made Zoro want to know more, but Luffy had just asked to not get too involved with the blonde. And the last thing Zoro wanted was for anyone to think he was into Sanji, or was developing any feelings for him. Sure, Sanji could be good looking at times-mainly when he wasn't crying looking depressed, or just angry at the world-but most of the time he was a pain in the ass.

And suicidal.

"Ok," Zoro finally said, though he really wanted to know more about what Luffy meant when he had said "someone else". Was Sanji bi, or was Luffy just talking out of his ass? Zoro would never know. His pride wouldn't let him up and ask something as private as that.

Zoro closed his eyes once more, figuring Luffy was done with his warning.

He desperately needed to sleep.

* * *

"Luffy, what time do you need to be home by?" Usopp asked when he walked into the living room with a damp towel covering his head.

"Uhm, well I think I'm going to get in bigger trouble if I stay till the end of the weekend," Luffy answered with a half laugh. He picked up a piece of bacon and took a large bite out of it.

"What kind of answer is that?" Zoro asked.

"The Luffy kind," Sanji muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "You know, your Grandfather's going to forbid you from coming over if you don't study or do your chores."

"Yeah, but all those suck," Luffy grumbled. He picked at his plate and frowned at the emptiness of it.

"So does getting grounded," Usopp said.

"You need a ride home?" Sanji asked.

"Sanji, don't you have to be ready for work in an hour?" Usopp asked nervously.

Luffy somehow managed to pull his gaze away from his plate and looked up at Sanji. He had that "I don't want you to get in trouble because of me" face on him.

"It's no big deal," Sanji said, smiling at two. "I can get to Luffy's place and then get to work within the hour."

"Isn't that pushing it?" Usopp asked. "You still haven't taken a shower yet."

"Give me ten minutes," Sanji said. He pointed at Usopp and then to the dishes. "Finish these; I'll be back in a few."

Sanji hurriedly walked over to his room, leaving the Usopp to tend to the dishes, and Luffy and Zoro to their meal.

Last night went on forever. It felt like eons till he had finally woken up, only to be bombarded by intense feelings of doubt and pain. His body wasn't moist in a layer of sweat, and he wasn't shaky from the aftermath, but he felt like hell. Sanji would have broken down were it not for the fact that he had people sleeping over.

Sanji went through his closet, picking out his suit and hurrying over to the bathroom.

He'd have to take a quick shower, dry his hair, and put on his suit and be ready to leave in a short amount of time. It was a tad out of his way; but it was the least he could do for Luffy. Sanji undressed himself, nearly tripping over his clothes before turning on the water.

He waited for the water to warm up. Sanji couldn't help but look into the mirror, wondering if his reflection had improved; if he had improved.

Sanji stared into the mirror, watching the unknown person stare back at him.

He was still pretty pale, but not nearly as bad as he was a few days ago. He didn't look quite as dead as before. Sanji lowered his gaze and stared down at his rather lanky body. It didn't look like any weight was gained since his talk with Zoro. But at least he didn't look like he lost anymore. He doubt he could hide any major weight loss. Sanji pulled the curtains and walked into the shower, feeling hot water hit his skin and welcoming ever bit of it.

Sanji thought about the dream he had last night. How water became space, and how he drowned while breathing and never losing consciousness. He never knew something so unique could be experienced.

He had felt so miserable when he woke up though. Why?

There was a loud knock, nearly causing Sanji to jump. He pulled the shower curtain and poked his head out, staring angrily at the door.

"What?" he asked.

"Hey, it's me."

Oh, it was Zoro. Sanji rolled his eyes, thankful he hadn't put any shampoo yet, and continued to leer at the door. He was low on time at the moment; this had better be damn good.

"What is it?" he asked. "Don't tell me you have to take a piss."

"Actually, it's about Luffy," Zoro said through the door.

"What about it?"

"Usopp wants to know if he can use the car to drop him off," Zoro asked.

Sanji figured, because everything sounded so muffled between the water and a closed door, that he had heard it wrong. How on earth was he supposed to make it to work on time if Usopp had the car?

"And what about me?" Sanji asked.

"I offered to drop you off," Zoro answered.

Sanji felt his chest lurch in agony upon hearing this. He had just finished experiencing a horrid nightmare, and Zoro wanted to drop him off to work? If that didn't spell out a long winded argument he didn't know what did. Sanji just knew Zoro would ask.

As much as Sanji respected Zoro for his worrying over his well-being; he didn't want to talk about it, Sanji loved knowing that Zoro was going to deal with his bullshit….but he frankly didn't want to have someone talk about it. It felt great knowing he could bitch and grip about it to someone…just he didn't want to have to think about actually describing it. It was too hard to talk about.

"Well?" he heard Zoro say. Sanji really didn't want to have to answer.

But he wrote it out. He had somehow written out the pain he had felt upon waking up after going through a painful death in his dreams. Sanji had hated writing every word…but in the end it felt great having finished.

And it wasn't Zoro's fault either. The man needed to learn to stay out of other peoples business, but he still had good intentions. Zoro was a good person. He just needed to remind himself that more.

"Sure," he said rather nonchalantly. "Tell him to remember to pick me up later."

"Ok," was the only response he heard. It didn't sound like the reply of a man who was about to lecture the hell out of him. Perhaps he wouldn't bother him and ask him about his night.

Sanji went back into the shower and washed his body down, taking a bit longer now that he had more time to himself. Hopefully Zoro wouldn't take so long like he had when he dropped him off the first time. Even in snow it doesn't take that long to get to his place.

"Sanji!"

Sanji growled as he pulled his head out of the shower and yelled at the door.

"What?"

"…how are you feeling?"

Sanji tucked himself back into the shower, dipping his head in the water and closing his eyes shut. His felt his heart sink with guilt, yet another part of him felt warm and welcomed. He wasn't used to having someone worry over him like this, or was Zoro just pitying him? It didn't matter; half of it felt good and the other felt unfamiliar and somewhat painful.

He knew Zoro would not leave until he got an answer.

"I'm… _almost_ ok," he said. Somehow the words were loud enough for Zoro to hear.

"Alright" he barely heard the man's voice through the sound of the water. "Maybe you'll be ok soon."

" _Maybe_ ," Sanji said. "I don't think so…but if you really think that."

Zoro didn't respond. Sanji couldn't blame him.

* * *

"Turn left now," Sanji yelled at Zoro.

"I'm turning," Zoro hissed at the blonde. "Geez, no need to get so fucking loud."

"Because I have ten minutes till I get mouthed out for being late," Sanji spat back. "I can't believe this. How in the hell do you go U-turn after I tell you to go right? How the fuck do you do that?"

"It was a simple mistake."

"They're two completely different lanes," Sanji groaned. He covered his face with his hand, trying not to show the building rage from within.

Oh how he regretted saying yes to the idea. How dare he say yes to something so stupid.

"Now what?" Sanji heard Zoro ask.

"Just go straight for now," Sanji grumbled.

Only Zoro could get lost when given such obvious directions. He tells him to left, the guy goes right. He says turn now; Zoro goes straight or makes a U-turn. It was like he was speaking a different language in front of the man! And it was making the drive over to work impossible. Hr would be late; there was no doubt about it.

"Sanji…"

"What is it, _Zoro_?" Sanji asked through his fingers.

"I need you to tell me when to make that turn," Zoro said in a sincere tone.

"You're looking for Seventh Street," Sanji answered solemnly. "Make a right turn on Seventh Street and park right in front of the restaurant called the Baratie."

"Right…" Zoro's voice trailed off. It only made Sanji more nervous than before.

Sanji sighed.

It wasn't even noon and already he was so tired of the day. He wasn't the least bit excited to show up for work and cook. He didn't feel like doing much of anything. Even his very passion no longer seemed important to him, not when he felt so exhausted and drained from a long night of pain and misery. It sounded so cliché, but Sanji really had lost an interest for something that he loved so very much. Going to work and trying out new recipes would usually spark some energy; but today he felt like resting.

"You look tired."

Sanji removed his hand and stared out the window.

"Yeah," he answered softly.

"…you didn't have a bad dream, did you?" Zoro asked hesitantly.

"I…honestly don't know," Sanji replied. Even his voice sounded drained and weak. How on earth did he go from happy to sad so quickly?

"You can't remember?" Zoro asked.

"I remember," Sanji answered. "I just…don't know what I was thinking." He shook his head and watched as the car drove on, passing by pedestrians and other cars. His eyes strained as he tried to focus on the walking figures, trying to get a better look at each of their faces. "It was weird….nothing happened. But I still felt sad. I felt awful. I feel awful right now."

Sanji felt his throat tighten a bit from his emotional confession. He didn't want to know what face Zoro was making right now.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No," Sanji answered.

"…ok, well-"

"I want to talk about it later!" Sanji suddenly burst the words out. He looked over at Zoro and frowned. "We can talk about it later. Just not now." He grimaced. "I'm trying to be cooperative."

"I know," Zoro said, looking at him with a worried expression. Sanji could see those dark pupils tremble with confusion. And he was supposed to put his fate in this man's hands? Did Zoro even know what he was doing? How long would he have to wait for Zoro to find some stupid answer? "As soon as you're off work you need to call me."

"Why?

"Because we barely talk to each other, and I'm supposed to figure out what the hell is going on," Zoro answered. "I know you don't like talking about it; but you need to at least pretend to give me a fair chance at this." The young man lowered his gaze. "I really don't want to screw up here."

That look of guilt was written all over Zoro's face.

"…you really think you're going to help me kill myself?" Sanji asked.

Zoro looked up at him.

"I said I would," he answered. His voice was actually shaky.

Sanji really couldn't believe this.

Would he really make Zoro live through something like that? No, that was far too cruel. How on earth would Zoro live with himself knowing he took such a pact? And what if he got caught? It wouldn't be right for him to put Zoro in the middle of something so sensitive.

"I don't expect you to do that," Sanji said.

"Really?"

Zoro didn't sound relieved, but he didn't sound upset either.

"I think something like that…ought to be done in privacy," Sanji quietly answered. "I wouldn't want anyone to be a part of that. Not you. I don't want you watching or knowing when it's going to happen. That would be cruel of me to do that."

"…"

"It would be pretty selfish of me to force you into helping me; in any way or form," Sanji finally added. He wasn't sure whether Zoro was consciously listening at this point. He knew the topic wasn't something that you could just talk about. This had to be uncomfortable for him.

"But you would still kill yourself if nothing works out?" Zoro asked.

Sanji's jaw dropped a little as he tried to find the correct answer. How could he tell Zoro that he felt so tired of living when he knew the man would only retort? Sanji woke up not wanting to leave the bed, but terrified of falling asleep. He had death after death, or things worse than death. How could he possibly get Zoro to understand?

"I dreamt about killing myself," Sanji said.

The two of them were in the parking lot. Zoro had pulled in and parked in the correct area; a real surprise. Even better; there was one minute left to spare. Sanji could have gotten in and would have been maybe a few seconds late to work. Zeff wouldn't complain too much.

And now he was destined to be late.

And the green haired man was now staring at him; his eyes wide in a frenzied mixture of emotions. He looked awful, like he had just been told that someone actually had died. He looked worse than what Sanji imagined he would.

Even worse; he looked betrayed.

"You…did?"

"Yes," Sanji answered.

"Did…what...what happened to you?" He asked unsurely.

"It was all my choice," Sanji said. "I did it all…and it didn't hurt one bit."

"What did you do?"

"Jumped."

"Like before?"

"Yeah," Sanji said, looking to the side. "I jumped and I died."

"…that's it?"

Sanji couldn't answer. He really didn't know what went on after that. The light that shown above him. He remembered wanting the light, even though he didn't know what it was; only to feel crushed when it disappeared into the darkness of his mind.

"I need to go to work," Sanji said.

He heard Zoro sigh.

"You need to call me later," Zoro said, unlocking the door.

Sanji gave a weak nod before letting himself out of the car. He didn't once look back as he hurriedly walked over to the restaurant, his hands fiddling with the key to the front door.

He could still hear the sound of the engine going as he opened the door.

* * *

"You're late," Robin said, smiling at Zoro as he barged into the living room. "I was beginning to wonder if you would show up today."

Zoro could see a box lying on the kitchen table. He stared quietly at it, wondering whether he ought to approach it or wait for Robin's permission.

"You know I have the keys," Zoro said rather casually.

"But you're far too polite to just walk right in," Robin said, the smile still on her face. He looked over to the box that Zoro was staring at. "Your mother left you some clean clothes, as well as a few other things."

Zoro walked over and immediately opened the box, a grin appearing on his face as he saw all the things his mother had left for him.

"You need to car her more," Robin said from behind, "she's worried about you."

"I don't see why?"

"You are her only child."

Zoro rolled his eyes. He pulled out several tightly wrapped bags and sniffed at them. The spicy tingle hit his noise, causing him to reflexively produce a smile. He wouldn't have to dine on college meals for the next few days.

"Will you be staying over?" he heard Robin ask.

Zoro thought about the chances of Sanji being brought up during any future conversations. She had yet to mention him before. Zoro didn't want to talk about his stupid decisions with her, but he really needed to train; and it wasn't like he could do that at the dorms…being that he had actual weapons.

"Yes," Zoro answered sternly. It wasn't hard for him to sound regretful of his answer.

Robin took the hint and grabbed her coat.

"Robin," Zoro said, turning and facing the older woman.

"Yes?" she asked.

Zoro was so used to seeing a calm supportive smile on her face. She still looked upset.

"Thanks," he said, bowing.

He wasn't going to admit that the past few days had been hard, and that he hadn't exactly treated her with the utmost kindness that she deserved; but he figured he's at least show her how much he appreciated her attempts to reach out to him.

"Be sure to study," he heard her say before walking out the door. "I did leave something in the fridge, in case you did decide to stay." A brief pause. "No sword playing after ten, ok?"

The door closed.

She didn't sound so miserable.

Zoro relaxed.

He walked over to the kitchen and stared at his wonderful cluster of gifts. He would have to drive back to the dorms to pack a few of the meals into his mini-fridge. It wouldn't be so bad though considering he had several hours before Sanji could call him.

Zoro pulled out his phone at the very though and checked it to make sure it was on sound.

He needed to talk to Sanji.

* * *

Dammit, Sanji!

Zoro almost threw the phone at the wall as he realized it was nearly ten at night. Luckily common sense stopped him from breaking the device, and Zoro forcefully placed it on the drawer next to the bed.

Zoro walked over to the window, staring out into the dark night sky.

He had dropped Sanji off at work in the morning. Now it was the middle of the night.

"Ass," Zoro muttered before falling to his bed and grabbing PSP. He wasn't in the mood to play, but he refused to stare at a stupid phone for another hour.

He asked Sanji to call! Why wasn't he calling him? They were supposed to talk.

_Maybe he was still at work_ , Zoro thought to himself while random spamming the X button. He could be at work. Sanji was living in an apartment, and he was at school during the whole week; he had to pay for bills somehow. Or maybe Sanji was on his way back home right now with Usopp and couldn't have a personal conversation. Yes, this all made perfect sense.

Zoro stared blankly at the small screen in front of him. He didn't even know what game he was playing. He was so caught up in the blonde right now, it was ridiculous!

_You know; Sanji wouldn't make a good boyfriend._

The words rang in Zoro's head much a really loud siren. The image of Luffy staring at him with a very serious expression, but not one that warned him about Sanji being straight, but over something that could be completely different; filled his mind and brought a very uncomfortable feeling.

He was hovering over a phone…waiting for a guy to call him.

Zoro felt himself go pale at the very though. His whole body went cold. And then warm. And then hot. His face lit up red from the embarrassing through that he would dare associate such romantic thing with Sanji. But even at that mentioning his mind also redirected him to images of the man where he wasn't producing a look of stress, but one of calm serenity. All of this swirled in poor Zoro's mind.

God damn his human curiosity and Luffy's vague comments.

The phone then went off, and Zoro would have grabbed it and thrown it against the wall, breaking it into a million pieces were it not for the fact that he was the mature one. He had to be; Sanji was to busy blaming the world for everything.

"Sanji?" Zoro called into the phone.

"I called," he heard the young man reply.

"Yeah, you did," Zoro said, astonished.

"Well then…"

"Mhmm…"

"We need to have that talk," Sanji said awkwardly.

"Yeah," Zoro said, looking down at his feet.

So…was Sanji bi? And if so, why on earth did it matter? Was it because Zoro never really had a talk with someone who shared the same tastes in the same sex? Or maybe it was because Zoro had no experience? But then, there were other things as well. Zoro just didn't know as much as he would like.

Why exactly was he thinking so hard about this? Wasn't this supposed to be a talk about Sanji?

"What happened?" Zoro asked.

"After I jumped and died?" Sanji asked through the other side of the line.

"Tell me," Zoro asked.

"…I was dead, but I wasn't completely dead," Sanji replied. He could hear the blonde struggling with his words. Zoro patiently waited for Sanji to continue, giving him all the time he needed to find the right way to describe what he had experienced. "I could still move and feel. I could see, and I could breath underwater."

"Uh-huh." Zoro had a feeling this wasn't a nightmare. It just didn't feel like one at all. Even in the way Sanji talked about it didn't have that horrific feeling to it. This wasn't a dream you killed yourself over. "Keep going," he asked Sanji.

"…I saw the light," Sanji said.

"What?"

"The light," Sanji repeated. "Above me…above the ocean."

"You mean starlight?" Zoro asked.

"…no." he heard the reply. "It couldn't have been stars. There were no stars in my dream. The sky was pitch black."

"Are you religious?" Zoro asked into the phone. This could be a case of desire for the afterlife. Some Christians swore that they saw a light at the end of a long tunnel…maybe that's what Sanji dreamed about.

"Not really," Sanji answered. "I thought about that too, but it doesn't make much sense either."

"Why's that?"

"You go to hell when you kill yourself," Sanji answered.

"Oh, right; forgot about that," Zoro answered.

For some reason he wasn't too surprised by the way Sanji said this. It came out so bluntly. Sanji knew that people who claimed their own lives went to hell. He wasn't bothered by this fact. He wasn't religious. Sanji knew killing himself would really mean the end.

"I did want to get closer to it," Sanji said.

"What?"

"The light," Sanji answered. "I was so _drawn_ to it."

"You tried to get closer?" Zoro asked Sanji.

"Yes," Sanji said. His voice shook.

"What happened?"

"I…it went away," Sanji answered, hurt. He sounded like he was moments away from tears.

"Are you ok?"

"…yes," Sanji said in almost a whisper.

"Are you sure?" Zoro asked.

"…"

"Sanji?"

"I really don't know," Sanji answered. "I'm sorry; but I really don't know."

Zoro wanted to scream into the phone. This conversation was becoming painful. He wanted to hang up and pretend none of this had occurred.

"That's…ok," he said.

"Really?" Sanji asked. There was some relief in the man's voice. It affected Zoro so much that he almost felt better for having said it.

"At least you know that you're not sure," Zoro said. "It doesn't sound like much…but you are aware."

"I see," Sanji said. "Interesting way of putting it."

Zoro smiled. It was a great thing that Sanji wasn't around to see it. He quickly wiped the smile away as he went back into the topic at hand. He wasn't going to let some conversation trick him into thinking there was something else going on.

"Tell me," Zoro said, "could you make a guess at what the light might have been?"

"I don't know," Sanji said. "Hope maybe?"

"Sounds right."

"You're going to tell me that you think I still want to live, right?" Sanji asked.

"Well, duh," Zoro said. "You already jumped in the dream. But you're still clinging on to something. And you were upset when it went away."

"And you think its hope?" Sanji asked.

"Hope takes the form of many things," Zoro replied.

"That's disgustingly cheesy," he heard the man reply.

"But it's true," Zoro retorted. "Why else do you act that way around you're friends? You're afraid to tell them what's going on. You know they can help you."

"…"

He had hurt the blonde. It was so goddamn easy to hurt Sanji.

"…I'm sorry," Zoro said.

"It's ok," Sanji said.

"You have good friends," Zoro said, "They'll listen to you."

"I know."

"Why not tell one of them?" Zoro asked. "Are you afraid of something?"

"I…can't tell them," Sanji answered. "I'm sorry, Zoro, but I just can't. Please don't put me in that situation."

"What do you thing that light could have been?" Zoro suddenly asked. He had to change the subject away from the friend topic. He would have to save that one later; when Sanji was feeling less agitated.

"You already talked about hope," Sanji pointed out.

"I mean what do you think hope is to you?" Zoro added. "A dream? A goal? Someone you know?

"It could be a goal," Sanji's voice muttered through the phone.

"What kind of goal?"

"An important one," Sanji answered half heartedly. "One that I almost ruined a few days ago."

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Ok, then," Zoro grumbled. "We can talk about that later, right?"

And of course; Sanji doesn't answer.

He was making this so amazingly difficult. It was like the talk they had in the car never happened.

"What about a person?" Zoro desperately asked.

"What?"

Zoro couldn't believe how happy he was to hear Sanji's voice.

"Maybe the light represents someone you care deeply for," Zoro said. "Someone that makes you unsure about killing yourself?"

"I'm not with anyone…"

"Some you care for doesn't mean you have to be dating them," Zoro said.

"… _my friends_ …."

Could this conversation become any more depressing?

"…is there anyone in particular you don't want finding out about your death?" Zoro asked hesitantly.

He could hear the sounds rattle a bit through the phone. He really hoped Sanji wasn't about to hang up on him.

Luffy said Sanji want ready to be in a relationship. Perhaps there was someone Sanji cared deeply for, but was too afraid to be involved with. It could be because he was suicidal and didn't want to be in a serious relationship while he suffered depression. Or it could be another reason. If Sanji was bi or….gay…not everyone was eager to date a member of the same sex.

"Is it someone that knows you?" Zoro added on. "Someone you see everyday? It could be anyone."

Still no reply.

Zoro felt his body tense up from nerve. His body heated up as he frantically waited for some sort of response.

"Sanji?" he asked into the phone. "Please…answer."

"No." Sanji finally answered.

"No?" Zoro asked.

"I don't know anyone," Sanji answered.

Oddly enough Zoro felt crushed to hear this.

"Ok then," Zoro said. "That's all I needed to know."

"We're done?"

"Yes," Zoro said. He sank into his bed and let his free hand rest on his forehead. "I'll call you later; hopefully you'll want to talk more about your goals or dreams…"

"You're pissed, aren't you?"

"I'm frustrated," Zoro admitted. "But I said I'd play by your rules. You don't feel like mentioning any more personal information; so I'll have to stop here for now and use what I have. It's better than me trying to pester you or force it out of you. We'd only just argue about it then."

He could hear Sanji give a sigh.

"I'm sorry about today," he heard the blond say.

" _What_? You're sorry?"

"I keep forgetting you're just trying to help," Sanji said. "I just don't like it…but in the end I feel better about everything."

Zoro could feel the weight on his chest alleviate.

"Good enough to wait a little longer?" he asked.

"Yes," Sanji answered.

He was getting somewhere. He was actually getting somewhere with Sanji. Sure he was barely getting anywhere, but even a small step was better than a complete relapse.

"I'm glad I could help," Zoro answered. He really was.

"I need to go."

"Ok," Zoro said. "When is the next best time for me to call?"

"I'll call you," Sanji answered flatly.

"Oh…well, that works," Zoro said. He removed the phone from his head and gave a long sigh. He stared tiredly at the ceiling, feeling as though he had just spent that past several minutes doing some sort of extreme exercise. All he had done was talk to Sanji. He barely got any decent information from the blond, but Sanji was already starting to feel better.

"Zoro?"

Without looking away from the ceiling, he pressed the speaker button and answered the blond.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." Sanji's voice echoed in the room.

Zoro's eyes went wide from surprise and embarrassment. He felt his face heat up as he continued to stare up at the bland ceiling, his mind showing pictures of the blonde without frowns and tears. Only a few memories, but it managed to produce the effect it was going for.

He barely knew Sanji. Why was he letting a few words get to him? Why was he taking something Luffy had said in passing as something more? He didn't even know Luffy that well either.

"You're welcome," Zoro said. "Sanji...I don't think that was a bad dream."

The conversation ended with a small click from Sanji's end of the line.

…

Zoro knew it was well past ten, but he still grabbed Wado from the side of his bed and unsheathed it. He raised it up, staring proudly at the weapon as it shown in the dim light. He kept the katana still as he recalled the painful memory as to how he got his sword.

How long had he held on to his sword? Ten years?

Zoro lifted his other hand and let a finger graze against the metal. It was in such great condition, he took such good care of it. What would he do without it? What would he do if he never came to posses this sword? Would Zoro still feel the inclination to help Sanji?

He let the sword down.

There was nothing wrong with wanting to help someone, so long as he kept the same goal.

And there was nothing wrong with developing feelings, as long as he kept them hidden.

The two of these could never intertwine though. He'd only help Sanji for the wrong reasons, and the feeling he had, although they were still new; would only be crushed. They weren't even real either; these "feelings" were nothing more than an idea born from a curiously. And Zoro really couldn't put nay faith into what he was feeling. He had been with anyone else before. How would he know what love was when he never really had a grasp of it before.

Plus, Sanji was suicidal. That's just wrong.

Zoro sheathed his sword and placed it back with his other two swords. He continued to look up at the ceiling, pretending to not think about the conversation he had just had with the Sanji, the blond himself, or that darn conversation he had with Luffy.

He fell asleep soon after, not having studied for any of his classes.


	10. The Young Man

The young man

Zoro had a feeling that relying on mere psychology notes would not get him far in his plight to help Sanji. As he went through the many pages he had spent money on, printing each page out after coming to the decision that they had to be important, Zoro began to doubt whether he was looking through the right information. He had learned quite a lot of information, but none of it really mattered when it came to dealing with dreams. Critical thinking aside, which did provide Zoro a few new possible strategies, most of what he was reading, while it had seemed important or noteworthy at the time of researching, wasn't really helpful at all. There were bits and articles that mentioned dreaming, but most of it went over things that Zoro really did not understand. And what he did comprehend were things that he already had some idea about to begin with. To put it simply; Zoro had wasted his time.

"Shit," Zoro grimaced to himself while walking through the empty hall of the Science Department. It was a wet Monday; rain had assaulted the campus and would make Zoro's lab last forever in the cold room he was heading to. Tomorrow he would meet Sanji, and would be expected to bear some good news. Zoro couldn't begin to think of a way to lie to the blonde. He didn't want to. Not after spending the weekend texting him and promising him things would get better, to just hold on a little longer. He had told Sanji over and over again that things would improve. He even got Sanji tot talk more about those dreams of his. The two of them had hit a milestone in their already one week relationship, and now Zoro had realized everything he had read up on was not enough. He was cold, tired, and was going to fail his Chemistry class; and Zoro felt like shit knowing it would only get worse.

He continued down the hall, going through the contents of his backpack as he debated over whether he ought to toss out the rest of his findings in to the next passing garbage bin. Zoro stopped, grabbing the printed out sheets of paper and quickly went through them, picking only a small pages that he still deemed worthy of his time. He would be late to class, but by now it didn't matter.

Zoro crammed several pages of psychology blather into the trash can, forcing the pages deep into the dark abyss. He was back at square one. He zipped up his bag, still holding the few pages he kept and walked up the flight of stairs, making sure not to slip over the wet flooring as he made his way to the lab.

It was frustrating. He could talk to Sanji over the phone and they would get along better and better with every passing moment. He could pick through the thick wall that surrounded the blonde and learn more about him, but there was still nothing he could do to actually fix the blonde. It bothered Zoro that he was lying to the blonde, promising him all these things he couldn't; possibly provide. Why?

Really, they only had three conversations during the weekend, and had texted each other a few times. But there was this developing curiosity. Zoro wanted to know more about the blonde, wanted to ask him things he knew were inappropriate to ask. All he could think about was the possibility that Sanji may have been with a guy; and it drove him mad that he didn't know. Zoro couldn't explain why this should matter to him. He had to constantly remind himself that what he was doing wasn't for these curiosities, but for Sanji.

Just Sanji. Sanji; who liked girls.

The fickle feeling grabbed at Zoro and prodded him, reminded the young man that what little feelings he had were wrong and useless. Useless because Sanji would never feel anything towards him. Sanji flirted with the girls. And once everything between them had been absolved, what was to say that Sanji would want to be around him anymore? Wrong because Sanji was sick. Sanji needed positive support. What kind of person would take advantage of those weaknesses? Zoro needed to make sure he helped the blonde because of the promise, not because he wanted to ask the blonde about his sex life.

Damn Luffy. If only Robin hadn't called, then maybe he would have slept through the morning and the conversation would have never been brought up. Only because of that conversation Zoro found him wondering about these things. Was Sanji bi? Had he ever had sex with another man? What was it like? And these questions would always come with all too descriptive images, making Zoro feel uncomfortable and hot and even more curious to know more. Sunday had been the worse, if only because Zoro found himself doing more than just thinking about the blonde. Physical urges temporarily got the better of him, leading to several minutes of self affection. Shortly after this Zoro felt nothing but guilt and anger at himself. How do you fantasize about someone who was suicidal?

And that was how he had spent his weekend.

"Where have you been?" Perona asked loudly as Zoro walked into the lab, making his way over to the table he and the girl shared.

"Not now," Zoro grumbled. He pulled out the stool and sat on it, tossing his backpack on the floor and staring worryingly at the few sheets he kept.

"We have a lot of work to do," she complained. "Did you read the instructions? Tell me you read them."

"I'll look at them in a few."

"Ugh," Perona whined. "Whatever you're doing better be important. My grades gonna lower because of you."

Zoro felt the paper crumble in his hands. His grip got tighter as he tried to focus on what he considered to be more important. Did Perona not see that he was stressed? Was she somehow incapable of detecting the tense aura of frustration and exhaustion practically radiating from his body?

"Perona?"

"What?" she asked.

"Shut up," Zoro said, looking at the pink haired girl with a straight face. He continued to stare at her, his eyes not breaking away as he stared her down with his intense gaze. Perona then gave a weak nod and opened her lab book, not saying a word.

Zoro lowered his gaze at the table, silently thinking to himself. What would he do tomorrow when he saw Sanji? What could he do in order to make it seem look he knew what he was doing? Psychology wasn't getting him anywhere; and that was the god damn study of the mind. If that couldn't help him, then what could? Dreams came from the mind, and if the very study of such couldn't provide him with any valuable information then he was fucked.

He looked over at the Perona, who was sitting quietly at her seat, looking quiet pale and hurt from his past reaction. Zoro sighed, feeling added guilt build inside of him as he realized getting angry was going to get him nowhere. Getting angry at Perona wouldn't solve any of his problems.

"Sorry," he muttered. Zoro waited for a few seconds before relaxing himself, giving another long sigh and sinking into his seat.

"Mhmm," he heard her murmur back to him.

"There's a lot going on right now," Zoro added.

"I could guess that," Perona said, turning to him. Her voice had lit up, as though she had completely forgotten Zoro's cruel attitude towards her.

Zoro nod his head, trying to break the awkward conversation. But a part of him was begging to ask Perona for help. He needed help from someone, anyone. He couldn't tell her though. There was no way she'd keep her mouth shut about Sanji.

"Hey, are you ok?"

"Hmm?" Zoro said.

Perona stared at him with a peculiar expression.

"What?" he asked.

"Hmm, nothing I guess," she muttered. The girl went through her bag and pulled out her notes and lab book. "Just get your stuff out and let's get this over with…"

"Sure," Zoro muttered disdainfully.

* * *

The study of dreams.

It was so fucking simple and yet Zoro couldn't believe it. He had been born into a generation that pretty much relied on Google to make important decisions or answer any and every question imaginable; but someone Zoro missed this wonderful opportunity up until this point.

He had spent more than an hour waiting in the library for a free computer. Hopefully this wait would not go to waste. Zoro sat in the comfy chair, holding his breath as he logged on to the computer, praying that he would actually find something useful.

He typed in the four words and pressed enter.

Oneirology.

Zoro stared at the strange word. He had never heard of it, which made some sense. The word calmed him. He went ahead and clicked on the Wikipedia link, figuring he'd go ahead and get the easiest to understand summary.

" _Current research seeks blah, blah, blah dreaming and blah, blah functions of the brain, as well blah, blah, blah brain works during dreaming as blah, blah, blah mental disorders…"_

Mental disorder? Zoro smirked, shaking his head at the sentence he had just read, People were giving this study way too much credit than what it deserved. But from what he had read Zoro knew he was finally off to a good start. He was at the right place, finally.

Zoro scrolled down, skipping the first two sections before actually giving a look through. He could use information about how dreams worked, the definitions…he would skim through, what influenced them would be helpful thought, and dreaming disorders…well, Sanji wasn't that bad.

He did give a pause as he stared at the section with the title "drugs". Drugs; they affected dreams? Zoro knew that there were pills to help people sleep, but he didn't know there were kinds that affected dreams. And by drugs, was the site referring to medication, or illegal drugs? Sanji probably wouldn't mind taking medicine if it means helping him. But who would give him a prescription? Drugs that stopped someone from dreaming; Zoro couldn't imagine being able to buy those at the local drug store.

Nevertheless Zoro opened another tab, desperate to learn more. True, he couldn't get any drugs that would stop Sanji from dreaming, but perhaps he could find something else.

But what would he search? Typing in "drugs that help you sleep" would only assure a long night for the blonde. He wanted Sanji to get a good night sleep.

"Alcohol?" he asked himself. It was the only thing that he knew that would mess around with the brains ability to go into REM.

What about forgetting? Zoro knew pot was pretty good at making people forget things. Perhaps it could apply to dreams as well. And if you were high you were usually not horribly depressed. "Does pot affect dreams" seemed like a good enough search question. He typed in the following and pressed enter.

Cannabis…affected the ability to dream.

Zoro smiled. Then frowned.

Pot was expensive. Sure, it was twenty dollars here, maybe more during other times; but it added up. Zoro could afford maybe a few weeks worth of the stuff, assuming Sanji used every other day, but nothing long term. Also, pot was illegal. And Sanji would probably kill him if he came into his house with that stuff. Or maybe Sanji would high five him, who knew?

Zoro knew where he could get the stuff. The only problem was the expense. He'd have to hope that Sanji would be willing to shell out cash for the stuff. And there was a risk of addiction…

This would have to be a temporary solution. And emergency solution.

Zoro groaned, slumping into his seat as he placed a hand over his face. What was he thinking; giving illegal drugs to Sanji, and such _expensive_ ones at that? And Sanji was suicidal! What if he decided to harm himself while he was high? He could kill himself without even knowing it. And if there was ever a drug test at his workplace then Sanji might as well kiss his job goodbye. Zoro wasn't sure how long pot stood inside the human body, but it was long enough…

It was stupid, ridiculous, stupid, and fucking stupid.

There had to be other ones out there. Aside from weed. Something that he could get his hands on to that wouldn't result in possible arrest. Something that got in and out without too much affect.

Till then he'd just have to bullshit Sanji into thinking that he knew what he was doing. It would be better than offering him a dime bag of drugs every week. Maybe. Hopefully. _Please_.

"Hey Zoro."

Zoro nearly jumped out of his seat. He spun his chair around, looking at the young man in front of him, smiling brightly despite the cold, rainy day.

"Oh, Johnny," Zoro muttered.

"Oh?" Johnny said with a frown. "Don't seem excited to see me?"

"It's been a long day," Zoro confessed. He let his hand crept over to the mouse, trying to hide what his research. He trusted Johnny, but didn't want to risk it.

"I know, right?" the young man said, still smiling. "You studying for finals? They're less than a month away."

Zoro felt his eye twitch at the reminder. He wished he was ready. He knew he wasn't.

"Yes," he lied.

"Great. Yosaku mentioned you were struggling with one class….can't remember which one; but I think you'll manage just fine. You always pull through at the last minute," Johnny said.

"Thanks," Zoro said. "Look, I need-"

Yosaku and I are trying to get through enough training so we can compete in the next tournament," Johnny went on, not noticing the obvious displeasure in Zoro's pained expression. "I know it means extra work, but I think it'll be worth it."

Life was so cruel. Why wouldn't Johnny just leave? Why was this conversation continuing? Zoro felt his hand land on the mouse. All he had to do now was direct it to the upper right hand corner.

"What about you?" Johnny asked.

"What do you mean?" Zoro asked.

"A lot of the upperclassmen mentioned that you could probably get it; a position," Johnny said.

"Really?" Zoro asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah, you're pretty good."

"Huh," Zoro muttered.

"Everyone says it," Johnny said. "You should give it a try. If you get in you can use your swords too."

Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe small little good things would pop up once in a while and throw his life the bone that it deserved. Zoro hadn't planned anything during winter break; spending it with his swords and improving his skills was always something he looked forward to.

"You smoke?"

"What?" Zoro asked.

Johnny pointed behind Zoro; at the computer screen.

Zoro thought about the possible answers that he could respond with. The two of them were in a library full of students; it wasn't like a confession would lead to him getting into trouble. However, Mihawk was a very, _very_ strict man; and hearing that his students were taking drugs would only mean horrible, unspeakable things.

"Project," Zoro answered.

"Project?" Johnny asked with suspicion.

"Psychology," Zoro continued to lie. "You can ask Perona about it if you don't believe me." That didn't sound odd at all. He took a deep breath, letting it out in the form of a long, but soft sigh. "It's about how certain drugs affect the dreaming process, and how that affects the behavior of a person later on."

"I didn't know you took that," Johnny said.

"Friday only class," Zoro replied.

"Ugh, that really sucks man," Johnny said.

"It's…not that bad," Zoro tried to sound as authentic as he could. "Just gathering information."

"How long does it have to be?" Johnny asked.

"Uhm…at least five pages," Zoro replied.

Leave already. Zoro felt his face tighten as he continued to force a causal look on his face. He really wanted nothing more than to continue his work. He didn't want to talk with Johnny. He didn't want to here about final exams or tournaments or any of that at the moment. No distractions.

"Well…" Zoro stretched the word, trying to sound polite, yet worried over the work he was doing, and hint to the other that he really needed to get back to his duties.

"Oh, right," Johnny said, finally taking the hint. "You got work to do, huh?"

"Yes," Zoro practically yelled the word out. "Lots of work."

"I'll see you later then?"

"Sure, whatever." Zoro didn't even try to sound friendly at this point. He faced the computer and stared at the blank screen, wondering when he finally had managed to hide his page. It didn't matter at this point. He just finished lying-badly-to one of his friends. Three hours ago he had pissed off Perona. Today was going just smoothly.

_When does one quit,_ Zoro thought. Sometimes it's best to quit while you're ahead. This may be one of those moments. Why would he go this far into making his life miserable? Did he really want to help Sanji this much? Or was there something else behind it? He ought not to give up because if he did then Sanji might hurt himself. But he might need to give up the search for today because he was hurting himself. He was making it so much harder.

He was forgetting the reasons behind his actions. And all because of some stupid calls.

Zoro logged off the computer a few minutes late.

* * *

"I wonder what you'd say," Zoro said, staring at the small picture pinned to his wall. He was alone, in his dorm room; his attention focused on the worn Polaroid picture that had been taken more than ten years ago.

Two girls. Identical twins. But Zoro could tell the difference between the two of them, knowing which one was Tashigi, and the other her older sister. The Polaroid camera had been a gift, for the two of them to share. They both took pictures of everything. It had been a sunny day when Zoro had asked if they cold give him a picture of something. Anything. He was nine; just watching them take a picture and seeing it develop right in front of him was exciting. And after all these years he still kept the picture of the two. The only picture he owned of the two.

Two weeks after being given the picture…

Zoro pulled himself away, no longer looking at the worn out picture. It was difficult to think about it. Zoro could still remember, even after all these years, the whole day. Every little moment was etched into his mind. He couldn't forget the pain that he had felt.

People died without warning. That's why life was precious.

Sanji, why would he ever think about killing himself? There are people all over the word who have so much less than him and they still cling on to life, fighting it every day in hopes of achieving something better. Why would he give up so easily? Could something as mysterious as dreams, something that Zoro considered simple and pure, really be the cause of it all? Did the nightmares stem from something else? Either way, it just didn't seem like a good enough reason.

It was lightly sprinkling outside. Sanji was done for the day. Zoro had already considered missing his evening classes to visit the blonde. He gave up on the idea after failing to come up with a valid reason.

Kuina would have been twenty-two. How old was Sanji?

Zoro looked over to his cell. It had been a quiet day. Sanji hadn't called him yet. Zoro only had about twenty minutes before he had to go to class.

When would Sanji call him? When would he hear that voice?

He grabbed his bag, checking and making sure all his work was in there before zipping it up. Zoro reached for his phone and placed it in his bag as well; sure of himself that Sanji wouldn't call anytime soon. A text could wait.

Was it really so bad that he was eager to hear from the blonde? Maybe a little initiative would help him reach his goal. Zoro knew he couldn't ask Sanji about his personal life, at least not his love life, but there was nothing wrong with letting it drive him. Right?

"No," Zoro answered himself. No, he couldn't do that. Sanji was…suicidal. He'd keep repeating himself over and over again till it sunk in. Sanji needed security, not someone flirting with him.

You don't even know," Zoro quickly added. Sanji still could be strait. Luffy might have just been saying things. Sanji didn't even want love. He didn't want anything.

Zoro's face still warmed up as he walked out the door, remembering how Sanji mentioned that he didn't have anyone special, no one worth living for. He had felt hurt to hear this, even though he barely knew the man, and the two of them didn't get along too well. But now, as strange as it was, he was secretly thinking about how he could change that.

Wouldn't it be great if Sanji changed his mind…for him?

Zoro closed and locked the door, walking out of the dorms and over to the campus.


	11. The Setback

_It was a dark, winter night. Thick, huge storm clouds covered the sky. The moon and stars were not visible, only adding more to the dark undertone. It was pitch black; not even the remote street lights or falling snow could add any serenity to the dismal scene. The air was icy and tasted dry. From across the street one of the lights flickered on and off._

_Sanji sat on a worn out bench. He held on to himself, his hands rubbing against his covered arms, trying to keep himself from getting any colder than what he already was. Once in awhile he would glance up, looking around and trying to make out the blurry shapes around him. He couldn't seem to make out the scenery around him. He knew there were buildings out there, or should be; but he couldn't see them. Aside from a few lights, the blackened night sky, the street, and the bench; there was nothing. He was trapped in this small little world. And even though he was in an unrecognizable world; Sanji somehow knew where he was._

_This was the bus stop. He had taken this route before. Even though he couldn't see, he just knew it._

_It was just strange, almost disturbing. Why would he be here in the middle of the night?_

_Nothing made sense anymore. It wasn't realistic. What happened to the dreams that tricked him into believing that his death was real? That he was really being tortured? That he had stumbled into a strange, eerie situation with no hope of escape? He had burned, drowned, froze, been poisoned, been attacked…_

_Was he going to freeze tonight? Or get hit by a car? Maybe he'd get stabbed… Sanji looked around, hoping to catch another living figure in his limited view. But it seemed as though he was truly alone._

_Sanji let go of his arms and began rubbing his stiff legs._

_Snow kept falling, and it was getting colder. Sanji stood up. There had to be something out there. He tried walking away from the cold seat, but found himself almost tied to the area. Something wasn't letting him go any further. It was though he was stuck._

" _Why?" he asked. What was tying him here?_

_Sanji closed his eyes, trying to think of a memory. His mind seemed to be taking it's time with the grim decision of how to die; so he had time to think of this place. He tried to envision the moments, all the times he had sat down and waited for the bus, all the people he had chatted with, the times he had cursed because he had arrived too late, or had forgotten something back home. There were far too many days to count, too many seasons and days of the week that he had taken this bus. Alone, or with friends._

_With someone…_

_With his eyes still closed, Sanji could almost see that old memory. Before he even knew who_ someone _was, there was a memory of_ them _. And it was so old to him, and had seemed so insignificant, that Sanji had never thought to care about it._

_But why was he thinking of it now? What had finally brought him to think of it now? Would he know what to do, what to say in this situation?_

" _I don't trust him", the answer filled Sanji's mind. The voice was so clear. It almost sounded as though_ he _were still here. Behind Sanji. Close to Sanji._

" _Why?" Sanji asked aloud. His eyes were now open. It had stopped snowing, but a sheet of white now covered everything. It hurt to breath in the icy air. Every breath stung and ached the lungs. Sanji didn't care. He wiped away the white fluff that covered his body and looked up into the darkness, hoping to get an answer from the old voice._

" _You can't trust him."_

_Sanji thought about it._

" _He doesn't really know what he's doing."_

 _It sounded true, but Sanji didn't want to believe it. He had been waiting for that supposed cure. Was Zoro incapable of delivering it? Who was really speaking to him right now? Was it_ him _, or was his mind playing tricks on him?_

" _Do whatever you want. If you're happy pretending that you'll be saved, then go on and live. Keep living, and keep waiting. Keep pretending that you're really alive."_

Sanji's eyes opened wide. He gasped, his arms immediately grabbing hold of his shivering, wet body. He took several deep breaths before looking over to the side of his bed expectantly. He wasn't sure why he had expected anyone to be there, no had been for quite a while now. Sanji blinked a few times, trying to let his eyes adjust, as well as rid of any sweat that was trying to get into his eyes. His teeth chattered, from the cold air and from the harsh words his mind had spoken to him.

He wasn't dying anymore in his dreams.

* * *

Zoro stopped walking, letting Sanji take a few steps in front of him before noticing and halting in front of him. The blond turned, his blue eyes immediately looking to the younger man.

"Stop smoking," Zoro said.

Sanji had pulled a cigarette from his pocket, and had halted, staring at Zoro with a dazed and offended expression. It was as though he had been asked to stop breathing.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"I can't imagine the nicotine is doing you any good," Zoro said. He looked down at Sanji's pale fingers, staring at the stick that was carefully kept between the index and middle finger. "We need to start somewhere, why not detoxify yourself?"

"Because I like it and I'd rather not go through withdrawal," Sanji frowned. "And where did you read about anything that had to do with my habits and whatever is going on with me?"

Zoro shrugged.

"You have no idea what the fuck you're even saying," Sanji grumbled.

Zoro shook his head. "The best thing to do is get rid of anything that may be the cause."

Zoro watched as Sanji stared down at his cigarette, looking at it endearingly. Zoro held his breath as Sanji lifted his hand up, analyzing the stick in his hands, deciding what to do with it.

It was the start of December. The two of them had only known each other for a few weeks now. There was nothing stopping Sanji from tossing the cigarette, nor was there anything to stop him from calling bullshit on Zoro. What trust Zoro had built between the two of them was all he had to rely on.

"What the hell am I supposed to do then," Sanji huffed. He pulled out his lighter and stuck the cigarette between his two lips. "Smoking has nothing to do with it…you don't know what you're talking about. At all." He lit it up and took a small breath from the cigarette.

Zoro buried his face into his scarf, leering angrily at Sanji. It had been like the past few days. Sanji would act as though he was listening, but them outright refuse to take Zoro's advice. Zoro would admit that what he was asking for was a bit hard to get rid of, such as alcohol, staying up late, or smoking, but it was all he had. He couldn't offer Sanji sound advice yet. He was still looking. And it seemed like Sanji was catching on to this.

What was he to say? Zoro didn't want to ask for more time. He was afraid of the repercussions. Sanji was still answering his phone and talking to him, which was another reason for Zoro to not ask. If Sanji was still listening, even if it was only just for a few moments, then it meant that Zoro still had control.

"That's going to kill you," he muttered into the scarf. He thought he had been quiet enough when he had said it.

However, Sanji quickly retorted.

"Doesn't really matter then, does it?"

Zoro bit his upper lip. Why was Sanji being so difficult now? He thought he had made a little progress not too long ago, but now things were brittle as ever.

"Whatever," Zoro said, trying to pass the stiffened moment aside.

"Hmph."

"Are you eating?" Zoro asked. He needed to change the subject. He even began to take a few steps, trying to urge the blonde to follow him through the crowded streets. It was the weekend. Neither of them had anywhere to go, but Zoro wanted to be out with Sanji. In public Sanji couldn't have outbreaks. He had to stay calm and keep his cool in front of the strangers. Also Zoro wanted to be with the blonde. Even though Sanji was acting cold towards him.

"Yeah?"

"More?" Zoro pressed. He found himself quickening his pace as he noticed Sanji was now more than a few steps ahead of him.

"I gained weight," Sanji said stiffly. A trial of smoke followed behind him and made its way into Zoro's view. His eyes watered a bit when the dry air irritated his eyes.

He was pissed.

Zoro held his breath, finding it harder to contain himself from grabbing Sanji and letting him have it. What had happened between the two of them that had caused this?

"I'm failing…"

Sanji stopped and turned around.

"What?"

"Chemistry," Zoro answered. "I'm not going to pass this semester."

Sanji stared silently. He didn't take a breath from the cigarette.

"I'm going to have to take it again, and hope I pass with a C," Zoro said. He crossed his arms. "I won't be able to go abroad next semester either."

"Are you blaming me?" Sanji asked. H lowered his head a little. Zoro could see a little darkness underneath the other's eye.

"No," Zoro said. "I wasn't doing well before I met you. It's all my fault."

Sanji took his cigarette and tossed it to the floor. He snuffed it out with his shoe, his visible eye staring down at the snuffed out stick.

"I don't like pity parties." Sanji licked his lips.

"Unless they involve yourself?" Zoro asked.

"No!" Sanji barked.

"Why are you angry at me?"

"I never said I was," Sanji said. A few people were looking over at them. Zoro knew he ought to have felt embarrassed for starting this. He was more upset than anything.

"Your mannerisms say otherwise," Zoro said. He quieted his voice down, hoping to lessen the attention they were drawing.

"I'm surprised you know what that means," Sanji said.

"I need to know what's wrong," Zoro said. He took a small step closer to Sanji. The blond took a step away, a large step.

"It's nothing," Sanji lied.

"Please stop lying," Zoro said. His voice was loud again. A few people were still watching, but most kept their attention on other things. Thank god, they looked like a bickering couple.

Sanji scoffed, and then laughed.

"Really?" he asked.

Zoro went quiet.

"You're really going to tell me that?" Sanji asked again. He shook his head, chuckling and frightening the other man. He lifted his head up high and took in a deep breath. "You're so full of bullshit, you know that?"

"What?" Zoro asked.

"You heard me," Sanji answered. He stared silently at Zoro and then walked off.

Zoro stood where he was, dazed at everything that had just been said, He finally realized that Sanji was almost across the street and hurried up to catch him. Zoro ran for it, bumping into people and nearly getting hit by a car when he made a grab for Sanji's arm. The blond noticed, or perhaps expected it, and moved aside before Zoro could reach out for him.

"Don't touch me," Sanji said. His face was full of disgust.

"Why?" Zoro asked. He got in front of Sanji, trying to stop him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He waited but got no answer. Zoro tried again. "I thought I was getting somewhere with you…"

"I'm leaving," Sanji said.

"What?"

"Get out of my way," Sanji said in a threatening tone.

Zoro panicked. Sanji couldn't be backing out now.

"No," Zoro said.

"Move. Now," Sanji said, louder.

"Sanji," Zoro said. "You need to calm down and think, just for one second…" He placed a hand on Sanji's shoulder, trying to keep the blond where he was. He felt the body tense up in his hand. Suddenly Sanji pulled away from Zoro, causing him to take a few step back from the quick rough movement. Zoro tried to grab hold again, but was met with a sharp pain on his lower leg. Zoro fell to the floor, his hands barely easing the impact. His hissed in pain, and looked up expecting to see the blond above him.

But Sanji was gone, as soon as he had kicked him in the side he had hurried off to get away. Zoro pushed himself into a sitting position, a hand rubbing at his pained leg. People were surrounding him, watching him and talking about him… Zoro didn't care though. He looked ahead, trying to spot Sanji. He wasn't there. He couldn't spot him.

"Sanji…?"

* * *

"Is that what happened?" Robin asked. "Please tell me you plan to take this to the authorities?" She pulled out an icy pack from the freezer and handed it to Zoro, who was sitting at the kitchen table. Zoro snatched it from her, not willing to look her in the face. He placed the pack on his bruised leg, wincing at the sting it produced. His leg was swollen now…he had no idea how he would explain it to his instructor tomorrow. So much for trying to apply for a spot.

"Zoro, _please_."

Zoro sighed.

"Not now, Robin," he muttered.

"You can't just tell me this and back away," Robin said. She crossed her arms and frowned at Zoro. "Hiding from these problems will not make them go away."

"I told you, didn't I?" Zoro asked.

"Actions speak louder than words, surely you've heard of that?" robin said. She sat herself down on the chair just opposite of Zoro's. "And now you finally understand…"

"I can't…" Zoro said. "Not yet."

"He could be in serious trouble now," Robin said. She placed her hand on Zoro's, trying to reach the younger man and console him. "What if he does it today?"

"He was too pissed off," Zoro said.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"He needs to be heartbroken, desperate," Zoro answered. He felt Robin's hand lift from his. He couldn't blamer her. "Right now he's just realized…"

"Realized what?" Robin asked. "That you, a boy his age, can't give him the answers he wants?"

Zoro frowned.

"As a matter of fact, yes," he answered.

"Professional help," Robin said. "If you don't want to see him kill himself, then you'll call emergency hotline right now."

Zoro looked over to the window and sighed. He must have spent several hours looking for Sanji. He wasn't anywhere in the area where he left him. And when Zoro managed to find his car and drive over to his apartment, he found out that Sanji wasn't there either.

But where could Sanji be? Somehow Zoro Sanji was still alive…but where?

An even better question arose.

"When did he realize I can't help him?" Zoro asked aloud.

Robin lowered her head.

"He may have always known," she answered him. "I think we all know when we're being lead astray, we just don't want to believe it right away."

"I…I met his friends," Zoro said.

"And?"

Zoro thought about Luffy. Chances were Sanji had other friends who knew there was something going on. Was this the right way for them to find out?

"I don't want them to see that," Zoro said.

"They need to know sooner or later," Robin said.

"I can't."

"Why, Zoro?" Robin asked again. Her voice was overly stressed.

Zoro didn't have to think too hard. He just didn't want to betray Sanji. He didn't want to hurt him. Even though he had a purple bruise covering a portion of his lower leg, Zoro still saw how fragile Sanji was. Maybe not physically, but he was definitely not well mentally.

 _This is why you don't crush on the mentally unsound_ , Zoro thought.

What had made Sanji so hesitant? Was it a dream, and if it was; why didn't Sanji just ask him upfront about it?

"Because…" Zoro said.

"Zoro…"

"…I need to make a call," Zoro added.

Zoro pulled his phone from his pocket. He knew there was no way Sanji would answer his phone. He looked up and saw Robin staring at him with an impatient expression.

"Leave," he asked.

Although her silence suggested otherwise robin got up from her seat and walked into the legroom. Zoro sat with his eyes on his phone, waiting for Robin to be far enough for him to feel safe to call.

He only had one shot at this. Sanji wasn't going to talk to him right now, which meant he had to get someone else to do it for him. He also needed valuable information that Sanji hadn't provided for him. He knew one person aside from him knew that Sanji was upset, and hope that person could provide some helpful advice.

Zoro went through his contacts and stopped at Luffy's name. Although he only knew the boy for a couple of weeks, Zoro was sure he could trust Luffy with what he was about to say. Suicide and tormenting dreams could be left out, so long as his message got through to Luffy. He pressed on call and put the cell phone to his ears and waited for an answer.

'Click', Zoro grabbed the phone with both of his hands.

"Zoro?" he heard Luffy's voice.

Luffy had answered. Zoro needed to explain himself to Luffy without coming off as too suspicious. He couldn't let Luffy know what he did. He didn't want…

Zoro's breath went shaky from nervousness. "Luffy," he said. His voice shook. "Uhm, I need to talk with you…"

"Ok," Luffy answered. "What is it?"

"In person," Zoro said. "It's really important."

"Is there something wrong?"

Zoro gave a nod, even though he was on the phone. Somehow Luffy caught on.

"Where are you?"

"I can meet up with you," Zoro said. "Just tell me where you are and I'll get to you."

"My place, but you've never been there," Luffy said.

"Just give me the address," Zoro said into the phone.

"…Zoro?"

"Yeah?" he asked.

"What…can you tell me what's wrong?"

Zoro felt his jaw droop. He only needed to say one word.

"Sanji-"

"-Oh."

* * *

Sanji snuffed out his fifth cigarette into the ashtray and yawned. He looked over and stared at the closed window of Zeff's office and saw that it was getting dark. His finger tingled. He felt so cold, even after being in the temperature controlled office for more than two hours now.

He couldn't stop thinking about what he had done. Fighting Zoro like that, in public, in the middle of the day! He had caused such a scene. And then he spent a good two to three hours walking himself all the way over here…just to waste time?

Sanji never felt so…so…

So _what_?

He had no idea at this point. He had felt just about everything now. Empty, strange, disgruntled, upset, horrified, sad, terrified; he had felt depressed about it all that it didn't really make much of a difference.

Sanji closed his eyes. He could almost see the back of the art building, where he would secretly smoke a cigarette during lunch period. Fifteen minutes out of his forty-five were dedicated to that moment. He'd smoke, and so would _another_. That man. That genius. That emotionless bastard.

"It's the nicotine," Sanji muttered to himself. "The body becomes addicted to it…and so it releases hormones so every time you smoke it you feel good."

That's all it was ever about. There was always an explanation to something that had to do with chemicals or hormones. Sanji was sure half of what was said had to be bull. He probably said all of it just to upset others, to test them and get off on their reactions.

_Sanji, did you know? Just when you're about to die your body releases a very special chemical. Dimethyltryptamine. DMT. You wanna know what it does?_

He always knew. He knew and he would always bring it up too, because he knew it's what kept him going. It made him think. Sanji had to think when those topics were brought up. What was making him so upset? Was it really the stress, or was there some sort of malfunction inside of him that made him release too much or too little of anything? But then he'd wonder if what he was told even real or not. Was it this that was making him feel this way, or did he fall into the same trick that everyone else did?

"You can't trust doctor," Sanji chuckled. "Not even they know what the hell they're saying."

_It's the drug that makes you dream. Your body releases so much of it, because it wants you to go out feeling good. That light at the end of the tunnel? If you believe in it enough, it'll show, because of that drug._

So ironic now. Sanji wanted nothing to do with dreams. Every time he slept it was a nightmare. He wasn't sure if he wanted an overdose of the same stuff that was killing him.

_When you die, you dream. You dream everything is going to be just fine. And then it's back to the way it was before you were born. There's only a bit of pain, then you dream, Sanji._

Maybe it was bullshit. Getting high right before death and reaming sounded so poetic, but then people who die also soil themselves as well.

He said a lot of shit. Sanji figured it was probably because he knew that he fed him this. He just wanted him to feel less upset about the whole matter, when Sanji was still afraid of death. He made it sound wonderful and something that shouldn't be so scary.

It sounded welcoming right now.


	12. Alone

Luffy's house was filled to the ceiling with boxes full of what looked like important files. The sound of heavy metal permeated from the top, making it's way across the walls and shook the floor. Zoro couldn't hear any sort of air conditioner or heater, yet the house felt like it was set in the middle of a rainforest.

"Don't mind the mess," Luffy said in a surprisingly casual tone. His face didn't seem to hold a hint of resentment or worry. "Its all my gramp's…just be sure not to touch anything.

"Alright." Zoro muttered. He followed Luffy through the maze, once in a while looking up and trying to make out the song that was being played from above. Anything to keep his mind off the conversation that he was about to have.

He wasn't even sure what he was supposed to say to Luffy. How could he explain the dire situation he was in without giving away the one secret he had promised Sanji? But for all he knew the blond was out planning his next suicide attempt. If he died…if he died…he didn't….know…

"Are you ok?"

"…what?" Zoro looked ahead of him, suddenly aware that he was on the second floor of the crowded house.

A young man peering out from the room hat seemed to be the source of all the music stared at him.

"Not now Ace," Luffy said. His voice was no longer calm. He wasn't sure what it was. "Turn down your music."

"Why?"

"Just turn it down, ok?" Now he was sounding desperate. Zoro wanted to leave.

"Alright, alright," the man muttered. He closed the door behind him and the sound of the loud smashing base and screaming guitars began to cease.

"Here's my room," Luffy said. Zoro slowly entered the room, feeling his legs grow heavy with regret. Luffy offered him the bed while he took an old office chair for himself. Zoro nervously peered around the room, waiting for Luffy to make himself comfortable.

"Zoro?"

Zoro turned his head sharply at Luffy. His neck felt inflexible. "Yes?"

"Are you going to be ok?"

He didn't expect that to be the first thing Luffy would say to him.

"What?"

"You look pale," Luffy said. He could see the growing concern on the boy's face. "It's not your fault, you know."

"Luffy…"

"I guess I couldn't stop you from liking Sanji." He added on.

The sentence came out from nowhere. Zoro felt his face heat up. He looked up at Luffy and shook his head.

"I never did…trust me I never did say anything to him about _that_."

"Are you sure?" Luffy asked. "Your face is really-"

"Nothing like that."

"What did he say to you then?"

"Well, about that…"

"Did you two get into a fight?" he asked.

Zoro couldn't deny Luffy that shred of truth. It would be the easiest confession he would muster up, compared to everything else that he knew.

"What was it about?"

"Well…Luffy, you see…" Zoro felt his voice go weak and his throat dry. He wasn't sure how to word this without feeling like a complete asshole. He could see that Luffy was eager to know, to help fix whatever problem he had, but Zoro knew that the secrets he held would ruin everything. Even though the friendship he had built with Luffy was based on a lie, he wanted it to keep on going. Sanji would never forgive him for telling the truth, and the more he thought about it, neither would Luffy or anyone else.

"I think…I think Sanji might be depressed," Zoro finally managed to say. It was half of a truth. Sanji was depressed. No one could say otherwise.

"Oh," he heard Luffy say. He watched the young man's head sink, covering his face with a mess of dark hair.

"Luffy?"

The boy was quiet, perhaps deep in thought, or maybe trying to take the news in. But it looked like he believed him.

"I know."

"What?" Zoro asked.

"I know he's sad," Luffy said, his head rising, looking at Zoro with a look he had never seen on the boy. A look of helplessness. "I don't know why, but I can tell that he's not happy as he used to be."

Luffy knew.

"Does anybody else know about it?" he asked.

"Usopp will mention that he'll be distant or overly quiet, and Nami would complain about him when they were together, but I don't think anybody ever really figured it out. I think the changes were to small, too slow and subtle for everyone to really spot." Luffy crossed his arms tightly around his chest and pressed his lips together. He hiccupped.

"I'm sorry," Zoro said.

"At least I'm not the only one who does see it," Luffy whimpered.

"Don't be upset," Zoro said. "None of this is your fault."

"But it is," Luffy said. The boy whipped his face and took a deep breath. "We're supposed to be friends. Best friends. But he never once came up to me to tell me what was wrong. I can see that he's upset, but he just wont tell any of us what's wrong."

"Maybe he's too proud?" Zoro said. He could fee; the guilt spread across his heart as he watched Luffy continue to stop himself from sobbing. It was terrible, and it was his entire fault. He knew he could end all of this simply by telling Luffy what was going on, but now he was too scared to even mention it. How would Luffy feel knowing one of his closest friends tried to jump off a bridge the month before? Worse, that he knew about it this whole time but never said a word, pretending to get along well with Sanji while they bickered between each other over how he would get help.

"Is that why you fought?"

There was only one right answer to this question.

"Yes." Zoro felt some of the weight lift off from him.

"Oh." The boy sank in his chair and stared up at his ceiling. His chest was straight and flat, Zoro could see that he was holding his breath he tried to think up the next question.

"Do you know where he is?" Luffy asked.

"No," Zoro answered.

"Have you tried calling him?"

Zoro shook his head. "I thought that I'd leave him alone…it was so stupid."

"Then you don't have to worry then."

"What?"

Luffy frowned. "I'll talk to him. It's clear that he needs someone to talk to. But you don't have to deal with him anymore if you don't want to. It's not fair to you, or to anybody else who doesn't understand what's going on."

"I can't do that," Zoro said. "That's not fair to you."

There were other reasons, but Zoro couldn't think about them. What if he chose to leave right now, and left Luffy to care for a friend so broken it was near impossible to fix? Luffy would hate him for it. He would hate himself for doing something so selfish.

And to leave Sanji? He hated the blonde so much right now, but the thought of losing him was unbearable. It hurt him to even think of leaving him alone without someone to be able to talk to. His eyes burned at the mere idea of no longer being able to be with him. The y fought each other and could never get along, but it was better than never being together.

"But it's not fair to you."

"I know," Zoro said. He felt his skin heat up, cheeks prickling with warmth after having said the words.

"Are you sure you're just friends with Sanji?"

"Yes," Zoro said, becoming irritated. "How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Because I don't want him breaking your heart," Luffy said. "That's why you need to leave. Just for a while. I'll talk to him."

"I cant," Zoro said.

"You're going to have to," Luffy said in an almost threatening voice.

"You can't stop me…what if he needs me?"

"You said you were only friends."

The words stung. For the first time Zoro felt resentment towards Luffy.

"We are, but you don't know…"

"Know what?" the boy asked. "That he's lied about relationships? That he pretends to be busy doing something when he's really spending the whole day inside? That he's taken a leave from his college, but acts like he's still attending?!" Tears ran down Luffy's face, as he grew more upset. "I know, Zoro, I know what's going on."

Zoro stood up from Luffy's bed, his body full of adrenaline and mind full of confusion and anger. He had to fight ever instinct within him in order to avoid hitting Luffy. He huffed, feeling his chest burn with violent desire. Luffy stared up at him, his face solemn.

The door suddenly produced the sound of four loud knocks. Both men continued to glare at each other as the door slowly opened, revealing the older man from before.

"Is something going on?" he asked. He looked over at Luffy and frowned. "What happened here? Luffy, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing Ace," he said.

"Yeah," Zoro said, "I was just leaving."

"You can't go! Not yet," Luffy said.

"Whatever," Zoro said. "I'm done with this." He pushed his way past Ace and hurried for the stairs. He could hear the voices of the two behind him, but didn't care. He would make up with Sanji, beg for forgiveness, whatever it took to get him back. The things Luffy just said, Zoro wondered, were they real or not? Luffy had mentioned that Sanji may have dated other men, but just now mentioned lying? What did that mean? He pushed the thought away and tried to focus on the important issue of trying to help Sanji. He'd go back to his place and try to talk it out with him. It had been a whole day, by now the blond must have cooled off. He probably even left a text.

"Hey asshole, the door's the other way!" he heard Ace scream from the second floor. Zoro growled as he made an about face and exited out the house, leaving the door slightly ajar as he rushed outside.

Just as he made his way to his car he saw a shadow appear behind him. He stopped where he was, though he didn't know why, and waited for Luffy to finish.

"I think you're lying to me," he heard Luffy say from behind.

Zoro held his breath.

"Don't go to him, please."

And then released. He felt his hands grow cold and numb from the weather.

"But…" Zoro didn't want to finish the sentence. His pride wouldn't let him utter those god awful words.

"He lied."

"Just like me," Zoro muttered to himself.

"He lied about them all," Luffy said. "All the girls he met while he was dating Nami, and after."

Zoro felt tears run down his cheeks. There was another problem with the depressed. They do stupid things. Like sleeping around.

"And Law!"

Zoro turned around and looked at Luffy, dressed in his stupid shorts, standing out on the porch in freezing weather. The girls were bad enough. The jealousy over women he had never met was bad enough. But something in his gut told him that the name Luffy had uttered was another case.

"He was too ashamed to talk about Law, and he's only gotten worse." Luffy said. "You're a wonderful friend, Zoro. You don't deserve that…"

"Who the fuck is Law?"

Luffy sighed.

"He's the reason I was able to see." Luffy's arms sank to his sides. "He told me once…he said Sanji was going to kill himself."

And there it was. The crushing blow of defeat. All of the sudden Zoro realized something about himself and the relationship he held with Sanji. None of it was special. Someone else had had their way with all of this, but had left the game early, leaving him with the broken remains of a person. Whatever hope there was before was gone, and now the prospects of seeing the blonde later suddenly became dismal.

"Zoro…"

"I need to go," he said. He heard Luffy call for him, but it was too late now. He had to get to the car, had to race and find Sanji before it was too late. He had to hope it wasn't already to late to pick up the broken pieces. Wasn't too late…too late.

"Zoro! Zoro!"

…

"Zoro!"

* * *

It was the middle of summer. It was at night. Sanji could remember it, the fond memory, when he lay on the cool bed, waiting impatiently for Nami to return from the washroom. His whole body was covered in goosebumps as he pressed as hand against his chest, forcing himself to breath slower as not to appear inexperienced.

He remembered staring up at the ceiling. He reminded himself that he wasn't a virgin. He had never been with a woman before, but he wasn't a virgin.

"What are you doing?"

Or did she say something else? He really didn't remember the dialog too well. He turned his head and stared at polka-dotted pink underwear wrapped. Her skin looked smooth; pink from the eternal heat her body was producing.

"Thinking. About you." Sanji was sure he said those words. Almost. Perhaps he needed to think about it more.

"How sweet." Her hands touched his warm cheeks. His whole body shivered from the contact. His heart ached as it beat against his tightened chest cavity.

Nami lowered her head, just above where his rested. Her orange curls touched his forehead. He stared up at her brown eyes as she attempted to read his thoughts. Her hands rested on the bed. He could feel the bed shake and heard it creak as she moved she situated herself above him; all while keeping her eyes on his. She was trying to figure him out. He knew how to play this game.

"Tell the truth," she said. Sanji was positive she said it. "You've never done this before."

He refrained from nodding his head. He felt like a virgin all over again, and for the wrong reasons. He was to know what she wanted-what any woman would want right now. He wanted to have his way with her…but was afraid he'd do it wrong. But he sure as hell wasn't going to admit it to her.

"Try me."

Those words that still brought a sense of shame hit the back of his mind harder than a racket ball. Sanji still couldn't believe that she fell for his words, sure of himself that she secretly knew-still does know-but chose to play along with the game. They stayed together for so long, it had to be worth it in the end for her. He was worth it for her.

"I'll break you. I'll tear you apart."

A snicker. Then a laugh. But it wasn't Nami who said that. Not the laughing. Any of it. No, he laughed. He thought it was funny. He was the one laughing, in bed, this time clothed, waiting for the inevitable. Nami wasn't there. It was winter this time, and the sheets covered him awkwardly in order to keep him from going cold before entry. That night was worse. The subzero weather, frightened laugh, the terrible comment, and the truth behind it all.

And Sanji looked out the window, recalling the new memory. The night wasn't too far from the one right now. It wasn't raining as it was now, but it was just as cold and gloomy. He was alone, feeling sick to his stomach. His mind running downhill into the unknown, where thoughts lead to less than rewarding actions. He was still thinking about killing himself. The dreams were just images running around in his mind. The history class from several hours before mentioned the Americans' dropping an atomic bomb in the middle of japan, frying everyone lucky enough to be within it's range. Everyone else got cancer and died slowly. He wondered what that must have felt like. To have to choose between a death lasting a few seconds or one ten years was just a strange thought passing through his mind. He never would have guessed that he would dream about it years later.

Alone in his room, thinking about committing suicide, feeling like throwing up all over his blankets, and then the doorbell rang.

Sanji looked over the bed, now, alone and staring at the phone; wondering whether Zoro would report him. It had been hours now, and the young man hadn't left so much as a text. Or was the moss head waiting for him to call? He wasn't going to call. This didn't stop him from staring at the cell phone for several seconds more, his sanity still clinging to the hope that someone would try to stop him.

The other side of him mind had had enough. It kept lingering on those sensual memories, not matter how pathetic they were, how disgusting and unloving. These memories were the only thing that seemed to really matter. Brief moments where he was connected to another person, so close, and so delicate, but so strong, and although it was short, it was more than enough for him. It was wonderful, even those times that hurt.

And then the doorbell rang…

He wondered, still staring up at the ceiling and counting the protrusions, who was at the door. He wasn't worried. He wasn't planning on answering.

"I know you're in there!"

He remembered the words, the voice, and the very way in which it was spoken. So playful and mocking, taunting him, forcing him up out of his cocoon and out the window where he saw the figuring standing below him. It was dark, raining, and the light above the front door was dull and flickering, but he could see the brown, dominant stare from the man that he detested.

"You're still alive?" It was painfully sarcastic. "I was afraid you actually did yourself in."

He was disappointed. A man who was supposed to become a doctor and care about the health of others mocked him, almost as though he was waiting for him, wanted him to die. He was watching and hoping to witness the horrific event, picking at him and provoking him. Why don't you do it? He asked. Why complain all the time when there's a razor in the bathroom? He'd go on. What kind of doctor was he?

"Luffy wanted to see you, but I insisted on dropping of your homework." Now the two of them were in the room, staring coldly at each other. It seemed neither of them wanted to be in the presence of the other, but Sanji felt at the very least that he would go insane and off the edge if the young man left him.

"You left right in the middle of the day."

Panic grabbed hold of him, and the need for life was surging through his veins. He now wanted to live. Instinct took over and fear for his life caused him to focus his attention on the frustrated man standing in the middle of his room. Ringing out his hat, looking smug, annoyed at the situation, calling out Sanji for being alive when he was so hoping to see a drained out body and a pool of blood underneath.

"I'm scared."

"Lovely. I don't care."

"I can't go back to school. I just feel…drained. I don't know why." His words fell on death ears. Sanji knew he didn't care. He was curious, fascinated, but couldn't really care less for how he felt.

"What do you want me to say?" The words stung. Sanji could feel his body go cold, stiff, like it was dead, had been dead for hours, perhaps longer.

"You're suffering from depression. It's getting worse."

Nami cared, but only because she didn't know what was going on. Perhaps if he had told her while he was in some control over his thoughts, then maybe there would have been more hope for them. He should have been honest, told her about the way he felt. The growing pain, no matter how awful it was, would have meant something to her. Maybe receiving help wouldn't have been so bad. But not now…it was too late. He couldn't ever think straight, and wasn't sure if he did want to. Zoro cared. It didn't matter what the reasons were anymore, but he did care. Zoro didn't want to feel guilty, but he still cared about him. He was gone and there was hardly a thing he could cling to. Nothing left for him to call and excuse, a reason to wake up and try. Nobody else knew; nobody else cared.

"Are you going to cry? Why?"

Law knew.

"Why are you still alive?"

But…he didn't care. Ever.

"I've already told you; I'm not going to tell a soul. Just do it. Down the road-with a sharp blade. In the tub…make sure to take some painkillers. It wont hurt too much. I'll pretend to be surprised when I call the cops."

Or maybe he did…and had a sick way of showing it. It may not even have been sick, but instead ahead of its time. Underneath the morbid curiosity might have been a sense of care and worry, but rather than take the usual approach and offer help, Law decided to choose a more modern, unique route, so modern and unique that it was unthinkable. After all, one's death was only considered the worst possible outcome because it meant the end of life. But Law had proven time and time again that the end of life meant the end of suffering. He hated it, pushed the words away and begged for Law to say something else, anything else, but was handed this brute evidence over and over again.

And only now was it making sense.

Zoro had wasted his time. Sanji now knew this. How could he possibly have helped him if all he did was force him to live another day? That woman, Robin, was just as bad. They promised him something he couldn't ever achieve, and thus extended his suffering. It was his fault too. He shouldn't have let either of them get in the way, but instead he his instinct take control and thanked them for pulling him away from deaths door. It was foolish, selfish, and now he was back right where he started, only feeling worse.

"This is getting weird."

"I feel sick." Sanji remembered looking underneath brown eyes and staring at the dark shade that had developed from years of studying, stress, and morbid curiosity. He knew Law couldn't care less about how he had felt at the time, and it made him want to vomit. He wanted someone to tell him to stop. It was also Law who made it worse. He made it worse by finally falling for his pleas, for giving in to pain and rather than mock him, began to pity him.

"What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?" He could feel the frustration emitting from Law. He had regretted confining his feeling to the man. He remembered wishing for Luffy, praying for him to arrive and save him. The rain continued to hit the window collecting condensation from his heat. It was pitch black outside.

"Not that. Anything else…but not that." He knew Luffy wouldn't come. He's spend the rest of the night alone, and he would have probably killed himself if he hadn't begged Law to stop him. After that the memories became a scrambled mess of heat and regret, Sanji taking a new form of torture from Law, just to ensure that he would have someone by his side. That was a strange night. He had had sex with a man that never really cared about him, or cared about him too much for him to live, and then somehow he found a will to live, even if it was temporary. Sex definitely gave him something to look forward to. After the hallucinations, the voices, dark thoughts evolved into headaches and eventual nightmares, he kept on going to school, to work, hanging out with his friends, all with the prospects of having someone share his bed.

"Very weird."

"I don't want to die."

" _Yet_. You don't want to die _yet_."

Sanji shuttered. He blinked several times, feeling tears run down his face, his face stiff and his throat tight. He could taste blood in his mouth from biting down on his lip, but the pain he was feeling was minimal compared to how he felt inside.

"That's a cute look," he could hear Nami. She lay next to him, her arm entangles with his. He had been thinking about a dream he had the night before, when he dared to fall asleep without someone by his side. He couldn't remember what it was about, only that it had terrified him, left him awake choking out cries.

"What look?"

"The one you just had. Like you were in deep thought."

Deep thought? Like now, he thought. Flakes of snow were now clinging to the window; shards of white in the black night. The room was quiet; the whole apartment was silent as though it were aware of the sudden change that had just occurred. Once again there was that hollow feeling. The emptiness and despair that came with the thought of ending precious life, along with the ecstasy, the sexual perversion and satisfaction of doing the deed, succeeding, and getting away with it. No more pain, sadness, nothing. An arousing thought that brought more tears, but strangely enough, yet unsurprising, a smile. But for the first time there was no voice begging him to stop, nothing telling him to rethink his plans, or reminding him that death was death. True, there was sadness at the realization that he was going to die, but at the same time there was acceptance. True acceptance. A beautiful heartache that that filled his chest as he felt himself saying, "It's alright. It will be ok. Really, it will."

Sanji grabbed on to his chest, feeling his heart race with euphoria and adrenaline.

It wasn't like before. There was really nothing stopping now. All the good memories had successfully melded with the bad, and all had come to the conclusion that, good or bad, they did nothing but stop him. And with this wisdom his mind was able to finally agree with what he felt His instincts no longer fought back. It was though he had been placed back to where he once stood at the bridge, but this time it was the middle of the night, and there would be no one to spot him. Not tonight, it was too dark, and there was snow out. He crawled over to the window, his cheeks red and rosy from the salt residue, pressed against the cold glass as he peered out into space. Twinkled specks flew amongst the wind, crashing into his window in hopes of scaring him off, but it was now more inviting than ever.

Sanji picked up his phone as he made his way at the door. Staring at it for a long time, his mind racing through the few memories he had made with Zoro the past month. Like everyone else, he would have to come to terms with this. There was a shred of guilt, for only a brief second, as he recognized the fact that Zoro, like Luffy, Usopp, Nami, and everyone else, was a friend. As much as he had despised the man, at the very least he was a good friend. And even though he was rushing out for an impromptu suicide, the very least he could do was save Zoro from suspicion. He flipped his phone over and opened the case in the back, pulling out the battery from it and tossing it across the room, were it fell in-between the bed and the wall. He tucked his phone in his pocket. The memory card wouldn't make it in the icy salt water, all the texts between him that the mosshead would be lost.

Sanji grabbed the closest jacket he could find; anything would due so long as it kept him warm enough for him to reach his destination. He shoved his phone into his pocket and left his room, leaving everything else behind. There wasn't going to be a note this time. No bus fair either. He'd walk there. No keys. No walking shoes that would get left behind.

He maneuvered his way through the dark, making sure he was quiet enough to not wake Usopp. He unlocked the door, not bothering to give the place one last look, and then locked it back up, closing the door behind him and sealing his fate. My end, he thought. He looked up at the sky, the snow hitting his face reminding him of all the dreams he had before. It was a like a dream. Was this a dream?

Sanji took a step into the snow, then another, and then the light all around began to fade away as the December night claimed him.


	13. The Bridge

The snow made driving difficult. It pelted the window and made controlling the vehicle almost impossible, slowing Zoro way below the speed limit. He knew he was going the right way, but it made little difference. He had no proof something was going to happen, but somehow a feeling inside of him compelled him to hurry over to Sanji's place. Zoro turned the windshield wipers on max and leaned in close, tying to get a between view of his current surroundings. He could barely make out the street, let alone the name, yet he was sure he was going in the right direction.

The slush on Zoro's window was beginning to freeze. It was getting colder and time was running out. Would Sanji even be at his apartment? Zoro pulled his cell from his pocket and stared at it, tuning out the sounds of the unforgiving winds and icy assaults.

"Please pick up the phone…"

Zoro punched in Usopp's number and pressed the phone to his ear, hiding it as best as he could while trying to navigate through the impossible weather.

"Pick up! Dammit!" The phone kept ringing. Zoro continued to squint his eyes and try to make out the names of the streets that he was blindly passing.

"H-hello?" Usopp's lazy voice welcomed Zoro's ears.

"Usopp!" Zoro said. "Usopp, where are you?"

"Zoro?" Usopp yawned. "Man, what time is it?"

"Nevermind that!" Zoro practically yelled into the phone. He no longer cared about keeping any secrets at this point, and cared little about hiding his growing fear. "Where are you? Is Sanji with you?"

"What? I'm at home," Usopp answered.

"Is Sanji with you?"

"Uhm, I don't know. Maybe, it's pretty late."

Zoro nearly let go of the steering wheel, wanting to smash his fist against the dashboard. He felt his hand shake, squeezing the phone till it made his whole arm numb.

"Check now!" He barked into the phone. "I need to know."

"…Why?" he heard Usopp ask. "…is there something wr-"

"Oh for fucks sake, just check!"

By this point Zoro was nearly at the complex. If Sanji wasn't there then he could be anywhere, and Zoro would have wasted his time.

"Alright, Jesus!" he heard Usopp yell back. "I'll check…"

Zoro looked around, surveying the streets and checking to see if anyone was out there in the cold. The wind made it hard to tell if he was looking at a person or object. If Sanji had gone out, would anyone have noticed? Would they have stopped to check? Zoro felt sweat run down his neck. His body ached from a nauseating rush.

Although he was the only one on the road, Zoro turned on his blinkers and parked his car on the side. What would he do if Sanji had left? Zoro looked out the window and saw nothing but snow assaulting the dark scenery. There would be nothing he could do…not on his own.

"No."

The answer hit Zoro quickly. He himself didn't believe it.

"What?" he asked in disbelief.

"He's not here," Usopp answered. Zoro could hear the annoyance in the other man's voice. "He's probably with Nami or something." He sounded to insincere…completely ignorant.

And yet this surprised Zoro. Everything about this surprised him. He couldn't be angry with Usopp, but Zoro was angry. He was furious. He shouldn't be shocked that Sanji had left the apartment, probably hours ago, yet Zoro didn't want to believe it. It all just seemed to have come out from nowhere, despite it practically being premeditated. And the answer hit Zoro so hard he lost his breath. This meant Sanji was gone. He was either out in the cold planning his death…or…

"Oh…" Zoro choked out. "O-ok."

"Is that you needed? Can I go to bed now?"

"Yeah," Zoro said. He hung up before Usopp could detect the sorrow that was now overtaking him. Zoro dropped the phone and let both hands clench the wheel, his head resting in-between his arms as he stared down at his stiffened legs.

Zoro could hear a silent voice in the back of his head begin to count. He held his breath and closed his eyes, counting alongside, feeling hot tears run down his face. His cheeks began to burn, his stomach churn and cramp.

Sanji was gone. He was gone. You couldn't save him.

Zoro continued to hold his breath, trying to suppress the horrid feeling growing inside of him. The tears wouldn't stop. His teeth were hard pressed against his tongue. He could taste blood. He had to calm down.

He was gone. He was gone.

Calm down. He had to think.

How far could Sanji have travelled in this weather? Zoro looked at the thin layer of ice covering the window. It was impossible to see through at this point. Sanji would have had a hard time getting through with such low visibility. But where was he going?

Zoro chewed at his inner lip, trying to concentrate though the adrenaline and stress. His heart felt like a brick hitting him against the chest. There were only so many places that would be open at this hour, he thought, and at this weather most would be closed. Would Sanji even be going out to drink right now, or was he the kind to just go and get it over with? Zoro lingered on the latter for several moments, feeling a dread overwhelm him, causing Zoro to break down once more.

He couldn't have gotten far, he told himself, but the words had little effect on what he was feeling.

"Where are you? Where are you?" he asked, wiping his arm across his face. No, he needed to calm down again and think. Crying was going to make driving impossible, make finding Sanji impossible.

"Where did you go?"

Just like that Zoro lifted himself up from the steering wheel and stared outward. He felt his eyes dry out as he realized how simple the answer was. Suddenly the impossible weather appeared less daunting as he looked out and discovered his new destination. Although he still felt like shit, he had an idea of where to go.

The bridge. Sanji had gone back to the bridge. Where everything had started, that was where Sanji was going to end it. The man couldn't think of doing any self harm to himself, no matter how often he dreamt about it, so he was going to kill himself by jumping off the goddamn bridge. It would be so easy. It was so cold; the man would freeze to death before he had time to drown. The impact alone would probably knock him out. Sanji would never feel a thing; just the way he liked it.

Zoro restarted the engine and turned on the heater full blast. He had to hope Sanji had left his house no more than an hour ago; otherwise he might already be there. A desperate man would have no problem reaching his final destination, even in weather like this. Zoro had to beat him, and without the aide of decent tire chains it would be difficult. Nevertheless Zoro risked his car nearly tipping over when he forced a U-turn in order to get to the right highway.

The bridge was a detour. Zoro hardly took it since, during the night when he would arrive to Robin's, it was a giant clot of cars and congestion. Yet somehow Zoro knew the way to get there, not making one wrong turn as he drove through the empty streets. Whenever a car did get in his way Zoro was forced to get around it, a task not made easy by the wet, sleek assault. The dark sky and large pelts of ice made going above the speed limit nearly impossible. Sweat ran down Zoro's brow, as he got closer to his destination. He felt his heart beat painfully against his chest. His palms hurt as he gripped the wheel so tight it burned.

Just as the view of the bridge was coming into view, Zoro could see bright orange traffic cones forming in front of him. He felt his jaw slowly drop and his mouth dry up in agony as he realized that the bridge had been closed due to the weather, forcing him out of the way and detouring him back to the main road.

"Shit!" Zoro groaned. He moved his car farther to the right, looking for a place to park his car. He didn't have to think twice about it: he would go out and walk to the bridge. There weren't any cars behind or in front of him, and the streets were barren, so parking his car wouldn't be too much of a problem, and though the walk to survey the bridge wouldn't be easy, Zoro was somehow sure of himself that things would be ok.

Somehow he knew Sanji was still out there, alive.

Zoro stepped out of his car, pulling the hood of his jacket over his head and stuffing his numbing hands deep into his pockets. He closed the door behind him, leaving the lights on and the door unlocked. His cheeks burned from the wind smacking him hard across the face. He took his first step and could the heaviness of his body almost render his leg useless, the cold causing the support to shiver and weaken. A part of him was already regretting the decision.

He tucked his face into his jacket. Wishing he had brought a beanie or a scarf, Zoro continued to brave the weather on foot.

As his car disappeared into the gray scenery, Zoro could feel his body being to ache from the unwelcoming environment. His lungs burned and cursed him for breathing in the toxic air, and his limbs spasm in attempt to produce heat. Aware that time was of the essence, Zoro forced himself to hurry his pace.

He reached for the iron railing as soon as it caught his vision. Looking around, Zoro could see both sides of the bridge. If Sanji was here there would be no reason he couldn't spot him. Wind blew across the bridge, causing Zoro to be pushed away from the railing and towards the highway. He gripped the cold iron, disregarding the intense stabbing sensation it brought to his palm. He straightened himself out and proceeded down the bridge, fighting every basic survival instinct that arose.

He walked several feet, holding tight to the railing, peering out and seeing nothing. The wind hit his body over and over again; pushing closer to the wall and nearly causing him to tilt dangerously close over the railing. His hand went numb as his pace slowed to a stagger, the cold turning his muscles stiff.

Zoro stopped and closed his eyes, rubbing them with his free hand. His mouth was dry and his gums ached from the chattering his teeth had been making. He took another step and stumbled. A sharp pain ran up his leg. Zoro hit the ground, his tired arms just barely stopping him from hitting the icy concrete. Broken, his body fell into a state of constant shivers: Zoro's arms clinging to his chest because his life now depended on it. His good leg moved closer to the now aching one. He could feel his body move without him, trying to curl itself and retain what little heat there was.

This was a stupid idea, Zoro thought. He looked ahead of him and saw only the gray sheet of snow racing through the air. Sanji was nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck," he murmured.

Strangely enough, no tears ran down his face. There was the sadness and pain of defeat, but Zoro couldn't find it within himself to cry or go into panic. He held on to himself and stared at the ground. He listened to his heartbeat, trying to think of something. He wasn't sure how to feel. He was cold. He wanted to scream out for Sanji, beg for him to come back, but all he could think about was how stupid everything was.

He was stupid. All of this was stupid. What kind of moron drives out in this weather and tries to cross a bridge with only a jacket? What kind of imbecile promises to help out a suicidal idiot cook without having any idea of what he was doing? What sort of loser begins to have feelings for the suicidal freak? What the hell was wrong with him?

Sanji was dead. He had finally done it. Sanji got what he wanted, and right now Zoro had just finished wasting his time trying to chase after something he could never hold on to. Sanji was something he never actually had a grip on. How could he have had anything, any ort of claim, if he never said any truth to the man? Zoro pulled his arms away from his chest and stares at his worn hands. Everything the two shared had been a lie. Sanji had lied to him. He lied to Sanji, and he lied to everyone else.

"I should have told him," Zoro said. He grabbed hold of himself and shook his head in anger. "I shouldn't have lied to him…

"Every little thing. It was all just a mess," Zoro said, looking up in the sky. His throat hurt, but he let voice grow louder, "I never knew what the hell I was doing. I was being selfish. We both were. You found out early on, didn't you? You knew I was full of shit, trying to come up with the next best thing while you waited and continued to fall apart.

"Well, you're gone now." Zoro sighed. "And…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I never waited and let Robin try to help you. I guess I was jealous from the beginning. Maybe I wanted some control, attention…I don't know what. That's sort of why I'm here. I'm here because I'm angry. I'm angry because…"

The wind subsided. Zoro no longer felt his head being pelted by tiny flakes. He lifted his head up and stared into the dark sky. The monstrous clouds above him were no longer attacking the world below. No more screaming winds or invisible surprises. It was just snowing now.

Zoro stood up and took a deep breath through his nose. He still couldn't find it in him to be upset, at least not with himself. He grabbed tightly on the railing, his eyes still up at the sky. Zoro licked his lips, wincing at the sting the weather had done. He probably looked like a mess, he thought. He turned around and stared at the water below him. Without the light from the stars or the moon the body of water appeared as a mass of complete darkness. A black hole, and it would swallow him whole if he let go of the railing keeping him tied to earth.

Was this the last thing Sanji witnessed? Did he think the same thing as he jumped off the bridge, leaping past the horizon and into the nothingness? Was he scared, or was the final thought of release able to bring him some satisfaction?

"I wanted to save you," Zoro said aloud.

Zoro's body began to slump back down. He rested his arms on the railing, his face buried between them. He could finally feel the tears wet his eyes as he let the fact that he would never see the blonde again sink in.

"I should have said I loved you," Zoro remarked bitterly. "Then you would have had a reason to stay a bit longer."

Zoro brought his arms closer to his head, covering the sound of the waves. The snow began to fall a bit harder, but not as bad as it had been before. He felt more tears run down his face. How would he tell everyone else?

"You're so full of shit."

Zoro lifted his head and turned over to see the figure approaching him. He pulled himself up and stared at the now apparent figure of Sanji, a ghost who was somehow still alive.

"You're…" Zoro quickly wiped the tears from his face. "How did I miss you?"

"Fuck, you're crying?"

Zoro frowned. "Is that really all you have to say?" he asked bitterly. He stared angrily at Sanji. The blonde didn't look half as bad he probably did. If anything, Sanji looked serene compared t how he currently felt.

"Why are you here?" Sanji asked. It was now that Zoro could see the blonde's eyes. He looked just as tired as he did, if not more. He was covered in a layer of frost, but did not appear cold. His body moved rather gracefully in the unforgiving weather. Sanji's expression looked calm…but the eyes looked so old, confused, and tired.

"You don't want me here?" Zoro asked.

"I can't believe it," Sanji muttered. He looked down, dropping his cigarette and snuffing it out with his shoe. Zoro heard a chuckle come fro here. "I'm not going to ask how you knew."

"Sanji, please-"

"-You're here to stop me?" Sanji asked. He could see the blonde's face contort in a mixture of pain and amusement. "You don't want me to die, even though I'm making things harder on you?"

"No," Zoro said.

"Why're you here then?"

"Sanji, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Sanji glared at Zoro. "Why are you so sorry? You have nothing to worry about. You're not in trouble." Zoro watched as the blonde continued to walk towards him; Sanji's poise becoming more threatening with every step. "Why are you crying? What do you have to cry about?"

"I'm sorry," Zoro said, his voice shaky but louder than before. "I've been wasting your time when I should've tried to get you real help."

"I don't want anyone's help!"

"You keep saying that. You can't mean that."

Sanji uttered a sarcastic chuckle, letting his hands rest on his hips before pointing a finger of disgust at Zoro.

"You're fucking full of it. You piece of shit. Wasted my time and now you're trying to tell me what I do and don't want?" Sanji's hand reached out and grabbed Zoro by the arm, nearly yanking his arm out of the socket with raw strength. "What the fuck do you know, huh?" Tears ran down the blondes, his face turning red and nearly matching Zoro's. "How are you to tell me what I want, huh? You don't know a thing about me. You think you do, but everything about me is a lie. Everything is a lie to me. Everything." Sanji looked down for a few seconds, letting his grasp on Zoro ease while he gave himself a moment to fix his shaken composure. "I don't want this anymore. I don't wan to have to be afraid of going to bed, of waking up and not wanting to do anything but lay in bed. I'm so sick of these nightmares, of _everything_."

"Sanji, please don't do this."

Sanji feigned a laugh, looked up at Zoro and smirked deviously at him.

"You're beginning to sound unsure, marimo."

"I don't know how to fix you. But there are people who can," Zoro said. He hastily grabbed Sanji's arm, trying to free himself while also taking hold of the desperate blonde. "You can get help. Don't be afraid. We can get you real help."

"I'm sick of this," Sanji said, pulling himself away from Zoro. He wiped his face, removing the last of any tears from his face. The signs of sadness and despair were removed, replaced with a strange, new form of confidence. Zoro felt his heart pound against his chest when his eyes met with Sanji's. Fear encapsulated him. Somewhere he could hear a voice in his head telling him this was going to be impossible.

"Zoro," Sanji said. His voice wasn't shaky.

"What?" Zoro asked.

"Please, leave." Not a stutter, nor a sense of doubt. Nothing.

"I can't. You know I can't let you do this," Zoro said. "How can you expect me to just let you jump to your death? I have….I have to at least try."

"Stop crying and go!" Sanji demanded, lifting his leg and nearly kicking Zoro in the stomach. Zoro barely missed it, pressing his back against the railing and feeling a dangerous shift in the balance. Gravity and the wind pulled him away from the support provided by the bridge, causing his top half to be exposed to the long drop. Zoro turned and stared into the black mass beneath him, a new sort of fear taking ahold of him as he felt himself being drawn closer to it. He was going to fall into freezing water several stories below him. If he didn't die of a heart attack, the splattering impact, or the below freezing water, then he would drown. Either way, he'd die. All these devastating thoughts ran through his mind in an instant as he shifted into a seriously uneven angle.

But before the rest of his body could be taken, Sanji grabbed him by the jacket, pulling him away from the edge and throwing him in the middle of the road. He could hear Sanji swear aloud, calling him names and obscenities as his face scraped against the cold, rough asphalt. Stunned Zoro barely noticed the pain from the impact. He could only think about what he had just witnessed, what he had almost experienced. Zoro would have grabbed hold of himself and spent the next few minutes trying to get over the fact that he nearly met his demise through the man he was trying to save, but had to fight through the instinctual shock as he realized that Sanji was now on his own. He stumbled to get up and immediately raced back to the edge of the bridge.

"Sanji, don't!"

Zoro jumped and grabbed hold of the blonde who had been attempting to climb on top of the thin railing. He held on to Sanji's waist, closing his eyes as the two hit the ground, hearing a soft snap from the other side of Sanji's body, his hand sending him an alarming message of icy hot electricity.

"Fuck!" Zoro growled into Sanji's back. He bit his lower lip and fought off the pain, holding on to Sanji for dear life despite the few broken fingers. It was just the left, he told himself. Just the pinkie and ring finger…nothing too important.

"Son of a bitch!" Sanji yelled. Zoro felt a struggle beneath him. The blonde began to kick his legs and try to fight Zoro off of him.

"Sanji, listen to me!"

"Fuck off," Sanji said. In his defiance, Zoro felt Sanji's stomach press against the ground, his broken fingers being further crushed in between. Without actually thinking, Zoro pulled both his arms back to him, freeing the blonde from his temporary grasp. Zoro stared at his left hand, noticing right away the unusual bent caused from his last attempt to stop Sanji.

He waited to hear what Sanji would say next. At this point there was little else Zoro could do. He was cold, parts of his body numb from the cold and pain. His entire arm shaking from adrenaline and his hand warm only because he was in minor shock. He waited but he didn't hear Sanji say a thing. And when he turned and faced the blonde, who was now sitting against the rail, breathing hard and staring right back at him, still nothing was said. The two continued to stare at one another, giving themselves breaks if only to awkwardly attempt to catch something else to look at. Zoro didn't care too much though: Sanji wasn't getting up, and that was all that mattered at the moment.

After several minutes Zoro could feel his hand begin to ache with a stabbing sensation. He stared at his fingers and finally decided to break the silence.

"Are we done?" he asked.

"What do you mean, "are we done"?" Sanji asked in a disrespectful tone.

"You'r tired. I'm tired. That's what I mean."

"Hah. I've been tired for so long." Sanji folded his arms and began to rub them against his chest. "You're done. I'm still doing this."

A small frown grew on Zoro's face.

"You can't stop me," Sanji said. And he was right. Zoro had little energy left, and he couldn't fight Sanji forever.

"Well, shit," he heard Sanji say. "Your hand…"

"It's alright," Zoro said, turning his attention back purpling hand. "I'll be alright."

"You can't practice your swords anymore." Sanji said.

"No, I wont be able to do that."

"Why the hell did you have to grab me?" he heard Sanji say. "You didn't have to do that. Your hands could be fine right now."

"I can't believe you're saying this." Zoro shook his head. He wiped at his eyes. "How can you say such things?"

"Zoro…I cant keep doing this with you," Sanji muttered. "I just cant."

"Because it's bullshit?"

"Exactly," Sanji answered. "So please, just let me relax for a moment…and leave."

"…Sanji?"

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry for blackmailing you," Zoro answered. He could hear Sanji';s body shift a bit. Without looking up, because he knew if he did he would only break down in tears, Zoro continued, "I shouldn't have done that. No friend forces someone who needs help in that situation. It was wrong."

Zoro took a deep breath, letting the air slowly fill his lungs as he continued to force out more difficult words. "I'm sorry I didn't let Robin call for real help, and that I took you home even though I knew you needed to see a doctor. I just…when I saw you…and her…" He felt his eyes water and his face burn red. "I…got angry."

"Marimo…what are you saying?"

"I should have told Luffy and Nami, and everyone else about what was going on," Zoro continued. "Even if you didn't want me to…the least I could have done was told Luffy. He so worried about you."

"Luffy's worried…about me?" Sanji's voice sounded completely shocked.

"You had no idea, because nobody ever talks to anyone now," Zoro said. "But I never told Luffy. I'm so selfish. I actually wondered whether I should have kept it all to myself."

"Why are you saying this?" Sanji asked.

Frightened, Zoro looked and stared right into Sanji's confused eye.

"You said everything was a lie," Zoro said. "So…here's some truth. I hated it when you kissed Robin. There were times when I thought about the horrible secret the two of us shared, and how it made us better than what you had with your friends." Zoro crawled closer to Sanji, stopping only when he was inches away from the other man. "And it wasn't until I found out you fucked a man did I really feel a necessity to try to save your goddamn life. I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I found out his name." Zoro pulled away from Sanji, slowly moving himself to the side and letting his body rest alongside the blonde. He stared out into the gray night, hearing Sanji's breath tremble in an orgy of negativity. He scooted a few inches away as he heard guttural sounds escape from the fragile body just barely sitting upwards. He could feel tears roll down his raw cheeks, but he knew he wasn't the only one crying.

"Sick." He heard Sanji say.

"I know, but you're no better."

"How the hell did you even know?"

"Luffy suspected it for a while. He actually thought we were together for a moment," Zoro answered. He felt a small, bitter smile grow. "Isn't that something?"

"Holy shit!" Zoro turned and stared at Sanji, now laughing hysterically. His face was pointed upwards at the sky and Zoro could see the entirety of the blonde pale face. "I thought you were bullshitting me," Sanji said. "You? Love? Even now I can't believe it." Sanji brushed some of his messy hair out of the way and turned to face Zoro. "Do you really think you can play that kind of card this late in the game?"

"No," Zoro said. "I'm only giving you what you wanted: the truth. Here it is."

"You're sick, you know that?" Sanji asked.

"I'm sorry. Nothing I can do about that. I already said I was selfish," Zoro said. "And you're so fucking hell-bent on getting this done tonight, so it really doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Stop crying!" Sanji said. "I'm not crying." He looked away, refocusing his attention back to the sky. "I just want to go."

"Please don't go," Zoro said.

"Go find yourself a boy who isn't depressed. Or a girl."

"Sanji…I can't," Zoro said.

Sanji sighed. He brought his hands to his pale face and began to breath in them.

"I loved a girl name Kuina," Zoro said. "She died before I really knew everything about love…but I knew I was in love with her. The only girl I could have ever loved. I miss her so much…I wasn't even around when it happened." Zoro grabbed hold of the railing and cautiously pulled himself into a standing position. He elevated his hand, his fingers now pulsing with intense pain. "I don't care if you hate me: I'm not going to let this happen. I can't do that."

"I'm not your girlfriend," Sanji said.

"No, you're not." Zoro said. "But you're important to me, and whether you like it or not I'm responsible for all of this." Using his good hand Zoro grabbed hold of the railing and used it as support. "I'll kick you down every time you try to get up. I'll keep doing it until morning. I'll do it till the cops arrive, and when they do I'll tell them what you tried to do, and even though you'll want me dead I'd rather have you committed because-"

"Don't say it," Sanji said. He buried his head between his legs. "Just don't say it."

"You don't even know what I was about to say."

"Of course I do," he heard Sanji say. The blonde's head tilted a bit, exposing a bit of his reddened face. "I know what it _is_. I know what real love is. You don't know a damn thing. You don't know what you're getting into."

Zoro frowned. "Let me take you home. Just rest. That's all I'm asking."

"Why should I?"

Zoro walked in front of Sanji and squatted. "Because you've no will right now." He stared at the buried head, waiting for the man to come up with a comeback. He waited and waited, time easing the burden that had been growing since earlier in the evening. He stared at the gap between Sanji's legs, counting the droplets that had let fallen from man's face.

"If I leave now then I'll come back another day." Sanji said, his voice cracking in between sobs.

"I'll come every night if I get the impression that you're willing to end it again."

"I'll fight you. I'll break more of those fingers."

"You think you're pretty face is gong to stop me from breaking something of yours?"

Sanji lifted his head up, his face right in front of Zoro's. Both could see the worn expression of the other, the dried eyes from Zoro and Sanji's soaked red ones trying to figure out what the other was going to say next. Even though they both looked awful, he wanted to kiss the blonde. A kiss should always follow a love confession, but Zoro wasn't sure if Sanji felt a thing for him, whether he would ever feel anything positive about him ever again. And then finally, Sanji spoke:

"…I'll never love you," he said. "Not the way you want me."

Zoro smiled. "I'm more than prepared for that."

Sanji blinked a few times, more tears running down his messy face. The sun would arise in just a few more hours.

"Really?" he asked, almost hopefully.


	14. 10am

By the time Sanji and Zoro left the hospital it was six in the morning. The pain medication given to Zoro left him unable to drive, and with what little sense he had left Zoro had to give Sanji directions to his campuses dorms. Sanji would have driven both of them back to his place, but without keys or a phone Sanji was forced to bear with the consequences of having his life saved again until he could somehow reach Usopp. Until then Sanji would be forced to deal with the painful awkwardness of a sexually frustrated man whose selfishness might possibly equal his own. The thought of being trapped with Zoro for the next few hours made him feel nauseous. What the hell was he supposed to say to him now? What the hell was anyone supposed to say to the person who pulled them away from death? "Thank you for saving my life?" Why?

Somehow the two managed to make their way into the dorm halls, Zoro finally picking the right door and unlocking it. By now it was almost seven and Sanji was beginning to feel the weight of several hours in the middle of a snowstorm hit him. Stuck inside a small dorm room Sanji could feel heat gluing itself against his cold skin. The smell produced by two men who hardly had the time to clean up overwhelmed his already exhausted sense. The sight of the unkept bed was almost unwelcoming.

"Dude, what happened to your hand?"

Sanji turned and saw another walk into the small room, though through another door. He was only half dressed, but didn't seem uncomfortable at the presence of someone he had never seen before.

"Don worry about it," Zoro answered sluggishly. "Hey, can I speel on your bed?"

"Holy shit, you sound terrible," the strange man said. He peered over and stared at Sanji, his brows raised and face full of worry. "What happened to him?"

"H-he fell," Sanji said. "Broke his middle finger…crushed his pinky." He could see that his answer wasn't completely satisfying to the man. Sanji quickly added to the lie, "we were up all night. Got lost…lousy direction, you know. He got out, slipped, and we ended up spending the night at the hospital."

"Lost huh?" The man said, "yeah that's Zoro for you."

Sanji forced a smile on his face, even went as far and giving a playful shrug to ease any further suspicion Zoro's dormmate might have.

"Shit, Mihawk isn't going to like this," the man muttered. "Yeah, you can sleep on the bed. Don't speel on it though while I'm gone." He laughed nervously and continued to dress himself. "There are some extra sheet underneath the pile of clothes over there, if you're too cold."

"Uhm…thanks," Sanji muttered.

Zoro sat himself on his roommate's bed, his head up and face filled with concern; he looked Sanji in the eye, silently offering his bed to him. Sanji wasn't sure what to do with himself, even with Zoro making it clear what he ought to do, his instincts told him to remain standing. Don't fall asleep, especially in a strange bed. What sort of ugly things would his mind try to recreate after a long night like this? He failed once again to do what he had been planning for so long, his subconscious was sure to punish him with something worse. Sanji looked down and squint his eyes, trying to keep them moist, and also to avoid contact with Zoro.

"Should I tell Mihawk while I'm up there?" he heard the roommate say.

Zoro shook his head. "I'll tell him…later."

Sanji blinked when the door closed behind him. He waited a few second and let his entire body go numb. He wasn't tired.

"Sanji, go to bed," Zoro said.

"I'm not tired," Sanji replied.

Zoro blinked several times, rubbing his eyes with his good hand.

"Do this for me," he said in a half demand, half yawn.

"You want so much, marimo," Sanji muttered. He looked down at his hands before turning around and staring at the bed. Never had the thought of sleep felt so unusual. It wasn't the same feeling of dread as before: something else was telling him to stay away. Sanji took small steps forward, his body growing stiff once his legs made contact with the bed. His toes curled inside his shoes, his fingers painfully outstretched. No desire to go to bed, especially today.

He could hear Zoro groan behind him. What could he do other than wait for the pain medication to once again take its hold over Zoro? How long would it be till he could focus on something else other than the bridge and the bed? He traded one disaster for another, but he had no control in the dreams he made. He was losing control every time he closed his eyes. And he was afraid.

"I told you I'll fight back," he heard Zoro said.

"Can you really do that in your current state?" Sanji asked. He could hear the excitement in his voice, the same curiosity from before. He felt a scowl appear on his face when he realized what sort of game he was playing with himself and the moss-head.

"I still have eight fingers," Zoro said. His voice sounded like it was about to give way to sleep. Zoro wouldn't last another five minutes. But it was his words that irked Sanji the most. He looked at Zoro's left hand, still a bit swollen from being broken, and then up at Zoro's medicated expression. He remembered what Zoro's dorm-mate had said, and what Zoro had mentioned earlier on about his other class. Now he wouldn't pass another class. Sanji bit his inner cheek, giving another quick look around the room and spotting the swords leaning against a wall covered in pictures. Zoro certainly couldn't practice with broken fingers, could he? The burden of nightmares seemed insignificant to the reality Zoro would have to face.

"Whatever," Sanji muttered, looking away from the man. He sat on the mattress and stared lazily at the floor. He looked at his shoes. Maybe, he thought, he could somehow pull this off. He hadn't dies in his sleep for a while. No, he'd still had bad dreams, but maybe they wouldn't be this bad tonight. Sanji lowered his arms and reluctantly began to remove them from his feet. Warm air permeated through his socks, tickling his cold feet. He welcomed the odd sensation and, without making any eye contact with Zoro, grabbed the bed sheet and covered himself.

He curled his legs into his chest and buried his face into the nook, his arms holding everything together. He closed his eyes and silently begged for Zoro to not say another word and simply fall asleep. Maybe if he were lucky Zoro would pass out before he did. He might not even have to fall asleep. Through the blanket Sanji could hear Zoro move. He didn't hear him say a thing, and though the soft noises Sanji could guess that Zoro had quit trying to fight him. But even after Sanji was sure that Zoro had fallen asleep Sanji kept wrapped up tight, making sure he was as uncomfortable as possible. He could feel his muscle grow soft in the warm cocoon he had created. His fingers and toes tingled and his he could feel himself growing calmer, his heart betraying his mind and slowing down.

Think of something, he told himself.

His mind brought him back to the bridge. He was lying against the railing, tired and cold. His whole body ached from walking all the way down to the bridge in the frightening weather, from the natural instinct to run, and then having to fight Zoro. God, Zoro. Sanji could hear those words echoing in his mind much like nails against a chalkboard. Why did he have to cry out those words? He could remember Nami looking up at him, her brown eyes dry, but face filled with hurt. She had the dignity to not play those words against him, or any other woman he had slept with while he cheated on her.

But what about _him_? Sanji could feel a sickness crept up on him, the heat in his makeshift tent growing sticky and uncomfortable. He could no longer repress the memories of men, not after Zoro had ripped open the doors to the awful memories.

And it had suddenly dawned upon Sanji that Zoro was the only one to use the words love against him. No one he had been with had ever used them in such a matter, a matter consisting of raw emotion and truth.

He wanted nothing more than to believe that Zoro was feeling lust. He could handle lust, but love was a frightening concept that made his body quake with repulsion. He could remember using the word hundreds of times in the past, each time the word becoming more of a memory of it's actual definition. A teenage boy who couldn't understand the consequences of such a word, and then plagued with the depression and disturbing thoughts of death: he never stood a chance of ever grasping the word's truth. By the time he broke up with Nami he knew nothing but confusion. He thought Nami didn't love him because she couldn't make him feel happy anymore, and cheating on her was a means of hoping to find that fulfillment that had been lost once his mind began to suddenly deteriorate. He could remember the fond memories the two of them share, and was now sure that it could have, might have been love…but now Nami was too bright, and he couldn't bear to place any sort of emotional harm on her again.

But Zoro, why did he love him? What was that like? How did he come to that sort of conclusion? Sanji blinked and then remembered whose bed he was in.

_Did he_ …? Sanji felt his face burn hot, a large frown melting on his sweating face. The hot air was beginning to taste like old, but Sanji decided to wait a few more minutes before checking to see if he safe to get up.

Law knew right away what sort of estranged relationship they had. Obviously he didn't respect it, since Luffy somehow knew about it in the first place (he would have to figure out how much Luffy knew some point in the future), but thankfully it never really came to the point where he could have said Law might have loved him. And…it hurt him. Sanji could feel it now. He had wondered how Nami felt when he had abandoned her, but could never imagine he would one day experience that same pain, but on a much higher level. No woman could fill that growing pit inside of him, but Law knew right away that he was falling apart and was able to work around it. He filled him both figuratively and literally, and Sanji both enjoyed and hated it. It had taken so long to push all those memories away from him, to re-declare himself as straight and pretend several months weren't spent with him on all fours like some sort of animal. There was a gap in his story. He didn't cheat on Nami, didn't contemplate suicide, didn't sleep with Law, didn't start to feel better about some dreams, didn't crash and burn, didn't tell anyone about it. He changed his story to becoming depressed and then suddenly becoming extremely suicidal. So quick and easy and to the point. No diagnosis needed: Law already did that years ago. Some sort of psychosis. _"A major depressive disorder. If you don't do yourself in I can certainly see you ending up catatonic in some white room."_ Right after sex. Good ol' fucking Law _._

Sanji felt all too warm now and pushed his arm out of his blanket fortress. He fresh air in and listened to see if Zoro was indeed asleep. He waited a few moments before coming to the conclusion that it was safe for him to get out of bed. He peeled off the cover, welcoming the cooler, fresh tasting air outside. However, rather than staring at a sleeping Zoro, instead Sanji was faced with his messy shelf and pale walls. The window that hovered above the bed he had rested in moments ago had moved to his right, and the two cheap wooden doors had been reduced to just one white one. The floor was clean from a weekly vacuuming, the clothes tossed into the hamper, and the walls clear of any scattered photography. It was his room.

" _Fuck!" Sanji screamed. His smacked his hand against the nearest wall, letting the sting travel up his arm and stab its way into his chest where it rested for several seconds, further adding insult to injury. The pain was nothing though, not nearly enough to wake him up._

_Sanji let his legs give to frustration, sinking down to his knees as he pathetically eyed the door, the only exit, wondering what was supposed to happen to him now. He dug his nails into the carpeting, letting his mind reel in an emotional tornado, thinking about Zoro and the last few moments where he might have fallen asleep. Damn him. Damn him. Damn him!_

_What was supposed to happen now? Sanji stood up and walked around his room, avoiding the door out of instinct. His room was clean and without any sort of object that could be used to harm him. He couldn't feel a natural disaster crawling it's way towards him. If he couldn't see it, couldn't hear or feel it, then it wouldn't be possible for it to happen. Then…what was going to happen?_

_Sanji licked his lips, wanting nothing more than to smoke a cigarette. The air, although cooler than the air he had endured while trapped in the sheets, was still warm. He could feel his cheeks prickle from the heat, reaching deep inside the muscles and making him an old but recognizable sensation. He could feel it all over him: that scary, devouring tickle that echoed all throughout his body. The room wasn't hot: he was. Remember where he was, Sanji walked over to the door and inspected the knob, watching it in hopes that it would shake or turn on its own._

" _You're waiting for disaster, Sanji."_

_He ignored the voice echoing in his mind and let his index finger rest on the knob._

" _This isn't that sort of dream."_

_His head sank at the sound of the voice no longer in his head. He grabbed hold of the knob and frantically opened the door._

" _You won't die tonight." Who was it that said these words? Sanji yanked the door open and was welcomed with a blinding light. Despite the impossibilities Sanji could see through the heavenly light a sixteen-year-old Nami being asked out on a date to the movie theatres. He could see her looking up at him with cat-like curiosity, her smile sneaky but warm. And he could see him betraying her less than a year later; her pink lips being pulled in and bitten by teeth in a hopeless attempt to deter the emotional pain being tossed right at her out of nowhere. It was too bright, too hard t for him to endure and Sanji took a step back, allowing the door to shut in front of him._

" _Leave," Sanji yelled. He turned and glared at the young man sitting on his bed, staring right out the window with his expressionless look. "Get out, Law!"_

" _You know I can't leave when you're thinking about me."_

_Sanji could feel his teeth grinding against each other in irritation. "If that's the case why isn't Zoro here?"_

" _You already know why," Law answered passively. "This isn't that sort of dream."_

" _Most wet dreams usually involve someone naked," Sanji muttered. "You haven't even taken off your shoes."_

" _You're close, but not close enough," Law said. He smirked and rested on the bed._

" _Why can't I speak with Nami instead?" Sanji asked. He sat on the floor, watching Law slowly turn his head and watch him with gray, empty eyes._

" _Because she's too good for me," Sanji answered. "But you're apparently right up my alley."_

_He let himself sink even further, completely aware that he was being watched by the fabrication of his own twisted imagination. Facing the ceiling, Sanji began to ponder the meaning of this dream._

" _The moss-head saved my life," Sanji said allowed. He let his fingers run though the carpeting, his fingers burning as he rubbed them manically against the grain. "And all I can think about is how afraid I am. I don't want anymore of this. I can't believe I let him take me back here. And now I'm stuck with you."_

" _Why?" he heard Law whisper._

" _Why? Because he made me think about you!" Sanji said. "I see something, it ends up here! I think about someone, and then they arrive here! I'm always thinking about death…and so I'm always falling apart here." Sanji jumped up and walked over to the man ling below him on the bed. "Look at you, lying on the bed with your legs spread out like that. I should change whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn and turn this into a nice fuck. I'm in control, I wont let either of us say no, and I'll make sure both of us cum at the same time. That's the best thing about knowing when you're dreaming or not."_

" _But you don't want to fuck me," Law replied. "You hate me too much to even touch me."_

" _Then why the hell are you still here?"_

" _You tell me," Law smiled. "You asked it just a second ago…"_

_Sanji saw the bridge again. How did the two of them achieve to walk together in total silence without one of them bringing up what Zoro had just said before. Sanji confessed that such a relationship could never happen, but it didn't change the fact that the elements of their relationship had been changed. Zoro was saving him for different reasons, and no matter what Sanji could say there would be ulterior motives to the idiot's actions. Sanji was incredibly aware of this, and it was something that had irked him so much since learning about it._

" _You'll never be able to save yourself through him," Law said. Sanji leaned away from Law when he saw him extend a thin arm up into the air. He saw long fingers curl into the large palm, just inches away fro his face._

" _What?" Sanji growled._

" _Why am I here, Sanji?" Law arched his back and let his arm tilt closer to the blonde. Sanji inched himself away from the men, his temperament grower ever shorter by the second._

" _I don't want it," Sanji muttered._

" _Who said you did?"_

" _No, no, don't do that." Sanji shook his head and tried to swat the hand away without touching it._

" _You know I'm more than just a memory," Law said. He let his hand hit the bed with a soft thud. "Everything."_

_Who said he wanted to be saved that way? Sanji cupped his ears with his hands, trying to stop that inner voice of his to come up with the answer. He sure as hell wasn't going to let Law supply that answer. And he wasn't going to do it either. The dream was doing to end now._

" _It felt good for both of us."_

" _Shut up, I hate you," Sanji hissed._

" _But you know, I'm not really me." Law said. "We haven't spoken in a long time. You haven't even seen me since I left…"_

" _I'm awake," Sanji muttered. His slowed his breathing down, closed his eyes so tight it hurt. "Wake up…"_

_Oh, he knew the answer. He knew the bullshit about dreams._

" _Sanji…" He wouldn't have opened his eyes were it not for the fact that voice was no longer Law's. But once Sanji did he could see that he was no longer in his room. But he wasn't in Zoro's room either, even though he was sure that was who was calling out to him. Was he moaning in his sleep? That was his voice. He was trying to wake him up. Sanji blinked, his lids tingling, and when he opened his eyes fully he saw Law standing in front of him, watching him with cold, predatory eyes. He had a smile on that brought him to a shiver, only adding to the bleak gray surrounding the two of them. He looked around, hoping to see something other than the cruel figure in front of them. Sanji felt his heart dip deep into his bowls when he saw the only other objects that were around; the bench with a directory posted right next it._

" _Why is it always a bus stop?" he asked._

" _You know why," he heard the stoic voice next to him whisper in to his ears. "Get over it. Get over me. Accept it. Sorry."_

" _You never said that," Sanji said._

" _Neither did you."_

_Sanji closed his eyes, his head spinning. It seemed everything around him was growing darker, even though he could hear Zoro calling for him. Was he shaking him yet? Sanji rubbed his forehead. What was he supposed to do once he woke up from this nightmare? He felt two large hands gently cup his face. Sanji clinched his teeth together; stopping himself from pushing the man away, and instead let his arms go limp and opened his eyes and waited to hear the final verdict. His body, though finally relaxed, was brimming with heat. It was so embarrassing. Why did he have to be like this?_

" _We're all going to die someday," Law said._

" _Shit, not what I was expecting," Sanji said. "I think you're supposed to kiss me on the lips, or carry me away."_

" _You know I care as to how you die," Law continued, ignoring Sanji's snide remarks. "I've told you there are certain things that need to be done. How miserable you'll make the world if you die carrying so many secrets. And what about you? How long will you go denying yourself some truth before you make the final jump?"_

" _Why do you care so much?" Sanji asked. "Why would you say such horrible things to me? Why would you tell me things like "I can get you a gun," or "You should definitely do it"?"_

_Sanji knew he didn't really know the answer to this, and so it was no surprise that Law merely shrugged, a devious smirk on his face to provoke Sanji's curiosity and frustration. He wished he knew the secrets the hypocrite in front of him was holding._

" _I hate you," Sanji said._

_Law leaned in close; his hands still ahold of Sanji. He could feel his hot breath against his ears when Law whispered, "no, you don't."_

* * *

"Sanji, wake up!"

There were two strong arms squeezing his shoulders, shaking him while he lay limp on the bed. Upon opening his eyes, Sanji couldn't help but convulse, his legs practically kicking the sheets up into a parachute as he fought Zoro's tight grasp and the dizzy remains of his last nightmare. No, he thought, not entirely a nightmare.

"Sanji. Sanji, calm down," he heard could hear Zoro struggle. The young man had removed himself from Sanji, his hands no longer gripping the blonde, crawling away from the bed while trying to ease the blonde from his miniature tantrum. Sanji pulled himself up and sat on top of the bed, his mind scattered but filling with adrenaline. He looked around the room trying to see if there was anything out of the ordinary while completely aware of the young man in front of him. Without looking at Zoro he could see the distress coming from him. He must have been moaning, maybe even crying. Sanji brought a hand to his face and rubbed his eyes. No, they were dry.

"Sanji?" He looked and saw Zoro on his knees, backed away from him. He could see a scrape on the man's arm.

"Yes?" he asked. His voice did sound a little shaky.

"Are you alright?" Zoro asked him cautiously. "You…you were muttering, and then you started whining in your sleep."

I did," Sanji said. He blinked a few more times before bringing his knees up to his chest. His clothes were moist, and mixed from the heat provided by the bed sheet he couldn't help but nasty. "I guess I did."

"Are you alright?" Zoro asked again.

"Of course not," Sanji answered. "Why would I be?"

Zoro didn't answer Sanji's question, rather, he looked away and stared helplessly at the door. Sanji noticed and secretly couldn't blame Zoro if he suddenly wanted to leave.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sanji frowned. "No. Never." Admittedly, there were still some parts of the dream that confused him, and any sort of given input from Zoro would have been appreciated, but this wasn't a normal dream. It was so personal, and he knew if he talked about it Zoro would only get upset. He had already confessed his jealousy over a man who may as well be dead, if Sanji were to explain what had upset him just recently…well, Sanji wasn't quite sure what Zoro would, could do, but at the very least it would be painfully awkward. And then there was the matter of Zoro partly being a subject of his dream.

"Alright," Zoro said. Sanji could hear the disappointment in Zoro's voice. They were back to square one, except this time Zoro wasn't even trying to pry his way into Sanji's subconscious.

Zoro got up from the floor and walked over to the bed he had rested in. It was made up now, and on top of it was a small take out box, on top of it two sets of utensils. It was only after Sanji saw the box did he suddenly notice the hot, salty smell floating in the air. Some time ago Zoro must have left him and gotten food.

"What time is it?" Sanji asked.

"Nearly ten," Zoro answered. He grabbed the white box and walked back to Sanji's bed, sitting back down on the floor right in front of him.

"Usopp should be awake," Sanji said.

"He might be," Zoro said. He opened the take out box and began to free one of the plastic bags holding the fork and knife.

"I need to go home," Sanji said.

"Sanji…eat."

"What?" Sanji looked down at the flood resting inside the small box. Crammed inside were eggs, sausage patties, some buttered bread, a muffin, and a piece of melon, and it all looked quite terrible. The eggs looked like they had been scrambled in bulk and left inside an oven, the sausages looked microwaved, the melon was obviously cut by an amateur as it was crooked and misshapen, and the muffin definitely was not fresh: the blueberries covering it looked fake and the muffin itself glistened with palm oil and preservatives. The bread had buttered slathered over it, and although there was nothing inherently wrong with it, Sanji could only imagine how bad for Zoro's cholesterol it had to be, assuming this was the regular breakfast choice.

"Where did you get this?" he asked, mildly revolted as he watched Zoro pluck some eggs with his fork and stuff it in his mouth.

"Cafeteria's around the corner," Zoro answered.

"Explains the crap quality," Sanji grimaced. "I'm not hungry."

"At least take a few bites," Zoro said. "I have no idea when your last meal was, and I'm not going to take you to back until I've seen you eat something."

"Excuse me?" Sanji asked.

"I told you: I'm not going to take you back home until you eat something." Zoro picked up a piece of bread and placed a patty on it. "I said I'd fight if I had to…I'll force feed you too."

"You remember that?" Sanji groaned. He stared at the food below and shook his head. He watched Zoro's hand appear below him, grasping another small set of utensils wrapped in cheap plastic. He did not want Zoro stuffing him full of food like some infant. He didn't want to eat. Sanji sighed and took the utensils from the god damned moss-head. He ripped open the plastic and grabbed the fork and stared down regrettably at his meal. He did not want to eat. His stomach hurt. He felt too warm to eat. He was too stressed out.

"Take a bite," Zoro said.

"Ah, uhhh," Sanji leaned in and continued to analyze the food. None of it really looked edible to him.

"Just a bite, Sanji. That's not too hard," Zoro said.

"Fuck, I'll take the melon," Sanji grumbled. Zoro picked the fruit up and handed it to Sanji. Sanji took it and stared strangely at it. Honeydews really weren't in season this time of the year, and now that it was close up he could see how pale the fruit was.

"Eat," Zoro said.

Sanji pressed the fruit against his lips, noticing the stiffness and lack of liquids running down his face. It wasn't really ripe either. It would taste terrible. He opened his mouth and took a small bite from the melon, and just as he predicted, tasted a dull sweetness mixed with fiber and water. He handed the fruit back to Zoro.

"There," Sanji said. "Tastes like crap too."

"You can't call that a bite," Zoro said. He took the melon from Sanji and took a bite near the edge of the melon. "See, that's a bite," he said while pointing a finger at the massive gape. "Also, it tastes just fine."

"You'd think so," Sanji said.

"Then eat something else," Zoro said.

"I already took the bite."

"That's something I'd expect from a little girl," Zoro said. "You need to make up for the rest."

"Ugh!" Sanji grabbed his forked and poked at the eggs, taking a small chunk from the rubbery yellow mass and brought it up to his face. No visible salt, pepper, or any other spice could be seen in or on the overcooked protein. Sanji felt his stomach awaken from the melon, and even though he felt sick from eating the fruit, he could hear his body crave the grossly cooked eggs.

"You're hungry," Zoro said.

"Shit," Sanji said. He closed his eyes and stuffed the eggs in his mouth. The first few bites were sickening, but after the third his mouth began to salivate and demand for more food. He swallowed and wiped his face with his arm.

"Was that so hard?" Zoro asked.

"This food is terrible," Sanji said.

"But you're going to eat it," Zoro said. "And you'll finish it too, because I can tell you're getting hungry, because you haven't eaten in a long time…"

Sanji licked his dry lips. "You really can't expect me to eat all of this? I hate wasting, but this amount is ridiculous."

"I ate some before packing this," Zoro said. "I'll eat some of this, but I do want you to eat a decent meal."

"Or you'll tell Luffy and Usopp and everyone else?"

Zoro shook his head. "You'll do it because I told you too." He reached over to the shelf next to his bed and grabbed a small green container. He waved it in front of Sanji's face, waiting till the blonde finally snatched it from him.

"Apple juice," he said.

"Great, more water and sugar," Sanji remarked.

"Two things you really need right now," Zoro said.

Sanji removed the straw and stabbed the opening and then took a small sip of the overly sweetened juice. This is what they fed people at the dorms? And people liked it? He gave the juice box back to Zoro and looked down at his meal. "I guess I'll try some sausage," he said. Zoro lifted the box up and placed right on top of Sanji's lap. He picked the patty up with his fork and could smell the sodium coming from it as he brought it closer to him. It smelled like a slightly less salty version of a McDonalds patty. He took a bite and frowned: it was a slightly less salt version of a McDonalds parry.

While Zoro began to go through his room and pick out a fresh outfit Sanji slowly finished the sausage patty. He took another sip and then relaxed for a few moments and watched Zoro undress. He stared at the soggy bread and decided to go back to the fruit. When he took another bite from the melon Zoro had a new pair of jeans on and the melon tasted sweeter. He quickly finished it and waited, hoping his stomach had had enough for now. He felt sick, but with every bite he took his stomach thanked him. He was beginning to see that the sickness was coming from somewhere else.

"I'll be right back," Zoro said. In his arms Sanji could see some personal belongings.

"Ok," Sanji said. Zoro went through the other door, closing it behind him. Sanji moved some eggs around with his fork till he found a piece that didn't look so overdone. It didn't seem to matter when he placed the food in his mouth: he was hungry and everything tasted better than what it normally would. He could feel himself grow more sick and satisfied. There was still a decent amount of food left, but Sanji knew he couldn't take another bite. The food was making him sick. Zoro was making him sick.

How miserable you'll make the world if you die carrying so many secrets. There was a knot inside of him somewhere that was making him feel so ill. The words echoed in his mind, sticking to the walls of his brain and burning it like acid. Sanji pushed the food away, letting his had rest on his aching chest. Zoro's determination made him want to vomit.

How long will you go denying yourself – Oh, those words felt sticky and thick and too warm for his taste. Why did Zoro have to bring him this food? It made him feel awful. Why did Zoro have to tell him he was in love with him? It made him feel so self-conscious.

Homosexuality. It didn't really matter how many women he had slept with, whether or not he enjoyed their company, if he ever fell in love with a woman, because it didn't change the fact that heterosexuality was only half of what he was. The more food he ate the more the answer hovered over him. Why was Zoro gay? It scared him to think two men could do those sorts of things and actually be in love. It scared him that Zoro could love him. So scary because he didn't want to fall in love. He didn't want to ever feel that way again. He had worked so hard to push those emotions away, and now they were alive and making the gag reflex alert. How was he supposed to "get over it"? What if he didn't want to? What was he supposed to do then?

"Law?" Sanji covered his mouth, letting his throat tighten so he wouldn't throw up his food. He felt tears soak his eyelashes while he struggled to move the take out box as far away from him so he wouldn't have to smell it. It was sick. He was going to throw up now. He curled up on his side and wiped away some tears.

Sanji remembered sitting on the bridge, listening to Zoro's words. He'd fight to make sure he'd stay alive. There wasn't much he could really do about "getting over it." If he were to live then he would have to get over it and everything else that made him so miserable. Even if he stopped breathing right now, the best thing he could do for himself would be to accept what happened and ease his soul before release.

"Sanji?"

Sanji sprang up and watched Zoro slowly approaching him.

"What's wrong?" Zoro asked. His voice was a frightened whisper.

"Zoro," Sanji said, wiping his face. "I had a bad dream!" He felt tears rolling down his face, somehow dodging his arms and spilling across the bed sheets. Zoro hurried over and grabbed him; his arms shivering upon contact while Sanji frantically wrapped his arms around Zoro.

"Sanji, try to calm down. Relax." Sanji could hear the lack in confidence in Zoro's voice.

"I hate this," Sanji cried.

"What do you hate?"

"Everything, myself," Sanji said. He buried his face between himself and Zoro, taking in the dark shadows produced between them. He felt one of Zoro's arms loosen, adjusting to Sanji's hiding form, and resituating itself dangerously low on his back. "Right now," he said.

"What do you mean?" Zoro asked.

"I fucked Law," Sanji muttered. He felt Zoro's arms tighten around him.

"Y-yeah." The hand resting on his shoulder blade had the fingers curling in, grabbing his shirt and pulling possessively.

Admit it Marimo: you hate him for taking it before you got to me, Sanji thought. There's nothing wrong with that.

"I hate it," Sanji said. "Everything Luffy said to you, and more." He blinked a few times and noticed he wasn't crying anymore. The light permeating between bodily gaps made him feel oddly relaxed. "We did it. For months. I think I might have fallen in love at one point. And it's terrible. That wasn't a healthy relationship. Now that I'm thinking about it, I miss it so much…" He began to shake.

"Sanji, that's…ok," Zoro said. He was struggling to console him. He didn't want to hear this. Sanji remained buried and continued to look at the messy bed sheets below him.

"Why did I do that?" Sanji asked.

"It doesn't matter, it was a long time ago," Zoro said.

"I'm not gay," Sanji said.

"You don't have to be gay to sleep with a man," Zoro muttered. Don't get too hopeful Moss-Head.

"Why did I do it?" Sanji asked again.

"Is this why you want to kill yourself?" Zoro carefully asked.

"Things were going wrong before I met Law," Sanji answered. "Around when I dated Nami…everything was before Law."

Sanji could hear his heart beat. There was no more nausea, and instead his insides felt as though a great weight had been lifted from him. He hated confessing these feelings, but they made him feel so much better. It was the only good thing Zoro could provide him.

But what would happen now that he had confessed? Would he live, or would he die? Other that Zoro's determination to keep him alive there was very little that made Sanji ere to one side. Right now he was completely reactionary, and he couldn't see himself trying to start all over again.

"Sanji, thank you."

Sanji lifted his head a bit and took a peek at Zoro. "Why?" he asked.

"For saying something," Zoro replied. "I was scared you might just remain silent. I didn't want to force you. I really wanted you to be able to do this on your own."

Sanji rested his head against Zoro's chest. He felt Zoro's head turn. Sanji pulled his hands off of him and let them rest on the bed.

"You ate?" Zoro asked.

"I can't eat anymore," Sanji replied. "I can't…eat…anymore. Don't make me."

"Alright," Zoro said. The two of them remained in this close connection after this. Sanji didn't want to move away from Zoro. He felt compelled to rest against him. He almost didn't want to leave. He hated the man so much for placing him in this situation, but wanted to stay with him so long as he had to continue this misery. He felt Zoro release his grasp on his shirt, letting his hand hover above his shoulder before finally resting on the bed. The other hand was still so low, a few fingers now resting on his pants. A few seconds past, Sanji closed his eyes and concentrated on the subtle vibrations coming from the bed. Zoro's hand sliding across the sheets, trying to reach his hand cradled close to his side. Sanji knew this position was too inappropriate. It sent the wrong message to a man who wanted to more than save him. He wouldn't move though. Still too scared–of what now?–he wasn't sure. How long would he feel so helpless?

Sanji flinched when he felt rough fingers rub against his. They moved away once Zoro felt Sanji's surprise from the physical contact. The hand resting on his lower back was pulled away. With his left hand Sanji grabbed Zoro's shirt and pulled the man close to him, stopping Zoro from leaving him.

"Don't," he whispered.

A few seconds later he felt Zoro ease. The young man didn't say a thing, nor did Sanji when he felt Zoro's fingers touch his again. The hand possessed his, grabbing it and holding it dearly while the other rested lightly on his shoulder. Sanji peered up and saw two eyes staring down at him with an endearing look. He watched as they drew closer to him, the shadow engulfing his body and the dark pupils swallowing him whole.


	15. Mere Moments

When Zoro had walked into the bathroom and caught Sanji kissing Robin on the lips he had felt something deep inside him that made him want to look away. Zoro felt something instinctual burn in the back of his mind, that what he had just witnessed was wrong. It was jealousy.

 

When Zoro learned about the past relationship that Nami had shared with Sanji he didn’t feel the same negative emotions that had enraged him before. Their previous fling was natural and accepting to him. He didn’t feel threatened by the thought of them being in love. They had already broken up. Sanji was single and he was far away from Robin, and it didn’t look like Nami was interested in rekindling a past romance.

 

But when Zoro learned about Law it didn’t matter anymore. So what if Sanji had left the man a few years ago? The image of Sanji in such a frail, exposed position infuriated him to no end. The same feelings he had felt when he saw Robin with Sanji returned two-fold. It was worse now, and Zoro knew it was only this way because it was a man. A man had claimed something he secretly desired, and even though Sanji was no longer in a romantic relationship with him Zoro could not bear with the fact that Sanji had enjoyed another man. A woman he could bear with, and knowing Sanji had slept with so many did not affect him in the slightest, but just one man brought him to the edge.

 

He knew kissing Sanji was wrong. Zoro knew everything he was doing right now was very wrong, but for some reason he kept on going. Both of their lips were chapped and the mixture of pressure from Zoro’s rough contact, along with the light trails of saliva from each push by Sanji, made it burn. His hand held on tightly with Sanji’s, his warm fingers laced in between cold ones, while the other dug deep underneath the blonde’s heated clothing, hunger overpowering the pain from the broken and bruised fingers, landing on shivering skin and running up the side, moving across the chest and pulling Sanji’s shirt up along with it before resting on an uneasy chest. He could feel Sanji’s heartbeat against his hand, beating rapidly like a frightened rabbit.

 

“This…” Zoro whispered into Sanji’s mouth. He stopped himself from finishing the sentence, choosing to let himself fall under temptation rather than stop and remain separate from the blonde. His hand slipped down from the rushed heartbeat and lowered down to Sanji’s navel where it rested against a heaving stomach. Zoro dare not look into Sanji’s eyes, knowing quite well what they would say.

 

“Zoro,” he heard Sanji say beneath him. He closed his eyes and continued to kiss Sanji affectionately, starting with the chapped lips, the warmed cheeks, the reddened ears.

 

“Don’t do this,” Zoro sighed into panicked ears. He could feel Sanji’s hand try to free itself from his own.

 

“Zoro.”

 

“Sanji…” Zoro cooed into the blonde’s ear, his lips lowering and brushing lightly against Sanji’s red lobe.

 

“Zoro, no,” Sanji said. He could hear the yearning behind the frightened voice. Sanji wanted this. He didn’t want this.  It was so confusing, what he was doing right now. He needed to stop this.

 

But instead of pushing Sanji away from him, asking for forgiveness, and sending the blonde away, Zoro’s arms chose to grab hold of the him, wrapping around the frail body, mixing his heat against the man’s shivers, feeling for the first time Sanji struggling to break free of him.

 

“Zoro, stop this,” Sanji spoke in a shaky voice.

 

Zoro buried his face into Sanji’s shoulder, feeling his own heart race with the competing feelings of twisted moral and possibilities of pleasure. He wanted the blonde for himself. He wanted to keep this.

 

“Zoro, let go!” This time Zoro could only hear the fear in Sanji’s voice, and it was this sound of distress that reminded him that a few minutes before this Sanji was crying for help of another sort. Zoro felt his stomach churn in disgust when he decided to let go of Sanji, the older man immediately pushing him away and falling down upon the bed sheets.

 

He looked at Sanji who lay below him on the messy, disheveled sheets. Sanji held on to his shirt, trying to pull the clothes down his exposed stomach while pulling his legs close in an attempt to better defend himself from the passionate onslaught. He could see two blue eyes staring up at him behind messy blonde hair, his face covered in red heat and needy passion. Sanji looked like he was ready…but those eyes said something different. Past the lust and desire for touch was something that made Zoro feel absolutely revolted about everything he had just done. Kissing Sanji. Touching Sanji.

 

Zoro crawled away from the heated blonde, moving himself till he was at the edge of the twin bed. “Sanji, I’m…I’m sorry,” he said. He felt like he wanted to cry, to appear as guilty as he felt. But couldn’t bring himself to trouble the blonde anymore.

 

Sanji grabbed the pillow and threw it at him, smacking Zoro right in the face. He blinked, a few stinging tears produced from the impact ran down his cheek, and he waited for Sanji to do something more, to further punish him for attempting sex, but was left disappointed when he saw Sanji pull himself up, getting off from the bed and turning his back to Zoro while trying to straighten his wrinkled clothing. He saw a few flashes of pink skin. He couldn’t help but raise his view up to red ears, messy locks of hair, and sore lips.

 

“I want to go home,” Sanji muttered.

 

Zoro blinked and forced himself to forget everything he had noticed about the blonde. “I know,” he said.

 

“I did everything you asked,” the blonde said. His voice sounded hoarse, like he was about to cry. Zoro hoped he wasn’t the reason, but the pain in his chest said otherwise. He had ruined everything.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, his arm reaching out trying to touch Sanji, only to fall when the blonde stepped away from it. Zoro sighed. “I don’t know why I did that…I didn’t meant to kiss you. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.”

 

“Please take me home,” Sanji beckoned, now turning around and facing him, looking at Zoro like some trapped, frightened animal. He grabbed at his hair and roughly began to rearrange it to it proper style. “I need to go home now. I did everything.”  Zoro heard Sanji take in a deep breath before letting go of a few chunks of his messy hair. “I went to sleep. I ate the food.”

 

Zoro felt his body begin to shake from pent up anger and anxiety. He wanted to get right up and grab Sanji. He wanted to hit him till he bled. He wanted to embrace him and never let go. Zoro looked down at the messy floor and felt his mouth dry up. He stared at the pile of clothes. Was Sanji not going to talk about it? He couldn’t just avoid this. Neither of them could.

 

“Alright,” Zoro answered, gripping tightly on the sheets below. The air was still warm from the brief entanglement, from the touching. His body still ached for it. And Zoro was sure that Sanji was aware of all of this. But instead Sanji stood rigidly poised like he was about to be sent to slaughter. His head was turned away; facing the wall filled with photos Zoro had placed to remind him of better times. And now Sanji was staring at all those wonderful memories, doing his best not to break down for the third time in less than a day.

 

Zoro stretched his legs out; letting his feet touch the cold, dirty rug.  He stared up at Sanji’s body, feeling envious of all those before him who were welcomed to have their way with it. Why wouldn’t Sanji say something? Why wouldn’t he fight back?

 

Why couldn’t he get the blonde to progress, even if it meant being hated?

 

“I’ll take you home,” he said, getting up from his bed and, while avoiding any eye contact from the bothered man, hurriedly grabbed his keys and walked over to the door. He kept his eyes distracted on other things while Sanji slowly made his way to him, his head low in order to evade expressing his obvious distress.

 

“Thank you,” Sanji said in a hushed voice, not looking up at Zoro, or at anything in particular. Zoro saw the blonde’s dried hands tuck themselves deep into his pockets, hiding away the pale skin from his view. Zoro heard the door open, then shut, right behind him. He looked up and stared at the messy bed, feeling his insides twist and drop into his lower abdomen, his throat tightening up and beckoning him to the bathroom. What made it worse was the arousal that wouldn’t ease.

 

Zoro let his injured hand rest on his face as he thought about what could have happened, what might have happened if he had continued. After all, it wasn’t as though Sanji had really put up a fight. He just said no. He was weak from lack of sleep, from malnutrition. It was only luck that Zoro’s morals had finally taken hold. He… _they_ could have gone all the way and he knew Sanji wouldn’t have done a thing about it.

 

“Fuck,” he cursed. What was he thinking?

 

Zoro grabbed a jacket from the floor and hurriedly put it on, thought for a second and asked himself whether Sanji was dressed for the ride home, but then chose not to bring another jacket, knowing that the already anxious blonde might misinterpret his kindness.  There was little he could do to ease the tension that he had built. The best thing he could do was give Sanji what he promised: a ride home. Zoro frowned, closing the door to his room and locking it with his key. It felt like he was sending the blonde to his grave.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive back to Sanji’s apartment was excruciatingly long. Neither man would risk starting up a conversation, and were it not for Zoro’s eventual memorization of the route to Sanji’s, they both would have ended up miserable and lost. But even with the knowledge of where to go, the drive seemed to take longer than what was bearable.  Zoro couldn’t look over and watch the blonde without possibly jeopardizing what he had with the already fragile Sanji. Zoro had learned last night that very little, if any progress had been made between them, and this morning, as well as the events leading up to this moment, was teaching him something that made him feel nothing but despair.

 

Sanji was getting worse.

 

If Sanji had done more…if the blonde had punished him, reprimanded him in any way or form Zoro would be ok. He’d be in trouble, but he’d be ok, because at least Sanji had the will to fight him back for molesting him, for attempting to have sex with him. It was true that Sanji didn’t forgive him for all of this, but his passiveness afterwards made him very wary. He wanted nothing more than to believe that Sanji was scared to say something, out of fear that he would not take him back to the apartment, or feared that Zoro’s latest promise would somehow affect this.

 

Zoro parked his car across the street from Sanji’s apartment. Both men peered out of the window and stared at the building covered with patches of hardened sleet. Zoro swallowed thickly as his gaze landed on the back of the blonde’s neck, guilt reentering his system as he tried to think of a way to make this better.

 

“Thanks,” he heard Sanji mutter. It was just as stiff and gloomy as the previous thanks he had given before.

 

“Please don’t thank me,” Zoro said. “It was the least I could have done…”

 

Zoro watched Sanji unlock the passenger’s door, his fingers shaking as he yanked the lock up from its hold, rather than asking Zoro to unlock it for him, informing the younger man that Sanji was still upset over the ordeal. He was hiding it from him. Zoro was right.

 

“Sanji.” Zoro stared helplessly as the blonde freeze in position, not eager at all to hear what he had to say.

 

“What?” Sanji asked.

 

“Will you be alright…today?”

 

Sanji’s face remained stiff, his blue eyes appearing cold and void of any sort of emotion. Zoro felt like he was staring into space, an empty space. There was nothing in there. “Why wouldn’t I be ok?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know,” Zoro said. He could feel a lump in his throat begin to develop as he let nervous thoughts fill his mind. “I don’t want us to keep starting over.”

 

“How do you think I feel,” Sanji commented. Zoro watched a dry smile form on the blonde’s face. “Neither of us wants anything to do with this. Neither of us is happy.”

 

Zoro gripped tightly on the steering wheel, his eyes now locked on the car parked in front of him. He let his hands rub against the leather till they began to feel raw with heat. He listened as Sanji feigned a laugh.

 

“I’m not going to kill myself, Zoro,” he heard Sanji say with a sarcastic hiss.

 

“That’s not funny,” he responded, still staring out ahead.

 

“Who said it was?”

 

Zoro wanted to look at the morbid expression Sanji surely must have had on his face, but refused to give in to this desire. He couldn’t bear to look into those empty eyes. If he saw them again he’d end up driving away, taking Sanji along with him, to where? Who knew, but he couldn’t leave knowing something twisted was still growing in the young man’s soul.

 

“I’ve done absolutely nothing,” Zoro muttered.

 

“Yeah,” Sanji said. He heard Sanji’s door open. “It’s not your fault though.”

 

Zoro wanted to pull Sanji in, bring him into a kiss, and declare his love for him, all in the hopes that it might change the blonde for the better. He wanted to hold Sanji down and drag him into an insane asylum to spend the rest of his days if it would mean the blonde would live a longer, safer life. But he stood in his seat, bot hands firmly gripped on the steering wheel as he stared at the license plate and counted to ten, doing his best to remain seated and silent as he listened to the dreadful sounds of Sanji leaving the car.

 

Once the door was shut and he saw Sanji walk by the front of the car did he break his concentration, allowing himself to watch and wait as the blonde quickly crossed the street without looking either way, running to the apartment and ringing up his number at the main entrance. Zoro stared, picking up at the little signs of how prepared Sanji had been to leave this world for good. He had no keys, no phone, nothing to keep him warm against the weather. He hadn’t seen the blonde smoke anything, so it was safe to assume he didn’t have a box of cigarettes on him. The one thing that was missing was a note. This time there wasn’t a note.

 

Why wasn’t there a note?

 

Zoro looked out his side window and watched Sanji lean against the wall. Usopp must have home since the Sanji didn’t look too worried about standing in front of the apartment, knowing full well he was being watched. Just as the thought entered his mind the front door was opened, revealing the younger man in question. Zoro couldn’t see that well, but Usopp looked quite well, all things considered, and let Sanji through the front doors. He continued to stare at the two men, watching Usopp speaking to the blonde, probably asking him all sorts of questions, and Sanji lying right back to him.

 

Usopp turned his head and stared at the car, causing Zoro to go eye wide with fright as the young man smiled and gestured him to come over. He couldn’t see Sanji’s reaction to this, but could assume that the blonde shared the same anxiety about the situation as well. He shook his head and pointed a finer to his wrist, hoping to trick Usopp into thinking that he had somewhere to be. No sooner had he done this did he decide to turn his car engine back on, further demonstrating to both Sanji and Usopp that he was going to leave. But aside from the obvious shock, there was something flattering in knowing that Usopp was willing to invite him into the apartment. Sanji would have hated it, and Zoro didn’t know how he would bear with the awkwardness of the situation, but Usopp’s attempt was not without appreciation.

 

Zoro drove off, and in the wrong direction, to his university, and the further away he got from the apartment, the more he thought about Usopp, and then Luffy, and everyone else. They all thought of him as a friend, and he was lying to them all about Sanji. He was being invited to their homes, their lives, and he was tricking them into thinking everything was ok. It was wrong.

 

And it was something that had to be settled.

 

Zoro could not forget what he told Sanji. He had to be firm if he wanted to change things for the better. If Sanji was getting worse then it was proof that he was going about things the wrong way. Sanji needed real help. He could force the blonde to rest and eat, but he couldn’t possibly hope to fix those nightmares and suicidal urges.

 

He would have to tell everyone what was going on. Only after telling them could Sanji get real help. Once everyone knew then there would be nothing stopping him from being pushed into the right way. He would tell Luffy, who seemed to know the most of what was going on, then everyone else would know, and somehow they would work out a plan to get Sanji the help he needed. Zoro made a turn into a narrow street and proceeded to park his car, letting himself sink into his seat as another obstacle formed in front of him. He knew he would have to confess everything to them, including the fact that he had known about this for several weeks, and had one nothing about it. Sanji had quite his classes because of his lack of determination to continue with anything, and he was losing passion with cooking. What would they say about this? What would Luffy do once he realized Zoro had tried to take advantage of Sanji, and had been tormenting over the blonde for some time?

 

This was something that desperately needed to be done, and whatever doubts he had at the moment would be solved once he confessed. He knew it had to be Luffy. Usopp had not the suspicions to be prepared for such a revelation, and Nami was completely ignorant of the truth behind her romantic fling with Sanji: such an admission would do more than surprise her. She be hurt, They would both be hurt, Luffy would be hurt, but he would be strong enough to prevail and would know what steps to take in informing Sanji’s family and friends. Zoro knew he would risk getting into serious trouble, but he….he needed to do this. He had to. He didn’t want to, but he cared about Sanji. He loved Sanji. He was in love with Sanji. He had to make sure Sanji wouldn’t make a third attempt, because chances were he would not be able to stop him in time.

 

Zoro picked up his phone and called Luffy. He brought the phone to his ear and waited while he listened to the echoes of the phone making the connection between him and the boy. He heard the Luffy’s voicemail and shook his head, hanging up the call and waiting a few seconds before making his second attempt. After another missed call Zoro changed tactics and decided to leave a message, but jut as he began to type out his warning, Luffy called his phone. Frantically, Zoro picked up and brought his cell to his ear and listened;

 

“Zoro,” Luffy’s voice rang Zoro thought he heard a button being pressed on the other line, but made the assumption that it was a bad connection due to the healing weather. “What is it?” Luffy asked. He didn’t sound as upset as he had last night. Either he had chosen to forgive him for leaving without consent, or Luffy was waiting for him to say something.

 

“Luffy,” Zoro said, his voice already beginning to shake with some fear. “What are you doing today?”

 

“The school was snowed in,” Luffy said. Zoro could detect that Luffy was already waiting on some news from him. The boy had not forgotten the conversation they shared last night. It was so hard to believe all that he experienced took place within the span of several hours. “I have a day off right now, so I was helping gramps move some stuff around the house, and then I was going to try to meet up and talk with Sanji.”

 

“Oh,” Zoro muttered, trying his very best to keep his voice from cracking.

 

“Zoro,” Luffy began. Zoro rested his arm on the steering wheel letting his head nest on top as he mentally prepared himself for the worst conversation imaginable.

 

“Yes,” he answered.

 

“You left last night,” Luffy said. “I know you went to see Sanji.” Zoro swallowed, nodding his had as though Luffy would somehow know what was going on within the confines of his vehicle. “I need to know what happened. If you’re ok, if he’s ok.” He paused, and then continued, “If it’s too private, then you don’t have to answer, I just…I don’t know, it all seemed very peculiar, that you would just freak out and leave.”

 

“We didn’t have sex,” Zoro stated. The words oozed out of him like a thick syrup, leaving a foul taste in his mouth. He could only think about the kisses he had left on the blonde. His lips were chapped, but they managed to retain a tangy, delicious taste.

 

“Oh, well, uhm,” he heard the boy mutter though some embarrassment. Clearly Luffy had imagined something similar.

 

“We’re not together,” Zoro added. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to break his heart. He’s not going to break mine either. He’s clearly not that into me.”

 

“Oh…Zoro, I’m sorry,” Luffy said. It was remarkable how his tone changed from one of worry to one of pity and sorrow, yet feel so genuine at the same time. “I told you not to ask him out. I didn’t want you to end up in some sort of mess.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Zoro said. “And you’re going to talk to him today? What do you plan to say to him, hmm?”

 

“I guess it really depends,” Luffy answered. “But can you please tell me what happened last night?”

 

“We spent the night together,” Zoro stated.  A decent start.

 

“You spent the night?” The voice seemed almost suspicious. Luffy had nothing to be upset about, Zoro had already said nothing happened, but his shaky voice made it out as though Luffy were already aware of the truth and was merely waiting for Zoro to secede the information.

 

“But nothing happened,” Zoro quickly added. “We didn’t do anything. We slept in separate beds.”

 

“Separate beds?” Luffy asked. “Where were you two?”

 

Zoro silently cursed himself for letting more out than what he was prepared to explain. He wished he knew how to ease this delicate information to Luffy without breaking too much trust with the boy, but couldn’t think of a surefire way that wouldn’t raise more suspicion.

 

“My place…at my university,” Zoro hesitantly stated.

 

“That’s where you two met?”

 

“No, it’s where we rested,” Zoro answered. He couldn’t tell if Luffy was purposely prying for more info or if he was concerned for his and Sanji’s safety. He nervously tucked his hand in between his legs as he leaned forward into his seat. “We met outside…I actually sort of, kind of bumped into him.”

 

“The weather was pretty bad last night.”

 

“Yeah, it was.”

 

“I’m surprised the two of you were outside at the time,” Luffy muttered though the line. He no longer sounded like he was trying to interrogate Zoro, yet he couldn’t shake off the feeling that something would abruptly ruin the conversation.

 

“Zoro.” Luffy said.

 

“Yes?” he asked.

 

“As soon as you left I called Sanji,” Luffy replied. In his voice Zoro could hear some regret.

 

“Uh-huh,” Zoro said.

 

“I’m going to be honest, I was trying to warn him,” Luffy confessed. “I didn’t want anything bad happening. I thought, maybe if I called and we talked, really talked like we did a long time ago, he might let me in on what was bothering him…”

 

There was a part of Zoro that wanted to be offended, and another that wanted to praise Luffy for his consideration. He pushed his selfish thoughts away and reminded him it no longer mattered now. “And what did he say?”

 

“His phone went straight to voicemail.”

 

“Oh.” Zoro remarked.

 

“So I called Usopp,” Luffy added. “But wouldn’t you know it, he couldn’t call Sanji either.” Zoro bit his lower lip as he stared out of the window, that gut sensation taking over as he realized exactly what Sanji had done.

 

“But what was strange was that Usopp recalled seeing Sanji earlier. He had been there right before Usopp went to his room to study,” Luffy said, his voice seeming to loom over Zoro. “So I asked Usopp to check and see if he might have accidently left his phone while he had gone out.” There was a pause. Zoro could here the boy struggling to breath on the other side.

 

“Luffy.” Zoro said. “I know this is going to–”

 

“You know what he found, right?” Luffy asked, his voice cracking as he struggled to retain his composure on the line.

 

“…I can guess,” Zoro said.

 

“What was it then?” Luffy asked.

 

Zoro closed his eyes and sighed. He freed his hand and used it to cover his reddened face. “You found his phone. It was probably hidden somewhere. The phone was removed of its battery and sim card.”

 

“Yeah,” Luffy said. Another pause. Zoro cold hear something that sounded like more heavy breathing, but it didn’t sound like Luffy’s. 

 

“Usopp called me and said you called him asking about Sanji,” Luffy continued. He sounded angry, no, furious. “He said you sounded worried…he spent the whole night pacing about, trying to figure out what was going on.”  One more pause, and then, finally, the dreaded accusation. “Zoro. You know something, and you’re keeping it a secret, aren’t you?”

 

“Luffy.” Zoro said. He couldn’t see anything ahead of him now. This wasn’t supposed to be how things turned out.

 

“What happened that night?!” Luffy demanded. “Where did you meet Sanji?”

 

Zoro could feel his free hand hover above the keys, as though turning on the ignition and driving off would somehow save him from the emotional tyranny of the call. No, this was definitely not how the call was supposed to turn out. Luffy wasn’t supposed to have called, and Usopp wasn’t supposed to have gone investigating. They weren’t supposed to know. And he wasn’t supposed to be a main suspect in all of this.

 

But he was. And there was only one thing left to do.

 

Zoro couldn’t feel a single tear run down his face, but all he wished he could do was cry, hoping it would bring sympathy from his accuser more so than anything else.

 

“Luffy, I’m so sorry.” He flinched away from his seat and gripped tightly on the steering wheel. “I should have told you everything a long time ago…but I couldn’t. I promised him I wouldn’t tell you…”

 

He heard someone’s voice on the line break. A nasally cry barely withholding itself from going into a full bawl. It was not Luffy’s voice. Zoro’s eyes went wide with terror as he realized he and Luffy weren’t the only ones in on the conversation.

 

“You…you have Usopp on the line?” He asked.

 

“He deserved to know.” Luffy muttered.

 

“Guys,” Zoro raised himself from his seat, lurching back and forward and feeling completely helpless. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Sorry!?” he heard Usopp cry out. “You’re sorry? How could you do this?!”

 

“Usopp, please calm down,” Zoro said. His heart raced with adrenaline and fear. Was Sanji aware that Usopp was learning about his darkest secret? No, there was no way he could possibly know what was going on.

 

“How long has this been going on?” Usopp asked. “How long has he been keeping this from us?”

 

“I don’t know,” Luffy muttered. “Zoro?”

 

Zoro eyed the keys hanging and fantasized escaping from the call. He could hang up, drive off, and pretend none of this ever happened. He could forget everything he had ever said or done with Sanji, and go back to his old life. Nobody knew his personal life, other than Sanji, and he doubted the blonde would care to involve him anymore now that this secret was out.

 

But then…he couldn’t very well go back to the old days now, could he?

 

“Zoro?” Luffy’s voice echoed into his ear.

 

He could only think about Sanji right now, trapped in the apartment without any real knowledge of what was going on. In trying to get help he had betrayed him. He made a promise to the blonde to never tell, and now Sanji had at most a few hours before Luffy would approach him on the dreaded subject. He would learn about the call, about how he had failed to keep that secret.

 

“Zoro!”

 

He had to do something.

 

* * *

 

 

The hot water hitting Sanji’s cool skin seemed to reawaken the vigor that had remained hidden the past several hours. He kept his eyes closed as he took a step back and let the water run down his face, hoping the heat would bring some color to his otherwise pale complexion.

 

Usopp had appeared somewhat concerned when he had let him in. Sanji thought little of it since the young man had not made too much of a deal of it. He asked where he and Zoro had gone, had asked him to keep his phone on, and mildly scolded him for showing up so late.  He wondered if Usopp thought something sexual had happened between him and Zoro. The thought made him queasy.

 

Past his closed lids he could see Zoro on top of him, pressing his body against his, darkness produced by natural shadows covering his vision and, worst of all, that feeling of flesh against flesh. It made him frustrated that such a sensation nearly made him forget everything he had worked so hard to forget, that instinctual need for attention almost ruining everything.

 

What was he do to with Zoro? He had been caught in the act, had been threated, almost molested, and now he was separated from him with the feeling of dread, interest and mild arousal. The man almost knew how serious things were now. Almost, for if he had really understood how far Sanji’s pain went he would have realized this was all a waste of his time. No matter how hard Zoro worked, no matter the things he said, the actions he performed, the imprints he left behind, nothing could possibly change who he was and what was killing him from the inside.

 

Sanji opened his eyes, the water cooling down and causing his skin to prickle being a sign of how long he had stood in the shower, letting his mind race around and try to heal itself from another long night. He turned off the water while thinking of all the things he could have done with the young man. He dried himself off and continued to reminisce of the things he might have done, if his own personal fears hadn’t stopped him.

 

He left the bathroom and went into his own room; taking note of how quite apartment was at the moment. He hurriedly dressed himself in nothing spectacular and dried his hair, letting the towel dampen the floor as he continued life on autopilot. He refused to let himself think more of the previous situation until he sat on the bed, his body instantly begging him for rest, his stomach for more nutrients, and his heart for the arms and reassurance from another.

 

He knew he would regret the decision, but chose to meet one of his body’s demands, he covered himself up with the bedcover and closed his eyes, telling himself over and over before falling asleep that he would rest for a few minutes before going out of his room to search for food. He couldn’t yet force himself to cook something nice.

 

_She lay by his side. Arms outstretched from a long, restful night. The fresh light produced from a spring morning was seeping through the gap of the curtains, shining a bright light upon her exposed chest._

_Sanji remembered how he had grabbed hold of her, bringing her closer to him trying to woo her further with his cheesy lines, and promising her a wonderful breakfast. He did all of this while the backdrop of his mind scolded him for cheating on her two days prior._

_“Is something wrong?” Nami asked him._

_Sanji blinked several times, his eyes feeling dryer than normal. He looked around the faded memory of his old room and then stared back at Nami. He should be holding her now, telling her he loved her over and over till she rolled her eyes in mild annoyance. But he couldn’t do that right now._

_“No,” he lied, bringing himself into a false smile._

_He could feel the mattress underneath the two of them begin to shake with a fury he couldn’t believe he had produced. He could hear Nami yelp with fear and grab hold of him, her frail arms barely capable of keeping a firm hold of his body._

_“What’s going on?” he heard her cry._

_He continued to ignore her please as he stared out the window. The color around the two of them seemed to fade away, replaced with different shades of grey, but the light remained a bright, welcoming yellow, and as the world around him began to shatter and break away, the window remained. The curtains flew away, and the light enveloped his body, blinding him and forcing him to look away as the ground beneath him gave way to the growing quakes, his entire being falling along with the crumbled leftovers of his room, Nami’s cries calling for him as the world then faded into black._

 

Sanji opened his eyes and felt his stomach churn. As per usual the lack of emotion from the dream dealt a bigger blow than the dream, itself. He wasn’t sure how long he had rested, but he didn’t feel any better about eating than he had prior to his rest. He got out of bed and put his shoes on, quickly rearranged his hair to look more natural and becoming, and proceeded out to the living room.

 

He knew there was no passion to cook. He looked into the small kitchen and sighed as he stared at the unused pots and pans tucked into the corner of the counter. There was just nothing there.

 

“Hey, Usopp,” Sanji called into the hallway. “You want something?”

 

Maybe if someone asked he’d feel more inclined to create.

 

“Usopp? You hungry or what?” Sanji yelled, taking a step forward and bringing his voice up more.

 

He could hear some noises coming from the young man’s room, but nothing that sounded like a definite answer. Sanji approached the door and lightly knocked on the door, letting the door move into the room a bit to allow him the chance of calling the younger man out.

 

“Hey, are you hungry?” he called into the room.

 

He felt the warm air hit the exposed part of his face. From the other side he could make out some muffled noise that didn’t sound too good.

 

“Usopp?” Sanji said. He pushed against the door and heard movement upon the bed. He wasn’t sure why he chose to continue any further from that point, a feeling overcoming him and warning him that opening the door all the way would lead to trouble, but he went along and entered Usopo’s room and immediately made eye contact with the younger man sitting on the bed, phone at hand, eyes puffy and red.

 

Sanji stared down at the phone, then up at Usopp, wondering what might have caused him to be so upset. A million thoughts rushed into his mind, but then he stared into Usopp’s torn expression and could see the look of hurt and betrayal directed at him.

 

“Usopp?” Sanji muttered, unsure of how to react to this accusatory expression. He eyed the phone again, and then back to Usopp, now piecing the events that lead up to this.

 

Usopp said nothing, only looking at him with a pained expression that made Sanji forget any of the hunger he had previously felt before. Now he really was sick.

 

Sanji frowned, lowering his head and looking away from the younger man.

 

“S-Sanji, I don’t–”

 

Without saying another word, Sanji walked out of the room closing the door behind him, Usopp stopping himself from saying anything. He leaned against the wall, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to think. He could hear the young man in his room, pacing about and talking, not to himself though, but to someone else. Who was he talking to? Zoro? Did Zoro do this?

 

Sanji ran into his room and grabbed his coat, keys, wallet, and then proceeded into the living room. He walked nervously in circles, trying to think of a place to go before Usopp decided to leave his room and approach him.

 

How far did this go, he wondered. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and began to play with the few articles he had on him. His mouth went dry. His heart felt weak. He wished he had the time and privacy to enact a panic attack, but couldn’t risk being trapped in the apartment with Usopp.

 

He knew. How did he find out? Did Zoro really betray him? So quickly?

 

He needed a cigarette. He needed more time to think about where he would go. He needed to find a way for everyone to forget. Who did Usopp tell? Who was that person going to tell?

 

Would they all hate him? Would they ever trust him again? Why was this happening? Did Zoro do this?

 

Sanji heard the door to Usopp’s room open, causing him to panic and hurry out of the apartment. He heard Usopp calling after him as he raced out of the complex, feeling lightheaded and weak until he broke through the front doors and ran down the street, in what direction and to where, he wasn’t sure.

 

He kept running. And he kept running even after his lungs burned into his throat, and his chest felt dry and heavy, and his legs numb from each hard step. He wished he could bring himself to stop, but the fear kept him from stopping. He didn’t know what to do with himself. They all knew now.

 

Sanji finally stopped in front of a payphone, located next to a bus stop on a busy street. He collapsed on the seat, letting his heaving chest rest for several minutes before pulling out his wallet and selecting coins for the call he was about to make.

 

He could hear people around him walking buy, talking and minding their own business, but the anxiety tricked him into thinking they were all watching him. He could feel their stares burning into his back as he began to insert his coins into the slot. Everyone knew now, and things between him and the rest of the entire world could never be the same, so long as he was alive. It was horrible. How did they know? Zoro?

 

Sanji licked his chapped lips, wishing for a cigarette to wet his dry mouth. He leaning against the glass and counted the sounds of the ringing, waiting for the other line to pick up.

 

He couldn’t hide anywhere. Everyone knew where he lived, worked, where his family was. He would have no privacy now, no time to think. Life would be completely unbearable. Did Zoro do this to him?

 

“Hello?”

 

Sanji gripped the phone tightly against his cold, dry skin. He sounded guilty.

 

“Zoro,” Sanji muttered.

 

“God, where are you?” Zoro cried through the phone. He was a guilty man. “I got a call saying you ran off…”

 

“You told them, didn’t you?” Sanji hissed. He pulled at the wire connecting the phone to the line.

 

“Sanji…that’s not it,” Zoro said.

 

He bit his lip and looked around the telephone booth, suspicious that someone may be overhearing the conversation.

 

“What are you talking about?” he asked nervously.

 

“They found out,” Zoro answered in a defeated sigh. “Luffy had Usopp listening in on the call.”

 

“Luffy found out?” Sanji shook his head, trying to recall a point when the boy might have suspected him. “And he called you about it?”

 

Zoro struggled with the next few words, “actually, I called him.”

 

Sanji’s eyes went wide. “You called?”

 

“I was really thinking about telling him myself, but he got to it first,” Zoro confessed. “Sanji, I’m really sorry…but this was–”

 

“–So you didn’t tell him?” Sanji asked. He felt his other hand grab hold of the phone. His shoulder slid against the insides of the booth as he felt his legs grow weak. It seemed the only thing he could think of now was Zoro betraying him, and for reasons he couldn’t explain he wanted nothing more than for it to be a lie. Zoro couldn’t have done this. He would never do such a terrible thing.

 

“No, I didn’t, but I thought–”

 

“Zoro, I need you to pick me up,” Sanji desperately pleaded into the phone. He didn’t do this.

 

“What?”

 

“You wont tell them where I am, will you?” he asked.

 

“Sanji, what…”

 

“You can’t let them know where I am,” Sanji continued to plead into the phone. “I trusted you…you can’t let them find out, not yet. I need time. To think. I really need you to give this to me, Zoro.”

 

“Sanji, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Zoro whispered into the phone.

 

Of course he didn’t. This was a terrible idea. But he had nothing else to go on, and Sanji knew Zoro was the only one who would probably bend to his will. But the last comment the young man had made left a sour taste in his mouth, his stomach, although empty, churned in disgust.

 

“I’ll owe you,” Sanji said into the phone. He couldn’t believe he had said such words, especially knowing what effect they would have on Zoro. But he already had said them, and the deed had been made. All he had to do was wait on the answer, and he was sure Zoro would not deny him that ride.

 

He had to go somewhere. He couldn’t think straight with everyone staring at him, looking for him, making him feel all the more guilty.

 

His head ached. He needed to rest.

 

He heard let out another Zoro sigh. “Where are you?” he asked.


	16. Mere Minutes

It felt like years since Sanji had seen the bathroom tub where his damaged feet that soaked in for a few hours, the strange conversation he held with that woman named Robin managing to dull the pain his frost damaged nerves were in. He tried to think about why he had kissed her, whether it was out of kindness, arousal, or simply being grateful for having been saved. He could feel the bottom of his soles. There were parts that still felt dull or numb from irreversible damaged, but they had healed over the past several weeks.

 

“Are you done in there?” he heard Zoro nervously ask from the other side.

 

Sanji looked away from the tub and to the door, his eyes lowering to the shadow that peered between the space of the door and hallway carpet, Zoro’s looming shadow. Still staring at the figure he flushed the toilet and refreshed himself. He made sure to turn on the faucet loud as a means of answering the young, green haired man.

 

Robin’s house was an interesting choice to trap himself in. He had all but forgotten that far away day, his first real attempt, and so close to success, ruined by the cries of a woman. Until now he didn’t remember Zoro remarking how he had spent his weekends at the house, a temporary getaway from the claustrophobic dorm life.

 

The bottom of his feet ached.

 

Sanji opened the door and was welcomed by the site of a very tired looking man, stressed beyond his usual comfort, staring back at him with a confused, guilt stricken expression.

 

“Hey,” he muttered, looking away from the blonde.

 

Sanji knew he had every right to be angry with Zoro, but complete disinterest stopped him from so much as raising his voice. He could only tell himself to be grateful that he picked him up and drive him away from the rest of the world.

 

“Can I have some water?” he asked quietly.

 

Zoro looked back up and gave a rushed nod. “You can have whatever you want,  
 he said, his voice staggering at the last words. He pulled in his bottom lip and did his best to withhold a guilty blush. “I’ll get you some.”

 

“Where’s your room?” Sanji asked, choosing not to notice the obvious signs.

 

“Just down the hall, the door will be open,” Zoro responded, pushing himself off the wall and bringing himself closer to the blonde, but hesitating from making any physical contact before finally giving up and walking back into the living room, and then into the kitchen.

 

Sanji grabbed his own arms as he made his way down the dark hall, the light emitting from Zoro’s room being his guide. He walked into the room and sat himself on the bed, not bothering to look around at the few decorations the younger man had placed throughout the small space. His head felt heavy so he let it lower until it hung from his shoulders. He felt cold so he slid his arms higher up each other and brought them closer to his chest. He stared down at his legs that rested weakly on the floor.

 

It was quiet in the room.

 

In a matter of hours Robin would enter the house, and there would be nothing Zoro could do to stop her from walking in and discovering him. But the more he thought about it the more a few hours seemed to stretch. A few hours could last an eternity if he willed it. Sanji smiled as he thought this, feeling the air around him begin to slow and still, his universe proving his mind right as everything froze just for him. This could last forever.

 

“Here’s your water,” he heard a voice above him say.

 

Sanji raised his head and squint his eyes, the light above radiating around Zoro creating a strange halo affect that did more than just bother him. He took the water and began to nurse at it, his eyes once again gluing themselves to the carpet.

 

“If you keep calm, I don’t think Robin will notice when she comes back,” he heard Zoro comment.

 

He took a long sip from his drink. He didn’t believe it. She would look past the charade and see that everything had finally broken through. She would ultimately break through.

 

“You know, eventually they’ll call me and ask if I know where you are,” Zoro added. Sanji turned and stared at the young man, who stared back at him with a concerned gaze. “I need to know,” he said, “what do you want me to do?”

 

Zoro was going to tell. Sanji blinked and felt the burns being etched into the back of his mind. He was going to betray you, he thought, taking another sip of water.

 

But he didn’t say anything, he also thought. He swallowed warm water and continued to watch Zoro with interest, feeling his heart beat harder as the words repeated once more in his mind. He did not say anything. He thought more on the subject. Zoro drove all the way to pick him up. He drove him here. He’s done so much today.

 

“I’m glad you didn’t say anything,” he muttered.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You didn’t tell Luffy or Usopp,” Sanji muttered, staring at his glass cup.  He motioned his hand to the free space on the bed next to him, gesturing Zoro to rest. He continued to stare at the cup, feeling the bed shift with newly added weight.

 

“I said I was going to,” Zoro remarked.

 

 

“But you didn’t,” Sanji said, smiling down at his cup. “You didn’t say anything. You said so.”

 

“I guess when you put it that way,” Zoro nervously responded. “But that doesn’t change what’s going on now.”

 

“Let’s not discuss this,” Sanji said, letting his cup tilt dangerously towards the rug. “Anything else, just change the subject.”

 

He heard Zoro grumble to himself, completely unsure of how to properly respond to his remark, but Sanji remained silent as he waited for Zoro to comply with his new demand.

 

“Are you cold?” he asked.

 

“No, not really,” Sanji answered back.

 

“Hungry?”

 

Sanji paused, lifting his glace and placing it carefully between his legs. “A little,” he answered.

 

“Want me to get you something?” Zoro asked.

 

“Don’t leave the house, please,” he replied, turning to Zoro and pleading through his tired eyes.

 

Zoro frowned. “I’ll check the fridge for something.” He got up from the bed and walked over to the door, turning once to check and see if Sanji had somehow altered since then, and the proceeded out the door. Sanji sat where he was, eyeing the half filled glass between his legs and wishing he could not only stop time, but go back as well.

 

He wasn’t feeling anything but relief. There should have been other things as well, but nothing could compare to that feeling of getting out of that apartment and back into Zoro’s car. He could say he was feeling nervous, anxious, panicky, and frightened, but knowing he was clear from trouble seemed to outperform any other emotion. He was happy he was here, back in this house, and even though that Robin woman would surely return and wonder what to do with him, he couldn’t help but feel safe and, dare he think it, content.

 

* * *

 

Zoro wasn’t sure what to make of this situation. He wished he had the courage to call Luffy, and what courage it would be considering he had hung up on Luffy once both he and Usopp began asking all too personal questions.

 

Sanji appeared to not really be a part of the world. His stare seemed off, his movement not entirely human, and his reaction to the situation was just unreal. If the roles were switched Zoro was sure he’d be in a state of panic simply knowing that everyone knew his horrible secret. Yet once Sanji had gotten back into the car he had appeared nothing less than calm. It was as if everything that had happened before opening that car door had vanished from history. It was disturbing enough the way he had acted after he had kissed him, but this was beyond bizarre.

 

Zoro opened Robin’s fridge and picked out some fruit for the blonde to eat. He glanced through the well-kept fridge for other potential morsels, making up a short list to bring up with Sanji once he made his first offering. If Sanji was willing to eat then things were not completely hopeless. Work could still be done.

 

He walked down the hall, an apple and pear at hand, and before he entered the room Zoro made sure to keep himself poised as confidently as possible. He had made a promise on that bridge that he would make things right. He couldn’t give up on Sanji.

 

“I got some fruit to start you off,” Zoro said as he entered the room.

 

Sanji raised his head up and smiled at Zoro, eyeing the fruit with great interest. Zoro took this as a positive sign. He offered the fruit to the blonde, who took it without delay, and then sat himself right next to him, perhaps a bit too close, but Sanji didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Did you want a sandwich?” he asked, watching Sanji take a decent sized bit out of the pear. “I can make something small…”

 

“Please, don’t cook,” the blonde said through a munch. He took another bite, nearly choking down the half chewed piece.

 

“You don’t cook sandwiches,” Zoro responded. “I mean…you can, but I wasn’t planning on anything fancy.”

 

Sanji stopped, the pear lying limp in his hand, as he stared out, his mind consumed with some thought. “You’re right,” he muttered after a short pause.

 

“…so did you want a sandwich?” Zoro asked.

 

Sanji continued to stare out, a hurt look developing on his face as he slowly shook his head, the movement of his neck stiff and jagged.

 

Zoro took notice and felt compelled to ask. “Is something wrong?”

 

Sanji opened his legs, letting the glass of water slip and fall on the carpet, drenching the floor with a dark wetness. The apple, which lay next to Sanji’s left leg, also took a slip as he moved about on the bed, falling right next to the now empty glass. Sanji didn’t seem to notice himself, instead covering his face with his free hand as he growled through his teeth in disgust.

 

“Sanji?”

 

“You don’t cook sandwiches,” he said through his teeth, shaking his head more rapidly. “How did I forget something like that?”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Zoro said. He looked down at the wet mess and got up from the bed, picking up the glass while keeping an eye on the blonde who continued to shake his head in refusal.

 

“It’s very wrong,” he muttered. “I can’t remember so simple. Sandwiches. Panini. I don’t even care anymore.”

 

Zoro grabbed an extra blanket located at the foot of the bed and used it to quickly cover up the split water. He got up from the floor and stood just inches away from Sanji, not directly in front of him, but close enough to feel that desperate heat radiate from the disturbed man. Had he the energy Zoro would have squatted to make eye contact with Sanji and force his way through the blonde as he had previously done in the morning, but feeling tired and very perplexed, Zoro decided to take a more natural and supportive role. Clearly cooking was something important to Sanji; he worked at a restaurant and his friends had boasted over his cooking before. For Sanji to make a mistake over something so simple may appear silly to him, but for someone so emotionally distressed, it was a big deal.

 

“We all make mistakes,” Zoro said, leaning in and resting his hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “You can’t expect to be perfect all the time, right?”

 

Sanji stopped his irregular movement, lifting his head up and silently staring at Zoro with a bitter look.

 

“I mean it,” Zoro said. “I fuck up all the time.” He removed his hand from Sanji, propping himself back on the bed next to the man and proceeded to point to the three swords located in the corner of the room. “I’ve practice with those three every weekend, and sometimes I’ll make the simplest of mistakes. My footing will be off, or my arms aren’t aligned just right.”

 

“Swordsman,” he heard Sanji mutter.

 

“Yeah, remember?” Zoro said. “I think we talked about this before. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I mentioned I had a passion for swordsmanship to you.”

 

Sanji said nothing, but it didn’t stop Zoro from attempting to continue.

 

“We talked about a lot of things that weren’t just about you getting better, or those dreams,” he said. “Like my hair,” he went on, even going as far as to point that one quality out to Sanji, “you talked about how it reminded you of those green balls they sell at Petco…what were they called again?”

 

“Marimo,” Sanji murmured.

 

“Yeah, I wonder if you can still get those?” Zoro said. “I mean, we’re allowed fish in the dorms, and those things live in water. It’s not like you have to feed or clean up after them.”

 

“I don’t know,” Sanji said.

 

“…but,” Zoro added, looking at the half eaten pear in Sanji’s hand, “I think I came up something for you too, didn’t I?”

 

Sanji shrugged.

 

“Would you like your apple?” Zoro asked.

 

Sanji looked down at the browning fruit in his hand. “I haven’t finished my pear.”

 

Zoro smiled. “Finish it then.”

 

Somehow he had managed to successfully change the subject without Sanji noticing. He wanted to congratulate himself on a job well done, seeing that a pleasant Sanji was far better than an emotionally disturbed one, but knew this phase was probably only temporary. Something would surely set Sanji off again, and he’d be right back at square one. There was never any progress.

 

“I wonder what they’re all doing,” he heard Sanji say through a soft murmur.

 

“Who?”

 

“Everyone,” Sanji answer.

 

Zoro nod his head. There was something pleasing in hearing Sanji show concern for his own actions.

 

“I don’t want them to worry,” he said.

 

“Well, you certainly cant expect them not to worry, especially now.”

 

“Everything feels like it happened ages ago,” Sanji continued.

 

“We’ve only been here about twenty minutes,” Zoro said. “Add that to the hour drive…I’m sure they’re trying to reach you right now.”

 

“…I left the phone in my room,” Sanji said.

 

Zoro knew bringing up the previous conversation on Luffy or Usopp attempting to call him would be risky, but seeing that he had brought Sanji into a more calming mood, he hoped he could get some sort of logical response from the blonde. Maybe, he thought, Sanji would consider getting the aid he needed from his friends. He knew he had been successfully pushed into a corner; there was essentially no way out at this point. Sanji had to know this.

 

“They will call me,” Zoro said.

 

The blonde raised the pear up to his mouth and took a bite from it. Zoro watched, anticipating what he would say, how he would react to this. Sanji stared down at his fruit and placed it down on the bed, letting his hands clasp together.

 

“Will you answer?” he asked, his voice dropping an entire octave.

 

Zoro frowned. “I think I should.”

 

Sanji lowered his face. “I don’t think you should.”

 

“Your friends will not hate you.” Zoro reached out and let his hand rest on Sanji’s arm, his fingers carefully curling around the fabric, should Sanji suddenly try to escape him. “They’re just as scared as you are. They only want to know if you’re safe.”

 

Sanji looked away, his body beginning to tremble. “I saw him crying.”

 

“He was scared,” Zoro said. He saw Sanji begin to lean away, as though the very memory of causing his friend such pain caused him to melt in repulsion. “He’s just like you, Sanji. He isn’t sure what to do.”

 

“No,” Sanji said. “They’ll want to know where I am.”

 

“They won’t come if I tell them you’re not ready to see them,” Zoro said, moving in closer as Sanji continued to curl inwards.

 

“Yeah, because you clearly had control over what was going on between you and Luffy,” Sanji said, falling into his usual hysterics. “This is useless, and you have to promise me you won’t answer the phone.

 

“I can’t promise that…”

 

Sanji suddenly leapt up from his curled up position, surprising Zoro and causing him to quickly back away. No sooner had he done this did the blonde grab him by the shoulder and push his back down on the bed. The impact was rough and shocked Zoro, but not as much as the scene above him; Sanji crawled right on top of him, his arms positioned just above Zoro’s broad shoulders, one of hi legs resting between Zoro’s, the other hanging on the edge of the bed.

 

Sanji shadowed expression haunted Zoro. He stared down at him, his hair hanging down and exposing the white from both his eyes.

 

“Zoro…”

 

“Sanji, calm down,” Zoro said, his voice shaking with fear.

 

“…you love me, right?”

 

Zoro felt his eyes ache from how wide they went when he heard Sanji say those cruel words. His fingers curled tight into the palm of his hand from hearing those words.

 

“Please, Zoro,” Sanji said, lowering himself closer to the young man so that their faces were only inches apart, “you have to promise me. If you really meant what you said, then you’ll promise not to betray me this time.”

 

Zoro could feel his face heat up as his felt Sanji’s breath rest on his skin, yet at the same time he felt himself growing pale from hearing this twisted ultimatum. He jumped a bit, causing Sanji to recoil away from him just a few inches, when he felt Sanji’s hand rest on top of his fist. He wished he could repel the hand away, but the moment the hand made contact he felt some of the rage inside him diminish and his fist relaxed into Sanji’s fingers, intertwining with them as he stared up into fearful blue eyes.

 

“Don’t call them, and don’t answer their calls,” Sanji asked. His left side sank closer to Zoro, bringing the two dangerously close to one another, with more bodily contact, and Zoro’s body now shaking with a new animalistic desire.

 

Zoro gulped. “…Sanji…”

 

Sanji whispered into his ear, “you’re a virgin, right?”

 

Zoro barely held in a cough as he tried to push himself into the sheets and away from the cruel blonde.  But instead of some twisted remark the man above him produced a kind, warm smile. He rested his lips just above Zoro’s, continuing, “I know what feels good. I’ve done it both ways. I can tell you what you need to do.”

 

“I’m not interested,” he lied.

 

Sanji chuckled. “You seemed pretty interested several hours ago.”

 

“I…” Zoro was at a loss for words. He had tried to have sex with someone who wasn’t ready, and now…that person was trying to do the same to him, only…he actually wanted it.  And Sanji knew it.

 

Worst of all, there was a part of him that really didn’t care.

 

Zoro moved his head up to close the small gap between the two of them, once again reacquainting himself with Sanji’s chapped lips, but this time there was no repulsion coming from the blonde’s side. Almost immediately after his lips pressed against the blonde’s did he feel Sanji’s lips part, giving access for Zoro to continue further, if he dared. Without a second thought Zoro caressed Sanji’s jawline as he began to lightly suck on his lower lip, earning a soft sigh from Sanji.

 

He continued to kiss Sanji, once more on the lips, and then on his cheek, all while letting his hand touch explore the willing blonde. He planted another kiss on Sanji’s jawline while letting his fingers sink into the blonde locks, he closed his eyes as he tried to pretend this was all out of love.

 

“Zoro,” he heard Sanji whisper. He tightened his lids shut as he felt the blonde rest some weight on top of him, letting go of his hand and letting his cool fingers play with his earrings.

 

“Are you afraid?” he heard him say. Zoro knew he didn’t have to answer that question.

 

“You know,” Sanji’s voice echoed into his reddened ears, “I really do care about you.” Zoro wished he knew whether or not this was truth. He wanted to believe the blonde.

 

“I depend on you so much,” Sanji went on, his voice filling up with emotion, “and I’ve done nothing to help you. You’re missing class right now. You’re going to fail because of me.”

 

Zoro opened his eyes, stinging with tears, and stared at equally hurt blue eyes above him.

 

“I need you to make one more promise,” Sanji begged.

 

There was a trap beneath it all. Zoro could see his opportunity to turn the tables on the man and hopefully find a way out of this.

 

“Please,” Sanji asked.

 

Zoro grabbed Sanji and pulled him into an embrace. He let his right hand grab hold of the man’s top half, pressing his body against his, his left hand resting just above the Sanji’s pants.

 

“You know I love you,” Zoro said in a near whimper. “You can’t expect me to agree without unless you promise me something as well.”

 

The blonde lifted himself up and stared perplexingly at Zoro.

 

Zoro cupped Sanji’s cheeks and pulled him forward. “I love you,” he said. He took a deep breath and continued, “the only reason why I even thought to call Luffy was because I loved you enough to doubt myself.”

 

He then pushed Sanji off of him, stunning the blonde, but not breaking eye contact from him. He got on his knees and pulled Sanji on his as well, making sure they were both at the same level.

 

“You cannot expect me to continue this, never knowing if you’re planning on harming yourself…or worse,” Zoro said. He then grabbed Sanji’s hand. “If you want me to promise not to hurt you, then I’ll have to ask the same of you.”

 

He watched Sanji’s expression lighten up with surprise. He understood.

 

“You think your friends will have it hard, your family,” Zoro said, “what about me?”

 

“I…I don’t–”

 

“You never thought about that, did you?” Zoro asked. He pulled Sanji in close, letting his body heat the two of them up. Sanji just wasn’t warm. He needed to eat after this. “The closer we get, the harder it becomes, for me.”

 

He felt Sanji stiffen in his grasp. Once again, bearing responsibility for his actions was becoming to irksome for Sanji to handle. What was he going to do now?

 

“If you think you can just sleep with me and have me do as you please, then I have some really bad news for you,” Zoro said. “If you really care about me, then you wouldn’t dare think about jumping off that bridge. If you meant what you said, then you’d bear with the same burdens I have to.”

 

He was sure this was more than enough to change Sanji’s mind. The deal itself wasn’t fair at all; his request ran for how long Zoro deemed it relevant, while Sanji’s would only last till his friends and family got ahold of him, and by now a majority of them must know. It would only be a matter of time before they called authorities. Zoro could see it. Perhaps this very minute they were looking for him.

 

“Sanji,” Zoro said, bringing the blonde in for a kiss, feeling Sanji hesitant to accept him. He rubbed his fingers against Sanji’s palm, feeling it twitch from the tickling sensation. And then he went and asked the most damning question, the cherry on the top to ruin everything, “do you love me?”

 

He felt Sanji slink away from him. This was not a question he could lie to. The young man, red faced from all the sensual contact, stared at Zoro with a mixed look that Zoro couldn’t translate. But he was sure he knew what the answer would be.

 

“No,” Sanji answered.

 

How could he say yes to such ridiculous demands?

 

“But…”

 

Zoro’s mouth opened a little as he watched Sanji inch towards him, looking quite unsure of himself as he stared submissively at Zoro.

 

“I really care about you,” Sanji said. Zoro told himself this wasn’t a good enough answer, and was about to remark his disinterest to Sanji when the blonde continued still. “And if you’re patient, and you bear with me like you’ve been doing, then I’ll try to work something out.”

 

Zoro frowned. “I don’t understand.”

 

Sanji forced out a laugh. “I’m scared,” He said, shaking his head. He pushed Zoro away and covered his face, which Zoro could see was red and moist. “I’m afraid to fall in love again, especially with another man. It’s shameful. It’s disappointing to me that I feel desire from either sex, but can’t be completely satisfied with women. And I was afraid of falling in love with someone while all of this was happening.”

 

This time Zoro’s jaw did drop. Without even knowing it he had his mouth covered up with his hand to hide some of the shock.

 

Sanji looked up at Zoro, exposing his blushing, wet face. It wasn’t as bad as Zoro thought he would look. He wasn’t in complete hysterics. He just looked upset, perhaps more embarrassed than anything else. “

 

“I really meant it when I said I care about you, Zoro,” Sanji said, wiping his face and allowing Zoro to discover that the blonde wasn’t currently crying. “I just need more time. I need it. Give it to me for as long as you can.”

 

Impossible.

 

“I don’t know what will happen,” Sanji said, “but…”

 

No, don’t say it. Don’t say it now.

 

“I’m pretty sure I can learn to love you, normally.”

 

How could he, Zoro thought, struggling to keep himself up. How dare Sanji have a real breakthrough now, after all this time? How could he admit something so private so easily, and yet have it come off as a lie? This was all real.

 

He couldn’t refuse. Sanji admitted a serious problem he had with his sexual repression. This was something that could be fixed, and assuming it was one of the causes for his depression, approaching and aiding Sanji in this dilemma could vastly improve his quality of life. He had to refuse. Sanji was in need to help right now, and although he said he needed time to think, he had been given more than enough. He attempted suicide twice in the course of several weeks. He was a threat to himself and needed professional help, not coddling from him.

 

He had to refuse because Sanji was mentally unfit to make serious decisions on his own. He had to accept because Sanji had placed so much trust on him to openly talk about a serious issue he had.

 

The very fact that Sanji said all of this was a sign to Zoro that something was possible between them. Sanji could fall in love with him. Sanji could still be fixed.

 

He felt Sanji’s fingers mix in with his own. He looked at the pale man in front of him and sighed.

 

“Zoro.”

 

“Ok,” Zoro said in a voice that was inappropriately loud for the situation. “I promise I wont answer the phone.”

 

Sanji nod his head. Without saying another word he rested himself against Zoro, his head laying on Zoro’s shoulders, staring out at the rest of the room, silently. Zoro felt warmth produced from their hands holding on to one another, and felt compelled to rub his fingers against Sanji’s palm, hoping to spark that energy he had seen before.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Zoro turned and stared at the mass of blonde hair resting on his shoulder. With his free hand he gave Sanji a soft pat, a smile breaking though his tired demeanor as he felt Sanji lean closer to him.

 

“No problem,” he lied.

 

“So,” Sanji muttered, “did you want to fuck me or not?”

 

Zoro nearly gasped from hearing Sanji. “What?” he asked.

 

“We’ve almost done it twice in one day,” Sanji said. He sounded far to casual for Zoro. “In both those situations we knew better than to do it, but its clear we wanted it.”

 

He blushed. “You actually…”

 

“Just because I’m upset doesn’t mean I despise affection,” Sanji quickly replied. Zoro could feel Sanji’s head shift upward; he was now looking up at him. “I told you I know what to do.”

 

Zoro let go of Sanji’s hand to wipe at his hot cheeks. He heard Sanji chuckle.

 

“I know its not very romantic, certainly not what you were hoping for,” the young man continued, “but you should know that’s usually how it is for someone’s first time.”

 

“Shit,” Zoro growled. “I thought you said you needed more time.”

 

“I need time to think,” he answered. “And, if you’re still willing, to figure things out between us. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have sex with me. And I don’t know if I will figure things out for a while, so its better to break the ice now and see where this might take us.”

 

Zoro would have tried to think up some reply to this, but as he turned his head to face Sanji he was welcomed with two lips, still chapped, but far warmer than he remembered them, pressing against his own. As soon as he felt them he grabbed Sanji, possessively, pushing him closer to his own body. He ran his hand through Sanji’s soft hair; the other up the blonde’s shirt, feeling smooth, hot skin underneath, and taking pleasure in knowing his touch was causing it to shiver with excitement.

 

He pushed him and Sanji down back on the bed, with him lying on top of the blonde this time. Just as he had before he began to explore what bare skin he could manage out of Sanji without actually undressing him. Both hands had crawled up Sanji’s shirt, consequently pulling the shirt up, and began to rub against his bare skin. He stopped and stared down at Sanji’s exposed chest, his face and neck hot as he let his fingers rub and play with the man’s nipples. He watched Sanji utter a shivered sigh, his face turning pink from the contact.

 

“Take off your pants,” he said.

 

Zoro looked down at his clothes and immediately obeyed. He yanked off the first layer and tossed them aside, letting the cold air surround his bare skin. Sanji removed his already lifted shirt, rubbing his arms as soon as the cold air hit him. Zoro didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Take off mine,” Sanji demanded.

 

Zoro looked at Sanji’s jeans as though they were some sacred artifacts not made to be touched by common hands. His fingers shook as he played with the button and zipper, finding it strangely difficult to remove the clothes. Finally, Sanji shifted his body upwards and pulled his clothes the rest of the way down, taking his boxer-briefs along with them. Zoro stumbled back, letting Sanji’s legs kick off the clothes, as he cursed himself for his nervousness.

 

“Ah, shit.”

 

“Don’t let it affect you too much,” he heard the blonde say. He watched clothes fly by them and fall to the ground. “If you do you wont be able to get it up right away.” Sanji produced a sarcastic laugh. “Unless you want me to have you first?”

 

Zoro looked down wide-eyed at the naked form lying underneath him. Sanji was pale and thin from neglect, but despite this, he retained a figure and a bit of muscle mass, and had a natural beauty that made Zoro actually consider whether it wouldn’t be so bad for Sanji to top him first. He couldn’t ignore the fact that Sanji needed to improve himself physically, but hopefully future help could fix that. With this thought now at ease Zoro let his wander down south and lock on the organ that caused him the most anxiety. He felt some relief in seeing that Sanji was partially erect, though it also caused him to fret over the fact that he wasn’t, once again asking himself if Sanji doing him may be a better choice, especially considering Sanji knew what to do, and Zoro hated having to ask.

 

Sanji lifted his arm up and pointed at Zoro’s shirt. “Off,” he said, lowering his arm until it hovered above his own body. Zoro looked down at his own boxer and felt himself grow all the more nervous. “That too.”

 

Zoro removed his shirt, and hesitantly peeled off his boxers. Sanji crawled over to Zoro, resting on his side and letting Zoro have another look at the man’s naked body.

 

“Hey.”

 

“What?” Zoro asked.

 

Sanji moved himself up and rested his front half against Zoro’s. “What’s your knowledge on foreplay?”

 

Zoro could feel Sanji’s penis rub against his lower abdomen. He shivered. “Mostly based on what I’ve watched.”

 

“Do you like it?” Sanji asked.

 

“Is that a serious question?”

 

“Some people like to dive right in,” Sanji answered. “So I take it you want to try some out?”

 

“Well, y-yeah,” Zoro said.

 

Sanji curled his arm around Zoro’s shoulder while his other hand grabbed Zoro’s, pulling it in between their bodies and guiding it right to his penis.

 

“Grab it,” he whispered into Zoro’s ear. “And yours.” Zoro carefully wrapped his hand around his manhood, bringing it up and leveling it with Sanji’s own. He felt lucky that he didn’t have to look the blonde in the eye, the lack of pressure made it easier for him to perform this new alien task. He carefully grabbed Sanji’s erection, his entire being swelling with excitement as soon as he felt it, and pressed it against his own. He didn’t need directions to figure out what to do from that point. He made sure he had a firm enough grip not to lose either and began to slowly move his hand up and down them. He felt Sanji wrap his other arm around him, bringing his hips in closer and giving Zoro more of his now erect penis with touch and stroke. Zoro sighed as he continued to work himself and Sanji, his body beginning to shake once he felt Sanji begin to kiss and suck on his neck.

 

Zoro jumped as Sanji began to nip at his neck, the feeling not quite painful, but far too strong for him to handle. He slipped his hand up to the head and felt a small, warm wave of pleasure run through and build in his erection. Something warm and wet ran down his hand.

 

“Fuck,” he muttered.

 

“Right, lets move along,” Sanji said, letting go of Zoro and looking down at his own reddened cock. Zoro watched with increasing arousal as Sanji’s fingers rubbed against the tip, watching as moisture collected at the top of the head.

 

“Do you have any kind of lube?” Sanji asked.

 

“Wait, we’re going to do that already?” Zoro asked.

 

Sanji shrugged. “Now would be a pretty good time to. What else do you want?”

 

“I just thought you’d want to get a blow–”

 

“–have you practiced giving one before?” Sanji asked. “Because, trust me, you don’t want to give me one unless you have an idea of what’s going to happen.”

 

“You make it sound like something bad might happen,” Zoro asked.

 

“Chocking and bruising can be an issue,” Sanji said with a smirk. “I think giving good head is something that should be saved for another day. One where we have more time.”

 

As embarrassing and horrifying as this sounded to him, Zoro couldn’t help but feel hopeful over the prospect of Sanji bringing up them being together in the future.

 

“Lube?” Sanji asked again.

 

“Not really,” Zoro answered. He paused and thought about everything he had seen and read about regarding sex. “What about water?”

 

Sanji frowned. “Water is a terrible lube. It causes the worst slipping and dries up at the worst possible moments.”

 

“How about spit?”

 

Sanji groaned. “You’re kidding me, right?”

 

“What’s wrong with spit?” Zoro asked, mildly offended by Sanji’s reaction.

 

“Spit is water that dries even faster,” Sanji said. “This isn’t a porno, Zoro, it’s fucking anal sex. We’ll need something that lasts longer.” He sighed. “What about the kitchen?” he asked.

 

“What’s in the kitchen?” Zoro asked.

 

“Olive oil, grapeseed oil, even coconut oil would work,” Sanji answered. “A little goes a very long way. Check and see if there’s some in the kitchen.”

 

Zoro rushed out of the room and grabbed the bottle containing dark green oil that was held within the kitchen cupboard. He quickly glanced at the cover, feeling somewhat enlightened by the knowledge imparted on him and rushed back into the bedroom, eager to get on with the rest of the deed.

 

“How’s this?” he handed the bottle to Sanji. The blonde picked up the bottle and stared at the label, his eyes going wide and a smile growing on his face.

 

“Wow,” Sanji said. “This is a really nice brand.” He handed the bottle back to Zoro. “We can’t possibly use this. Find something cheaper.”

 

Zoro took the bottle and leered angrily at Sanji. He then titled the bottle and let some of the oil run out, spilling on the floor.

 

Sanji paled. “We’ll use it! Calm down. Stop wasting the oil!”

 

Of all the times for Sanji to start caring about food again. Zoro moved on top of the bed, placing the bottle on the side before pausing and rethinking; Sanji cared about food again. He cared about a stupid, expensive bottle of olive oil. A while ago he freaked out about sandwiches.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Huh?” Zoro asked.

 

“Are you doing this?” Sanji asked. He say that the blonde was ling on the bed again, his front completely exposed.

 

Zoro blushed. “I guess.”

 

“You need to be more confident,” Sanji said. “Relax.”

 

Zoro crawled up closer, Sanji readjusting his position to allow Zoro to fit between his legs. Zoro felt his body stiffen up as he felt those thin, frail legs wrap around him.

 

“Get a _small_ amount of oil,” Sanji said, making sure to enunciate the exact amount that was to be used.

 

Zoro grabbed the bottle and let a bit dribble into his hand. He quickly realized why Sanji recommend the food product as a possible lube. The oil spread across his hand and made produced a thick, slippery coating.

 

He stared at Sanji.

 

The blonde chuckled. “Do you want my permission?”

 

“What, no!” Zoro said with a blush. He grabbed Sanji’s leg and positioned it to better expose his entrance. He pressed his fingers against Sanji, rubbing them around the area and spreading the oil. Without asking Zoro continued to massage the area, Sanji’s breathing a sign that he must have been doing a pretty good job. He pushed his fingers against the puckered entrance, surprised when his fingers sank into the small, tight hole, and continued to slip in further.

 

Sanji moaned through his nose. He wrapped his arm around Zoro and pulled him close to his face. Mesmerized, Zoro stared into Sanji’s hungry expression as he moved his fingers around, trying to spread the lubrication as he went further inside. Sanji was hot. He was tight. He felt amazing despite not having actually penetrated him yet. He attempted a scissoring motion, but found it harder to try in real life. 

 

“Point your fingers upward and rub there,” Sanji said with a sigh. Zoro stopped and did what he was told, feeling Sanji twitch around him as soon as his fingers pressed against the roof. He pressed again and watched Sanji’s legs buckle around him, Sanji closing his eyes tight as soon as the contact was made. It was perhaps the most remarkable thing he had seen all day.

 

“What does it feel like?” Zoro asked, partly out of arousal, partly out of curiosity from never having stimulated himself in such a way.

 

“Hot lighting,” Sanji answered. “And then it turns into bloody lava.”

 

“That doesn’t sound very pleasant,” Zoro remarked.

 

“I’ll finger fuck you and we’ll see who has the better description, mosshead.”

 

“Mosshead, I remember now,” Zoro said. “And I called you curly-brow!”

 

“Ugh, just fuck me already,” Sanji groaned.

 

He didn’t have to be asked twice. Zoro grabbed the bottle and poured some more oil on his hand, more then before, and coated his aching erection with it. It felt strangely pleasing.

 

“Are you ready?” Zoro asked.

 

“Go ahead,” Sanji answered. Zoro positioned himself right above the entrance, pulling Sanji’s legs up to make sure entering would be as comfortable as possible. Remembering the effect the oil had on his fingers, Zoro pressed against Sanji with less force, feeling himself slip inside with more ease.

 

He heard Sanji hiss though his teeth, his eyes closing shut, as he pressed further inside the blonde, making it all the way down to the hilt. Sanji had felt amazing before, but there were few words that could describe how he felt right now as the blonde completely engulfed him.

 

“Start slow,” Sanji whimpered.

 

“Does it really hurt?” Zoro asked.

 

“It’s been a while since I’ve done this,” the blonde reinstated. “Just remember what I said about aiming upward. I’ll forget the pain quickly.”

 

Zoro wasn’t sure what to make of the later part, but he took Sanji’s advice and decided to start slow on the blonde. He pulled himself about halfway out before pushing back in. He chose a slow, but pleasing rhythm, keeping his thrust somewhat short, but making sure he would often hit Sanji in that sensitive spot.

 

Zoro started to kiss Sanji again, dipping his lips above Sanji’s and bringing the two together for several seconds before a built up of pleasure pulled him away. He felt Sanji’s arms wrapped tightly around him, moist with heat and sweat, his voice shaking with every thrust he made.

 

He quickened his pace, but kept himself from pulling out too far. He didn’t want to cause too much pain. Not right now.

 

Sanji’s moans had grown louder, not ecstasy loud, but enough to bring Zoro much closer to the edge. Knowing he wouldn’t last much longer, he grabbed Sanji’s hips and lifted them slightly so that he could rub against the man’s prostate. The result was more than just satisfying. Sanji buried himself into the corner of Zoro’s shoulder and neck, arching his back and whining with every thrust.

 

He felt Sanji’s muscles spasm around him, tension rapidly building and easing as Sanji silently climaxed, some cum managing to his chest before cooling into a tortuous chill. Sanji held on to him with the same powerful grasp until he finally felt a powerful, pleasuring heat run down his body and pool into his groin, his body trembling in orgasmic delight, and his being sinking back into the bed, resting on top of the equally exhausted blonde.

 

There was a silence that produced a feeling that Zoro could not describe. It was not the usual silence he was acquainted with, as there was a lot of heavy breathing and movements to free himself from the sore blonde, even more sounds from trying to find his boxers, the sound of the bed still finding ways to creak, his heart still beating loud enough to make his head ache.

 

They were both tired. Sanji was still lacking in restful sleeps. So they rested. There was no cuddling, hardly any talking, each required a certain amount of space in order to be comfortable enough to actually fall asleep. But during this time something irked Zoro. It built up shortly after the sex, and continued to build afterwards. It stung him. It made him sick.

 

It was shame.

 

Zoro stared at the sleeping form next to him, Sanji’s back. His spine protruded a bit from being in a more curled position. If he paid close enough attention he could see the ribs expand and retract from breathing. There was still some collected moisture from the previous act, and seeing the skin glisten with sexual aftermath only made the feeling in Zoro grow and ache all the more.

 

He shouldn’t have had sex with Sanji.

 

Being that Sanji had chosen to sleep by the wall, Zoro was given the freedom to leave the bed as he pleased without bringing too much attention to himself. He knew Sanji still suffered from those nightmares, so him waking up was the last thing he wished to do.

 

Especially now.

 

Zoro reached out and plucked his jacket from the floor, dragging it up the bed. From the pockets he picked out his phone and turned it on to the menu screen.

 

Sanji was getting better. Maybe Sanji could really be fixed. However, Zoro knew now it couldn’t be him.

 

His confession had said it all. He cared enough about Sanji to doubt his own actions. He had called Luffy twice now. This was proof that he was not suited for the job. He would have to make a third call.

 

It was strange thinking about how things came together. His doubts lead him to find Sanji at the bridge. The same feelings brought Sanji ruin and lead to the discovery of his secrets. The confession brought him closer to the blonde.

 

This confession would probably tear them apart.

 

Sanji was getting better, but not by much. Today he saw him relapse. Less than an hour ago he showed signs of improvement. But unless someone who knew what they were doing worked with him, he and blonde would continue this estranged relationship in circles. Sanji couldn’t get better with him.

 

Zoro looked over Sanji, making sure he was really asleep. He checked his phone to make sure it was on silent.

 

First he texted Luffy and Usopp. He left them a quick message letting them know he was with Sanji. He left them an address. He told them about the bridge and the dreams and about giving up. He told them not to call him because Sanji begged him not to. He didn’t say anything else.

 

He texted Robin. He let her know that something was going to happen at her house today. Some people would be coming over. Friends? Unlikely. More like police. He asked her what do to. He asked her to please send something back soon. He needed her now.

 

Zoro placed the phone back in his pocket before placing it back on the floor. He covered himself up and closed his eyes, trying to forget the phone and focus on the next few hours.

 

Sanji would get the time he needed to think. Whether this would be at his family’s home, a psychiatrist’s office, or a hospital, wasn’t up for him to decide now.

 

But it couldn’t be with him.


	17. Seconds

Sanji opened his eyes. His body ached, as was expected from such activities, but for the most part he felt refreshed from a much-needed rest. His arms were wrapped cozily around his chest, his legs curled close to retain the heat his body had produced. His mind felt light, surrounded by something feathery and ticklish.

He blinked a few times and tested the occupancy of the bed by rolling to his side, a little surprised to see that Zoro was no longer in the bed. He guessed that the young man wouldn’t have wanted to disturb him anyways. Him falling asleep and staying asleep was probably a godsend to the poor fellow. Still, Sanji was a little irked to wake up to an empty bed. Even in his unusually anti-social state he still liked being awakened to the warmth of the bedfellow he previously had sex with.

Sex. The word rang an odd sound in his ears. It had been too long since he had done anything sexual, with himself or with someone else, and though it had been satisfying, when Sanji had gotten the time to actually think about it, there was this strange feeling that held in his lower abdomen. He knew what it was. Regret. He wished he hadn’t done that. Even though he was upset Zoro wasn’t in bed with him, Sanji knew full well once he had gotten over that honeymoon sensation of sleep after sex, he probably would have found a way to get angry all over again.

Sanji sighed, closing his eyes and flopping his self back into the bed. He covered himself with the sheets, up to the forehead, engulfed himself into the warmth, allowing himself time to think about the past few hours, opening his eyes once a sudden realization had hit him.

Why…did he sleep so soundly?

There had been nothing. Sanji rested on his back, letting his eyes look up at the ceiling as he did his best to recall some imagery that he might have produced while asleep, but couldn’t think of a thing. Either he had awoken too fast for his mind to remember, or he simply did not dream at all.

Sanji grabbed the top cover and brought it close to his lips as he tried to reason with himself the possible meanings behind this. He let the fabric rub against his not too chapped lips, massaging them with the same welcoming warmth, trying to think up a proper explanation.

Sex. It made so little sense to him, but after some thought Sanji couldn’t think of anything he had done differently from all the other times. Sex. That thing that he wished he hadn’t done. It was a temporary cure. Sex. Once again, belittle himself and allowing his being to fall prey to submissiveness had saved him from a night of mental agony.

Sanji, no longer feeling comfortable in the bed, got out and began collecting his clothes, wondering whether he ought to laugh or cry over this very obvious revelation. He knew this wasn’t the first time the act had protected him from those night terrors, but the shock of it had lingered for so long, only to finally hit him now, years later, while he was at his most frail. He thought for a moment about it, put on his shirt, and uttered a sarcastic chuckle at himself.

Sanji looked around the room for his socks, all the while asking himself about the sex, not because of the aftereffect of it, more so his actual feelings about it. He knew why he regretted. Because he had to. But if he hadn’t been so fucked up in the head, if he hadn’t given up on the prospects of a normal livelihood, if he was normal…what would have his opinions been then?

It was…painfully awkward deflowering sex. Zoro did a relatively good job, all things considered, but it was hard to look past the fact that he had to tell the man what to do, and that Zoro had flattered here and there, stuttered a few words, resisted certain touches… Sanji smiled, for real, thinking about how hilarious this would all appear, once the greenhead had gained some more experience. From whom, perhaps him, or maybe another lucky fellow, but once he had a few more goes it would all become so natural and lovely.

From another man? From him? Sanji put on his shoes, given up on the hopes of finding the lost sock, and then made his way out of the room, to the living room where he hoped Zoro would be resting.

He found no one, but on the kitchen table there was a note for him. Sanji picked up the single sheet and read the note. The man had gone out to get some food. How long ago was this, Sanji thought, and how long had he been asleep? The blonde walked back into the living room, resting uncomfortably on the couch as he eyes the curtains covering the outside. He fidgeted for a few seconds before hoisting himself back up and pulling the curtains apart and looking outside, only to see that Zoro’s car was still parked.

He stared at the parked car for several seconds. The thought that Zoro might have walked to get food didn’t enter his mind for some time until he heard the sounds of a door opening, Zoro’s voice calling for him. Sanji turned around, realizing the sound was coming from behind, on the other side of the house.

“Zoro?” Sanji called.

“Yeah. Hey, where are you?” Zoro echoed back.

Sanji looked nervously around the room and proceeded to head back into the young man’s room, both eager and riled up.

“I’m…coming back,” Sanji replied. He entered the room and stared at Zoro who was sitting on his bed, a bag of fast food at hand. Sanji couldn’t help but make sneer at the spots of the bag, a sign that whatever he was going to eat was not going to be healthy.

“Yeah, I thought I’d try to cook something,” Zoro started, “but you were asleep, and I didn’t want to take you…plus I’m not the best cook.”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

Zoro smiled. “So, are you going to eat?”

“Do I have a choice?” Sanji asked.

“Right…good point,” Zoro said. He placed the bag down on the bed and pulled out a fry, stuffed it into his mouth, and pulled out another, this time offering the thick, oily treat to Sanji.

“You’re lucky I’m hungry,” Sanji muttered as he snatched the fry from Zoro, staring at it with some regret before taking a bite out of it. The salt was welcoming, and before Sanji knew it his mouth was watering with desire for more.

Zoro pulled out a large wrapped object from the bag and gestured Sanji over to the bed. He stared disdainfully at the objects being pulled from the bad, but made no remark. He chose to sit on the floor, resting his back against the bed, allowing him better comfort since it would mean he didn’t have to look directly at Zoro. He saw a shape enter his side view. He took it and unwrapped the meal. He stared at it. He was hungry. He took a bite out of the burger. It didn’t taste bad.

“Thanks,” he muttered once he finished his first bite.

“No problem,” he heard Zoro say.

Sanji tried to think of some sort of conversation starter. Zoro was content with gorging himself, and though this made thins a lot less awkward, there was this need for Sanji to ruin it with questions. Sanji was confident in his abilities, but he wished for some sort of remark from Zoro to assure him that everything was fine. He regretted the sex, btu he still wanted to hear that it was good.

“Wow, you really are hungry.”

Sanji looked down at his half eaten burger, oozing juices and sauce from his tight grip, cheese and tomato trying to push itself outward from his nervous grip on it.

“Want some fries with that?” he heard Zoro say. Sanji chose to ignore the sensations growing inside and turned his head, staring at Zoro’s legs and riding upwards until he reached the man’s face.

Zoro looked nice. Not bothered, anxious, or overly excited, and he certainly didn’t appear like he had just finished experiencing the most tiring day of his life.

“Y-yes,” Sanji answered. He could feel his chest burn. He took the fries, careful to not touch Zoro’s hand, and quickly looked back down to his meal his face burning up from a mixture of different feelings, each one making him all too aware of his act, his promise to Zoro, Zoro’s promise to him.

He regretted it all, but he was just as thankful.

 

* * *

 

Zoro had asked him how he would like to spend the rest of his free time. Without looking at the phone or clocks, Sanji chose to make the living room his, allowing himself the privacy to think about what he was going to do with himself once he had to go back home.

How long had it been? Sanji looked over at the curtains that he had adjusted some time ago and could see that it was dark. The winter weather made it hard for him to determine a proper time. He wanted to know the time.

Sanji had hoped things would make more sense once he had a moment to himself, but instead found it more confusing. To say he didn’t know what he would do once he went back home was a terrible understatement. Everyone would know what he tried to do. There was no going back from that sort of thing. No matter what he would do, he would always be remembered for trying to remove himself from the world, and there would be friends and family that could never forgive him for that.

Strange. Sanji knew these very things would have happened if he had succeeded. It had never bothered him before. Being alive and bearing with that sort of responsibility…that was something he didn’t want to have to endure.

“How are you feeling?”

Sanji covered his face with an arm, feeling his legs stretch out on the couch as he felt Zoro’s voice run through his body with the same feeling an alarm would bring. “Like shit,” he muttered. He lifted his arm up and looked at the man who stood at the beginning of the hallway, looking down at him with a most surreal expression. “When is Robin coming back?”

“I think she’s working late tonight.”

Sanji stared into Zoro’s dark eyes as best as he could. “How lucky,” he answered. “I wont have to worry about her…”

“Do you know what you’re going to say to them?” Zoro asked.

Sanji frowned. “I’m thinking.”

“I know…but they’re all probably very worried about you right now,” Zoro replied. “And it would be wrong for me to not ask.”

Sanji turned and rested on his stomach, grabbing a pillow and pushing it against his head. He looked over and Zoro and sighed, trying to resist being the weaker of the two and ask about how he felt. Without having said a word he watched Zoro suddenly approach him, getting so close that all he could see was the small gap between the man’s legs. Zoro knelt down and stared at him, his eyes now finally filled with something more emotional, something Sanji had wished he had seen for quite some time now.

“I’m worried,” Zoro said.

“Don’t be,” Sanji said into the pillow.

“You’re running out of time,” Zoro said.

Sanji looked away. “You have no idea how long I’ve wondered. I’m out of time. I really do believe I’m on borrowed time.”

He felt Zoro rest a hand on his shoulder, giving it a soft rub. “You make your own time.”

Sanji groaned into the pillow.

“You really need to ask yourself if this is the worst thing to happen,” Zoro said. “Sanji? You need to ask yourself whether you really want to end your life…now, with everyone so worried.”

“Please stop making this about everyone else,” Sanji asked.

“It’s not just you who was affected.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Sanji asked, glaring at the younger man.

Zoro sighed. “We can’t keep doing this.”

“What?”

“Going in circles,” he answered. “We don’t have time for this. Sanji.”

Sanji felt Zoro’s hand rub his hand against his clothing. Warmth sank through and tickled his flesh.

“I’m not trying to argue with you,” Sanji suddenly said. He looked up, his face red from having his face in the pillow.

“I know,” Zoro answered back. Sanji could see the growing concern on the young man’s face. Once again his mind wandered back to a few hours before, letting his face burn from the memory of the two of them. It went back a few more hours, to a scene where he had to beg Zoro to stay away from him. Then back to the bed. Then to now.

“I’m sorry,” Sanji muttered.

“It’s alright.”

“Not about this,” Sanji quickly added. “About the sex.”

He watched Zoro’s face twist into a worried blush. The young man was not expecting an apology for that occasion, and suddenly hearing this made him grow more visibly worried. Sanji himself felt the guilt inside his rise to his throat as he felt every touch from their previous liaison play in the back in his mind, going further back in time till he reached that ugly moment where he decided to play with Zoro’s feelings, knowing full well the man could not refuse him. Yes, he had to admit his feelings for the man were real, to an extent, and his choice to continue to play the marimo was based on the fact that he had to agree to Zoro’s terms, but no matter how he looked at it, Sanji was in the wrong for doing that.

“Oh,” Zoro said, looking away. Clearly Zoro was thinking along the same lines.

“I must have hurt you,” Sanji said.

“Well…”

“You really like me,” Sanji muttered.

Zoro looked down and gave a nod. His hand was pulled closer to his body. Sanji missed the contact.

“Do you regret it?”

Sanji looked back into the pillow. “I’m not sure. I think I do.” He dared not look into Zoro’s direction, knowing that the remark probably hurt the man.

“Huh…”

“I still meant what I said though,” Sanji hurriedly added, sitting up and keeping his eyes away fro Zoro’s figure. He held on to his pillow and felt his face burn. “I do really care about you. I just don’t know what to make of it now…”

“You just need more time,” Zoro said. He sounded bitter.

“Yes,” Sanji answered. He wished he had the courage to say more, but their was little understanding in how he felt in regards to Zoro. What could he say to him? He didn’t want to have sex, but the thought of Zoro having sex with another person made him feel nauseous. He hated tricking Zoro into having sex to buy him more time, but at the same time enjoyed the physical reactions to it. None of it sounded right, and Sanji wasn’t sure how the already hurt man would feel after hearing the rest of it.

“Sanji?”

Sanji turned and looked at Zoro. “Yes?”

“You don’t have much time left.”

There was something in the way it was said that made Sanji shiver. Zoro’s grim expression made him feel weaker than before. His cruel tone made Sanji regret having said a word.

 

* * *

 

Thirty minutes passed and Zoro was in the room again. Perhaps it was out of kindness that Zoro decided to rest himself right next to Sanji, his hand gliding close to the blonde’s bare feet before hesitating and finally touching the cold toes. Sanji felt the sudden contact but chose not to react in surprise. Rather than hope that Zoro had forgiven him, and wanting Zoro to scold him for having stared out a window, watching cars try not to drive too fast through the freezing streets, instead of thinking about what he’d do with himself once he was found out.

The street glistened with moisture from a day’s long heat. It had been a nice day. Sanji thought this over and mourned over his decision to never have left a building during the entire day, other than to run away. He wished he could have spent some time enjoying the warmth. The sun. Anything.

“You slept well?”

“Yes,” Sanji answered without looking away from the orangey view.

“Any dreams?” he heard Zoro ask.

Sanji wondered if he had dreamt something up. He had felt so well rested when he woke up that he couldn’t help but think that something might have aided him. A wonderful, warm memory created by his subconscious; the rare dream. He hadn’t had a nice dream in such a while. Everything was an attack against him or some cryptic message that made him feel miserable upon awaking up.

“I slept soundly,” he answered.

“No dream?”

“No,” Sanji answered.

What if he had dreamed? What if he woke up too fast? Sanji looked out the window again and watched the air gray with falling snow.

“So, no dream then?” Zoro remarked. Sanji nod his head, still looking outside, and cupped his hands as he tried to imagine how cold it was and keeping his mind off Zoro and whatever the green head might say.

“It was nice,” Sanji said.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t happen often,” Zoro said.

“Zoro?”

“Yeah?” he heard the man say right behind him. His voice was so close. He could feel the warmth from the other man’s presence.

“When I woke up, and you weren’t there,” Sanji started, still looking out and staring at an individual snowflake. He brought his fingers closer to his face, letting them cover his mouth as he felt his throat tighten. “You should have just woke me up and let me know you were leaving.”

Sanji could hear Zoro move behind him. He felt closer. Zoro’s hand was grasping on to his lower leg.

“I didn’t know. I thought I’d let you rest. I thought you needed it,” Zoro said. He voice was terribly close and it sounded upset.

“Don’t do it next time,” Sanji muttered, still looking out.

“Next time…” The voice was a whisper that echoed in Sanji’s mind. He could feel Zoro resting next to him now, his hands no longer holding on to him, but mere inches away while the rest of the man tried to figure him out. Sanji blinked a few times, trying to remember everything he had told Zoro right when they had fucked, but now everything was becoming an emotional blur. He couldn’t feel tears or the urge to cry, but sadness and confusion still engulfed him. What was he trying to say to Zoro?

“I wish I had the time to give you the reactions you really want from me,” Sanji said.

“Its alright, really.”

“I hurt you.”

“Please, Sanji. I’ll be alright,” Zoro said.

“I wish we might have met earlier, then maybe…”

He felt Zoro grab his shoulder, his heavy body resting against his, but Sanji still looked out the window, saving himself from making eye contact. He felt Zoro’s arms wrap around his thinner frame, his head resting against his, his breath exhaling across his neck. Sanji felt his heart race, then slow, speed up again, then nearly come to a stop.

“I wish I could have met you a long time ago,” Zoro muttered. “We might have been able to fix each other. “

Sanji turned his head. It wasn’t enough for him to see the younger man’s face, but his movement was enough for Zoro to continue.

“Losing a close friend…not to suicide, but an accident…it hurt me so much,” Zoro said, holding tightly on to Sanji. “I was depressed, not to the extent you are now, but it took me a while for me to let go.” Sanji felt Zoro’s lips rest against the back of his neck.

“You think we might have been able to help each other then? Why not now?” Sanji asked.

“It’s too late now.”

Sanji frowned.

“You said it yourself, you’re out of time,” Zoro added.

Sanji lowered his head, feeling somewhat ashamed of hearing hid own remark being used against him. Zoro was lucky it was him who said it.

He felt himself relax in Zoro’s arms, letting the larger man hold and rest on him while he stared out at the murky sky, trying his best to make out the falling snow in the darkening scenery. The streets glistened from what little light was being produced by the nearly gone sun. From a distance sirens could be heard. Sanji did his best to manipulate his arm so that he could give Zoro a pet on the head. If he could have he would have kissed him. No, Sanji might have kissed him. He still wasn’t too sure. Perhaps he wouldn’t have done it at all since he was so content with the two of them as they were.

Sanji coughed. “It’s not too late.”

He felt Zoro raise his head up. Sanji was sure the sounds were getting closer. He briefly wondered if something had happened a few blocks away. He felt the arms around him grow stiff, then loosen, then tightly embrace his body.

“Zoro?”

“Sanji,” he heard Zoro say with some hesitance, “I love you.”

“I know,” Sanji answered, feeling his face prickle as Zoro rested his lips against his neck again.

“I love you so much,” he heard him say again. His voice was shaking.

Sanji tried to turn around, but Zoro wouldn’t let him. He became nervous. He suddenly realized the sounds of sirens were still growing louder. His whole body tensed up. He held his breath and began to twist about in Zoro’s grasp, feeling the man squeeze him painfully while he struggled. He tried kicking his legs, blindly scratching whatever part of Zoro he could reach, before finally gasping, feeling his eyes water, his heart ache, fear filling ever bit of his being, and taking another breath. The room was spinning. It was blurring. Things were becoming clear. It was imaginary. It was too real.

He chocked on the air. He clamped his teeth together as he continued to look out the window, staring out through blurred vision.

“R-really,” he whimpered.

“I’m so sorry,” Zoro muttered into his ear.

He had never known betrayal, certainly not to this degree. His whole body went limp; a new, strange ache filled his chest. His mind hurt.

“Fuck…”

“I had to do it.”

The whole world. It was collapsing on him. All over again. He trusted Zoro. Why was this happening? Zoro had promised him. They did it. It was a bargain. It was something more, wasn’t it? Why would he do this to him?

“Who else did you tell?”

Zoro didn’t answer.

Sanji covered his face with his hands. He could feel them, cold, moist, and shaking, against his won face. His body felt strange. He wanted to run away. He wanted to curl up and cry. He wanted to kill Zoro. He wanted him to tell him everything was going to be ok.

But…

But he never said another word


	18. New Years

Zoro did his best to not count the days that went by since he had last seen Sanji. There was enough distraction around him to keep him from noticing every moment, second, minute, and so forth. He had to retake a course during the winter break. He would have to retake all his classes that he would have failed. He didn’t fail. The university knew. They all knew. He would retake his classes during the breaks and semester. So many different distractions. Somehow his mind seemed to find Sanji.

It had been forty-eight days.

Zoro walked into his temporary room, feeling Robin’s occasional glace through the walls. He let himself fall on his bed face down, his backpack falling out of his weakened grip. Forty-eight days. Almost two months and no one came to tell him what was going on. He never heard a thing from Luffy or Usopp. No one told him a thing. He couldn’t blame them for never calling him. He could hate them for denying him, but he completely understood their actions.

The apartment that Sanji had been sharing with Usopp was now empty. Zoro had gathered the courage to drive by the complex two weeks prior after waiting over a month for some news only to see some sign advertising a two bedroom was for rent. He remembered running out of his car and hurrying to the front doors, his panicking eyes shaking as they raced through the lists of names of the occupants, his stomach growing nauseated and full when he saw that Sanji and Usopp were no longer residents of the complex.

He remembered, three times already, passing by, stopping at, and knocking on Luffy’s door. He waited a few minutes, half an hour, an hour before giving up and facing traumatic defeat, turning around and slowly making his way back to his car, shivering in the cold. He stayed in his car and hoped Luffy would show up. He waited till his eyes were swollen with frustration and his fingers were burning into the leather interior of his steering wheel.

Zoro grabbed hold of his pillow and tried to think of something else. He tried to distract himself once again. But it was impossible.

What was the address to the restaurant that Sanji worked at?

Could he try to reach someone else?

Zoro reached into his jacket pocket and pulled his out his phone. He stared at the menu screen for a long time, his eyes going cloudy from dryness, before sighing and tossing it at the foot of the bed. He buried his face into the pillow.

He did his best not to think of it. There were constant reminders everywhere. He took a deep breath and felt cool air struggle to find its way into his lungs. He was sure he could still detect that faint scent that belonged to the blonde. He could still feel the hands that touched his body. He could remember holding on tight to that fragile body.

That body.

Zoro yanked himself away from the pillow, sitting himself back up and wiping his hot face till the cool air resituated himself to a more natural state. He sighed once more before pulling himself off from the bed, grabbing his backpack and pulling out his homework to be completed for his upcoming final.

That body that still is. Sanji still is.

He opened his chemistry book to the bookmarked section and did his best to pay attention to the review questions that he had remembered once struggling to understand. He knew what it all meant now. His second chance. Without fail. He may not travel abroad right away, but he’d still get there. Just not yet. There was still hope.

Sanji never died. He was saved. Just not the way he had hoped.

He pulled out his notebook. He opened it up to the last chapter he had worked on earlier this day. School every day. Several hours a day. Winter classes were no fun. But it was better than getting an F. At least he was given a second chance. Just like Sanji.

Thought like these made the pain in his chest ease. Knowing Sanji was getting the help he needed helped with the loneliness. It helped with the old memories. The old promises. It made a lot of things better. It made Zoro bear with the fact that he might not see Sanji for a long, long time. It made it almost seem worth it.

But. The. Betrayal.

* * *

 

A new semester.

Several days passed.

Zoro walked into the kinesiology department with a somewhat concerned look on his face. He was still thinking of a potential major but had begun to narrow it down. With the passing of his Chemistry course a new passion had begun to arise from within. Though it would require several more science courses. Zoro still wasn’t sure what to make of it. He was beginning to wonder if a university was something he needed in order to make something more of himself. He passed his classes but felt more lost. He had ideas but needed more direction. Was there something in the kinesiology department for him?

He was taking more general education courses. The fourth course was a biology class, another science requirement, but if he did choose kinesiology it would double for the major. That was something good, right?

How many days was it again, he wondered. He passed through the long hallways, bumping into a few bodies without forgiveness, his mind jumping from one topic to the next but sticking and counting the exact amount of days since he had last seen Sanji.

The number turned out to be nine. Zoro almost didn’t believe that so much time could just pass by without giving him a warning. How could he have nearly forgotten the days that crept by while he studied winter finals, applied to spring courses, and attended the weekly therapy? He thought of nature as almost being selfish, doing whatever it could to separate him from the truth, from finding Sanji and desperately trying to reach out to him.

He stopped in front of the office. He made a few mental notes. He would try again to contact Luffy. He would try again to visit the house.

“Can I help you?”

How could he have helped him otherwise?

Zoro looked to see a man staring at him from within the office. He was older but still young enough to let Zoro know this was a student worker. He was sitting at the front desk, staring back with a mildly confused expression. Leaning at the end of the desk was another man. Older, taller, and darker in appearance, his dazed expression let Zoro know that he wasn’t in danger of being caught in an embarrassing moment.

He took a few big steps, bringing himself into the office, letting his eyes rest on the dark, feathery top of the bored man. His wear was unusual, but it was better than trying to remain straight faced at the student secretary, whose bright orange jacket burned his retinas and made him frown.

“Uhm, I was wondering if I could have a look at your…major requirements for kinesiology?”

“Of course,” the man said. “Uhm, do you have a focus?”

“A what?” Zoro asked.

The desk produced a soft groan as the darkly dressed man pulled away.

“I’ll just bring out all the sheets for you to look at,” the man said. He briefly looked over at the taller man who sat himself down on one of the worn cushions against the wall. “You can have a look through and decide what you’d like to major in later,” he said.

“Right. Thanks.”

“By the way, are you a junior?”

“Ah, no,” Zoro answered. “It’s actually my first year.”

The man smiled, “Oh! You’re a freshman. Well, you should know that majoring in any science will be competitive. If you’ve taken any science courses and received anything lower than a C you might have to retake them before enrolling.”

Zoro could feel his feet go numb. He heard a phone go off from behind.

“Bepo.” The voice was cool, almost cold. Zoro kept his attention focused on the task at hand. He felt some frustration when the secretary looked over and answered back to the tall man, asking him what it was. “A call. I need to take it. I’ll be right back.”

The man left the room taking to take the call, leaving Zoro alone with the student worker.

“Also,” the man began, “we have tests for students every semester for enrolling in certain courses.”

It seemed like a lot of work. Life was work. Was this the sort of work he wouldn’t mind?

“Ok,” Zoro simply answered back.

The shorter man went through several files, staking one sheet on top of another in front of Zoro. After he was done he carefully organized them and handed them to Zoro. Zoro stared at the top sheet, staring but not really focusing on the long list of courses he would have to take. He stared at the list, wondering, thinking.

“I’m done.” He heard the cold voice say. He didn’t look up as the man reentered the room, his boots clicking against the flooring, and him situating back into the couch.

“Who was it?”

“Another high school acquaintance that wants to get reacquainted,” he answered with a groan.

“You’ve been gone for a while, and you’ll be leaving back for Germany in a few weeks.”

Zoro turned his head.

“He made it sound rather important…I told him I was busy.” He placed his phone away ad smiled at the secretary. “It’s so rare for me to have time for myself.”

“You study abroad?” The words just escaped Zoro’s lips.

The man peered up at him. “I’m not a student of this university,” he replied coldly.

Zoro felt his legs pull away, his feet glued to the floor making the act impossible. He wanted to get away. He remained stoic in expression, letting his hand holding the sheets fall to the side as he hardened himself, making sure not to appear that the words had somehow affected him.

“Right,” he muttered, letting his eyes meet with the elder’s. He reminded himself that there were things to focus on. This man was not the right distraction. Zoro felt himself relax as he broke contact and walked out of the room, not saying another room.

Just as he looked down at the sheet he heard the secretary speak with a worried voice:

“Sometimes I worry about you, Law.”

* * *

 

The need to see Luffy had become frantic. With the invading presence of a potential evil, Zoro knew he had to take some kind of action and find out the location and current situation of Sanji. There was doubt that such a man would ever go and visit and discuss such a topic with Luffy, or even visit the boy in the first place, but jealousy and fear wouldn’t allow Zoro to think beyond logic. He knew he was becoming too emotional. Paranoid. Depressed.

Zoro parked his care and stomped over to the front door of Luffy’s house. He skipped his last class of the day. There were a few cars parked out front. No guarantee that Luffy would be home, but someone would be there and Zoro could wait forever if it meant getting some answers.

It was a surprisingly warm day. There was no snow on the dying front lawn, rather sunlight seemed to be breaking through the clouds and heating up the new year. The air was moist and thick and made Zoro’s lungs feel heavy. He knocked on the door.

He grabbed on to his hanging arm as he counted each second. He felt his hips begin to sway from nervousness. He wondered what he would do if no one answered again. How much longer could he wait before it was time to give up, move on? Maybe there was a point to Luffy and the others avoiding his presence. Zoro could not deny that he had done wrong by keeping his promise with Sanji a secret.

He felt his lips part as he mouthed the word: “promise.”

It was an attempted suicide. He didn’t want to believe that he had in fact tried to sugar coat the sick truth. He had kept an attempted suicide a secret. Not just once, but twice. Once, because he was stupid enough to believe he could help him. Twice, because he was greedy and wanted him for himself only. And now he had nothing. Zoro stared right at the unkempt front door, his mind pulling away as he heard a chain lock being undone from the other side. The words would not come to him. He stared blank faced at the surprised teen in front of him, watching in silence as several stages of death expressed itself on Luffy’s face. Denial. Anger. Bar-

“Zoro.”

“Yeah.” He was out of breath. He stared nervously at Luffy, almost waiting for the boy to close the door on him. Instead he watched Luffy move his hand away from the door, his arms now resting on top of his chest, he seemed to wait for Zoro to make his next move.

“Luffy, I really need to talk with you.”

“I know.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“Zoro, I’m not sure this really should be happening.”

Zoro frowned. “What? Why?” He took a large step closer to the door. Luffy stood where he was, looking nervous, almost frightened as he got closer to the boy. Cold wind blew in from behind.

Luffy drew in the bottom of his lip as he briefly looked down, his arms crossing tighter as he seemed to appear more unwilling.

“Now is just…”

“Just what?” Zoro asked. “Not a good time? When it will it ever be a good time?” His hand smacked the front of the house, causing Luffy to move back. Luffy’s now frightened expression almost causing Zoro take step away himself. He held in the urge to be considerate and went on, “you can’t keep these things away from me, Luffy. I have the right to know. I need to know.”

Luffy dropped both his arms. “I know,” he muttered, looking down.

“I need to know how he’s doing…”

Luffy shook his head. A hand lifted itself to his face and wiped at his nose. Zoro couldn’t see it, but somehow he knew. Luffy’s eyes were shut tight.

“I know. I know.” Luffy looked up and forced a straight face at Zoro, a sad attempt at trying to appear stronger. This time Zoro did take a step back.

“Luffy,” he said, voice now softer as he began to plead, “Please... what’s going on?”

The boy shook his head again. “Zoro…now isn’t a good time.”

“Luffy…”

“I’m sorry. It’s so difficult right now.”

“What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry I never responded to those calls. I was just so angry. Angry at you. At Sanji. At myself for never doing anything,” Luffy went. Zoro saw no tears, no read eyes, but could still feel the pain that the boy was enduring. “We were all so upset. None of us wanted to tell you anything. But now that he’s gone–”

Zoro grabbed Luffy, pulling him forward with animal strength. “Luffy! What’s wrong? What happened to Sanji?”

Luffy frowned. He looked absolutely devastated. Zoro could feel himself sinking, his mind racing again. It was happening. All over again.

“Please, don’t tell me he–”

“Sanji…” Luffy swallowed. He looked at Zoro. Thank goodness he did because Zoro knew whatever was said next would have left him weak at the legs, unable to stand in the cruel world that insisted in taking what he loved most away.

“Zoro, Sanji’s gone.”


	19. New Year's Eve

A hand held on to his finger. Sanji tried to lift his eyebrows but the heaviness brought on by an exhaustion he had never really perceived seemed to tug him from performing anything other than the short breath.

He could feel his body being lifted, something warm grabbing on to his inner being pulling him away from the physical world below. He felt his lips separate, hot, soothing air swimming through his lungs alerted him that this was all a dream. It was all too good, all too perfect. With a new sense of power, he opened his eyes, staring up at a light he was becoming more familiar with. This was not the first time this light had invaded his mind. For some reason he wondered if it would be the last. The thought made little sense.

His wrists tingled. More hands held on to him as he was tugged further away. The world–no, someone would not let him go.

Who was it?

Sanji closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed as he allowed arms to develop, a body, a well-sculpted frame, and hands now shaking as they gripped on to his wrist for dear life. With newfound fear Sanji opened his eyes and stared down at the fear filled eyes. Zoro’s eyes begging him not to go. Sanji had no strength to yell, but anger pulsed through his veins, pouring through his skin, his body seeming to gain weight and pull him back down to the earth below.

It was Zoro. Always Zoro.

He barely managed to form the words, “Why?”

“I’m so sorry.”

Those words echoed into his mind like a scream. Octaves moving higher up the scale banging the words into his brain till he could not take it anymore. Before he knew it Sanji was back in the living room, trapped like an animal, eyes wide with a pain that could not possibly be described, no words yet existing to properly piece together how he felt, when the door burst open and enemies in uniform came erupting in.

He had to do it, he said. He had to break the promise, bend the rules, and not keep his end of the bargain. Sanji recalled a sickness enter his brain, swirling round and round till he went numb in Zoro’s arms, the comforting feeling of being held almost making him forget the pain of the betrayal.

Almost.

Sanji stared into his hands as he heard the sirens ring in his ears. The door was still closed. Open. Closed. Zor was holding on to him tightly. They were in the living room. They were together in the bedroom. Clothes on. Clothes off.

The bed was collecting the moisture of their bodies clinging together in brief ecstasy. Sanji hadn’t felt this way in along time. There was something incredibly frightening about allowing another person to penetrate his being in such a rough, ignorant manner. After all, Zoro was losing his virginity. What did he know about making love?

Sanji held o for his life. With every breath he took was another attack by Zoro, a feeling of pleasure and pain running up his spin with every violent, virginal thrust. His exposed body was a fire that grew every time the head pressed against his inner walls; the tight bound of nerves relaying a wonder message in his mind that caused him to almost forget the situation he was in.

There were sounds of moans. Air escaped his lungs in no pattern, noise erupting from his throat when he felt a bolt of joy run up and down his spine. The sounds of two, hot, wet body coming into collision with each other. Wasn’t a door going to burst?

He looked up and saw Zoro. He clung on to Zoro, let Zoro kiss him and hold on to him. He let the hands tickle and send shivers throughout his body as he let himself be violated by the younger man, feeling his manhood slide in and out, burning with a intense sensation, a hot coiled being twisted in his lower abdomen, his erection aching with preparation.

The door burst open and he struggled out of Zoro’s grasp. The clothes were on, so he could run away and not be caught. Expect he was. He was caught because he didn’t run. He let the arms retain him. He remained in the warm, biological prison until he was freed by his new captures. His eyes dropping, his jaw loosening, arms falling down. What else was there, he wondered, other than the mystery behind him giving up?

Sanji paused for a moment.

Somewhere, deep inside, he knew the answer to it all.

* * *

 

_There weren’t enough nicotine patches in the world to fix the tingle between his lips, the tickle at the tip of his tongue. Sanji could stare at the patchy white block pattern going down his arm forever and feel the back of his mind scratch at the walls as he was consistently reminded that there was something missing, something physical that helped make the nicotine more worthwhile._

_He was drunk without the alcohol. Sluggish and tired and feeling a drag in between his arms and legs as he looked around his small room, the hours slowly crawling around and behind him as he waited for someone to come through his door, anyone who wasn’t a doctor to physical manifest themselves in his presence in hopes of not feeling alone for just a few seconds. When was the last time he had real visitors? How long ago was it when he heard someone speak to him in a manner that wasn’t so distant, so cold and uncaring?_

_Over and over the words psychotic depression rang in his ears, hissing at him and threatening him with the prospects of at least a year of heavy evaluation. They were wrong, he assured himself, though the longer he stayed in the room the more he began to doubt himself. Those dreams, the nightmares, the nigh terrors, were all so unnatural. There had to be a real reason behind it. Maybe he was under some form of psychosis. Sanji thought, at the tenth hour, maybe they were right._

_“You’re considered a low risk,” the kind voice of a nurse said to him some time between now and then._

_“You’ll be able to take visitors other than immediate family soon.” Another voice, female, added. There was a smile. He smiled back._

_Perhaps things weren’t so bad. Maybe he needed the time to reevaluate his condition. How long had he been here? A few days? A week at most? As long as he did what he was told, listened to the kind voices providing him soothing sounds of advice, maybe he would be all right._

_“It’s not really a year being stuck at the hospital,” the doctor noted, flipping through the growing file on his desk. Sanji sat on the other side, the seat next to him empty and cold. His fingers feeling cold. He remembered he once was a cook and felt energy burst through his ligaments, an urge to provide and create new delicacies._

_“_ What is it then? _” he asked._

_“Evaluation. From friends, family. Like watching a child who hurt his head. You don’t leave the child alone now, do you? You keep an eye on him and make sure he’s alright. That’s what we want to do.”_

_Clearly he was the child mean to be watched. Sanji looked around the office. He noted the vague decoration, the small distractions that could tell him nothing about the man he was talking to._

_“_ How much longer will I be hear then? _” he asked._

_“A few more weeks.” Sanji looked down. He felt nothing in those words. No promises. The doctor seemed to notice this. He continued, “We need to make sure the medication we have you on, the therapy…we need to know you’ll be fine.”_

“And then I can go back home? _”_

_“You’ll go back to your mother’s,” the doctor answered, placing the thicker file back on the desk. Was it always that thick? When did it get so big, Sanji wondered. He felt the calm, warm hands of the doctor rest on his shoulder. “Once you’re sent back home you’ll need to be watched over. To make sure you take your medication. That you don’t get too stressed.”_

_Of course Sanji wanted nothing more than to remark on this comment. He wanted to say something about trust. Something about respect. He knew the card was played over before. He wouldn’t be the first patient to remark the doctorial insecurity. He closed his eyes and remembered what the nurses had said. They made promises to him. Would they also be broken?_

_Perhaps what he needed was a change of subject. “_ When will my friends be able to come over?” _he asked._

_He could feel the doctor smile above him._

_“We have a list of your friends names. As long as you remain a minimal threat to yourself and others they should be able to visit you starting Monday.”_

_Sanji had no idea what day it was. He wished he could ask, but was confounded by the comment by the doctor that he was once considered a high threat to himself, to others._

_As if he had read his mind, the doctor answered, ”I don’t think you’d ever hurt anyone, Sanji. Especially not yourself. You were scared. You didn’t mean it. You know, most people who survive suicide attempts admit that they regretted their decision shortly after attempting.”_

_He wished he could have thanked the doctor, but something about that final remark made him feel that everything he had endured the past year meant absolutely nothing. Everything Zoro had tried to do, leading up to this very meeting with the man in white, was done for nothing._

_After all, was he just not scared?_

* * *

 

Grey.

Another dream. Sanji wondered why this was happening more often. Was it the result of the medication he was being fed every day? Was it all the therapy? Was he actually healing, so much so that everything that had been bothering him from before was finally pouring out of him, leaving nothing but an empty space in his min, a grey, lonely, space that could never be quite filled up the way it used to.

He looked down at the scarf that was curled around his shoulder, the warm winter coat that protected him from nothing in the grey space, the cozy boots that gave the soles of his feet the strength to feel brand new. Sanji wondered if this was his minds way of correcting past mistakes. You should have worn that coat.

He closed his eyes tight and thought up the images of his friends. Luffy, probably angry and disappointed, would be the first to see him, more than likely. He opened his eyes, hoping to see the physical form of his friend, dear Luffy whom he hadn’t seen in such a long time, right in front of him. But nothing stood in front of him, or anything around him. There was just the grey.

Nothing formed in the grey. His mind could create nothing right now. The medication, Sanji though as he fell into a squat, feeling a growing hatred for himself. It was the medications fault. The nightmares were too much, so instead they fed him chemicals that only made him dream half the time, nothing the other. The days were the dreams. The dreams were nothing, or sometimes they were something, but nothing he ever wanted. Nothing terrifying. He never did die anymore in his dreams, but he certainly wasn’t living.

He wasn’t going anywhere.

* * *

 

_“It’s so nice to see you’re doing well,” Nami said as she held on to Sanji’s hand. He watched her hazelnut brown eyes look deep into his own, her other hand slipping in close to encase the hand she already held. He winced when he felt a finger press against his wrist, causing him to pull away out of instinct. Her eyes went wide._

_“S-sorry,” he stammered. He lowered his arm, his bruised flesh exposed and causing the younger girl to go pale. He frowned._

_“No,” he quickly added. “You didn’t do that!”_

_She stared at him, “did you?”_

_“Oh, no!” Sanji answered. He tried to smile at her, to calm her down and assure him that things were not so bad, even though Monday had gone and went, and he was sure it was either Thursday or Friday, but only now did Nami and her sister finally come to visit him, and without anyone else it made Sanji once again wonder. “One of the meds I’m taking makes me bruise easier.”_

_“O-oh,” Nami said, still eyeing the bruise on his wrist. Sanji pulled the sleeve down, hiding it from her._

_“I’m thinking about complaining,” Sanji said._

_“You should,” she replied._

_“But I don’t want to come off as defiant, you know?” Sanji added. He watched her expression go from saddened to confused. He licked his bottom lip. “I mean…I don’t want to have to stay here any longer than what I have to.”_

_“Sanji,” Nami said. Her voice was warm. Calm. Loving. He remembered when they were both in high school. The two of them, together, having so much traveling around and exploring new places; reminding Sanji of a world he had almost forgotten. Nami had a knack for traveling great distances, decoding the most difficult of bus maps and schedules, taking them around the neighboring cities for long days of romance._

_“Yes?”_

_“Don’t be afraid to be yourself while you’re here.”_

_“I don’t want to be here, Nami,” Sanji answered back. “I need to do what I have to in order to get back home. Back to the way things were.”_

_“But then you wont be who you really are, and I want the old Sanji back,” he heard her say. He looked deep into her eyes and fought the growing frown. Was he really not the same man he once was? But doesn’t everyone change, he thought. Can things ever really go back to the way they were, before he was caught, before meeting Zoro, before the bridge?_

_“Nami?_

_“Yes?”_

_“Where is everyone?” He could feel the pain in the back of his throat._

_Nami sighed. “They couldn’t come.”_

_“Wouldn’t come.”_

_“Usopp is really hurting right now. Kaya and I thought it was the best if he waited till you were better.” Her hands moved across the table. He felt them touch his. Both of them. “You know he’s not as strong as some of us. I don’t think he could handle seeing you here, like this.”_

_The words, as painful as they were, rang true to him. Sanji knew it would be wrong to try to force his friends to visit him. He knew they were all hurting just as much as him, aching to know why they had failed in detecting his pain. Why on earth was it a stranger that called alerted the news? Why did it have to be Zoro?_

_“Yeah,” Sanji coughed. He felt his fingers wrap around hers, together he felt his and her strength produce warmth between the gaps. He looked to her, asking, “Luffy?”_

_She frowned, “he’s still very upset.”_

_“So he’s angry?”_

_“He said he’d visit you once he knew what to say,” she said in a promising voice. A promise. Could he really trust her?_

_“He’s better off just screaming at me right now,” Sanji said, “While I’m getting the treatment for depression.”_

_“Don’t be like that,” Nami said suddenly. Another squeeze of her hands made Sanji want to jump. This was nowhere near the bruise. No one would be coming. They had all the reason not to come, after everything he did against them. Thought Nami did her best not to show it Sanji knew there was a part of her that hated this, hated him for betraying her and never saying a damn thing._

_Everyone. How could he complain about Zoro when he was no better? Zoro betrayed him, but he was the one who made the first move by making no move at all. Nami was hurt. Luffy was gone. Usopp was broken. He was a horrible person._

_“Nami.”_

_“Are you going to be ok?”_

_Sanji nod his head, but he knew there was little holding him back from breaking down later and crying. He’d do once she left. He needed to be strong right now, for her. He needed Nami to believe she had done so well, and she did, but she needed that extra assurance. And he couldn’t get caught crying when so many people watching. He’d get pulled away. They’d put him through private therapy. They’d want to know exactly what was going on and they might have him stay even longer until they were sure it was just him, just Sanji, dealing with the consequences of his own action of betrayal._

_“What about Zoro?”_

_Nami pulled her hands away. The look of hurt on her own face, as if he had asked her something so terrible, made Sanji’s heart sink and almost stop beating._

_“Zoro can’t come,” Nami said. She sucked in some air and bit the end of her lip, almost breaking eye contact with Sanji. He could detect the nervousness of onlookers._

_“He’s not on the list, is he?”_

_Nami shook her head. He appreciated her honesty. “No,” she said._

* * *

 

Sanji woke up, eyes wide in terror as he nearly jumped out of his bed, his body raking and shaking from the remembrance of a faraway pain. He felt tears run down his eyes and held on to himself, looking around the small, dark room, trying his best to understand where he was.

Sanji cried out. There was a real pain. He didn’t know where it was. He looked down at his gown, squinting his eyes as he tried to make sense of the wet sensation that grew beneath him. He stared while reality began to hit him, the horrid pain letting him know this was no longer a dream. Yes, he told himself, this was all real. You really are in pain, he told himself as he shook in delirium.

The pain was in his arm. He raised it up, the same arm that Nami had touched several days prior, and could make out the darkened spots that seems to grow where the fabric cleaned his skin.

Blood, he was bleeding. How, he wondered, but it didn’t matter. Fear enveloped him as he suddenly realized he had soaked a portion of his bed and clothes in his own blood.

He cried out, “Nurse!”

No, he didn’t want to look like he might have done this to himself, but there was no other way. He was bleeding. He was scared. He needed someone, anyone. Where was everyone? Where was Zoro? Why did Zoro leave him here? _Why did he bleed_?

He raised his other arm and stared at his _fingers, dark at the tips from digging into his own flesh_. He must have had a bad dream. The medication failed this night. Not only had he dreamt, but it was a terror, and it had done harm against him.

_“Nurse…”_

_He knew what this meant. Sanji reached and checked his arm, trying to see how far the scratching, digging and slicing had gone. He was going to be seen as a threat to himself, he just knew it. Nobody would trust him._

_Footsteps. Rushing._

* * *

 

_“You’re not in trouble.”_

_The words were told to him through the whisper of a nurse. They were said again through the voice of a doctor, a psychiatrist, and so on._

_They went through his medications. They asked him again if he had any known allergies. Any bad reactions to prior medications? They changed a prescription. Lowered the dose of another._

“I’d like to see Zoro _,” Sanji muttered._

_The private therapy session was the only time Sanji figured he might be able to express his concern without having to worry about being censored. It had been two days since his mother visited. Nami visited him again, bringing Kaya along this time, four days ago. The two girls didn’t stay very long. Kaya broke down. They had to leave. It was all his fault. He did betray them._

_“Zoro? The boy who tried to help you from before?”_

_He heard the sounds of pen on paper. “_ Yes, _” Sanji answered. “_ I want to see him. _”_

_“Would you care to explain why?”_

“I miss him. _”_

_The therapist gave a nod. Sanji waited. “And do you miss your friends?” she asked him._

_“_ Of course. _”_

_“Do you want them to visit you?” she continued, looking at him all the while writing on the small notepad. He couldn’t help but notice. He hoped she was writing good things._

_“_ Yes _,” Sanji replied, “_ but I need to speak with Zoro _.”_

_“Might I ask why?”_

_“_ He brought me here _,” Sanji said._

_“No. He kept you away from the proper treatment,” the therapist corrected. “He thought he could help you by not calling authorities, but when he became overwhelmed he referred his... stress to your other friend. Your friend Luffy is the one who called. Your mother and practitioner had you placed here in our care.”_

_“_ I want to tell him how I feel, _” Sanji then added._

_“Is what you’re feeling not something you feel comfortable sharing with me or another member of this facility?” Such words, but she had a way with saying them in a caring manner. She was only doing her job. She wanted to make sure he was being absolutely honest about this. Even he was unsure himself._

_“_ I…I don’t know. _”_

_“Are you feeling anxious?”_

_He didn’t have to think too hard about it. He was feeling anxious. He felt little to no privacy in his repetitious routines. He knew he was constantly being looked after. They watched him fall asleep. Although his arms were not strapped to restraints, his arms were now covered and his hands trapped so that he couldn’t harm himself. They told him “just in case” but he knew they were somewhat suspicious of him. He had to keep the door to the toilet open._

_“_ Yes _.”_

_“Anything else?”_

_“_ Paranoia _.”_

_She wrote some more in that notepad of hers. Sanji wished the words coming out of his mouth were not so traitorous. He knew he was setting himself up for a longer stay. Last time they told him a few more weeks. They needed to see if the change in prescription would help him. His mother arrived to visit him, understand the news and mourning over the fact that she would not have him for a longer while. How many days was he adding on with each word he spoke, he wondered, thinking, pondering, and with each self-loathing breath._

_“What else are you feeling?”_

_“_ Pain. _”_

_She placed the notepad on the side. “What pain are you feeling?”_

_Sanji felt his eyes ache. “I_ hurt Zoro. _” She looked like she was about to grab the notepad, but as soon as Sanji felt tears run down his face from the confession he stopped herself, moving over to grab the box of tissues instead, offering him the chance to clean himself up instead of feeling probed._

_“Do you want to end the session?”_

_“_ No _,” Sanji said, “_ I want you to let whoever controls visiting to let Zoro please come and see me? _”_

_She frowned. “That’s not something I can do, especially taking into account everything that has happened.”_

_“_ Why? _”_

_She sighed. “Your friend is currently seeking treatment for the past events that took place between the two of you.” She reached out further and placed the box next to Sanji, continuing,” I cannot give any further information, but even if I had that power to, it wouldn’t be fair for either of you to see each other, not right now at least.”_

_His jaw lowered. He hadn’t thought about the possibility of Zoro undergoing the same situation that he was in. He had thought the events leading up to this entrapment were traumatic, but he never once thought about how it might have affected Zoro. Until now. It was always too late, only then did he realize the truth. Why couldn’t he ever learn the lesson when he was supposed to?_

_“_ I’m awful _,” he muttered._

_“No, you’re only human. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others.”_

_“I never meant to cause him that pain.”_

_“Of course you didn’t. You’re not a terrible person Sanji.” He felt a soft hand. There seemed to be an abundance of hands in the ward. But there was never enough of anything else. She might as well not have done a thing._

_“_ I need to tell him I’m sorry. _”_

_“You will be able to once you leave,” the therapist replied._

_“_ I wish he didn’t fall in love with me. _”_

_“…” He was sure she was regretting not writing that down as soon as he had uttered it. He was ruined. There was no way he would ever get to leave now. He was trapped. It was his own damned fault._

_“_ I started it. It wasn’t his fault. I lied to him first. _”_

* * *

 

_He stared at the mirror. Washing the face didn’t seem to help as much anymore. The new prescription he was on ruined the appetite, made food taste bland and the stomach nauseas. He did his best to keep up with the calorie intake, but weightless was becoming inevitable. He thought about the shame if it all. The nurses had worked so hard to stuff him. He had gained five pounds the first week. He was going to lose all that hard work now._

_“Are you alright in there?”_

_He turned around and stared at the concerned looking nurse. She was a strict one. The night shift nurses were less forgiving._

_“I think I’m losing weight.”_

_“Are you eating?”_

_“Not as much as I would like,” Sanji confessed. What did it matter now? He could say whatever he wanted. He was trapped forever. “I think I need a change of prescription. The new stuff makes my stomach ill.”_

_She stared at him for a few seconds before finally accepting his word as truth. “I’ll have a doctor look at the list,” she replied. She eyed the mirror, then at him. “Try not to let the reflection get to you.”_

_“Maybe I should go back to the old room,” he muttered, turning his head and looking at his miserable self. “Maybe the mirror is the problem.”_

_“I’m not a fan of allowing any psych patient to have them,” he hard her say, “but you’re a low risk patient. You get the distractions.”_

_Distractions? The word made him ill._

_“You go to bed soon, alright?”_

_He didn’t want to go to bed. Once again sleep was becoming a chore. The nightmares were gone and replaced with nothing. Nothing left him more drained than sitting in an empty room, falling into another empty room, and remaining in their for days, months, years, until finally waking up from it. He couldn’t create friends, memories, even brief scenes or situations. It was grey all night long, white all day._

_He looked back at the mirror. The reflection staring back him was so distant, so unfamiliar, a stranger that he didn’t know, had never met before, refused to acknowledge. This was not him, rather, someone who looked like him, impersonated him. The hairstyle was the same, the cleaned face, the buttons all the way to the top, but this man staring back at him was not Sanji._

_“What happened?” he asked to the reflection. “Where did he go?”_

_He looked down at his hands, his wrists that no longer bruised thanks to a change in prescription. It seemed every week there was a change. The doctors said he was getting better, but Sanji wanted nothing more than to reject it all. Maybe if he was back home, with his mother, step-sister, anyone…maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to fall asleep and not feel a thing. Right now it was a new kind of torture._

_He was so…tired._

_Sanji rested on the bed, several feet away from the mirror. It felt too warm to sleep with a cover on. Where did the heat come from?_

_Sanji stretched his legs out. He closed his eyes, his mind unwilling to give in just yet, and thought about the Baratie. His mother had called Zeff every time she visited. She told Sanji, over and over, how everyone missed him, was worried, and was hoping for him to get better. He wanted to believe her, but the lack of visits from the old man told him the truth; everyone was ashamed. They had every right to be. What kind of chef claimed to have a passion for creating new works of art when he spent his time in a state of exhaustion, fantasizing about his death, nearly jumping off a bridge?_

_He looked up at his hands. They were no longer wrapped for his safety. His arms were still covered, but this time they were sure the prescription was just right…he just couldn’t eat. No food, nothing for the wannabe chef who clearly never meant a word he said._

_The mirror was right. He curled to the side and looked over at it. His room was unlocked and left ajar. The mirror was only some feet away; it wasn’t impossible to reach. No one would care if he looked again._

_He got up and walked over. The reflection, even in the dark, was so clear. The man in the mirror that looked just like him. He was sick before, Zoro had tried to get him to eat, but this reflection was something else. He saw another man. It was not another man, just him, a version of him that had finally sprung free after being pushed out of the world of his subconscious. Zoro tried to contain it. This place had released it._

_He touched the reflective glass, finding it cool to touch. He pressed his finger against it, two, four, the entire hand. He could see building moisture glow in the dark, surround the palm and fingers, the longer it rested._

_Did it really matter, he wondered, who betrayed whom first? Whatever happened already happened, it no longer mattered who did it first. The dream happened, the confusion and questions, and Sanji made his decisions accordingly. There was no way he could have predicted all of this. How could he have guessed that Zoro would have ever entered his life and lead him here? So many different elements he could have never considered. He had to accept these things just sort of happened, and it wasn’t some sort of fate that brought him here. Zoro just had enough._

_Sanji had had enough._

_He stared at the reflection. It never really mattered, the course of actions, whether they did or didn’t betray, if they had at all, if at all._

_If Nami never consoled him he would have done it in high school. If there was no Law to distract him he’s had done it. If Robin hadn’t stopped her car and he never met Zoro, he would have jumped. People performed strange actions. It was all a delay in the inevitable. He said he wanted to be a cook, but did he actually perform the correct actions to prove it? He almost slit his wrists once. Once, right after meeting Zoro, when he was at his worst, he actually performed the action the proved to the world that there never would be a great chef by the name of Sanji._

_He removed his hand from the mirror, feeling it form into a fist in the dead of night. Nobody was walking by, and he knew if he was careful he could slip back into bed without being caught._

_When would Luffy tell him the truth, he thought. How long would he have had to wait? Would they even remain friends after this? Luffy was so strong. Usopp wasn’t; he couldn’t even tell Kaya to wish him good luck. And Zoro never visited. He wasn’t even on the list. The last time he saw the man was when he was being pulled away. Zoro looked miserable. He was miserable right now._

_This was it. This was really it._

_Sanji punched the mirror. The sound wasn’t as quiet as he had hoped. He ran back into the bed and hid himself under the sheets. He was sure someone had heard him. He waited several minutes and peeked through sheets, surprised to see how well he was trusted by the nurses. Why on earth did they leave a mirror in his room?_

_He crept out and walked back to the mirror. His feet sounded like lead as they dragged across the room. Was he loud because he was nervous, or was he hoping to get caught? Maybe he was going insane._

_The image in front of him… was a sharp, frightening distortion that he could relate to better than the man that he once saw minutes ago. It felt better to look at the cracked man. Sanji reached out and let his hand search through the cracks for a gap wide enough to pluck a blade. It didn’t take too long. He snatched his shard, a little disappointed by the size and shape, but determined to make the most of it. He took it in his hand and walked back to the bed, his eyes fixated in its cool, deadly form_.

It hurt. Sanji wasn’t sure what else he could have expected from plunging it into his skin, but the pain surprised him nonetheless. His wriest went stiff from the unholy penetration, his other hand shaking as nerves fought to decide what to do next. Tears ran down his face as he saw blood ooze from the wrist and pour into the cupped hand.

His hand soaked in his own blood. He really was never going to be a famous chef. It was a stupid, selfish dream that he never could have been serious about. Not right now.

He sat himself up at pulled the blade away, eyes glued to the new stream of red that now decided to pour down his arm. It was like a map, directions leading him down a long road to somewhere new and fantastic. All he had to do was follow. He spread open his fingers and let the small collection of coagulated blood fall in between the large gaps, his palm feeling colder with out the life it once held. Sanji carefully let his shaking hand hover above the wound, painful, begging him not to go for another blow. The adrenaline and endorphins from the previous stabbing was beginning to make its way into his brain, he could already feel his muscles tensing and releasing with a newfound confidence.

His eyes drooped. He winced when he felt a sharp, icy stab run down his arm, into his spine and smacking him in the head. But it wasn’t as bad as before. It actually felt softer than the first try. Even as he felt his arm drag down, tearing away at taught tissue, Sanji felt himself sink into a warmer, softer environment.

A chilling thought entered his mind; what if this was all a dream?

* * *

 

_A hand held on to his finger. Sanji tried to lift his eyebrows but the heaviness brought on by an exhaustion he had never really perceived seemed to tug him from performing anything other than the short breath._

_It was cold._

_He could feel his body being lifted, something warm grabbing on to his inner being pulling him away from the physical world below. He felt his lips separate, two gloved hands forcing his mouth open and placing covering his face with something. He didn’t know. Hot, soothing air swimming through his lungs alerted him that this was all a dream. A scary, wonderful dream.It was all too good, all too perfect. With a new sense of power, he opened his eyes, staring up at a light he was becoming more familiar with. This was not the first time this light had invaded his mind. For some reason he knew it would be the last time he’d ever see it again. The thought made little sense._

_“How’d this happen?!”_

_“It’s self inflicted.”_

_“He did this himself? Using what?”_

_“Glass from the mirror…God.”_

_“He had access to a mirror?”_

_“His registered doctors and nurses insisted he was getting better. In fact, there was talk about releasing him in a few days…”_

_“Oh god.”_

_His wrists tingled. More hands held on to him as he was tugged further away. The world–no, some people would not let him go._

_Who was it?_

_“Hold on there.”_

_“We need blood right away!”_

_“Hurry, we’re losing him!”_

Sanji blinked. He sat back at the bus stop where he knew, several hours prior Law had taken to get to the airport. The same bus stop where he also waited for Nami when she got off from work. The bust stop he, Luffy, and Usopp took in order to get home because the car’s engine wasn’t working.

How much longer was he going to have to wait? Sanji tilted forward and looked down the road, not too distraught that he couldn’t see the road beyond several feet, but more upset that there was no driving form headed his way. He groaned. It felt like he had been waiting for ages.

He felt a cold something hit his nose. He looked up at the sky and frowned at the clouding sky, speckles of moisture beginning to hit his exposed face as he hurriedly tried to cover himself, only to discover that hadn’t brought the proper jacket with him.

He was hoodless and without an umbrella. “Fuck!”

Sanji got up from the bench and looked around the surrounding area. There were no buildings, no trees, nothing to protect him from getting soaked. He was in the middle of nowhere it seemed. He’d drown at this rate.

“Hey.”

Sanji, in no good mood, sharply turned his head to see who had called to him. He was surprised to see that while he was about to engage in his tantrum, that the bus had finally arrived. In it he could see the many shapes of those waiting, sitting crammed together like sardines in a too small container. Stepping out from the bus stood Zoro, looking rather tired, perhaps because he had been lucky enough to fall asleep on his way over here.

“Zoro,” Sanji muttered. “Why are you here?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Where’s everyone else?”

Zoro looked back into the bus, which seemed comfortably parked in place. Maybe the driver was taking a moments rest from the long drive. Who knew?

“Huh,” Zoro muttered. He looked back at Sanji and jumped off the final step, continuing closer to the blond. He didn’t seem to mind the rain, “I guess they couldn’t make it. Strange, I thought they’d be here. Not just me. It was really important.”

“What was?” Sanji asked.

Zoro lifted his arm up to Sanji, offering him a large umbrella. Sanji gasped, taking a step back.

“I saw the weather forecast,” Zoro said, “It’s going to get pretty wet. You’ll really need this.”

Sanji looked away, feeling his eyes burn with same and regret. “Zoro,” he managed to say, “I didn’t want you…”

“It’s…alright…”

“What?” Sanji said, peeking from his shoulder. “How could you say that? After everything I’ve put you through?”

“No,” Zoro said. “That’s not what I meant.”

Sanji looked at the umbrella that was still being offered to him, the arm that was still strong enough to bear such pain. But this wasn’t the real Zoro. This was the final Zoro. The last Zoro.

“You never came,” he muttered.

“I know.”

“I missed you so much.”

“I probably missed you more,” Zoro said, smiling kindly at Sanji. The rain ceased. The sun came out. Zoro looked over at the bus. The engine was reignited. “You should hurry. They’ll be leaving soon.”

“Zoro.”

“Alright.” Zoro took another step closer to Sanji. “One day we’ll all be alright. Not today. Not next month, not for a very long time. But we’ll heal. We’ll have no choice.” The clouds parted and Sanji was sure he could hear the sounds of birds chirping. The light grew brighter, stronger.

“Zoro,” Sanji said again. He reached out and let his fingers graze against the handle of the umbrella. “Why are you telling me this?” As soon as he pulled his fingers from the handle he felt the earth underneath him shake. The light became almost blinding. “What,” Sanji stammered, falling forward. Zoro grabbed on to him, his arms wrapping tightly around Sanji shaking frame. The two met face to face. “Why?” Sanji asked.

He saw Zoro, still smiling, his grasp still strong and comforting to Sanji’s weakened frame. Sanji felt his heart begin to break when he saw tears run down Zoro’s face, racing past his cheeks and crashing into upright turned lips.

“Sanji,” Zoro said, “you’re dying. We’re dying. This precious world of yours is slipping away.”

Sanji felt his jaw drop. Nothing else could be felt other than the pain of seeing Zoro tear away with the smile on his face. The earth shook again.

“Am I really?” he asked.

“Yes,” Zoro said.

Sanji felt his own arms grab hold of Zoro. His eyes burning, aching, wishing for tears, growing all the more devastated when nothing fell from his face.

“No,” he cried. “No…I never got to see you again…”

“I know…”

“I’ll never tell you…” Sanji buried his face into the soft chest. It felt so good. Everything felt good. The earth underneath him was giving away, yet he felt absolutely wonderful. The only pain was Zoro. “You’ll never know how I feel…how I felt…”

“It’s ending…you need to go.”

“I can’t do that to you.”

“It’s already happening.”

Sanji could suddenly detect the strangeness of the atmosphere. The blinding light and the tremors taking place beneath him. Although there were birds chirping, he saw no other living thing. The earth shook again. He ought to have been worried, but the air was so warm, moist, intoxicating…

“I really am dying,” he muttered.

“It’s a lot to take in with only a few seconds to spare.”

Sanji smiled, “I thought it would have felt a lot different.”

“I doubt the bridge would have been so forgiving.” Zoro’s smile ceased. He let a hand rest on Sanji’s face, his strong finger’s pulling Sanji closer to his.

“Zoro…I’m sorry.”

“You know I’m not real.”

“This is as close as I’ll ever get to telling you I forgive you.” Sanji replied. He let his hand grab Zoro’s. He felt the umbrella being pushed into his palm. He accepted. “I wished I could have told you more…but I’m not ready, and now…I’ll never be ready.”

“I’ll be alright…”

“No. You won’t.” Sanji wiped his face, and continued, “This will haunt you forever. Even when you find that special person, and you will, I’ll always be there, reminding you that you’ve failed…but you didn’t fail. I did. I failed. You never should have been a part of this. Zoro…I’m so selfish. I was so damn selfish, and I let you fall in love with me! I’m the worst!”

“No, you’re not!” Zoro continued to hold on to him. Sanji would have expected a kiss, but it never happened. It felt so nice to be held, in this dying, warm world of his. He closed his eyes as he rested his head against the others.

“Sanji, don’t forget,” said a comforting, fading voice. “Sanji, you’re only–”

Sanji looked around the strange world around him. What a strange dream. There was nothing here but white. It was warm, but white. And he was alone. How lazy was he getting? Or was this the result of the medication he was taking?

Sanji looked ahead and saw the figure of an empty bus, engine on, getting ready to leave somewhere. He approached it, his eyes still wandering the nonexistent scenery in hopes that a bus stop would appear, giving him the schedule and map telling him where he was headed. He looked down at his hand and stared at the green umbrella that he carried. He frowned at it, knowing full well that he was in no mood for another rainy dream. At least this time he had been smart enough to bring an umbrella.

He walked into the bus, not afraid of having to pay a fare. As he took another step he felt a shake beneath his feet. He grabbed hold of the inside railing and waited for the growing tremor to end, making a silent remark about how he was losing his touch. The old earthquakes, he thought, were a lot stronger than this.

He found a seat right in the front and sat himself down. He felt comfortable as he felt the vibrations of the engine underneath him. He stared out the window. Though there was nothing out there he found himself engrossed with watching the movement of white passing by as the bus began to move. Sanji waited, closed his eyes, and allowed himself to rest against the window. He wasn’t sure why but he had a feeling he knew the exact destination of where he was headed.

* * *

 

Zoro, with shaking hands, reached out and touched the cool hand resting on top of the hospital bed. He could feel Luffy’s presence behind him, watching him with a dreadful stare, perhaps almost as terrible as the expression on his own face. Regretfully he let his hand slip under the limp one, feeling not even the slightest reflex as he gave the palm a tickle, a squeeze, a pinch.

He heard the taunting machine produce the loud, repetitive beep, reminding Zoro constantly of what Luffy had said prior about the blood loss, the crash, the five minute gap before anyone could bring him back, only to discover that the man they tried to save was long gone, what little was there was only because a machine forced air in and out of stiffening lungs.

There was nobody home. Sanji was dead.

Zoro had failed.


	20. Alive

Zoro would never quite understand it. Every other day when he passed by a building, a tree, a girl with a smile on her face, he would have to stop and cover his face, hold his breath and grit his teeth and wait for the feeling to pass over. He'd look through the gaps of his fingers and see the light of day, of a dying winter with the promise of a wonderful clean spring approaching, and he'd wonder what it might have been like if Sanji had not succeeded in ending his life.

He visited the resting remains of the man he had made the mistake to fall in love with on Friday. By then the only thing keeping the body together was a failing brainstem. Zoro had heard from Luffy, and then from the doctors and nurses looking over the silent body that the man he knew as Sanji was no longer there. The body was being kept alive temporarily, until his mother could accept and would be willing to sign the permission sip to have the plug pulled, killing the rest of what remained of a man formerly known as Sanji.

On a Saturday he overheard the conversation between the mother and doctor about Sanji becoming a potential donor, a lifesaver to those who might have a future if his mother would be willing to allow the body of her son to be opened up and excavated. Zoro didn't stay long after that, feeling his stomach twist in a knot as he imagined the man he had held in his arms having his organs scooped out and given away.

On Sunday he talked to his therapist. He did his homework and tried his best not to think about Sanji, but it was so hard.

Several days went by with hardly any time to see and visit and mourn the remains that he still longed to touch and hold and kiss. Though Sanji was gone the body was still breathing, and it was enough to drive Zoro made. Then on Thursday Luffy called. He and the boy still had their issues, but Luffy made the promise to tell him if anything had happened, and on that day something had happened. Sanji was no longer brain-dead, but officially dead. His mother gave permission to pull the plug and donate any viable organs, potentially saving the lives of many lucky patients.

Zoro didn't make it to the hospital in time. The room was empty.

Days went by. Zoro would stop whatever he was doing to hold in his breath and try not to break down, but it was so hard. He'd walk down the hallways of his university and see Sanji everywhere. Sneaking up behind him, hiding in the bathroom stalls, sitting in open classrooms pretending to pay attention to the lecture: Sanji was literally everywhere. It drove Zoro insane to think that just a few months ago, in early November, he met the blond sitting helplessly in Robin's bathroom, and now it was February and he was dead.

Right in the middle of his kendo lecture Mihawk stopped what he was doing, his golden eyes filled with a concerned emotion for the first time ever, causing other students to nearly freak out, as he patiently stood where he was, his voice calmly asking, "Is everything alright, Roronoa?"

He sat in the group section of the library, taking his break with Perona, who barked and complained about the classes she was taking, the whines and groans over her professors never ending, when suddenly a wave of pain hit him in the chest, causing him to kneel over in his seat and hold on while Perona, gasping, stopped her usual selfish behavior and helped him, holding him and telling him that he needed to get over himself. None of this was really his fault.

When he was handed the graded test Zoro looked down and stared, thinking about how difficult last semester was, how he distracted one failure for another, and felt a bitter laugh try to break it's way through his twisted smile. Now he was passing classes, just barely, but science was becoming a language that he was beginning to understand.

Luffy sent him a text regarding the date of the funeral.

He eventually received an email from Nami, asking if he would show up. It was the first message he had received from the girl. Apparently everyone was going, even the man who kept him away from real help for two months. Yes, eve Zoro would be allowed to see Sanji off.

Usopp never called. He saw the boy once in passing when he went back to Luffy's, just to talk, nothing more, but never got to speak with Usopp. He imagined there would be no forgiveness from the young man for a long time, if at all.

That was all right. As far as Zoro was concerned, he needed no forgiveness. He deserved none.

Ashes to Ashes; Dust to Dust.

Zoro did not see the body. He did not want to see the body. Seeing Sanji's body tied together in tubes, wrists wrapped up in bandage that could barely hold together a wound that was hardly healing, as he laid brain dead in a cold, white hospital room; that was and would be the last time he saw the blond. He didn't prefer the morbid image compared to the supposed sight of a peaceful, well dressed Sanji resting in a coffin, but there was something so final in the latter image that made Zoro cringe, completely unwilling to give the body one final view. So he remained at the very back of the aisles, where an atheist was expected to be anyways, and kept his eyes lowered as he pondered over and over the meaning of the past few months, and whether or not he really made a difference.

Time was a blur to him. He could hear words being spoken, but the language was unknown to him. Nothing seemed to stick as his mind continued to dig deeper, past pleasant memories, past the memory of him meeting Sanji, beyond the moment where he imagined Robin driving her car, driving past the cloudy form of Sanji about to jump. How strange would it have been if he had never met Sanji? How boring? How safe?

He played nervously with his shivering fingers when he heard a soft voice whisper to him, "Why are you back here?" The question was not directed at his presence; rather, it was focused more on his lack of presence. Zoro was gracious for it.

He looked up and stared at Usopp and Kaya, both about to leave the small church located in the front of the cemetery. It was Kaya who chose to stop and reach out to Zoro. Usopp frowned, almost refusing to look Zoro in the eyes.

"I prefer to be back here."

"You wont see him?"

"No."

"This will be the very last time."

"I know."

Kaya covered her frown with her free hand, her other visibly clinging harder to Usopp's.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes."

Kaya stared deeply, as if her consciousness was slipping away, sinking in quicksand. Zoro and Usopp seemed to feel it to. Everyone was sinking. And then Zoro realized he wasn't the only one blaming himself for Sanji's death. Kaya looked as though it was all he fault, and behind Usopp's cold eyes was a level of self-loathing that Zoro couldn't even compare his own to. Suddenly his hatred for sending Sanji away, that final act of betrayal, was changing into something else. It was not just one final act, but millions of miniature pieces, a complex puzzle of past memories that did not fit together, making up the confusing mess that couldn't be put together; the mystery behind Sanji's suicidal being. It brought relief to Zoro and it made him disgusted. How could anyone think to share such an experience as the one he had with Sanji?

A few seconds went by and Kaya and Usopp left Zoro to continue to ponder. A minute went by. Zoro could hear more people leaving and getting ready for the final ties and goodbyes. He continued to listen to the loud voices until they dwindled into subtle soft shoes tiptoeing out the church. The final clicks of boots ended right on his aisle, causing Zoro to stir uncomfortably in his seat.

"Luffy told me about you."

Zoro recognized the voice right away. He brought his hand closer to his face but not letting it cover his growing scowl.

"Do you think you're doing yourself a favor by separating yourself from everyone else?"

Zoro sighed, sinking a bit into his seat. Everyone was invited.

"Do you think you're special from everyone else that knew him?"

Zoro lifted himself from his seat and looked up at the taller figure drenched in black. He expected that Law would have a smirk on his face. Zoro was surprised to see the same stoic expression from before when he had first met him in the office. His arms were crossed. There was a curious look in his dark, fierce eyes.

"Tell me," Law began, "why you separate yourself from others? You can't expect to win anyone's favor this way."

More words were spoken by the uncomfortable priest; his biblical preaching consoling only to the crying mother who had lost her only confused son. Nobody else knew what to make of it. Nami stared out to the distance at a faraway tree, imagining herself at a faraway island where the worries of death had no meaning to its inhabitants. Usopp rested against Kaya's shoulder; the only proof of him being conscious was his heavy breathing as he fought to make himself appear strong in the presence of the many who were not afraid to be afraid and sad on this cloudy, quiet day. There were other faces that Zoro did not recognize. He wondered if he was the only one in the crowd that was truly alone.

Luffy sat upfront, with his brother, next to Sanji's family, with a kind smile on his face as continued to console the weakened, female frame that could have been Sanji's. Zoro could not see it all. He wondered how Luffy managed to do it in the faces of so many who were crying and mourning. He had seen the boy cry before. Why was it all right for Luffy to stand out and be different from everyone else?

Why? Zoro kept asking it over and over again. He was told not to be different, not to signal himself as a special being that had something special in accordance to Sanji, but it appeared that everyone was making some sort of attempt to stick out. What was Law trying to prove when he asked Zoro to be amongst sheep and play the part of a young mourning friend? What made him so special? Nami? Anyone?

Or was that just it? He had nothing special when it came to his relationship with Sanji, because, once upon a time, he fell in love with a girl named Nami, and had spent years together with her, even after they stopped being in love. He had only known Sanji for a less than two months. Two months and he was acting like he was bearing the world's weight on his shoulders. He was dreaming the big dream that it was all his to bear. He was being selfish.

Zoro frowned at himself, feeling his throat go raw as he suddenly realized just how real this all was to him. It was too late for him to ever see Sanji again, and now he wished nothing more than to hold his hand one last time. The fact that in so little time he had fallen in love and had lost it all made it all the more tragic, and at the same time made it all the more pitiful. There were people here in the cemetery that had known Sanji since birth. Who was he to judge their reactions to his death?

Zoro wiped at his face. He continued to do so for what felt like hours, hearing the torturous sounds of a smooth, metallic sound that signified the final fall: a coffin being hoisted down six feet under in the earth. More tears ran down as he remembered the brief second right before he had promised Sanji that he would not tell a soul about his location, so long as the blond agreed to have sex with him. Disgusting. And now he was dead. It was a pact that was broken, but a promise that never made much sense to begin with.

Had he really failed Sanji, he wondered. With so many people blaming themselves, with so many pieces of misshaped figures, a puzzle that could never be completed, not when the owner of the puzzle was dead. Was everyone to blame for this tragic end, or was it so much more complicated? Did everyone take part in plunging the broken mirror into Sanji's wrist? Or was it just Sanji who decided that he had had enough of this world, and with no lover, friend, distraction, he could finally perform the only action of control he had left.

People were standing up, moving around frantically, leaving Zoro behind as he felt Sanji's frustration hit him in the chest. He looked and saw past the moving crowds, the deep hole that was taking what was left of Sanji away. He stood up, struggling to se past cloudy wet eyes as he stumbled through crowd, raw strength pushing past unknown mourners as he proceeded closer to the grave.

He stopped, finally pushing through the final barrier and looking down the deep hole to see a beautiful black coffin being tarnished with handfuls of dirt. Tears ran down his eyes.

He was no so special, he realized. Nobody really was. All of this was out of his control.

"Sanji."

His voice failed him after that. What was there to say to a man that was already dead? The first words that came to mind were "I love you," but nothing could have been more inappropriate. Any other words seemed unimportant. He was at a lost of what to do. He stood there, helpless, staring down at the end of everything, with legs growing weaker, the threat of falling over becoming so real.

Zoro felt a hand rest on his shoulder. He looked over to see Luffy at his side, staring carefully, solemnly at him. His hand, so small, pulled Zoro back up to a standing position, giving him the strength he needed to wait through the rest of the funeral.

When people began to leave Luffy asked, "Will you be alright?"

Zoro, still looking down into the grave, responded, "I don't know. There are so many things going on in my head right now. I don't know what to do."

"Do you need a ride home?"

"No…I brought my own car."

"You want to come over to my house and talk about it?"

He became nervous. "Will Usopp be there?"

Luffy moved in closer. "He asked me to invite you, just in case." Had he really? But Zoro believed it, knowing a day like this would allow for strange thoughts to arrive.

Zoro lifted his eyes up and stared at the rest of the cemetery. He could see rows upon rows of graves, little markers of those who had passed away. Dying patches of grass surrounding greenery. Flower filled vases scattered across the rows, some fresh, many now dying.

"Yeah, that would be nice."

He could feel Luffy smiling at him, "Yeah, it would."

"Just give me a bit more time, ok?"

"Alright…I'll see you soon."

Zoro waited several more minutes and despite knowing that he wasn't the only person at the grave, still found himself compelled to say, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." He lowered into a squat and looked deep into the grave. He knew once everyone had gone it would be filled up. He knew in a few years he would ultimately visit the grave less than what he would this year and the next. "Sanji, what am I supposed to do now? I tried my best," he muttered while letting his hands sink into the moist earth. "How am I supposed to forget all of this?" He knew there would come a time when he stopped visiting at all, and left him frightened. He knew one day he'd be alright. Not good, never the same as he was before, but he would be able to live without Sanji. It made him so sad to think he'd ever be ok without Sanji.

He blinked at let tears run from his face and drop into the grave. The remainder of his love began to pour out of him as he let himself crumble further, sinking into the ground as his fingers dug into the grave, miserable and dying blades of grass sticking to his wet fingers.

"Sanji, what am I supposed to do?" Zoro asked. "I'm still alive, but I'm alone. Sanji, is it selfish of me to think this way? Sanji? Sanji? Sanji?"


End file.
